Divorced in the most acrimonious way - and still stressed

[Bubblebu]

Is there anyone out there who is divorced in the most acrimonious way and still years and years on cannot communicate with their ex husband.

My ex husband left me 5 years ago for one of his work colleagues who he is now married to and they have a baby.

When we were married we had two children girl and boy who are now 10 and 11.

The problem is even now he is incredibly aggressive towards me on the email and if we ever speak on the phone he just RANTS at me all kinds of horrible things - and what I find most hurtful (and I think he knows it ) is when he starts saying I am a shit mother.

I find it really difficult not to take it personally and get very depressed and stressed about it.

I really am relieved we are divorced - basically I think he always emotionally abused me. But how do I toughen up and not take it personally? Today was a classic example - he and I argued most of the day on the email, he ranted and just before he came to collect our children at 5pm for his weekend I was so stressed I vomited the tiny bit of food I have eaten today. This is not the first time this has happened.

We have no physical contact and I don't feel he is a physical threat to me but he really does know how to wind me up and press my buttons. I am shaking as I type this.

It does not help that I have had breast cancer over the last 8 months and have been put into a medically induced menopause so at lot of days I feel very sick and hot flashes etc (obviously the cancer is not his fault but although I have been told that stress does not cause cancer sometimes I do wonder whether infact stress can be one factor in it).

Any tips on how to chill out and ignore his rants? many thanks

Thank you Lonny.

Even now several days later I am going over the emails he sent the evening of the leavers assembly.

I did REALLY want to go to the leavers assembly.

I watched my daughter practice her dance in the garden and was so proud.

I asked questions of her teacher about social distancing in the play ground where the assembly was to be held.

I received an email from my ex husband and his new wife the night before the assembly (thursday 16th afternoon) saying they were going to attend.

At that point I knew I would not be able to attend.

Do not under estimate how much this upset me.

That evening (thursday) after he had attended the assembly he called them (under court order) and then sent me an email saying I had refused to let my children speak to him in contravention of court order.

I did not refuse to let them speak to him.

and he had attended the assembly (both children were there) that day and I did not go.

the only ray of light here is that one teacher from the school said she would record it and send it to me (subject to the condition I do not upload to social media which I never would do).

there is no way round this - he just loves it.

What basis he tells me I am a bad mother I really do not know - he lives so far away from us and genuinely seems quite ignorant about what goes on in our children's lives

Abusers throw at you what terrifies THEM the most.

Trust me

Wanna see him shrivel? Start dropping the odd comment he makes to you back to him - as a matter of fact kind of way too, no hysteria...

But ultimately you’re getting excellent advice here, grey rock, change numbers and stop asking, start telling him what’s happening

Never ever allow him to shout at you, hang up every time.

Cut the insignificant inferior little prick off and breathe.

Thank god he’s gone!!
The kids will definitely vote with their feet. Won’t be long before they can legally decide - make sure they know you will support them in this when the time comes

Re leavers assembly, don’t ever let him do that again.

GO to the assembly and if anyone has to stay outside it’s his wife - or him- doesn’t matter to you.

The whole teaching staff would have backed you in this, you know that.

Lesson learned. It’s only a leavers assembly, there will be other things (that perhaps you’ll forget to tell him or your kids won’t remember to mention..)

I think the difficulty is OP that you are still waiting for him to have this "Road to Damascus" type epiphany where he will realise that he is being really unreasonable. If you could just explain it better or justify your actions more clearly he would understand and stop making the accusations etc.

It won't happen. This is nothing to do with you, it is all him. He is very damaged.

I hope that in time you will feel stronger about attending events that he chooses to go to. You have as much right to attend as he does, he is not in charge.

Have you considered contacting Women's Aid for some support? Have you done the Freedom Programme? I think it might be helpful for you.

In response to the leaver's assembly accusations I think i'd practice the grey rock technique.

Him - you stopped me speaking to the children, you're breaching the court order, you're a terrible mother etc.

You -
"Dear Twat,

I note you attended the leaver's assembly at the school on [date].

The children will continue to be available for you to call between 6 and 8 on Tuesday and Thursday.

Regards etc"

Be factual, don't react with any emotion. Can you try and practice writing out some responses?

I'm confused why you couldn't attend the leavers assembly.

I understand it may have been hard....I had a restraining order against my ex...but wild horses would not stop me getting to xmas concerts, class assemblies etc.

The school knew how hard it was for me and discreetly saved me a seat on every occasion - instead of queuing outside I'd breeze in and sit in my prearranged seat. Face the front and not even look where ex may be. My school mum friends would sit beside me and if needed whisper to me where he and OW (another school mum!!!) were sitting.

And I grew strong and they realised I did not give a shit about them.

It took every ounce of strength I had, but my kids needed to see my smiling face there, and I needed to know he would not win.

You can do it OP!

sandwith.

because hand on heart we have never had a face to face show down.

in fact the last time we met in person was in 2016 decree absolute Oxford.

