Separated and broken.

[Santafan21]

Hi,
I'm desperate for advice. My husband of 12 years left just after Christmas, December was the only month that showed he was unhappy, he gave so many different reasons of what was making him unhappy, he is currently going through a distressing time due to his childhood, but also he said work stress, then it was my mental health then it was my family and then it was he didn't love me anymore. He said he wanted to have some space and get himself back home to me and the children. Instead he moved in with another woman and her young son and they are planning their futures together. He has even introduced the children to her. My problem is that I don't know how to live with the feelings of not being enough. That I wasn't enough for him and I am not good enough. It's eating me alive. I've never had much confidence but this has robbed me of all my self-esteem. I feel so worthless and pointless. He is putting energy into his new relationship that he could have been putting into his marriage. What is it about this lady that makes her worth more than me? He takes her away for weekends, he buys her expensive jewellery and he is working and drinking less. I have become bitter and broken. I don't blame him for leaving. I am obviously not worth fighting for but how do I live with that? I love my kids so much but it's left me feeling not good enough for them. I can't leave the house in fear of bumping into them or her. I have become a prisoner in my mind and home. I'm devastated and scared of my mental health. I am getting help with the crisis team but i'm on a waiting list. They have tried to get me doing self-help stuff but i cam barely function as it is. I should have moved on by now but I can't. I love my husband very much still and so I want him to be happy. This woman clearly does. I told him that I won't make the divorce difficult and that when it becomes UK law in Autumn to have a no blame divorce I will do it rather than wait the 2 years. He said if I still feel like that by Autumn we can talk about it then. Please, has anyone got any advice on how long I will feel this worthless and not good enough? Or am I stuck like this forever?
Why wasn't I good enough? Will I ever be good enough?

I'm so sorry I am desperately sad.

@ManandaDad and @Santafan21

Just know in time this won't be so painful. You know you will be ok. Because what are the alternatives. Your children and family need you. And many have walked this path before you.

You need to stop engaging. It is only hurting you. They are long past reasoning. And they will gas light you too ease their guilt. With tales of you both Being unhappy for years etc

I remember saying I don't want the hurt to stop because then I will of accepted it.

I also remember crying everyday in my car as I drove. I'm 3 years down the line and I would of moved on more quickly if my ex Had behaved better. He continually let the kids down. Didn't pay his way. Etc. I neither had the free time or funds to build a life besides the kids and work.

I know you don't want a different life. You don't have that choice now. You need new friends to help you get through this. I wouldn't suggest dating for awhile. It validates you but I would advise you to give yourself time to heal.

I echo going to your gp for support. You have to go through this grieving process.

@Santafan21 I can’t believe how strong you’re being, honestly an inspiration. Your children are lucky to have you. They’ll remember this when they’re older. My Dad did the same as your ex and I look back now and can’t believe the strength my mum showed.

You’ve had it far worse than I am.

I cannot imagine having my kids introduced to another man. The thought makes me hurt just as much as when she tells me she wants to go. And to introduce them when you’d asked him to take it slower is so disrespectful. He’s obviously putting his new life before everything else.

On a different note, how can he know this woman well enough to plan to get married if he was with you 5 months ago? Seems rushed.

I know I’m doing it all wrong, I’ve read different websites on ‘what not to do’ and I’ve done them all. Reasoning, begging, guilt-trip, reminiscing. I tried to be nice for 3 days but didn’t get an instant result so gave up.

You’re right, it is early days and I’m trying to have hope but she dashes it regularly. I find it so hard to stay cool and not get upset. I’d love to have the balls to say ‘OK, let’s sort the money/house etc’ or ‘I’m going out’ but she knows I won’t. I don’t have anyone to go out with for one. And two, I’d rather be with the kids. It might make her think twice if I did, but then again it might make it final. Even with how hurtful she’s been and is being, I still hold out hope. Not that she’s given me any reason to.

My wife also told me we don’t have anything in common anymore. Like you, I couldn’t believe it. I think it must be a way of reasoning their behaviour as my wife and I enjoy similar activities or at least enough to take part for each other. And even if you don’t have common interests, you can still try for each other.

I’m lucky that I can afford to stay in the family home, though I’ll have to extend the mortgage to release equity. To add uncertainty of not having somewhere to live must be horrible.

I’m glad you’re finding the light, no one deserves what you’re going through. Even though I can’t see it quite yet, to know someone is having it tougher than me and is fighting on is giving me hope. Thank you.

@unicornsarereal72

I remember saying I don't want the hurt to stop because then I will of accepted it.

