We don't agree on childcare split. Unsure of the next stage of the process.

[dontrecycle]

Hi
I'm seeking clarity on what to next. We don't agree on the childcare split. Not had mediation but no amount of mediation will help I don't think as we have such different expectations.
Can someone explain the next stage of the process to me?
If I 'apply to Court' is it the same court hearing that decides the split of the finances as well as the split of childcare?

Where are you in your divorce? What are the current arrangements, how old are kid(s) and what do you both want?

Made first application to court. Exchanged form e.
Just waiting for his business to be valued.

He wants 50:50 but in the past has done 20% at the most. Doesn't do homework or school reading etc

Kids are 6 and 9.

Thank you for replying.

Sorry - I was swamped. The courts will place the children at the heart of any decision. It’s not unusual for one parent to have had the lions share of the children in any marriage but they will be keen on them having their dad in their life in some shape or form. Albeit difficult, can you separate yourself from the situation between him and you to try to make a decision based on what makes financial and childcare sense for the children?

I know that’s hard and luckily my own ex husband was only interested in the money side and never asked for the children during the divorce and his mum had to tell him to buck up his ideas before he even agreed to have them over holidays, so she could have them.

Just to add - the finances will need to be split according to who has the children as well. So you’ll need money out of the house if you are going to be housing them most of the time etc

What is your proposal?

I am not a lawyer but I've seen a lot of people go through divorce. In the absence of safeguarding concerns, dads often get alternate weekends plus one weeknight a week during term time, and 50% of all school holidays. If he can do Friday school pickup and Monday school drop off he may end up with 5 nights a fortnight during term time plus half of holidays - which works out to about 40% of the time. Talk to your solicitor, but you may need to change your expectations. Even if he doesn't get 50%, he may well get more than 20% if he wants it.

I would advise finding a good mediator. Then you can both work through what will work best for the kids and what is practicable for you both. If it goes to court, the fact that he did not do much before will not really be relevant if he wants to step up to 50 per cent now. The financial side is entirely separate - the family courts do not get involved in that.

To be clear then. If we don't agree on childcare we go to family court? If we don't agree on finances is that a different court?

Thanks for the replies.

He wants 50/50. I want 70/30.

Even if I get 70/30 I'd assumed that the finances would be split 50/50 with maintenance paid for the days they were with me. Am I wrong? X

Finances will depend on things such as earning potential, ability to provide the children with equitable homes etc.

You need a shit hot lawyer that has been recommend as good at getting what their client is entitled to...

50:50 DC split is likely to mean 50:50 finances split and zero maintenance, I think your ex has had advice...

Just because he’s done less than you re child care etc doesn’t mean he can’t going forward
We set up practices based on what works as a unit - when that unit changes do does the dynamic

You red to think about what 50:50 could look like, is it achievable, can it work and importantly is it right fir the children

He has never done any homework with them ever (homework and reading books prove this). If he has them then he takes them into work with him (self employed) and they watch tv.
He done no childcare for the first 6 weeks of lockdown but is now doing some. Maybe 3 days every 2 weeks. Will this count?

Jeez I put my career on hold ten years ago to support his fucking business. All my peers are now 'head of' or 'directors'. What a waste.

He pays himself 8k per year and then pays himself dividends.

Shit hot lawyer is furloughed

Another cynical one here who thinks hes saying 50/50 to get out of paying maintenance. I'd contest it and try for more if that's what you want and what you think is best for the kids.

Definitely get a good lawyer OP. You sound like you're under selling yourself. It should be taken into account that you put your career on hold so he could focus on his.

You have to do mediation before you can go to court, the only exception would be if there was abuse.
You don't have to waste lots of time and money on mediation if it's not going to go anywhere but you do have to at least try.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements/

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/mediation-to-help-you-separate/

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/family-mediation/

He wants 50:50 but in the past has done 20% at the most

Does he want 50:50 because he's been told this means he won't have to pay child maintenance?

I'd be suspicious ...

But why not let him do 50/50 on a trial basis now - hold him to it?

The kids suffer if he does 50/50 now. No reading or home education etc

Trying to reign to everyone. If we do t agree on childcare and finance do I have to go to the family court for the kids then another court for the finances? So two different courts?

*reply

Definitely 50/50 to get out of paying. My ex is the same. Then expects his new bird to do the work because he’s in “important meetings”.

PS - stop knocking yourself for where you are now and don’t compare yourself to others and where they are in their careers. You’re enough and you’re doing well so this is only going to make you feel bad. You can’t do anything about it so you’ll have to change the way you feel about it and trust me, the people you compare to might have other issues you know nothing about. Chin up xx

So if we go to mediation and don't agree then I have to have two court hearings? The family court and another one for the finances? X

Not sure. We didn’t have a dispute over the kids so didn’t have any proceedings around that but they were very much at the heart of the court rulings around who got what and the financial settlement was based on the children living with me for the bulk of the time.

@dontrecycle If you can't agree on how you both spend time with the children, you need court proceedings to resolve that.

If you can't agree on how to deal with the finances, that's a separate court process. Financial proceedings are crippling expensive in most cases, so you need to factor in legal costs for both parties (as they deplete the total asset pot) before deciding whether court is a good idea. I know someone who went to court, spent £25k on solicitors' fees just to get to the first hearing, then ended up settling for a deal just £7k better than she'd been offered in mediation. (This was a medium net worth case.) So overall she was £18k worse off for having gone to court. That sort of thing happens a lot.