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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Things i won’t have to put up with once divorced

71 replies

BaskingMad · 12/10/2020 18:05

I want to make a list of things i won’t have to live with anymore once i’m divorced- might be a handy reminder if i get sad about my decision in the future and start seeing past through rose tinted glasses.

  • him not doing any household chores. Won’t be feeling angry and wound up every time i tidy up when another adult in the house does none of it
  • him showing no affection. I won’t have to feel sad and resigned that that’s my lot till the end of my days.
  • i won’t have to wait for him to do diy or other manly jobs in the house. He doesn’t notice things need doing and it takes ages. I will do it/outsource it to professionals myself
  • him angrily pacing around on daily basis and having imaginary arguments under his breath. I mentioned many times this puts me on edge and creates not a nice athmosphere but he doesn’t care
  • won’t have to have special occassions with him making minimal effort and me feeling sad about it
  • won’t have to feel sad about the fact he takes no pictures with me and kids. Ever. This is such a small thing but he literally takes no pics unless i ask and it upsets me.
  • his bad hygene
  • his almost daily drinking and slinking off to bed at 8.30
  • me sitting in front of tv alone every evening whilst he sleeps upstairs
  • me worrying about finances and his business and the fact he refuses to talk about plan B if business fails. Worrying about the fact there actually is no plan B. Worrying of debt levels he’s in and how it will affect me and the kids
  • won’t have to live hoping things will get better in the future- we’ve been together for 11 years and he won’t change
  • his porn habit in the past and whether it’s still ongoing
  • his short temper

I will be adding to this list as i go along..

OP posts:
TazMac · 14/10/2020 16:55

His racer-boy driving (in his 40's!)

What is it with this? My ex used to do this. This is about 10 years ago but my DP at the time used to drive my 1.2 Polo like it was a sports car, going round roundabouts almost on 2 wheels. Ridiculous.

BaskingMad · 14/10/2020 17:07

@whereiwanttobe- oh yes! I have already purchased blush pink curtains for the living room- love the soft glow and on practical note, that way i’m sure he won’t take them with himGrin
I have an eye on a lush sofa which i know he’d hate- luckily i won’t have to care about that!

OP posts:
Graphista · 14/10/2020 21:41

18 years single here and still loving it, would take someone EXTREMELY special to get me to live with another non blood related adult again.

I love:

Being able to watch what I want on tv and listen to on the radio and it's not boring sport!

Being able to eat what and when I like, if I want tea and toast in bed at 3am I can have it

Being able to wander around in few clothes or naked in the summer without risking either a sex pounce or a nasty comment about my body (usually if I rejected the sex pounce)

Having the bed to myself

Being able to unselfconsciously fart, burp, blow my nose etc (bringing down the tone a bit I know)

Being able to unselfconsciously sing at the top of my voice, dance if I feel like it

Once I've tidied/cleaned a thing it stays clean and tidy! He used to especially annoy me by just throwing clean cutlery in the drawer however inc sharp knives and at best I'd have to sort it to find what I wanted at worse I'd end up scratched or cut! He was also a dick for overloading cupboards and drawers and when I opened them I'd get an avalanche of stuff dropping on me or the drawer was stuck! Also means when I need a pen I can bloody find one!

Being able to have my home heated/aired to my preference

Being able to use the bathroom when I want, also being able to have a bath in peace without someone wanting the loo at the same time!

Being able to decorate how I want

Knowing how much I have in the bank (rarely much but still) and so knowing when I use my card it'll work, managing my own money and it's totally up to me what I buy.

Doing what I like on celebration days - birthdays, Easter, christmas...

Not having to listen to him constantly complain about his job and his boss when he didn't have the balls to deal with the problems OR the problems were minor and of an expected nature such that they were part of the job - every job has pros and cons you're not going to love every aspect.

Not having to listen to him bang on with his stupid, ill informed rantings about various political areas. He had a very privileged childhood and adulthood yet has zero appreciation of this.