This is exactly why I can’t look to the future or think or plan what I’d like to do or be like. I like being a husband and coming home to a wife. I know it’s not a choice anymore but I think I need some time before I start that process.

You need to stop engaging. It is only hurting you. They are long past reasoning. And they will gas light you too ease their guilt. With tales of you both Being unhappy for years etc

Been told today how memories I thought were good were actually terrible or her pretending. She hasn’t been happy for years, it was all an act, trying to convince herself. Has me thinking if she really thinks this way or is it to justify her behaviour?

They rewrite the history to suit their narrative.

I quickly stopped responding. My ex said I was his best friend but it wasn't love anymore. Usual bullshit. He was seeing ow. And had checked out of life at home for months before.

I made it clear I only wanted to discuss money. House and seeing the kids. Everything else was about easing his guilt.

Maybe start your own thread here or in relationships. You will get a lot of support.

You can't change your wife point of view. You Just have to look after you now and be there for the children. For a long time my children were the only thing I got out of bed for. But we are a much happier family now than we ever were with ex.

@unicornsarereal72 How long has it been since you split, if you don’t mind me asking? And when did you get to the point where you were content, or at least not devastated?

I hate that she has ‘re-wrote history’. I get she wants to pin the blame on me but I hoped she at least knew herself those memories were happy.

I think I’ve already said I don’t think she’s got another man. Not yet anyway. She may be getting the social media attention that’s turned her head, but I really don’t know.

Trying to be there for the kids, as hard as it is. I’m not being the Dad I could be but that’s because of how I’m feeling. I am trying.

Really brand new here so I don’t know much. Would starting a new thread be better? Have I hijacked one?

You are welcome OP. She's hilarious. In the depths of my despair she was like a lighthouse. I'm 15 months since he left although d day was before that. Absolute shitshow. But life is funny. I feel like I have a really bright future now. Could never have imagined it. Bizarre.

@ManandaDad ex walked out four years ago. Had six months of him not knowing what he wanted. He was actually lining up ow and own place and using me. He re surfaced at the beginning of first lock down. So nearly three years later telling me he always loved me blah blah blah. I was at such a low point and was isolated with lockdown etc we agreed he would stay here in spare room. He was just using me again. So had my epiphany moment.

As I said before i was existing for along time. The children just need to feel loved and safe. So don't worry if you aren't super dad. No one is expecting you too.

At the beginning of 2020. I knew I needed to rebuild my own life. And started to socialise and date but lock down happened and knocked me right back. So I'd say it was around 2 years before I felt ok. In reflection I should of pushed my self to spend time with friends etc sooner.

It is different for everyone. Some throw themselves into dating and it works out. Others are long term single. Counselling helped gave me a place to talk it out. Also anti depressants which I should of take. Properly from the start. They stopped the roller coaster of emotions and kinda make you a bit numb. But I needed to be coping so I could work and look after the children.

Starting a new thread. Go to topics. Body and sole. Either separation/divorce. Or relationships. And tap new. You can write your own post and you will get a lot of support. Although you will also get told there is another man. I'm sorry to say it is often the case. My ex moved in with ow and I very quickly sent the kids every other weekend (eow). It crushed me. Someone else playing happy families with my children. But he very quickly cancelled. Or dropped a day etc. His social life was more important than the children. He hardly sees them now. And wonders why he doesn't have a relationship with them.

Try not to think too far a head. It is like climbing a mountain. The top is a long way off. Just deal with today. And what you can see. I was quick to cut my ex out emotionally. He wanted to be friends and support me (so he could be seen to be the great guy helping the mother of his children). Told him that wasn't his role. He needed to pay his way (never happened). A d see the kids. (Rarely happened). And I ignored everything else.

Get business like. Get legal advice. Get her packing Her stuff and out of the house. She has it easy right now. And is playing you. And arrange how it is going to work with the children. She wants this. So let her see how it is going to be.

Someone wise said to me there are three parts to this. Your version. His version and the truth somewhere between. It doesn't matter how they see it. Ex was telling everyone I'd stopped engaging with him (being fun). I had a non sleeping child for three years. So no. I wasn't fun. And up for pubs and late night etc. But we all see it differently

He also had every right to finish the relationship. That happens for many reasons. Sadly it doesn't always work out.

Being the one who wants to work on the relationship sucks. The hurt is immeasurable. But we deserve so much better for ourselves and you have to believe in that.

@unicornsarereal72

Most of what you’re saying resonates.

Just had another major row. Apparently I’m not showing respect for someone who’s changing their whole life just to get away from me. I made her suicidal she says. I wasn’t very attentive lately or affectionate but to make someone feel that low unintentionally? I’ve only ever loved her.

