Divorcing a crazy person

[Vickyglitz]

Anyone divorced a batshit crazy ex who was violent and tried to ruin your life? How did it all end? Were the police etc helpful? Was the law on your side? I have all manner of hell coming my way when I tell my abusive ex I've filed papers. He has tried to prevent me from going to see my family abroad with our kid, wipes the toilet seat with my clothes and does all manner of crazy shit. He's pushed me around again wardrobes and shower cabins.

Need some positive stories to gather strength. He will try to be obstructive. He will try to fire our nanny so that I have to stay home with the baby and can't go to work. He wants to coerce me into losing my job.

Hello,

Well done on leaving that awful situation! I haven't been through it but have a friend who has. I won't lie, it's a long, hard slog but she came through the other side and has her life again. She's a different person and it's so wonderful to see.

You need support so reach out to friends and family. Let them know what's going on so they can be there for you. Have you contacted Women's aid? They can be great.

Keep records of everything, texts/ emails/ letters. She kept a diary which was not only useful to look back on but was a place to write down how she was feeling and reaffirm why she was doing it. If you can get copies of documents/ bank statements etc and take/ hide passports.

what did the police do when he pushed you into the wardrobes and shower cabins? Did they not remove him from the property?

Hi Vicky

I divorced a crazy person. It can be done don't worry - it seems like you'll never be free when you're stuck in it, but that's the reality that he has created for you. It's not actually real, you really are a free woman, you've just got to keep focused on your reality, not his.

You need a solicitor, you need to be as vocal as possible that you are scared of him. You need a bit of money if you're not eligible for legal aid. Is it his house? I got a non-molestation order against my ex but couldn't get an occupation order, the law is insane - but the ex agreed to move out so I was lucky. You need some support from women's domestic violence groups. You could reach out to your local council domestic violence department who can help you keep him away or get you away (that's what I did in the end - he had started abusing the kids so it was a no-brainer). The police would possibly arrest him but then they'd send him back to your house.

You have a baby - you can't stay in a violent home with a baby and SS would want to make sure you get out.

Hi @thenamehaschanged ! He would never hurt our kid - just me. I don't need legal aid but I will apply for non molestation order. He has previously damaged my personal property. House is ours, joint names, pay mortgage together...

Hi Vicky - that sounds like a good plan - the best advice I was given when applying for the non-mol was make it seem as bad as possible.
(to be fair, I didn't need to exaggerate all that much, he was bad enough) but it's a bit like doing a police statement - you have to think of some recent examples of his behaviour and why you are scared of him and why you want the court to protect you from him. The solicitor will pretty much write it for you then they take you to court to apply for it.
You're going to have a random judge peering over this and assessing how risky he is - so be as colourful as you can - within the truth obviously!
(Abusers don't tend to abuse their babies until they grow up and start challenging them - I would have sworn right up until I was at court applying for the non-mol that it was only me he abused, not his kids - so get out now! Good luck)

Sorry to hear all this 😣
My ex is similar and now blackmailing me that he will only have children in the house.
What does the mol order do ? Can they still see the children ?

I am divorcing a bar shit crazy person as well. It's gone completely crazy. It's shocking how much he has been able to 'play the system' however when I play it back to him, social workers and the courts I just get screamed at - literally

Gosh I really really empathise with you.. I have lots of advice I could offer... Sadly for you you have to keep contact with him as there is a child involved.. however.

Having been going through very similar for last 15 months... I can say

1. contact NCDV. A domestic violence charity who can help you with the Non Mol order. Be prepared for him to claim You hurt HIM and to counter apply. My Ex did and I ended up agreeing to sign a Court Undertaking as the hearing could not be dealt with in the 1hr slot allocated. The Court Undertaking has been breached several times by Ex, inc when he deliberately rammed in to my car whilst I was driving. And I have found it to be pretty un-enforceable.
2. Communicate only in writing where possible. Or if verbally.. record covertly (for gods sake don't let him find out you are doing this!). My Ex alleged I was harassing HIM and luckily I had recorded all conversations so could prove I had not when he involved police.
3. The police didn't really take things on... CPS didn't proceed with any charges other than on one occasion and Ex accepted a caution.
4. get yourself a GOOD lawyer and be prepared to fight! It gets dirty VERY quickly. And its utterly vile process. But you WILL get through it and life DOES get better!
5. He needs to move out.. BUT he will know where you live.. and you cannot change locks unless you get a court order or police involved. He will then probably stop paying mortgage (as mine did) and you cannot sell house without a court order or his permission.

I really wish I could say there is an easy fix to this... Your ex sounds VILE. You need to ensure you are SAFE as a priority... The rest is just money. It will cost you a lot of money to get rid of him.. but it is ONLY money.... Ive lost everything and am desperately trying to keep my good credit rating... so going forwards I can get a mortgage on my own. He is desperate to destroy me. I really feel for you!!!!

Get all important paperwork out of the house and somewhere safe.
Be careful of joint named bank accounts... Once bank know you are separating they MAY restrict access to prevent one of you removing all the funds. It will mean you cannot move money in or out to pay bills.
I moved all bills to my own personal account before they froze the joint ones. Every day write a diary (in NOTES app on your phone)... it helped enormously to be able to recall specific detail about my Exs behaviour.
Change all phone passwords and Ebay and amazon etc so he cannot access anything in your name. Unsync family devices so he cannot see your NOTES app.

the NCDV were great in helping me apply for the Non Mol. They did all the paperwork and it cost me nothing
Spend your money getting DIVORCED, not on other paperwork or battles. Don't get distracted or sucked in to other drama. Stay focused on divorcing. Ive spent thousands of pounds on lawyers sending letters to defend me against allegations he has made... and Im £28k down and we haven't even STARTED negotiating assets!
Its ugly and vile... roll up your sleeve and get ready to fight!