Divorced in the most acrimonious way - and still stressed

[Bubblebu]

Is there anyone out there who is divorced in the most acrimonious way and still years and years on cannot communicate with their ex husband.

My ex husband left me 5 years ago for one of his work colleagues who he is now married to and they have a baby.

When we were married we had two children girl and boy who are now 10 and 11.

The problem is even now he is incredibly aggressive towards me on the email and if we ever speak on the phone he just RANTS at me all kinds of horrible things - and what I find most hurtful (and I think he knows it ) is when he starts saying I am a shit mother.

I find it really difficult not to take it personally and get very depressed and stressed about it.

I really am relieved we are divorced - basically I think he always emotionally abused me. But how do I toughen up and not take it personally? Today was a classic example - he and I argued most of the day on the email, he ranted and just before he came to collect our children at 5pm for his weekend I was so stressed I vomited the tiny bit of food I have eaten today. This is not the first time this has happened.

We have no physical contact and I don't feel he is a physical threat to me but he really does know how to wind me up and press my buttons. I am shaking as I type this.

It does not help that I have had breast cancer over the last 8 months and have been put into a medically induced menopause so at lot of days I feel very sick and hot flashes etc (obviously the cancer is not his fault but although I have been told that stress does not cause cancer sometimes I do wonder whether infact stress can be one factor in it).

Any tips on how to chill out and ignore his rants? many thanks

Grey rock everytime. Ignore all insults as if you couldn't give a damn.
My ex still tries to hassle me after 30 years. My son is grown up so he doesn't have my address but he is still whingeing on social media that I ruined his life.
I totally ignore him and couldn't care less what he thinks or says. he is irrelevant to me and my life.

@LonginesPrime I've had similar experiences with exdp when he does odd things with (one of) my children and I've found myself trying to reassure her that yes, he really does love her, etc. Recently though, I've been wondering why. It seems kind but I'm wondering if what I should be doing is listening to her feelings and not commenting either way. Otherwise she is going to feel like her instinct and feelings are off the mark and not to be trusted.They are not groundless in fact. It's a fine balance....

Whatthe - thanks. I hadn't thought of that. maybe that is right...

Longines - yes. I also find myself telling my two that their Dad does love them even if they don't feel it. I also find myself saying a lot "It's not your fault". I hope that is an ok thing to say - it is mainly in response to their emotional reaction to things when they get home from his weekends. I might find myself saying it at 5pm when they get back here tonight....

He sounds like a terrible father who sees his children as possessions and uses them and access to hurt you. They are at an age where the courts will take into account their feelings if they no longer want to see him as frequently as it stops them doing things they want to do in their home town

@Bubblebu you don't have to enable his behaviour. Treat communication as business transactions. All communication via email, set up a new email address, folder or whatever works for you, decide on a time you will do co-parenting admin and stick to it.

No more phone calls between you both, on the weekends they are with him let any calls go to voicemail or answer phone. Caller ID is essential.

DC can answer the phone when he calls (if they want to). They can also tell him of any party invites etc themselves. Let him agree or refuse, you don't have to take responsibility.

Don't bad mouth their F but equally don't big him up or make excuses for him.

Keep practising the grey rock and break his power over you. Good luck and to keep you going.

OP- I have been through similar in terms of a vicious acrimonious divorce, and what I came to realise is that ex-h was behaving like my children sometimes do- shouting and getting angry with me because it’s easier than dealing with his own guilt and poor behaviour.

I know it’s not easy, but I came to a point where I made a conscious decision that ex-h’s behaviour wasn’t going to determine mine any longer. He could shout, bully and bluster all he wanted, but ultimately it was just words which I could choose to ignore. Most important, I didn’t have to reply to every slight or barb, and could ignore emails and messages if I wanted to. I know it’s really hard, but I’d say it’s time for you to take back control of your life- not through confrontation but the quiet knowledge that he can’t hurt you.

His actions might have short term effects, eg making your daughter sit the exam, but rather than getting drawn in, you can respond with a dismissive “how silly- you don’t live there and you aren’t going to that school. What a waste of everyone’s time”. Show the children that your life, your emotions aren’t all dictated by him- otherwise he will continue to seem like an all-powerful being to them, who can’t be challenged.

My gut instinct on the 11+ is that he did it so that if she passed he could throw it in your face that you were wrong. I doubt he had any intention at all that she would actually attend school near him, it would just be a stick to beat you with.

Thanks Artesia. You are so right.

The real irony to me is that when I attended that multi party school meeting with him and the headmistress I myself was thinking "I would LOVE my daughter to pass the 11+ and go to a grammar school" although I did not say it in those emotional terms during the meeting but I did say I would like her at that stage (she was 9 or 10 at that point) to have a chance.

But ultimately as a mum I also thought most of all I want her to go to the school that is right for her and be happy and I watched close hand as the headmistress reported back to both of us in the interim period saying her exam marks indicated she would not pass, and listened to my daughter every night telling me her schooling preferences.

My son (or rather me as his mum) only yesterday in the post received the local council education head grammar school preparation paper.