Every day I say to myself ‘don’t get upset, especially in front of her’. Then she says something and I feel like a baby.

I keep asking her to go. She says she’s got nowhere and this is her house and she’s got every right to be here. Can’t argue with that.

And why can’t she wait until she has moved out before starting her new lifestyle instead of flaunting it in front of me. Where’s the respect for my pain and our children?

She still doesn’t want to tell the kids yet says it will just upset them as she isn’t going yet. I think we should prepare them instead of dropping a bombshell and then ‘by the way you’ve got to live somewhere else too’. They’re intuitive anyway. My son asked me why I don’t eat much and why I’m not going to work. They’re used to seeing me and their mum cosy on the sofa and now they’re wondering why she’s not even there.

I can’t start my own thread. I know people will say there’s someone else. It’s all I think about. It’s a reality for another day right now.

Got it in my head to book gp appointment Friday. Hope I stick to it. Need a note for work anyway. I’m considering hypnotherapy when she’s finally gone. I’ve researched it and a guy near me has great reviews. Anything that takes even the slightest tinge away is worth a shot. Does anyone have any experience of hypnosis?

@ManandaDad

Hi - I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this pain.

I am in my second week of my partner similarly to you - telling me things weren’t working. He told me sat evening and was gone by 9am Sunday morning!

We have a holiday booked ending of the month and I’m going to go with my son to really take the time to get my head space back on track.

I’m still trying to adjust and these last few days have been extremely difficult. The only thing keeping me going is my 3 year old son. He needs me and I take comfort in the fact that he is actually adjusting well.

It seems that your partner checked out a long time ago but instead of communicating with you about how she was feeling, is going through some crisis of going out every evening and trying to create a brand new lifestyle for herself. All of which is very selfish as she’s doing this in front of you, with zero regard for your mental health and feelings. I personally think she’s doing this to get a reaction from you so she can make herself feel less guilty for her selfish actions.

You’re right you need to learn to not show emotion to her or in front of her, I know that’s hard especially when you’re still living together but from the sounds of things, your emotion is feeding her ego.

How old are your children? I agree with you - I think honestly is best especially when kids are involved. They are more resilient than we think and they have a right to know what’s going on in their family home.

Unfortunately I’ve not tried hypnosis but would be interested in hearing how that goes. Your well-being is a priority right now and you need to remember that you are worthy of love and respect. Your children are very lucky to have you.

@AmiraHa

I wish she’d go. It will kill me and I’ll still probably beg her to stay but I think I need to not see her. To see her getting all done up, (and she is stunning) smell that perfume I bought for her and see the excitement as she walks out the door is like actual torture. How can she not even feel sympathy for me?

It seems that your partner checked out a long time ago but instead of communicating with you about how she was feeling, is going through some crisis of going out every evening and trying to create a brand new lifestyle for herself. All of which is very selfish as she’s doing this in front of you, with zero regard for your mental health and feelings. I personally think she’s doing this to get a reaction from you so she can make herself feel less guilty for her selfish actions.

This is spot on. She has even apologised for not telling me before it got this bad. Communication has never been our strongest suit. I do think she’s having some sort of crisis, I mean who goes out all day on the piss midweek? She’s mid-30’s not 19. How is that finding yourself?

She’s definitely doing it for the reaction. I’m boosting her ego as she breaks my heart and twists the knife in. I’m getting to the point where I actually want to stop loving her. Still a way to go yet.

My kids are between 7-15. I think they know anyway. They can see my hurt even though I try to hide it. I took my youngest to the shop and he said ‘we should ask mummy to come’. Nearly broke me.

Thank you for taking time to share with me.

How's things with you @ManandaDad and @Santafan21

Hope the past few days she been kind to you all who are in the early days of this horrible situation.

Know this too will pass.

@unicornsarereal72

Thank you for asking.

It’s all still the same, if not worse.
The children inadvertently found out and she packed all her stuff even though she doesn’t really have anywhere to go. She could stay with family but they don’t really want her there indefinitely.

I then stupidly begged her to stay. And she has. I even more stupidly thought this meant a change of heart but the next day she went to get some free advice and came home spouting divorce talk and that she’s staying until the money/house is sorted. She also said she’ll be spending time away now and again to ‘get some space’.

We’ve spent the weekend together with the kids and it’s been as close to normal as it can be. I just don’t know what the next day will bring or if she will even be there.

I’ve spent alone time painstakingly pouring over the last few months, picking out times she was giving me massive hints she wasn’t happy. But I was clueless. I wonder if I could have done anything anyway as she says she’s leaving to find out who she is.

