Dad with minimal input in day to day life of kids now wanting 50-50

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

In the process of separating after many unhappy years.

Have DC aged 11 & 6.

I've been part-time & the primary carer, doing all drop off's, pickups, cooking, dentist appts during the week.

Their dad usually comes home around 7-7.30 & does stories etc. He is a bit more involved during the weekends.

He's wanting to stay in the house, buy me out & start doing 50/50. Probably to avoid maintenance.

Have had a try at it the last couple of weeks & he's been hopeless - late, not giving baths & showers, forgetting lunches/PE kits etc.

The kids are tired from 11 hour days in childcare & asking why mummy can't drop them as usual.

I don't think this is in their best interests.

He also has mental health issues with significant periods of time off work, Witt resulting financial issues.

I think they would be better with 1 night during week & EOW. But for him that would mean maintenance & he can't keep house. I can't buy him out.

Help!

We have both already seen solicitors & had solicitor-led mediation. It was a waste of time because he would not compromise on the equity or agree with the concept (in Scottish law) of economic disadvantage (I've worked part-time to bring up DC).

He does not do compromise & this is why it's a stalemate.

Take him to court. To be honest, it is the only way. A letter from a solicitor setting out that you have a right to 50% (assuming that is the case) and will file the court papers if he disagrees, requesting that you get 50:50 and he does 1 night per week plus EOW in view of you having tried 50:50 and it not having worked out along with reasons why (ie effects on children, additional childcare, lower quality of life for them, concerns about his ability to cope with a job plus 50:50 given his previous difficulties in coping with lesser burden) might give him pause to reflect if he really wants it to go to court. Make clear not your preferred solution but that he has refused to compromise. Give him a chance to settle and if he doesn't, serve him with the papers very swiftly. There really is no other way.

Sorry that should say you do not do 50:50!!

Stop the 50/50 right now as he isn't coping with it. Go back to the status quo.

Go to court, force the sale, move to the cheaper area, near to family and nearer his work which will allow for an increase in contact in the future.

Does he realise 50/50 also includes 50% of sick days for the kids, 50% of school holidays?

Don't short change yourself for an abusive, narcissitic man who is putting himself first not the kids.

Then you have to go to court. You cannot give him what he wants so let the courts decide. It’s not going to be easy but it’s the only way

Good point.
Ask him if he can cover the holidays,
Remove be him that it will be 5 full days over each two week holiday for 12 hours for two children, that it will be more than maintenance, from CSA.
Also should a child be Ill on his watch, he will have to take the whole day off and wipe up sick.

Sorry remind him .

His parents will probably help him out with childcare, although they live 1hr away, where he works.

So even if he does more childcare in future it therefore makes sense for him to be moving to near where he works? Same for you. Really, his position is totally untenable.

Anything I want, he won't agree to. This is the entire problem. I say "what about x,y,z" and he will just say no 🤷‍♀️

It's part of the reason our relationship has failed. He's lost multiple jobs & always left on bad terms.

I seriously think he has NPD.

Then what exactly is stopping you going to court and getting a legal impartial judgment

Given his offer is 50/50 can and 20k from 150 and no maintenance your money and time would be well spent no judge is going to go for that

He sounds like he is saying no just to be contrary.
Go to court. Once you gave your share of equity buy a house in the area you want. He can’t be relied on at all and I wouldn’t believe a word he says.

OP you don't seem to be listening to anyone. You're so wrapped up in your own frustration that you can't see what's right in front of your eyes. The ONLY option you have if you actually want to get a reasonable resolution to this situation is court. It's that simple. All you're doing is wasting time and causing yourself more stress by dragging it out like this. You've got nothing to lose.

Go. To. Court.

I am listening, I promise!!!

I will tell him tonight it's court action....

You don’t need to tell him. Speak to your solicitor and tell them.

Tell him legally you own half the house.
He has no choice.
Do not agree to anything.
Just tell him that it can cost him money, or he can give you what is legally yours, by law.

Please stop discussing anything with him, just set the legal wheels in motion and give yourself a mental and emotional break from it all.

He can't stop you picking the DC up from childcare even on "his" days as there is no court order in place so that is an option for now if they are just too tired etc.

You need to go to court.

"Wouldnt it be nice if everyone was nice" only works if everyone IS being nice, he is clearly trying to get you to agree to just walking away with the clothes on your back and when you start there, they will NEVER end up agreeing to something halfway reasonable without the court ordering them to hand it over.

Just send him the letter and put things in motion to get your court papers in. Really, don't discuss it any more. It isn't worth it.

Why do you want to settle out of court? Is it the money? Because if it is to preserve a relationship and goodwill then forget it - it's gone!!

The cost of court has been worrying me; I'm a low-paid worker & don't qualify for legal costs. No savings. Already spent £1000 plus on solicitors & mediation.

I bet whatever the cost is, it wont be the 30% of the equity along with the child support money that hes expecting you to just throw away.

He will have to agree to something and court seems to be the only option

You can probably do an awful lot of form filling and applying to courts yourself. There will be guidance from the courts and the internet.

Get a good solicitor.

Take him to the cleaners and stop engaging with him.

You can reason with crazy.