My son aged 10 already has some degree of anger issues and attends a nurture group at school for it and although his teacher has reported to me he is basically well behaved in school she has already said to me that on current trajectory he will not pass the 11+ either.

I am dreading that process ref my ex this time next year.

Sunshine - you might be right.

He has never told me whether she passed or not (I did not know she was being entered)...

I think if she passed you would know about it! No way he'd let that opportunity to prove you wrong pass!

He won't tell that she failed because that confirms that you were right and he won't want to do that.

He sounds like a horrible person. I left my ex 17 years ago and I still feel like this about him. Thankfully I no longer have any contact with him since DD is now an 'adult' but he clouded a large part of my life and left me with severe anxiety. I felt I could never win an argument with him. He called me all sorts of things but if I said anything bad it was proof I was a bad person.

My DD is visiting him this weekend (we now live 200 miles away) and she has been texting me saying she's home sick, she hates his household, she's got horrible anxiety being there. I feel sad for her.

You've had some great advice OP. Definitely don't ever ask his opinion or permission on anything again. Tell him!

Parties: dear twat, DD has a party on x day at x time. Here is party child's parents number.

Periods: Dear twat, DD has her period and is feeling unwell so won't be visiting this weekend.

With school issues - just get the teacher or head teacher to speak to him direct. They know how to deal with grad A twats like him.

Continue to support your children to deal with the process of realising their dad is a twat.

I have never bad mouthed my ex, but have been there for my DD when she has cried/ been angry/ disappointed with her Dad.

As much as every maternal instinct screams at you to step in, don't. Just allow them to vent. Let them talk about how unfair it is that they have a shit dad and most importantly acknowledge they are right about him. By pretending his behaviour is ok gives the wrong message. Agree with them that he is wrong.

When DD rants I agree with her and say 'that's what he's like' or 'you know what he's like' - letting her know I hear her and confirm she is right about his shitty behaviour.

Help them learn his behaviour is not the norm so they can spot it in future relationships.

You're doing a great job in awful circumstances. So sorry you're dealing with this on top of dealing with your own health issues.

Draw a line in the sand. What's done is done. Reset your boundaries and move on.

ittoo - thanks for your email - you are so wise.

your post made me giggle a bit....

I agree with everything ittoo said.

Sending you a virtual hug. I am currently divorcing one of these, and I have learned pretty quickly to never ask for his help with anything, as I think it gives him too much pleasure to refuse me. Currently downsizing with my 3 kids to a rented flat with no outdoor space for the kids from an owned semi with a nice yard as, despite his public declarations of the children always coming first, he has decided he has to have his equity and there is no other solution than to sell the house. Selfish fuck.There is no rational discussion and no empathy to appeal to. These days I take the greatest pleasure in perfecting the 'grey rock' technique and starving him of the narcissism oxygen he so desperately needs to feel good about himself. What a miserable, pitiful existence.

On a separate note I don't know how to turn off my landline - I have tried unplugging it once or twice but it still seems to ring. Weird.
If you have a digital landline try removing the batteries from the handset OP. On mine I just slide the battery compartment off to remove/replace the batteries when needed. If you have more than one handset you'll probably need to do that for each of them.

And yes, you'll probably need to change your mobile number again and not tell him what it is. I think also in the mobile phone settings you should have the option of NOT showing your number, so take a look at that option. If you can't find it in your phone and/or you don't have the manual then either google it or ask someone tech savvy (not your children).

OP I could have written your post, right down to having the same illness. Same story, exh left me for a friend, a local mum and has been an absolute nightmare ever since (anyone would think I did the dirty on him the way he behaves). I used to engage with his angry ranting emails to defend myself and justify whatever nonsense he was accusing me of but I've stopped all of that now. We have mostly zero contact and I just don't respond. I've been physically sick in the past opening emails or texts from him but after some EMDR therapy (I'd highly recommend - absolute game changer for me), I have been able to open them, read whatever BS he is ranting then close it again without bothering to respond.

My exh has NPD and I find it easier to think of him as mad - and you can't argue with a madman

Block him on your phone and don't respond to his emails - he loves the fight and the control so you have to learn to give him neither

I'm in a similar situation. Previously all dialogue turned into him shouting at me and me having to hang up the phone (which of course proved I was the unreasonable horrible one, for daring to hang up). All attempts at reasonable communication regarding DD were twisted into him ranting at me about my various failings. I would deal with this by refusing to discuss anything other than DD and terminating the call as soon as he started shouting/ranting.

DD is only 4 so I have years of having to communicate with him ahead. He has now taken a new approach where he just tells me when he is picking DD up and gives me no scope to discuss. He drops bombshells about changing his hours and his days at work to accommodate time with her, but when I email to ask to discuss his plans he ignores me. I have a full time job myself to organise, and he will entertain no discussion.

He will only communicate with me during pick ups and drop off's, which I don't think is appropriate as it's all in front of DD. He has form for crying and begging for more time with her (he has her 3 nights a week) whilst she is in his arms and I tell him let's talk about it as adults on the phone when she isn't present. Then he will ignore my emails and texts to arrange a time to speak. We haven't been to court. Seems inevitable we will.

