Bullying, gaslighting ex - my confidence is shot

[accessorizequeen]

I wondered how other people in the same situation stop it affecting them? I had an email from my ex on Wednesday and the panic attacks are even worse 2 days later. I’ve realised it’s having a direct impact on my ability to work, confidence, mental health, my relationships with our children. Two years down the road he’s still bullying me. Still gaslighting and lying.

We split in Dec 17, have four kids together aged 11/11/13/16. Three of them have Aspergers and are challenging, esp my youngest son. My 13yo won’t see his dad anymore since dec 19 and my 16yo has refused to go half the time in recent months. As has my 11yo dad periodically. In theory he has them two nights a week.

I blocked him on my phone about 18 months ago. I tried to unblock him earlier this year as things had calmed and then I couldn’t cope so I blocked again. After the last essay, my sister will share a new email account with me and read it first. I communicate with him as little as possible but the last email was in response to me telling him my 16yo didn’t want to come. My son didn’t want to tell him, so I did.

I just want to stop feeling like I’ve been punched every time.

What sort of counselling was it? It sounds more like you need longer term therapy, do you think you could have PTSD from his years of abuse?

Just standard stuff. To be honest my counsellor was lovey but she didn’t know what gaslighting was. I had to explain it. The phrase “years of abuse” - I just can’t see what’s been done to me like that. Yes he gaslighted me for our entire 19 years relationship but I’ve read the accounts of what men do to women on here. My experience is just not in that vein. But I am frustrated by others (including my sisters who are wonderful) just telling me to stop letting it bothering me. I keep having flashbacks to things he said or did - new things come to light. And even when I think I know it all, that I have remembered and dealt with it all, something else pops up.

It's so difficult to get over a chronic emotional abuser but you can if you want to. Know that there will be times of anxiety when things get tough or he presses the buttons that trigger you. But remember that he has no power over you only the power you give him. His lies make no difference to the facts. You are a good mum and a decent person end of.thats all you need to remember. His lies are lies not truth. I have to tell myself this daily with my ex. He will lie to make himself feel better about his terrible behaviour. Stay strong and remind yourself of how far you have come and be determined to succeed going forward

I had a business partner like this. Used to send emails with lies in them working on the theory that if I didn't rebutt them then people might believe it. So I ignored the comments for a while. It didn't work.

I then started saying don't lie this did not happen. Every fucking time. He started to look unhinged. Sure, people thought we were 'fighting', but they are least didn't have his lies sitting there unchallenged. He couldnt pretend any more.

However you s as kid need a new counsellor. Yours sounds wet as fuck and clearly has no clue. Personally I found an excellent solicitor to be the best 'counsellor' I'll ever have. Not because I talked to them but because they put a stop to his antics.

Oh and if you do have ptsd please look at emdr. It's a short but very effective therapy.

Take the money you would waste spend on years of therapy and get a really nasty solicitor.

My therapist (not counsellor) told me it takes at least a year of therapy for each decade of age...

I would seriously try an find someone that specialises in helping people that have been abused. Women's Aid may be able to point you in the right direction.

Many therapists will offer reduced rates if your finances fit a certain criteria.

Ring them up, speak to them, see who "gets it".

Hi Hun I'm actually in the same boat as you, I split from my narcissistic, manipulative and aggressive ex in Aug 2017, I suffered DV with him. We have 4 children and I had high anxiety and it has taken 3 years for it to calm down. Due to me blocking him in everything and only emailing him. And having him contacting social services, police due to apparently kidnapping his kids, call outs from schools him picking kids up without my knowledge. List goes on. Unfortunately there isn't much you can do with him but pick your battles on emails on what to respond and what not to respond to. No matter what you email you will always be in the wrong in his eyes. Your kids come first. As long as the children are with you and in your house you don't have to send them any where. But if he's got parental responsibility as well he can take the children even if they don't want to go from outside your property for no more than 28days in this count or abroad, as your the main parent, after that it's kidnapping. It's ridiculous I know but that's what I've been told be police, DV and solicitors. When that happens you can take out a non molestation and occupation order. As what he's doing is DV to you as he's emotionally abusing you. Any one from Woman's Aid reading his emails would see it but also on you as well. As even mentioning your past with him triggers anxiety when you speak about what he's done. But you need to be strong and accept your ex will never change even if you think he has he will never change. That's what narcissists do! Do not give him power or control when you respond but tough and clear and enforce your boundaries in your emails. Show him that you control the situation no matter the outcome. I'm sorry you are going through this but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will feel your happy strong self not matter what that man throws at you.

I said, and it's simple, change your email address, your sister makes one which he uses for contact. She lets you know re child contact, and ignores any other shit. If he knows you will never see any of the shit he writes about you, he will stop. Block him everywhere. I'm sure your supportive sisters would do this.

He does not contact you directly.

You do not contact him directly.

Why won't that work?

@Vodkacranberryplease Your business partner sounds a nightmare to deal with, I’m glad it’s over. I can’t call out my ex though as that would put my dc in the middle of it. They know he’s blocked but (unless he’s told them) not the rest.

@allinadaystwerk Thank you . I looked at his latest email again and I could see how he’d lashed out at me to justify himself. He doesn’t want to see his kids any more than he does. It suits him to not see our 13yo. I found his words just kept echoing in my mind last week and my panic attacks were awful as a result.

@SandyN89 That sounds horrendous. The lengths that they will go to for control. I still find that really hard to see - that this what he wants. Or what he wanted for decades.