I’m drinking to numb the pain in the evenings which I think is starting to concern my oldest. I then don’t sleep and in the morning I’m feeling even more shit.

I even tried one of them free dating apps. I know it’s ridiculously soon, I just wanted to see if I could get some attention and try and take my mind to a different place for a bit. It’s just made me feel worse as I’m comparing every woman to my wife and they don’t even come close.

Sorry it’s such a long reply. I know I’m not coping. I can’t stop this feeling of overwhelming pain and I’m just wallowing. I can’t find that strength.

@unicornsarereal72 Thank you for your message. You are very kind.

@ManandaDad, It sounds really toxic. Having her "spending time away" is definitely a good idea at the moment. You both obviously need some space. I may be completely off the mark but it seems like she is enjoying you begging and pleading. I think she is playing with your mind. I really hope you can find some sort peace. Stop drinking, stay off dating sites. (This might be used against you if divorce happens) Make a plan and seek legal advice. It's paramount that you protect yourself. I don't know what your future is but you have to prepare for the worst even if that is not what will happen. Get yourself to the doctors. You have got to get some control over your mental well-being. I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

@ManandaDad

Please phone your gp tomorrow. You need too get things to place you are coping. The children need you to be ok.

Please don't engage anymore with your wife. She has checked out long ago and is not your friend my ex played me the same. Kept coming and going but kept telling me he didn't know what he wanted. It was a lie to manipulate. It has taken me a few years to see him for the narc that he is.

Go get your own legal advice. Tell your family. Let them support you. And seek out some counselling.

This isn't what you want. I know, but don't let her run the show from here. Can you do 50/50 with the kids. How do you make that work? Start valuing the house etc. Don't be manipulated any further. And stay off the dating sites. They are brutal places and not for the vulnerable.

@Santafan21 @unicornsarereal72
Thank you for your messages.

We spent the whole weekend together and apart from the glaringly obvious fact we don’t physically interact, we got on well. I think she only stayed because it was Father’s Day though.

I haven’t begged or pleaded with her this weekend, I’ve just tried to enjoy being a family unit. I haven’t enjoyed it but I know I’m ok when she’s around.

I’ve deleted the dating profile, it was stupid of me to seek attention like a child. It was brutal on there too.

Still drinking the nights away, makes me feel ok at the time, but as I write this the whole in my heart is back, my head is spinning again and I’m just absolutely exhausted. I want to go to sleep and wake up when I feel better.

I’m not sure about going to the gp anymore. I’ve read a bit online and it seems most meds take 2-4 weeks to kick in and the gp always starts you on the lowest dosage. Could be months before there’s any effect. My job is also safety critical. It could have big consequences when I do go back if I’m on mental health meds. I just don’t know what to do.

Don’t have any family or friends to lean on hence coming on here. I’ve got my Dad but he’s firmly in the ‘let her go and forget about her’ style of comforting. Easier to say than do.

Regarding the house/finances I’m the sole earner. I’ll have to lend against the mortgage to pay off her share. It’s something we’re already starting. We always said we’d go 50/50 with the kids. Until she has somewhere adequate they’ll stay with me. She hasn’t even got anywhere to go herself yet. I don’t want to lose the kids 50% of the time.

I’m broken.

I'm sad to see so many of you are in a similar boat to me, but you all sound so strong and you're getting there one step at a time. It's only 3 weeks since my husband left after 20 years together and although I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I definitely can't see it yet.

@Mrsnippycat

I definitely don’t feel like I’m strong at all. I can’t cope. I’d let myself get my hopes up after being with her all weekend and she’s just destroyed me again.

You say you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, which is great. I can’t see a time where I’ll ever be ok. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

You are stronger than you think. You're surviving in a really toxic situation, you realised dating apps were a bad idea and stopped that, and you're doing your best to keep things on an even keel for the kids. Cut that sentence down....you're doing your best. And that's all any of us can do. Left foot, right foot, repeat.

Please consider a chat with a GP, even a telephone consult if you prefer. I did it last week and although the pills aren't helping yet, I'm hopeful they will soon.

You will get through this. I know it's a cliché and it doesn't feel like it now, but I promise you will.

@ManandaDad

You have achieved 2 things. You haven't begged and pleaded. And you took yourself off the dating apps. You also have a clear plan of the future. You can afford to stay in the house and keep the children in a familiar home. And you will have 50/50 care of your children.

Be proud of those small steps

Now the harsh bit

You are making a choice now. You are choosing to drink. And you are choosing to not get help. I work
In mental health. I have worked with doctors. Pilots. Etc. And they have all managed to get help. Antidepressants and work.

