Divorced in the most acrimonious way - and still stressed

[Bubblebu]

Is there anyone out there who is divorced in the most acrimonious way and still years and years on cannot communicate with their ex husband.

My ex husband left me 5 years ago for one of his work colleagues who he is now married to and they have a baby.

When we were married we had two children girl and boy who are now 10 and 11.

The problem is even now he is incredibly aggressive towards me on the email and if we ever speak on the phone he just RANTS at me all kinds of horrible things - and what I find most hurtful (and I think he knows it ) is when he starts saying I am a shit mother.

I find it really difficult not to take it personally and get very depressed and stressed about it.

I really am relieved we are divorced - basically I think he always emotionally abused me. But how do I toughen up and not take it personally? Today was a classic example - he and I argued most of the day on the email, he ranted and just before he came to collect our children at 5pm for his weekend I was so stressed I vomited the tiny bit of food I have eaten today. This is not the first time this has happened.

We have no physical contact and I don't feel he is a physical threat to me but he really does know how to wind me up and press my buttons. I am shaking as I type this.

It does not help that I have had breast cancer over the last 8 months and have been put into a medically induced menopause so at lot of days I feel very sick and hot flashes etc (obviously the cancer is not his fault but although I have been told that stress does not cause cancer sometimes I do wonder whether infact stress can be one factor in it).

Any tips on how to chill out and ignore his rants? many thanks

To second Frazzled - keep all the emails - don't read them and file them away but they may come in useful if you end up in court - my witness statement included all of the awful text messages and emails - a lot of them were read out by my barrister in court and led to the judge locking down some rules for communication (not that he follows them).

Also get someone else to read them if you can - again I did that and it helped my sanity massively.

Finally I did get the police involved who said that if it continued they would go round and give him a warning

I'd change your landline number and your mobile numbers. Buy a cheap mobile and give him the details - and other than Tuesdays and Thursdays it can be switched off and live in a drawer.

Change your email address and give twat a specific address to write to.

Stop asking his permission - only engage when absolutely necessary. If he emails a rant to you about being a shit mother - ignore it. If he emails a rant with a question in it, then respond to the question. E.g. you're a shit mother and I want to know why Johnny hasn't been entered for the 11+. Reply and say: The 11+ decision was recommended by the school, suggest you discuss with the HT.

Your tactic is to only engage with him when absolutely necessary and offer him the bare minimum of information when you do. I understand your DD being concerned about her period starting whilst she's there. You reassure her with talking her through what to do so she's prepared, and you don't engage with him on it because it's pointless to do so.

Grey rock means making yourself as dull and factual and uninteresting as possible. It will take time, but if he cannot provoke a reaction from you then one of two things will happen - either he'll get bored and give up, or you'll become so comfortable with grey rocking him that his nasty tantrums will no longer affect you because they will just become white noise.

thank you lorry i am so grateful to you
might PM you sometime if its ok (not urgent - after 5 years you would think i would have learnt but he is still at it and I am still responding sometimes!)

OP you are welcome to PM me anytime, honestly I have been through this shit for 4 years myself and have had to put many strategies in place to protect myself - I promise you it can be done :)

literally yesterday was leavers assembly which I would have LOVED to attended.

I did not attend.

here is the message (not redacted - maybe an error of mine) I received by email overnight

8.38pm

It is a shame that your jealousy about us attending [name redacted]'s performance today resulted in you preventing them from speaking to me tonight. In direct contradiction of your previous emails stating that you never prevent contact between them and me. You hurt only them, not me by doing it. Poor children.

7.34pm head line - breach of court order

[name redacted]

Thu, Jul 16, 7:43 PM (12 hours ago)

to me

I called tonight to speak with the children and you answered and refused to let me do so.

• [Message from MNHQ: we've removed the names]

I am off to Scotland inverness to see my sister so will not bother you more.

but even over night and even 5 years later this : ( why ??? what is the point?) so untrue

[name]

Thu, Jul 16, 7:43 PM (12 hours ago)

to me

I called tonight to speak with the children and you answered and refused to let me do so.

Get Outlook for Android

And

[redacted]

Thu, Jul 16, 8:38 PM (12 hours ago)

to me

It is a shame that your jealousy about us attending [daughter] performance today resulted in you preventing them from speaking to me tonight. In direct contradiction of your previous emails stating that you never prevent contact between them and me. You hurt only them, not me by doing it. Poor children.

I literally did not attend

I just made dinner for kids.

I have cancer>

This is so strange to me.

You’ve left his name on one of the posts.

What actually happened?

I’d wait a bit then respond with facts.

Hi Fuckface

Thank you for your email dated 15/07/2020.

On x/x/xxx date you told me (by phone or if he emailed better attached the email) that I could not attend xxxx (child’s name) leavers assembly as you wanted to attend.

Therefore I duly did not attend.

With regards phone calls. Although previously you have been calling randomly as you choose and spending a lot of time verbally abusing me on the phone,
I have had a look at the court order dated xx/xx/xxxx, your phone calls to the children are scheduled for every whateverday at xxpm.
Yesterday being Thursday was not the day.

From henceforth the phone will be switched on as per the court order on whateverdays at xxpm and the children will be available to take your phone calls then.

Regards,
Bubblebu

Disengage
He can’t argue by email if you don’t reply
Don’t answer the phone to him
If he’s looking for a fight, don’t respond. By not responding you give this big message that you don’t care, he then doesn’t get his kicks as you won’t play his game as you don’t care

It works

Was here phone calls from his yesterday?

I’d reply only to correct him so he can’t use this email to ‘prove’ you’re refusing contacts with the dc as per the court order.

Actually I’d add in to the line beginning with regards phone calls, there were no phone calls from you on xx/xx/xxxx.

