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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Different retirement ages following divorce?

61 replies

coronabeer · 28/02/2020 21:58

Going through the divorce process.

Aged 50. 25 year marriage, 2 children aged 14 and 16. I have been a sahm since the oldest one was born and dh has always discouraged me from finding a job (well, he's changed his tune now!). I had quite a well-paid job when dd1 was born (£40k per year).
Dh is slightly older (52) and plans to retire at 55. He has a big pension pot - almost £1million. He is telling me that I need to get a job - any job - and work until state retirement age.

I have googled, but can't find any similar cases. Bearing in mind that I am unlikely to earn much more than minimum wage, would it be accepted that dh retire in 3 years with a pension of £30k plus, whilst I work for the next 17 years and earn maybe £20k per year? And I would be responsible for the children because there's no way they would live with him.
I know some people might think I'm being lazy, but it's not about that. Dh's salary has always been somewhat reduced because he's been squirrelling so much away into his pension. As I result, I have always had to live pretty frugally, whilst dh has spent whatever he wants and blamed me for over-spending. For example, I own a single coat (from Millets!) whilst dh has a wardrobe full of designer gear. But he still says I spend too much on myself. Tbh, I don't mind the idea of having a job in itself, I just wondered if a court would be likely to deem it fair that I retire so much later than dh, and live on so much less than him in the meantime?

OP posts:
Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:02

And, for clarity, my main question is about the actual retirement age. The rest is mostly background, although all opinions are welcome. I mostly put the background stuff in for context and to try to avoid accusations of laziness. It's not so much about getting a job in itself as it is about the fairness or not of the situation and how it would likely be viewed (by a judge, I guess).
Thanks.

OP posts:
LangSpartacusCleg · 28/02/2020 22:02
  1. Find a solicitor

Any advice you get on here will be from random son the internet.

However, I would be absolutely shocked if you did not get at least 50% of his pension and at least 50% of the other assets.

Remember that your DH is no longer ‘on your side’. He can say whatever he wants but you need to take it with a pinch of salt and seek professional advice.

  1. Find that solicitor NOW
Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:21

I'm not sure that dh was ever really "on my side", but that's another story.

I appreciate what you say about randoms on the internet, but sometimes people have come across a similar situation or they can point you at some information source elsewhere.

I have seen a solicitor, but the retirement stuff is something he has just thrown at me. And no doubt he'll be popping round for a little "chat" this weekend to pressurise me to agree. (He has moved out, but still has a key so lets himself in whenever he feels like it).

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 28/02/2020 22:24

You would be entitled to a huge chunk of his pension, you'd then be able to invest it how you like and draw on it from 55 if you wish.

thequeenbeyondthewall · 28/02/2020 22:27

Do not get any job until you have taken legal advise.

It will be used against you/taken into account when you settle financial terms. Of course he wants you to get a job. Don't. Not yet anyway.

Purplewithred · 28/02/2020 22:28

As above - pensions are a marital asset regardless of whose name they are in. The value of the pension will go in the bargaining pot. What age you retire at will be your own choice and nothing to do with each other.

HollowTalk · 28/02/2020 22:30

I would lose your keys and get new ones, for a start.

Don't discuss it with him - that's what you pay the lawyers for.

Did you pay your NI stamp while you weren't working? You must make sure that's up to date. You can check that online, I think.

HeddaGarbled · 28/02/2020 22:31

His pension is a marital asset and goes into the pot to be divvied up between you.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/02/2020 22:35

I don't know if this is news to you but you are under no obligation to talk to him

Ever again Thanks

You control all your time, be out when he comes round. Deal only through solicitors. I would be very surprised if you didn't get half his pension.

Hopefulhen · 28/02/2020 22:43

I can only comment based on what I’ve seen personally, I am not a lawyer.
Neither of you are likely to be able to retire at 55 because the pension will be split. The fact that the money has been squirrelled away into a pension is in your favour because it is harder to hide. What other assets do you have an how is your ex proposing you split them?

Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:45

Thanks everyone.

When I see what I have written, I wonder why on earth I ever put up with him. He's not even a looker!

