Bullying, gaslighting ex - my confidence is shot

[accessorizequeen]

I wondered how other people in the same situation stop it affecting them? I had an email from my ex on Wednesday and the panic attacks are even worse 2 days later. I’ve realised it’s having a direct impact on my ability to work, confidence, mental health, my relationships with our children. Two years down the road he’s still bullying me. Still gaslighting and lying.

We split in Dec 17, have four kids together aged 11/11/13/16. Three of them have Aspergers and are challenging, esp my youngest son. My 13yo won’t see his dad anymore since dec 19 and my 16yo has refused to go half the time in recent months. As has my 11yo dad periodically. In theory he has them two nights a week.

I blocked him on my phone about 18 months ago. I tried to unblock him earlier this year as things had calmed and then I couldn’t cope so I blocked again. After the last essay, my sister will share a new email account with me and read it first. I communicate with him as little as possible but the last email was in response to me telling him my 16yo didn’t want to come. My son didn’t want to tell him, so I did.

I just want to stop feeling like I’ve been punched every time.

I don’t have an answer but wanted to bump this for you and say I hear you.

Thank you so much Freda 🙌🏻

Probably not the most helpful... but in 7 years your youngest will be 18 so you perhaps don't need to have as much contact with him and they probably can cut ties with him too

Um, no, thinking about 7 more years of bullying isn’t a very positive solution. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you contacted women’s aid or similar? It’s emotional abuse what you’ve gone and are still going through. They can help

I haven’t. I guess I see Women’s Aid for women who are in much more trouble than I am? He words his emails in ways that sound reasonable unless you know the facts.

Is it possible to have a family meeting with the children you and him, with and agenda. You could have it on zoom. If not, just keep doing what you are doing and not reading his emails

He would be all reason in a meeting. Lies through his teeth. I counted 16 separate criticisms of me in his latest email. From saying I don’t ensure the kids have showers to me orchestrating two of our kids not wanting to see him. And then accuses me of being behind one of our other kids wanting to see him. He’s unhinged.

Hi accessorizequeen. In your original post you say things calmed down earlier in the year. Do you know the circumstances around this? I think you are doing the right thing, having someone else see the emails first.
Also where e-mails are concerned, I expect you keep things on a very neutral basis and keeping them as brief and to the point as possible. Do you think he's aware the effect it is having on you?

Post in Relationships OP. There is lots of really good advice there on this particular situation. Sadly it is very common.
Your 16 year old can communicate directly with your ex. No need for you to be involved.
Get a cheap PAYG phone just for ex's msgs. Block him from your usual phone.
The separate email account is a great idea and you only need to check it once a week. Plus, if all communication is in writing that should stop some of the bullying /gaslighting.

Sounds flippant i know but people can only bother you as much as you let them.. can you not turn it into a joke.. like oh whats he saying now.. humour him in your mind? You might find his words just roll off you instead of getting in your head

If you have fixed contact why are messaging at all?

He turns up the DC that want to go do so, shut door.

Don't bother reading what he sends...

@defendervank I think I mistook a couple of pleasant emails for signs that he had changed. I realised within a few days that he was just the same. So I blocked again. Yes my emails are as grey rock as possible. I don’t reply to most of his. I honestly don’t know if he knows how upsetting it is. Or he might say I’m just weak.

@endofthelinefinally My 16yo was struggling to tell his dad. He and my 2 other boys have Aspergers. I have taken the heat for them all before. If I’m struggling with him imagine how kids find it. He is blocked for messages. Has been for 18 months.

I am sorry.
I forgot about the aspergers.
That makes ex's bullying so much worse.

I have a second phone - have one method of communication and block him on the others. Seriously rebut every single criticism -one by one but only do this once every two weeks.

Set out an email:

From now on your emails are going via a third party- if they contain abusive / criticisms of me -they will not be responded to

Get your sister to email back and say

I have highlighted in red your abusive comments about AQ -due to the abusive nature of this email I will not be passing it on. Please rewrite your email and stick to the issue raised -ie contact and not criticism of her.

Ideally contact needs to be only about one thing. Access.

So your email to him can be
Starting 7th September we are alternating weekends -
Yours will be the following:
At half term you are offered:
At christmas you are offered:

Different email.
If 16 year old doesnt want to go -he can text his dad direct. And you can email.
16 year old has said he no longer wishes contact and he says it is for this reason if you wish to discuss it please do so direct with him, I understand he has texted you and discussed it with you. I will continue to encourage a safe and positive relationship :..............................

Seperate emails about everything.

@SadSack39 I have tried this. I’ve tried to ignore the criticism and the lies and the gaslighting. But try as I might his words hurt me.

@RandomMess No messages, he’s blocked. We can’t share four kids and never communicate about them. For example he’s getting married next week so we had to sort out access for his wedding and honeymoon. I only email or reply when I absolutely have to.

@endofthelinefinally Not to worry! It does add more challenge to this setup as my kids behave quite differently with me than they do with him. They mask a lot whilst they’re with him especially since he moved in with his GF and 3 kids.

@YorkshireTeaIsTheBest
You’re right, email should only be about access. He makes it about everything else. I haven’t replied to his criticisms. I like the idea of a stock response to everything that isn’t about the issue. That makes a lot of sense.

I would literally ignore anything that isn't about contact.

If you don't have fixed contact then perhaps that is the way forward...

@RandomMess I do ignore the emails or the parts of emails that don’t need a response. We do have fixed days but over lockdown we had to be more flexible obvious. And his wedding. Christmas etc. I just inform him of necessary facts etc. He then responds with an avalanche of criticism. He never calls me names or what I can point to and say “abusive”. It’s the pattern. The insidious relentlessness of it. And the lying. It’s eating away at me.

Why do you communicate with him at all. You say your sister shares an email account with you? Can you arrange for all his emails to go to her and she responds on your behalf? As in. He emails he wants kids xyz days. Sister speaks to you to inform you of this. Your DC say they don't want to go. Tell sister. Sister politely says they don't want to go.

Obviously if this distresses your sister, maybe someone who doesn't give a shit for his nonsense can do the emailing? A brother would be even better.

Ex knows your weaknesses and preys on them. Stopping letting him do this.

I should add I do ignore the emails or the parts of emails that don’t need a response isn't strictly correct. They upset you. They anger you. They get under your skin. Stop allowing him to do this.

I think therapy would help you most.

You know he speaks lies yet it's deeply wounding you. What you need to learn to develop an armour suit so his words just bounce off.

Does a tiny part of you fear he is right about you, that there is a teeny bit of truth in his nastiness?

@fuckingcovid How? I’ve spent 2 years trying. Hurtful words still...hurt me. The lies hurt me. The things he manipulates our DC about hurt me. I know he’s lying, I know he’s an asshole. It still gets under my skin. It’s why I posted.

@RandomMess I had counselling all of last year. Just about this. I think lockdown and the extra stress of kids home, my income etc has brought me undone. I’m crying a lot. Yes his words seem almost designed to prod at the things I shouldn’t believe about myself but do. As my original post said, my confidence is shot and he is one of the reasons it is shot.