Anti depressants may make you feel sleepy and a bit vague for a while. But you are feeling like that anyway. So you can carry on hoping for a miracle. Or you can get some control on this situation and get help.

I do know your world is crashing around you. I could bearly get out of bed for months. I worked fed the kids and slept. You have to survive. And do the things that will help you cope now.

Many many relationships break down. Loved one die. People get ill. It is unbearably painful. But people come out the other side.

Speak to your gp. Find a counsellor. Be proactive now. Because you will then start to feel better sooner.

There is an alternative life. You don't want it. Or like it. But it is what it is. So you have to make the best of this horrible situation. And a few years from now you will be proud of yourself for taking those steps.

@Mrsnippycat

Thank you. Hopefully you’ll start to feel the benefit of the pills soon. I’m really glad you can see a way through it for all of us, I just see a miserable pining for the future I thought I’d have.

I don’t feel as though I’m doing my best for anyone. Selfishly, I’m only happy when she’s around, even though she keeps making it clear it’s only because she has nowhere to go. It’s such a crazy situation, we talk like normal, make jokes, discuss everyday things. And then she’ll just say something to kill my hope. I fear how I’ll be when she goes. Kids keep hugging me like they’re being strong for me when it should be the other way round.

Have you had any contact with your husband? Were you as blindsided by it as I was?

@ManandaDad
Yes, we don't have kids but we have a lot of animals and he still wants to be involved with them so he visits a couple of times a week. Seeing him is HARD but I'm glad we can get along.

I was blindsided. I knew we had problems but we were working on them and making progress. Turns out he's in love with someone he met online. I just thought that as long as we were working on things and we loved each other, it would be ok.

Things are tough just now and I feel so panic-y when I think of all the memories and experiences we shared, or the plans we had, or just the future without him. But I know I will get through it and be ok again - I don't want to be without him but I don't get to make that choice unfortunately. You can do this too.

@unicornsarereal72

I only haven’t begged because she didn’t give me the chance. I don’t know why I do, it’s not like it’s attractive or would work.

My worry with antidepressants and my work is because a guy I worked with was medically retired due to mental health. His was more to do with being depressed rather than a reaction to a ‘trauma’ but even so I am worried about it.

I know I need to do something, I can’t live like this and nor can my kids. You’re right when you say I don’t want this or like it. Losing my kids 50% of the time and not seeing them in their beds every night will be so difficult. I also can’t stop fretting about my wife and all the men that will be drooling after her and all the fun she’s going to have. Stupid I know.

@Mrsnippycat
Oh no, I am sorry. I’m not sure I could deal with there being someone else. I don’t think there’s anyone with my wife yet, it must make it so much harder knowing he’s not lonely or sad.

It must be so frustrating to have been trying to save your marriage and he thought of starting a relationship online instead. I can’t believe people can do this to people they’ve shared so much of their life with.

I didn’t even know we had problems. She kept it all to herself and dropped it when she didn’t want to try anymore.

Do you at least have a good support group? I only have my Dad and he’s fed up of me already.

Things are tough just now and I feel so panic-y when I think of all the memories and experiences we shared, or the plans we had, or just the future without him.

This is how I spend so much of my life now. Couple it with worrying about all the exciting times she’ll have with other men and not me, and it’s pretty much my existence.

@ManandaDad. The thing is, he IS sad and lonely - he's really sad that things have ended up like this, and the woman lives abroad so they're not together and accept nothing can come of it. That is the really frustrating thing. I think if it was a real, physical affair with someone, that would be easier than this. If that makes sense?

I'm so sorry your wife dropped this on you with no warning, that must have been so hard. I see you're worried about medication affecting you at work - would you consider some counselling instead? I'm having some through my work's Employee Assistance Program.
I have some good support but I don't like to trouble people with it. I've also felt quite let down by some people who I thought would be there but definitely are not.

@Mrsnippycat
He’s thrown 20 years away for an online relationship? That blows my mind. Is there no hope of reconciliation at all? If you’re both sad and lonely, and you both love each other, could you find a way back?

I’m not convinced with counselling at all. I don’t find pouring over it all with a stranger cathartic in any way. If I could have some meds where it numbs the pain, helps me to sleep, eat, cope then I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’m just not sure that drug exists (or is legal).

I’m sorry you’ve been let down by people you thought you could trust. That must be even more painful at this time. You should lean on any support you get and don’t feel guilty for burdening. I wish I’d kept my friends and family around and I wouldn’t feel as lonely as I do. I gave it all up as I was happy with my family. Now the rugs been pulled and I’m on my own.