You start off the process, trying to find a solution that is as fair as it can be to both parties. And then the other person shows their true colours and you realise they are trying to rip you off in so many ways... I mean, it's not just the pension, it's so many things, some of which are so petty it's unreal. If "d"h could deprive me of 50p, he would. And needless to say, he doesn't seem to give a thought to how his kids might be affected

OP posts:
Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:49

He is proposing a 70:30 split in his favour. We also have a house, owned outright in SE England, so worth a bit - but then, it's expensive to buy somewhere to move to. Should have enough to buy two smaller properties outright. Needless to say, dh thinks he needs something exactly comparable to whatever I get - even though there will be three of us, but only one of him!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 28/02/2020 22:49

Solicitor and he will get a big shock when you are given at least 50% of everything, including his pension.
Some have Ben awarded up to 70%, but they have had disabled DC who need life long care.
What does he propose as a financial split?

Weenurse · 28/02/2020 22:50

Sorry cross post

Weenurse · 28/02/2020 22:51

Let him know split starts at 50:50

Polkadotties · 28/02/2020 22:52

I’ve seen 100% PSOs, it’s not uncommon

Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:55

To clarify, even though we'll probably splitb the house 50:50, the share of his pension he wants will make the overall settlement 70:30.
He wants me to get a very small house, so I can live from whatever is left over from my half of the current one. And that's why (in his opinion) I don't need much of his pension.

He hasn't explained what he plans on doing with his balance after buying a house. Probably a flash car or something. Because he's worth it. Apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
coronabeer · 28/02/2020 22:56

And, of course, he has a job at the moment, whereas I don't.

OP posts:
NomDeQwerty · 28/02/2020 23:00

Stop stressing and speak to your solicitor. Have no further conversations with him directly.

Hopefulhen · 28/02/2020 23:00

He sounds delightful, congratulations on your impending divorce.
Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Patchworkpatty · 28/02/2020 23:04

Ndn in EXACTLY same position as you. Even down to age of kids and mean misogynistic ex who 'saved his salary' into 'his' pension .. all the best suits. Shoes, coats .. weekend gear all Barbour and Hunter wellies / top of the range tennis and golf gear.. She shopped in charity shops .. couldn't afford a 'hobby' in the £400 a month she was 'allowed' fas that was meant to cover food, kids bits, their extra curricular and her clothes. She even cut her own hair.
She tried to get several jobs but he screwed it up for her every time. By agreeing to cover school pick ups then having emergency meetings with five minutes notice .. all deliberately done..all highly controlling.

She finally found the courage to call it. Really bitter divorce. He has got the inevitable 'trophy girlfriend' telling her he was leaving anyway because she was 'not in his league - so dowdy and dull, embarrassed that she wasn't looking after herself like colleagues wives ...' yes a real charmer.

Judge has awarded her 50% of the pension on a pension sharing order. All of the house . (Mortgage is paid off) He gets most of the savings in exchange. Almost equal to the house value BUT he has to pay both child maintenance AND spousal until she can access the pension in 4 years time.

She is a very happy woman who looks like she has been born again. Has been on a few dates, taken the kids on holiday and as she says... nothing is as wonderful as being happy in your own home.
He is not so happy...and the kids want nothing to do with him.

All down to getting good legal advice and REFUSING to listen/engage with him in anyway except via lawyers.

Do not engage OP. Get on the FRONT FOOT.. be proactive. Speak to others who have divorced and get a lawyer by personal recommendation. !

SD1978 · 28/02/2020 23:04

You need to see a solicitor whilst both children are still dependents. He will not get to keep his pension fully. Do not engage with him, and do not accept anything he proposes. He doesn't get a 70/30 split in his favour when kids are involved. Make the appropriate noises to his face if you have to- although the kids are old enough there is no reason to engage with him at all. Solicitor and no further personal financial discussions. You're not being unreasonable- he is continuing to be as he sounds to have been throughout the marriage!

Sleepingboy · 28/02/2020 23:04

You can get more than 50% if you have given up your career and are housing and looking after the children. He's deluded and dont agree anything with him at all. Dont even discuss it with him, it's more likely to be 70/30 in YOUR favour. All assets go in the pot to be divided up. Just cos the pension is in his name does not make it solely his. Its yours too.

NotStayingIn · 28/02/2020 23:11

Sorry but to be blunt, who gives a shit what he proposes / says / wants?

Unless you’re a complete idiot you know that whatever he says is in his best interest. Just bat everything away with a standard reply: ‘that’s what we have solicitors for.’

MiniMum97 · 28/02/2020 23:11

DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM DIRECTLY. just refuse to engage and see a solicitor.

As others have said starring point is 50:50 INCLUDING PENSIONS.