But it is that bad.

I cannot explain and I do not want my children to witness any kind of confrontation.

They are safe on holiday in Scotland with my sister at the moment so it does not really matter I guess.

But I could never attend a school attendance when I know he is there which makes me sad (selfishly) because I do all of the child raising and if he says he is attending - well - then I am not.

You need to learn that unless he asks you a direct question you don't need to answer him.

Re his rant about you not letting him speak to the kids, was it a rant or a question? If it was a rant, as much as you might want to defend yourself, simply ignore him.

Save the email, mark down the time and date he spoke to the kids, so if it does go to court you can prove, via phone records he's talking shit. But remember, don't answer him.

If he's asked a direct question, again, don't defend, just answer him in as few words as possible. I find 'ok' answers most of my ex's emails

Next time he emails, come on here and people will advise the best way to respond unemotionally

I think he probably smacked me about when we were married.

I have always been too ashamed to admit it to myself.

Hence 6 years on.

Money does not make up for it.

and he left me for someone else.

And i did not leave him.

Says it all really.

Honestly OP I really think you need real life support. Have you considered the freedom programme?

No idea what the freedom programme is.

Is it UK based and how much does it cost?

freedomprogramme.co.uk/

This has clearly got to stop. You are giving him all the power.
Do not speak to him on the phone, emails or text only.
Do not respond if he becomes aggressive or argumentative in either, take back control.
He is clearly not a happy man at all.

My son,

Aged about 3

One year after he got me to take him to Christchurch Oxford entrance exam,

My son sang a carol and passed.

My ex husband clearly had no expection his son was going to attend but he still made us do this,

How do i get over that?

Hello, @Bubblebu - sorry to appear on your thread but we've sent you a mail and we're not sure you've seen it.

We've removed a couple of posts from your thread because they contained pictures that were potentially identifying a child. It's not a good idea to post identifying photos on Mumsnet, given how many people are likely see them.

Hope that makes sense but do please drop us a line directly on [email protected] if you'd like to have a chat about this.

I feel for you OP, I have a very similar ex. Ended up in therapy because of him. Reach out to me if you ever feel like you're struggling and we can sort each other out lol and give our heads a wobble!

The advice on here as helped me too, never heard of the grey rock thing.

I'd advise only deal with him by text or email, phone calls if they are going to stress you out , you can try and cut them unless you really need to.

I find I'm braver writing an email to him then I am in person or on the phone.

Speak to your landline provider & ask how to stop caller withheld calls, once this is in place if he moans, "sorry must be the phone company" do the same for your mobile, you can find it in phone settings. Do as everyone else has said with emails & texts. Take back control & other than things about the children, don't communicate with him, when my exh rings, I just leave him droning on & do something else, just make appropriate noises when I have to, I normally read a magazine or play a game on my phone. It won't be much longer before your kids can make their own minds up, once they are both 11 or 12 they are old enough to choose if they go or not. Judging by what you have said about his new relationship, I can't see it lasting very long, he will be running around every weekend collecting your kids & his baby from his other half, he won't have time to blink never mind kick off at you.

sorry i did not mean to breach mumsnet chat rules by posting those pictures - thank you for taking them down.

Hi OP. I'm sorry that everything is so hard for you and your ex is a bellend. And you're ill too. That's so tough for you, you do sound very worn down.

I've got my own thread going about how my own children don't want to go to their dads every other weekend. But your ex's emails sound rather chilling and I can see why you feel anxious about them. It's like he's an alpha male taunting you.

Is there a way you can try and discredit his words and opinions in your own mind? My ex tells me I am a bad parent but whilst I'm not perfect (who is!) I'm being the parent I want to be and have a really nice relationship with my children. He cannot hurt me in that regard. Is there a way when he says something you can try and roll your eyes at it and say "typical idiot ex" to yourself rather than letting it get to you? The reason I'm suggesting it is that there is no way he will change so it's up to you not to give him power and headspace.

I'm sorry it's so hard. I do feel sorry for our children, having to experience divorcing parents.

I hope you have good friends and family around you who boost you up.

On a separate matter; my father (who left my mother - a wonderful (not perfect but still wonderful mother) - arrived un announced last night.

I never see him and never contact him (other than him contacting me).

He stayed the night; I cooked him dinner and made him a cooked breakfast this morning. I took him a cup of tea at 8am when I made mine.

We had a row about various stuff (NHS; his multiple trips abroad mainly to Spain... why can my children not come???; and other stuff).

He listened to my woes about ex husband (he also hit my mother hence 7 year separation - when he returned my mother was already on the decline).

Then he took me shopping to Sainsburys - and he paid - and he wore a mask as I did - something I never thought he would do.

All of the above seems irrelevant so sorry to bore you - but I guess herein lies the problem - my mother was kicked about - and now I am.

And I hate my father - but still feel the need to honour him.

This is all a bit too deep. Apologies.

I will now go and put clean sheets on my daughters bed.
thanks for all posts. xx