ABCDay · 15/10/2020 10:12

Griphista, are you me? Is your ex mine? Confused

Not having every birthday intentionally ruined.

Not having to sit for hours listening to him ranting and crying about how awful I made his life. Typical narcissist, the truth is he was the one who wouldn't do the things he wanted to do, I never stopped him, but he was too weak to try because he couldn't bear failing.

He failed a lot Grin

No more being blamed for things that were entirely his doing or choice.

No more him blowing his fucking stinking breath in my face specifically because it made me unhappy.

No more shit left in the shower or on the towels.

I can now enjoy my relationships with my friends and family without him trying to put me off them. I didn't realise at the time because he didn't openly stop me from seeing anyone but he always insidiously put little seeds of doubt in my mind about the people I love. No more. They are now getting to know the real me.

noideawhatusernametochoose · 15/10/2020 10:42

Lots of this sounds very familiar :)

For me:-
Not having to walk on eggshells.
Not having that feeling of dread going home, it was such a horrible atmosphere.
Not having to clear empty wine and beer bottles from the fireplace every single morning
Not having to put up with his aggressive and fast driving.
And so much more.
Why did I put up with it for so long? I genuinely thought I was doing the right thing by the kids in keeping us together - I was completely wrong.

TazMac · 15/10/2020 12:19

@ABCDay

Shit in the shower? That’s disgusting.

isthismylifenow · 15/10/2020 12:33

I forgot a major one. It seems so trivial but I was massive for me.

I can listen to music as loud as I like when I cook for the dc and me.

When I was married we were not to have any music playing, the radio wasn't to be on. If i was listening to something, anything, he would storm in and turn it off. We had to respect that he had been at work all day and wanted peace and quiet when he got home. ( I work full time too)

Its not like I had big bass speakers going here. I had a clock radio in the kitchen that I would sometimes put on. I no longer have that clock radio as in one of these tantrums he grabbed it, yanking it out of the socket and threw it in the bin.

So, I now have a bluetooth speaker, and i play music through it while I cook, while I shower, while i bath, while I sit outside. I dance too. By myself or with the dc, even with the dog in the kitchen and I love every damn minute of it.

ABCDay · 15/10/2020 12:58

Good for you, Isthismylife Smile

TazMac isn't it? But I was the unreasonable one for asking him to make sure the shower tray was clean once he'd finished Confused

TazMac · 15/10/2020 13:06

So many men children around. The toilet is usually a couple of feet away from the shower, I’m really struggling to understand why someone would shit in the shower.

barbrahunter · 15/10/2020 14:56

omg @ABCDay my skiddy bed sheets pale into insignificance when faced with your shit in the shower. What the heck is wrong with these men??

Graphista · 15/10/2020 19:41

@ABCDay I don't think so he's remarried and she has had to put up with his shit for longer than I ever did Grin karmas a wonderful thing (she was ow)

I never stopped him, but he was too weak to try because he couldn't bear failing

Although this has me questioning! This is exactly like my ex! Dear god there's 2 of em!

No more being blamed for things that were entirely his doing or choice and again!

He wouldn't have shit in the shower though wtf!!!

Seriously how were these arseholes raised?! (And no I'm not just blaming the mothers!)

My ex shamed his parents on several issues, he was totally spoiled but even so some of the stuff he TRIED to get away with even they were like "oh come on! We raised you better than that!!"

