Things i won’t have to put up with once divorced

[BaskingMad]

I want to make a list of things i won’t have to live with anymore once i’m divorced- might be a handy reminder if i get sad about my decision in the future and start seeing past through rose tinted glasses.

• him not doing any household chores. Won’t be feeling angry and wound up every time i tidy up when another adult in the house does none of it
• him showing no affection. I won’t have to feel sad and resigned that that’s my lot till the end of my days.
• i won’t have to wait for him to do diy or other manly jobs in the house. He doesn’t notice things need doing and it takes ages. I will do it/outsource it to professionals myself
• him angrily pacing around on daily basis and having imaginary arguments under his breath. I mentioned many times this puts me on edge and creates not a nice athmosphere but he doesn’t care
• won’t have to have special occassions with him making minimal effort and me feeling sad about it
• won’t have to feel sad about the fact he takes no pictures with me and kids. Ever. This is such a small thing but he literally takes no pics unless i ask and it upsets me.
• his bad hygene
• his almost daily drinking and slinking off to bed at 8.30
• me sitting in front of tv alone every evening whilst he sleeps upstairs
• me worrying about finances and his business and the fact he refuses to talk about plan B if business fails. Worrying about the fact there actually is no plan B. Worrying of debt levels he’s in and how it will affect me and the kids
• won’t have to live hoping things will get better in the future- we’ve been together for 11 years and he won’t change
• his porn habit in the past and whether it’s still ongoing
• his short temper

I will be adding to this list as i go along..

Good idea, Basking. If I'd done a list it would have looked very similar.

Are you still together just now?

I've been divorced for ten years and I still bask in the lovely feeling that I get when I hear about stuff my exh does because I know he's no longer my problem.

• I will never tolerate someone who does fuck all round the house
• I will not accept infidelity, and lies
• I will be aware of controlling/abusive behaviour - will be super vigilant of red flags
• I will not be bottom of someone's priority list

Not sharing a bed

Doing every early morning or night waking because there is only you there not because their other parent won't!

Not accommodating what they will/won't eat for menu planning

No hogging of the bathroom

These kinds of threads always cheer me up! Now I am divorced I no longer have

• the smell of his farts all the time
• skid marks on the bedsheets
• my chocolate going missing when he had his own but ate that too
• football on the tv
• tense atmosphere/narky moods
• his hypochondria

There's more too, but this will do for now :)

@ABCDay we’re still living in the same house, i completed divorce petition about a month ago.
Roll on future.

• the constant lying and gaslighting
• the anxiety of what mood hes going to be in when he walks in when weve been so cheerful up until that point
• his psycho dad
• the emotional blackmail into sex
• the stench of fags and weed
• the irritation that he does no parenting then sulks that his relationship with the kids is shit
• constantly hoping for the best and being let down by his behaviour and moods

He fucked off for another woman 6 months ago - it took a while for the shock to settle in but im so thankful for it now. I am literally happy on a daily basis and thats priceless :)

I'm with you, Basking

My life is just so calm now. I knew things were tense when we were together but as soon as we separated a calmness decended (within the hour!) and I realised how horrific it had actually been. It is bliss now

What a brilliant post! Thanks for starting!
Yes to the gaslighting and blameshifting! I don't miss doubting every thing.
Also dont miss his constant social media use and phone addiction . Its fabulous to have a bed to myself and not listening to hideous snoring all night!

Oh, another one:

• won’t have to have piles of his clothes in the bedroom and
• won’t have to nag him like an overgrown teen to put them away

On a different note, what is it with men and skidmarks on bedsheet, i means seriously... no excuse!

@trogladite- i almost feel sorry for the poor woman who’s with your ex now... what a catch It must be a breath of fresh air (literally) to not have him around!

Skid marks on bedsheets??? What type of human does such a thing? That in itself is grounds for divorce. 🤮

Great idea for a list
Good luck to you op

Oh, and the constant radio/sports on tv - no peace & quiet!

Stinking the toilet out & spending hours in there, avoiding domestic responsibilities/life.

His racer-boy driving (in his 40's!)

He always has a half-dead basil plant in the windowsill - which he never cooks with.

It sounds like you've had a crap time baskin

It's good to put lists like these together to focus on this moment and get you through the process.

I'm still having therapy 3 years after divorcing my awful narc Ex and it's so hard to get thoughts of them out of your head.

Going forward you need to start thinking and focusing on YOU! Not HIM. You are the priority, think about your good new life and your own self care.

Each time you think of something he has done or what he would do, pull it back and think of yourself and the positive changes in your life.

Make a list for yourself about things you are going to do.

Im still working on it but it gets easier.