He sounds unhinged.

Or maybe Ivykaty is right.

I’d feel compelled to respond to this accusation of you barring him from going to the assembly.

Keep everything in writing and keep all is emails. It shows the courts how abusive he is.

If your children are invited to a party on his weekend a you tell them to ask daddy - end of, nothing to do with you

If Dd is worried about periods then make sure she always has ST in bag and tell her to leave some at ex place if possible

Enable the children to manage their own relationship with their father and don’t get involved

I’d feel compelled to respond to this accusation of you barring him from going to the assembly.

As long as you know what you did, it doesn’t matter what he thinks, he’s an ex so his opinion isn’t important

OP are you sure you weren't actually married to my exh!!!! I can mirror his emails word for word practically from my ex. And I had to sit next to him and OW at the leavers assembly yesterday which was pretty painful.

I beg you DO NOT RESPOND - he is not interested in your reply, he couldn't care less, he just wants to know that he has upset you and therefore still has control over your life. Don't take the bait and don't give him the satisfaction. You just need to find a way to live without thinking you have to justify everything to him - he is NOTHING to you so just ignore this bully

Are you married to my ex???

Do not respond.....no point...judges will not be interested in this pettiness.
Ignore. Hes baiting you.

PM if you need.

5th court case today for me...sisterhood United x

Here are some top tips from the world of dealing with difficult people.
Keep it simple, factual and short. There have been some excellent examples of emails here already.
Only email. It is evidence.
The person who is getting off on the manipulation, abuse, emotional jollies will argue. You then employ the broken record technique
-DS has a party on Sunday. He wants to go. Here are the details.
-excuse blather, excuse
-DS has a party on Sunday. he wants to go. Here are the details
-range, projection, anger, insults,
-DS has a party on Sunday etc

It is not your job to placate the ex or manage his rage. You do not have to carry this. You cannot protect your children from the fact that their father is an angry man. They see this already. When they are old enough they can go no contact but until then you make their time with you sensible and boundaried.

I know all this stuff and yet have found shadow projection one of the hardest things in divorce. If the ex cannot face his own anger and faults they have to belong to someone else and that is you. He won't stop doing it but you can refuse to let it stick. It takes work and if you can get counselling or therapy it does help.

Good luck.

thanks mostly

your post is really helpful to me and everything you say feels wise and correct (as do most of the replies people have kindly given)

if I was looking at myself in the mirror with honesty I think I will only crack this one when I:

• no longer feel a sense of occasional injustice that it is me alone here with my gorgeous children for 12 out of every 14 days doing the grift and the hard work of raising them yet my ex just announces 24 hours before for example school events that it will be he (and my implication NOT me) attending the "leavers assembly" or the "School play" etc. Everyone in the village knows how acrimious our divorce was and although there are have been no face to face slanging matches I can recall, I sincerely believe the teachers at the school would quake in their boots if I turned up to one of these events when he was already there for fear of a show down;

• I really very adverse to confrontation so I wimp it out (and then have a fit of the self pities for a few minutes especially when he follows it up with an email saying "you are just jealous you couldn't attend the leavers assembly but I did" etc

• I still find it hard to emotionally detach myself from what my kids go through especially if they are upset and saying "do we HAVE to go to Daddys?" - the answer being "yes" but then I think am I being a wimp here? Why can I not stand up to him??

• this last confession is kinda vanity on my part - there are some mum friends in the village who I would just cringe to say "would it be ok to pass on your mobile number to my ex so you can communicate about the birthday party directly with him?" - in most cases they probably would not mind but it is a tacit admission of our appallingly bad communication as a divorced couple and I also think "why the fuck should third parties have to get involved in this anyway? how embarrassing".

I am sure the above sounds all very neurotic and anal but it is where I am at at the moment - hope to mature and toughen up vis my exHusband as per this thread.

Surely your dc are of an age where they can tell their Dad they have a party to attend in the next couple of weeks ? It then becomes his responsibility to get them there / collect.
It also becomes something between them and not you so therefore not an opportunity for an argument.

yes

except when the party invite comes less than 3 days before the party from one of my best friends in the village and then I get the ranting messages "don't leave these things so late, you can keep DS for that weekend and get him to the party yourself I am not inconveniencing myself to do that" etc

he lives more than an hour away and has no clue where I am (maybe too much) invested in where my kids and I live in terms of friendships etc

You don't have to standup to him. You have to detach. He is getting off on the attention you are giving him and it is taking up headspace you need for you, your children and your health. If you know that time scales are an issue then in the original email it say Ds has been invited to a party at short notice. He wants to go. This is the host's number. Do not engage with the nonsense as he is getting his rocks off on it. Have a file on your computer where you just put the emails where he is abusive. Evidence.

It isn't easy to do if you have a habit of enabling others which is why it really helps to have a counsellor or therapist in your corner and make sure you get one with experience of abusive relationships.

mostly

you talk a lot of sense

except when the party invite comes less than 3 days before the party from one of my best friends in the village and then I get the ranting messages "don't leave these things so late, you can keep DS for that weekend and get him to the party yourself I am not inconveniencing myself to do that" etc

In response to that I'd say ok and put down the phone, assuming he'll not have them.

@VictoriaBun

except when the party invite comes less than 3 days before the party from one of my best friends in the village and then I get the ranting messages "don't leave these things so late, you can keep DS for that weekend and get him to the party yourself I am not inconveniencing myself to do that" etc

In response to that I'd say ok and put down the phone, assuming he'll not have them.

And SAVE that message for when he tries to use his own instructions to you against you at a later date...

Why didn't you go to the leavers' assembly? He's not your boss, he can't tell you what to do I. If he had kicked off then the HT would have handled it. You don't need to communicate with him but you do need to set boundaries.