MiddleClassMother · 15/10/2020 19:51

I love my DH but:
He takes up too much room in the bed
Always forgets to set the burglar alarm
Never charges his phone
Always late to pick me up (I can't drive)
Forgets something everyday
can't cook to save his life

It would be hard to find some positives if I divorced him (hopefully I never will) but more wardrobe space would also be welcome😝

Leigh1975 · 15/10/2020 19:58

The constant need for cannibus and living with a stoner
The constant ranting about the world but with aggression
His abusive ways and put me downs
Never cooks or cleans very rarely .
All the negativity about other people
The constant falls out with his works and family members

The constant lending of money
And gambling

madcatladyforever · 15/10/2020 20:02

Yup the latex catsuit nonsense was the last straw for me. Hed go out in it and answer the door to the postman too. So.ehow thought it made him look edgy. It didn't.

torquewench · 15/10/2020 20:15

Oooh! Can I join in?😁 no more listening to him sucking on his teeth, no enduring him flicking through all the TV channels, no listening to his constant paranoia that his manager is out to get him sacked from a job he's done for 30+ years, not sitting next to him on the couch whilst he's messaging on dating apps, not having to kiss him knowing that hes not picked up a toothbrush for about 4 years, not having to sit in his filthy untidy house that resembles a squat, not having to worry whether hes in a good mood and chatty or bad mood and argumentative, no more watching him have more than 5 pints in an evening and knowing he'll start a fight to hide the fact he cant get an erection as a result. Then the snoring like a hippo night after night. He repeatedly tells me he'll have no bother finding someone to replace me. Ladies, he's on POF and Zoosk, do yourselves a favour and swipe left ⛔ 🤣

torquewench · 15/10/2020 22:52

Having read this thread again, I am wondering how these specimens managed to snare a partner in the first place. Was it a gradual onset of bad behaviour and habits? Or was love/lust blinding us all to all their faults? 🤣🤔

Graphista · 15/10/2020 23:11

@torquewench probably a combination of both those things. Plus probably a bit of baby fever in my case and that might apply to others too so biological imperative too. I also oddly blame the pill! As soon as I came off it (to ttc) he irritated fuck out of me! But the BI was powerful then too.

BloodyMiserable · 16/10/2020 07:43

@torquewench - I also think most of us are on our best behaviour for the first year or two in a relationship.

Sometimes it's only when you move in together that you see them for what they are; the real person begins to show.

And I can forgive myself for not knowing in my 20's what I know now in my 40's.

I didn't know what a boundary or a red flag was - I certainly do now!!

torquewench · 16/10/2020 08:10

Thats true. However ... I was 44 when I started a relationship with my ex. I should've known better after his mother's first words when he told her we were together were "do you know what he's like?" And his lovely dad, on a separate occasion simply said "he's an idiot, he wont treat you properly". Looking back, all the warning signs for him being a classic narcissist were there, like a tick list - lovebombing, discard, then hoovering.

ABCDay · 16/10/2020 09:06

The similarities are quite disturbing. Mine thought he was so unique and gifted but he's just the same as every other narcissistic abuser.

There were occasions of abuse at the beginning but I didn't feel I could leave him so soon after we'd got together. What a mistake that was! It definitely got worse towards the end, once he'd hooked up with his little chubby chaser. She is more than welcome to him, I pity her now.

torquewench · 16/10/2020 09:20

Mine's quite chubby too, although Im told his dating profile says "average body type". Thats quite a stretch🤦🏼‍♀️ Big beer belly, broken teeth, foul breath, long hair, small willy that doesnt function well due to his excessive alcohol intake, plus death grip syndrome ... WHAT WAS I THINKING? The thought of him pumping away dripping sweat over me is making me clench all over in shame 😖

cupboardmonster · 16/10/2020 12:56

Everything always being about him.
Him never cleaning up after himself when he used the loo, often not even bothering to flush.
His moods, rages and having to walk on eggshells.
Him saying delightful things like "sex is just a wank with a body".
The self pitying tedious tortured artist/writer/intellectual routine. People from the village still feel the need to try and update me on how the special one is if I ever bump into them. I've stopped being polite and started saying "why are you telling me this?".