Good luck

The incessant frantic wanking
The sex pestering
The porn viewing
The inability to get it up because of the above
The constant smelly shitting - why?
The sheer laziness and ignorance, turning me basically into a maid when it's my house and I'm the one with the job
The constant fetish crap prancing about in latex catsuits - he looked absolutely ridiculous
The constant stinking breath and BO that would make me feel sick as we lay in bed
The sulking and non communication
The total ignoring of my birthday or Christmas no matter how hard I tried for his.
His endless hobbies - I was expected to trail about after him.
What a prince of men he was.
Thank fuck he's gone.

Bloody hell, Matcadlady, I'm glad I've not had breakfast today

@madcatladyforever Christ Almighty, you're well rid of that one!! Feel sorry for whoever ends up with him next!!

Watching what you want to on the telly.

Not having to smell his stinky shit when he craps in the en suite while you are still in bed

Eating better and choosing whatever you want to.

Not having to share a bed

No cutting the tense air and nearly every day being a calm one at home

No walking on eggshells

No having tidy up if you don't feel like it. No one cares if yesterdays shoes are laying around or there is a bit of dust.

No more disappointments when he forgets your birthday/anniversary/momentous day

No more having to deal with in laws

Just smile and wave

@madcatladyforever, not sure it’s appropriate but your list made me laugh out loud. Just the mental image of him frantically doing .. ahem.. all those things whilst prancing around in latex catsuit... priceless.

@Secretsout, thing is, i don’t think i had it that bad in comparison... but then i have no clue what a normal relationship looks like so yeah, that might be why. Yes, you’re right, we all need to focus on us and restoring inner peace. These days all the things listed are losing the power to affect and annoy me, instead I feel liberated- i won’t have to put up with in for much longer.

Yes, it was the latex catsuit that tipped me over the edge too

Oh yes, I could add some of those to my list (apart from the latex, ewww)

Not having to listen to his performance belching, and smelling his breath after..

Ditto farts, beery, hideous, real ale farts, in the car, with the windows closed. I literally felt sick. He would laugh.

Not waking up and wondering if he'd pissed the bed again after crashing out, drunk.

Being able to take my kids out for lunch and not seeing him being moody because he couldn't have a beer, or having to go somewhere that he could have beer.

Ditto picnics, days out etc... Cans in his bag, always.

I do have to drive everywhere still but I don't have to run him about everywhere he needs to be.

Bed to myself and not having to hang off the edge

No putting up with his sulking about not having sex, no having to drink loads to get through it, no boring, missionary, crappy sex with him not looking at me the whole time, not going down on me ever and it only being to get to the end point...after which he would apologise and ask if I had come... 🤔😂
I'm now with someone who clearly loves my body, delights in my flabby, 43 Yr old tummy and wobbly bits and cannot stop telling me how sexy I am and who never, ever, ever has to ask if I'm satisfied, (because its bloody obvious!!) it's a revelation!

Coming home to an empty house but knowing I can do what I like and I dont have to try to force conversation or sit in silence, unless I want to.

I'm still responsible for everything, the cleaning, as hopping, cooking, bills, kids school stuff, clothes, clubs, schedules... But I don't have that burning resentment or need to be bloody passive aggressive all the time, because his shit isn't my responsibility anymore.

We lived together throughout the whole of lockdown and it was horrible...its been a few months since he left and I still feel guilty thaw t I'm so happy and he's pretty miserable, he's not a bad man really and has many, many redeeming qualities but when not drinking he's a fun sponge and found it hard to communicate or show affection... I love having my place to myself and occasionally seeing my bloke on my terms, not having to clean up after anyone else and yes, doing all the late nights and early mornings but getting a break regularly as he now has to do it sometimes, at his house.

High five to the lot of you!!!! Your first list @BaskingMad is pretty much my exact list too! Someone once told me to make a list of pros and cons when I told them I wanted to leave DH, and there was literally nothing on the pro list. Nothing! And I really relate to the photograph thing - I've hardly got any photos of me with the kids. The reason being DH doesn't even come out to the park etc (but will want a f*ing certificate if he organises a caravan holiday) so I end up doing selfies with them. And if I do ever ask him to take a photo, he makes a massive drama out of it and needs a full explanation of how to use the camera on my phone and then flounces off when he 'can't do it.'
I honestly don't care if I have to do all the housework and looking after the kids if it's just me in the house. I am exhausted every day anyway, so to do it all and not have to tip toe around a massive kid, that would be lovely. Great to see your update @Stegasaurusmum and so pleased you're having a wonderful revelation!

If it was me I’d be glad to be rid of the strops, followed by sulks. That’s just my DP though... He can be like an extra large 5 year old.

Oh, and farting to entertain himself. When he thinks no one can hear (we can).

Lots and lots of the above, but also no-one shouts in my house now, ever. The only person who has was him, on a visit In the early days after our divorce, so now he's very rarely allowed in.

And not having to have 'practical' dark coloured furniture and carpets which made the gloomy atmosphere even more oppressive. When I decorated my own home my daughter said it was like living in a cloud 😬