Separated and broken.

[Santafan21]

Hi,
I'm desperate for advice. My husband of 12 years left just after Christmas, December was the only month that showed he was unhappy, he gave so many different reasons of what was making him unhappy, he is currently going through a distressing time due to his childhood, but also he said work stress, then it was my mental health then it was my family and then it was he didn't love me anymore. He said he wanted to have some space and get himself back home to me and the children. Instead he moved in with another woman and her young son and they are planning their futures together. He has even introduced the children to her. My problem is that I don't know how to live with the feelings of not being enough. That I wasn't enough for him and I am not good enough. It's eating me alive. I've never had much confidence but this has robbed me of all my self-esteem. I feel so worthless and pointless. He is putting energy into his new relationship that he could have been putting into his marriage. What is it about this lady that makes her worth more than me? He takes her away for weekends, he buys her expensive jewellery and he is working and drinking less. I have become bitter and broken. I don't blame him for leaving. I am obviously not worth fighting for but how do I live with that? I love my kids so much but it's left me feeling not good enough for them. I can't leave the house in fear of bumping into them or her. I have become a prisoner in my mind and home. I'm devastated and scared of my mental health. I am getting help with the crisis team but i'm on a waiting list. They have tried to get me doing self-help stuff but i cam barely function as it is. I should have moved on by now but I can't. I love my husband very much still and so I want him to be happy. This woman clearly does. I told him that I won't make the divorce difficult and that when it becomes UK law in Autumn to have a no blame divorce I will do it rather than wait the 2 years. He said if I still feel like that by Autumn we can talk about it then. Please, has anyone got any advice on how long I will feel this worthless and not good enough? Or am I stuck like this forever?
Why wasn't I good enough? Will I ever be good enough?

I'm so sorry I am desperately sad.

We went to a couples counselling session and when asked how much he still loved me, on a scale of 1-10, he said 4. So that was quite conclusive for me. Plus how could I trust him - every time he picked up his phone I would be suspicious. That's no way to live for either of us.

I felt the same as you about counselling but it's not been like that. We're working on my anxiety in general and how to better manage it.

My ex had an affair before. I forgave him and buried it deep. And I moved on from it. I never trusted him again. It was only a matter of time but I hung on to the idea of family and ignored a lot of poor behaviour. He left for different ow 5 years later.

@Mrsnippycat you are handling this with such dignity. I'm glad you have support around you.

@ManandaDad antidepressants are those pills. They stop your emotions going all over the place. Help you sleep and enable you to cope. Same with counselling. It is a safe place to work things through. These are the tools to help you except your situation. Your children need you to be strong now. Get the help. Show them there is no weakness in looking after yourself. Don't be so closed off to the things that are going to help you. And At least try before being dismissive.

@unicornsarereal72

That's very kind, thank you. I talk a good game but if he asked to come back, I just hope I would have the strength to do the right thing.

@unicornsarereal72

I wasn’t in any way trying to be dismissive and I apologise if it appears I was disregarding your help and advice. I’ve been to therapy before and on antidepressants. Neither worked for me. I hoped for tips to deal with the panic attacks and anxiety but it was just an hour a week of me repeating my feelings to a stranger. The meds were low dose and didn’t do a thing.

I know you’re trying to help me and I’m grateful for it.

@Mrsnippycat
It’s a shame it hasn’t worked out but I suppose at least you both gave counselling a go. Hearing 4/10 can’t have been easy.
I get what you’re saying about the trust issue and I guess everyone has to consider what they’re willing to put up with/sacrifice to be with someone they love.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply to me. I’m sorry if I’ve come across as rude or dismissive. I don’t mean to be. I’m wallowing and truly broken. Everyday I just want it to be over.

Just wanted to say thank you once more to everyone for their feedback/advice.

I’m not sure it’s helping me though, so I’m going to stop posting and close my profile.

Good luck to everyone, I hope we’re all able to find our own peace and happiness.