OP, get yourself a new mobile number, use the old one exclusively for when the ex calls your DC.
Did the court order state which days he would call and what time? If so switch off the phone and only turn it on ten minutes before his phonecall is due, and hand the phone to the children when he calls. If you only know the day he is supposed to call have the phone on that day only.

Don't take any phone calls from him, if you accidentally do, hang the fuck up.

Does your land line ring if you completely disconnect it? Does it have batteries?

With regards communications regarding your children, set up an email account exclusively for sending emails about your DC to your ex.

Email him about your DC's social events, appointments and communication, and always as PP said, put the ball in his court. eg, Hi fuckface, DC has been invited to party details as follows, as it's on your weekend please RSVP.
I would also follow up this by telling the parent the truth, that it's on ex's weekend and you've forwarded the invite to him and he should be letting her know. Tell the parents he won't engage with you if you ask, so fingers crossed DC can attend the party as he was utterly thrilled to receive an invite.

My DC's friends all knew about ex and his behaviour, many even held parties specifically on our weekends to reduce the stress for us. God bless their kindness.

As for your DC, I wouldn't even bother with dad loves you, be honest, I have no idea, I love you guys so much we will work through it best we can.

My DC told CAFCASS in no uncertain terms how awful they were treated by their father and stopped having direct contact aged 11 and 9.

Point is don't be available for him to be abusive to you, remove yourself form the equation. Don't listen to him or engage with him at all. No doubt he will attempt to enrol your DS in the 11 plus as he did your DD, let him get on with it. Make your home an oasis of clam and happiness. He's a fuckwit don't let him have the influence to make your home miserable any longer.

@bubblebu
Same position here...multiple court hearings, nightmare ex.
Grey rock all the way.
Changed my home number and now ex-directory. Blocked from my mobile...kids have their own mobile phone that goes between the houses for the other parent to call. Our signal also shite but tough...the phone is on tues/thurs and the children call at the correct time.
Everything else is email only as per order of the court.
If you can face another court application then a prohibited steps order may help you....if not simply change your home phone and do not be tempted to give your no. When he complains re signal say oh the kids will call you at x time....
Do not speak to him...your kids are big enough to say bye and get in his car.

thank you so much for all of your replies (and where you are in a similar position thank you also for posting, it is a kind of comfort to know it is not just me...)

I have struggled with his emails since he left 5 years ago - not least because I do not know whether to save them (for legal purposes) because they are really nasty, or on some days I just go "delete" because they are so horrible and I do not have the energy to even hardly scan my eyes over them.

sandwith

thanks for your email.
I clearly recall after the child court order was sealed it said he could phone our children between x and y hours on tues and thurs.

He used to send me multiple very very aggressive emails if he could not get them at any given time (2 hour window) on the above court order stated times.

For example if we were in the car (traffic) or if one of the children had been invited on a play date (I had my phone but maybe they were in the garden) at 6.15pm and he phoned and I did not pick up to put them on quick enough he went ballistic. If he tried to phone again later during that time window and we managed to pick up he would still rant at me first that it was his right to speak to them any time he liked during that time window.

They were 4 and 5 years old.

And yes, I reacted to it every single time. Still do sometimes. (hence thread)

Lorry
sorry about illness (for me it has been a nightmare) hope you are on the recovery road
xx

OP the biggest thing I learnt was not to react as that is what he is looking for. Just give him nothing back, don't engage in a fight. I know it's easier said than done as these characters suck you in and you feel you have to defend yourself but honestly, you don't.

I had breast cancer diagnosed a year into my hideous divorce and within 1 month he'd issued me with a court summons over child arrangements - he just didn't care, in fact I think it ramped up his aggression towards me

OP PM me if you want to - I am a font of all knowledge when dealing with these assholes :)

Do you have a close friend who can scan your emails for you?

I had a completely separate email address set up with regards contact with twatface.

Change your everyday email address to something else and let ex email you in the one he always does.

Do not delete any emails, you can use the nasty ones against him if it ends up back in court.

You really have to work out a way to detach yourself from him. Let him send vicious email, just have the phone on ten minutes before his phone calls are meant to happen and keep phones on till ten minutes after and then switch off the phones. So what if he gets angry and rants and raves, not your problem.

Either get a friend to read your emails once a week and pass details on that are important, and file the nasty ones away under a separate folder labelled nasty rants so you don't accidentally come across them.
If you don't have anyone to do it, then go thro emails once a week yourself, do quick scans of emails and file the vitriolic ones away form the inbox so you don't have to read them and keep seeing them. But they're there for evidence if needed.

OP have you spoken to women's aid? I think you should, you are still being subject to pretty severe domestic abuse by your ex, they may be able to help you.
You need real life support as well given what you are currently going through with regards your health. I was seriously ill too during my divorce and I honestly think the stress from twatface repeatedly dragging me to court and upsetting my children triggered the severity of my illness.

Speak to rights of women also they offer free legal advice to women in your siutation.