@fuckingcovid I hope it works. My sister would be doing me a great favour but then his words just make her cross - they don’t send her into a tailspin as they do me. I hardly dare hope for an end to it all. He’s getting married next week - why can’t he leave me alone?

This is going to sound really harsh but having survived this i want to share my two pence!

Your ex was an asshole,is an asshole and will forever be an asshole. You have no control over this. You do have control on how you react to it however. You need counselling to determine why his opinion matters to you? Why give him that power why give him exactly what he wants. He doesnt know you anymore to criticize you. His opinion means nothing!!

Only a weak person needs to tear another down to make them feel better about themselves and this is your ex. When I realised that my own ex was so mentally damaged that he had to try put me down to build himself up I actually began to feel sorry for him. How awful must someones life be that the only way they can feel better about themself is to be cruel to another?

You need to stop thinking of ways to change his behaviours and focus on ways to handle your reactions and in turn your kids will see you overcoming it and they will too

@2ndtimemum2 I didn’t actually post about changing his behaviour. He’s not going to change. I posted about how I could stop being affected so much. And the answer seems to be to shut him down so he just can’t reach me. Also, I had counselling to deal with being gaslighted for 20 years. I wasn’t aware of it during our relationship. Yes, he will remain an asshole and I accept that. I feel sorry for my kids. But they will make their own choices in time and have started to move away from him. They don’t know of the gaslighting and continuing emotional abuse. That’s not their burden to bear. I am trying really hard to manage my emotional reactions but it’s been a very hard few months and my mental health has taken a hit.

If your sister is going to be an intermediary via the email account then you no longer have to read anything from him.

Your sister can tell you his request and you can say yes or no...

In the meantime you need professional help to overcome the abuse you have suffered. So glad you are free and can start to heal.

Thank you @RandomMess. The way you’ve put it - I’m in control, not him. My eldest is going through a crisis now about GCSEs and I felt quite worried about my ex’s response. But if I just don’t have to read it. If he knows I won’t even see it. Game changer (I hope)

Does you DS even want him involved/to know?

Are you informing him of too much? His communication about their education should be with the school.

You cannot co-parent with him so don't even try. Only communication should be about contact (offer fixed with a take it or leave it attitude) or serious health concerns of the DC.

Absolutely nothing else...

My DS can hardly hide it if he changes subjects or college. He will face questions. He seems quite depressed at present so I want to protect him. That’s often what’s brought the wrath of my ex down on me. If I dare to stand up for what my kids want. I realised more than a year ago that I couldn’t co-parent. I opted to stop telling him about parents evenings and reports and so forth. I still stick to what I have to tell him legally. So I don’t know if I’m telling him too much. Whatever I have to share (eg my DD developed serious problems with eating over lockdown) he will bring personal criticism and lies into it.

If DS isn't seeing him I wouldn't have informed him, left him to find out from school reports etc.

Hopefully your sister reading the emails means you won't have to read is vitriolic ranting.

What a sad pathetic man that he cannot move on and be happy with his new partner...

Women's Aid are brilliant.

I’ve looked up again exactly what I need to inform him of. It’s very little and very few decisions really. I’m not going to tell him anything about DS16 as he doesn’t want to change college so I don’t have to. It feels freeing that I don’t have to.

Hi OP, I'll hope you don't mind I'm just posting so I can come back to this later. Pretty sure I can't help but I know exactly what you're going through. Your word "essay" and the appearing reasonable in text, unless you know the back ground. I'm just sorting my children and will read properly later.

@RandomMess I emailed him today setting it out. Blocked him from my other account. I felt a weight lift. I’ve been smiling all day. He immediately messaged the new account demanding who was filtering. My sister and I don’t see why we should tell him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Indeed you don't have to 😂😂😂

Thereafter referred to as "the intermediary" 😉

Oh it feels so good to be able to laugh at him after what he’s done to me!

@accessorizequeen I'm glad you are feeling better. I totally understabdcwhat you mean, I've had several people (including my ex!) Tell me that it's up to me how I let things affect me.

I get texts. Days go by with none, some days there have been 40plus. I'll get one in the morning and it fills me with dread. I feel anxious and sick, and so upset for my DC (who we much younger than yours and just don't get it).

Sometimes it's like reading the ramblings of a very unwell mind. Others hes declaring love and all I could ever want. Others, it's just abuse. I rarely respond. Yet get told I'm playing mind games , hes convinced soneone else is controlling me, pulling my strings, that this isn't really what I want.

It's exhausting. I wish I could develop an armour so it all bounced of, but the years prior to our separation have worn me down. It's almost as if they train you to react in a certain way. There's a reason for this reaction , it's years of experience.

@ImFree2doasiwant This is so sad to read. Before I blocked my ex, he behaved like this on texts. I’d blocked him a couple of times for the day before he just pushed me too far and I did it permanently and told him I was doing it. Do you feel afraid to block him because of the comeback you might get? That’s what stopped me. But he is your EX. Even though you share children, he is not part of your life anymore. He doesn’t have the right to your attention. That realisation comes in stages. It’s taken me 2 years to get to this point. How long has it been since you split?

It's almost 3 years since he moved out. We're not yet divorced, and I'm still living in the marital home. I don't want to block because I want a record of the texts. I'm going to see a solicitor next week hopefully and start the divorce.

I've been hoping he would see reason, stupid of me really.