Getting rid of him cost me a fortune and it was worth every single penny!

isthismylifenow · 16/10/2020 13:22

@torquewench

Having read this thread again, I am wondering how these specimens managed to snare a partner in the first place. Was it a gradual onset of bad behaviour and habits? Or was love/lust blinding us all to all their faults? 🤣🤔
For me it was really that I just didn't know any different as he was my first boyfriend who I met at 17.

2nd time around with exp who I was with for a year, I got out once I realised he wasn't the nice guy he claimed to be.

Graphista · 16/10/2020 13:47

@BloodyMiserable biochemically the rose tinted glasses are in place for the 1st 12-18 months and only gradually wear off from that point.

It's why I always advise on here it's best not to move in, get pregnant, get married until you've been together at least 3 years and a number of studies bear this out, that couples who are together a minimum of 3 years before marrying are more likely to stay together.

Marrying etc before you know their bad habits and annoying quirks and whether they're liveable with is not a good idea.

And even then when you first live together it's an adjustment, it's why they USED to say the 1st year of marriage is the hardest. I remember my grans both saying they felt like murdering my grandads at points in the 1st year (I'm sure my grandads has similar tales but one had passed by the time of this conversation and was much missed despite his annoying habits, the other was always a man of few words and not given to talking about "personal" things).

Most of my ex's habits were annoying but tolerable and nobody's perfect and I had things that annoyed him too, I know I can be hard to live with at times but I drew the line at being cheated on!

Also agree that life experience changes how you view things AND what you'll tolerate. I'm far less tolerant now than I was in my early 20's when I married.

@torquewench A shame you had to learn the hard way. It's why the "thong 'uns" on site should listen to us older and wiser ones. Not wiser because we're "better than them" but because we've been through shit!

Something I have to remind my now adult dd of on occasion when she's ignoring my sensible advice Grin

There are occasionally threads on here listing the warning signs, red flags etc.

Personally I think there's a lot of work to be done in educating youngsters as to the warning signs of abuse especially. Tempting to write "girls" as it's generally boys/men that tend tot the abusive patterns but it can be girls/women too, plus I'm thinking it's also good for the boys to know we see them and their abusive behaviour! And MAYBE such education would teach them NOT to do this shit? I know, yet another thing for schools etc etc but of course we can't rely on parents here as more often than not that's where abusers and victims learn to BE abusers and victims FROM.

Maybe an easier/better way is to teach them "this is what a good healthy relationship looks like" ?

Mine isn't chubby but he's no oil painting either, he looks...ill! Being with him has somehow buggered her looks too, someone sent me a pic of her now (long story don't ask!) and didn't tell me who it was a pic of! I didn't recognise her! She's still slim but it actually looks gaunt on her now though, she's almost completely grey and doesn't dye (her choice but she's not even 35!) she looks old, tired and worn out!

Now they have 5 dc which may well be part of it, but as the person who sent the pic said he did the clichéd leaving me for a younger woman and she now looks older than me!

Funnily enough me gaining weight was an issue for him and he'd make digs, which I ignored. I hear she takes such digs to heart, she IS slim but OBVIOUSLY after 5 dc she's gained SOME weight and her body has changed that's normal. This apparently doesn't stop him from making the digs!

Also me being fat didn't stop him from chasing after me just before THEIR wedding. He even complimented certain things that were due to the weight gain.

takeabrolly · 16/10/2020 13:48

Great topic! I got rid of 12st of excess weight 6 months ago and I'm loving:
Not having to sit in my car not wanting to go home because of the atmosphere
Having toast for my tea instead of 'proper' dinners every day if I like.
Not having the silent treatment for weeks on end
Being able to see my family and friends without the fall out afterwards.
Having the bed to myself
Decorating the house the way I want without all of his crap
Watching what I want on the telly
Not having to anticipate his moods and trying to head situations off before he kicked off.
Loud music whenever I want to listen to it

I will NEVER share my home with a man again. If anyone is thinking about sorting their life out my advice would be to just do it. Yes its tricky for a while but so so worth it!

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