Dad with minimal input in day to day life of kids now wanting 50-50

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

In the process of separating after many unhappy years.

Have DC aged 11 & 6.

I've been part-time & the primary carer, doing all drop off's, pickups, cooking, dentist appts during the week.

Their dad usually comes home around 7-7.30 & does stories etc. He is a bit more involved during the weekends.

He's wanting to stay in the house, buy me out & start doing 50/50. Probably to avoid maintenance.

Have had a try at it the last couple of weeks & he's been hopeless - late, not giving baths & showers, forgetting lunches/PE kits etc.

The kids are tired from 11 hour days in childcare & asking why mummy can't drop them as usual.

I don't think this is in their best interests.

He also has mental health issues with significant periods of time off work, Witt resulting financial issues.

I think they would be better with 1 night during week & EOW. But for him that would mean maintenance & he can't keep house. I can't buy him out.

Help!

but neither do you have to agree to what he wants either as it isnt in the best interests of you or the children

With the background you describe I dont think this can be done anything but the formal legal route Im afraid.

Are you married/joint names on the house?

We are not married & it's Scottish cohabitation law. Which is as clear as mud.

Of course I've said to sell up & split down middle. He doesn't want to. Mediation was pointless. He lied & manipulated.

Hopeful my solicitor will give me good advice tomorrow.

so you own it jointly or he owns it?

I think you may have to go to court OP.

How much equity is there in the house?

You should always start with the premise of 50/50 and work from there. You're throwing up all sorts of reasons as to why you do not want this, instead of looking at how you can both make it work. The fact that your initial comment about him wanting this so he doesn't have to pay anything makes this glaringly obvious.
Try thinking again, 'what do we need to do to make 50/50 work for the children?'

£20k is a joke. Stick with it.

You own it jointly.
Yeah he is stuffed.

@Soontobe60 - he can only afford to stay in the house if he offers me shit equity & does 50-50 to avoid maintenance. He has said this to me.

I don't want to be renting a tiny 2-bed flat whilst he lords it up in the 4-bed house with all the equity.

Can see this both ways and I speak as a mother whose ex tried to get 50:50 to avoid maintenance. He has been at work until 7.30 until now -so has had little practise at the routines (although does at least try o do something - stories- each evening and more at weekends.So sounds as if he is willing in spirit.
Would he reduce his working days to accommodate their needs? Its not his fault he has a long commute.
Other ideas...do you NEED maintenance? If you could do without, would that make him more likely to negotiate? I don't know about Scotland, but in England me moving out and not paying my share of the mortgage (as I was paying more than that in rent) didn't affect the settlement at all.
If he won't agree to sell the house then you probably do need to go to court - talking 10k each, just to likely be ordered to sell.

He sounds like a greedy self centred sod who does not have his children's best interests at heart. Go through your solicitor. Don't let him rip you and the children off. You need the best deal the law will give you as a single mum.

I cannot see how(even in Scottish Law which I know nothing about) if you are joint owners of a property why a Judge would not order the sale of the property so that you both get equal share of the equity.

Do not agree to any of his demands and do not move out of the house and hopefully you have found yourself a very good solicitor.

Also he does not seem capable of taking care of the Dcs 50:50 if he cannot even feed them properly....and sending them to school with no food is just absolutely not being a parent by any stretch of the imagination.

If his mental health leaves unable to care for himself I cannot see how he can argue that he could be a competent parent for half the time.

Just put the needs of the DCs and yourself as the primary care giver before anything else.

Yes, I need maintenance as childcare will be up to £800/month - it won't even cover that.

Neither of us has much opportunity to change working hours or WFH.

I wanted to move somewhere cheaper nearer his work & family but he wouldn't agree to that either.

We could both have bought houses there whereas our current area is really expensive.

Right OP I cannot see in what world you think that is an idea that the law supports.

I dont know much about Scottish Law but an admittedly very quick read seems to suggest selling is the desired option.

He cant afford to stay in the house and you need to stop pandering to him because you feel guilty. Legal advice and court is the way forward. Selling the house with maintenance plus EOW and one night a week contact (so 10/4) sounds like the best solution. You need to get that

Can you tell I'm frustrated with this process!

I don't want to be renting a tiny 2-bed flat whilst he lords it up in the 4-bed house with all the equity.

Then think of yourself and the children! From what you have said, he will not be able to cope with 50/50 in the long term. Do you want to be in a 2 bed flat once you have to have the children 90% of the time because he cannot cope?

You both need to move on and get new lives. It might not be ideal for him but he has to man up and start again.

Start saying no.

he's being unrealistic and unreasonable and putting himself ahead of the needs of the children.

Tell him you won't agree to 50/50, and that you'll go to court over it. And tell him you'll be pursuing an order to sell the house and a FAIR split of any equity. End of.

Personally I think 50-50 is a ridiculous go-to idea that the family courts have jumped on and want to push for at any cost. Sounds great on paper, in practice it's often awful and very stressful for the kids who just want a calm and settled life. Totally agree with this.

You should always start with the premise of 50/50 and work from there Totally disagree with this.

You should always start with what the status quo was before the separation (i.e. primary career should remain primary career) and on what is best for the children.

Why disrupt what the children are used and put them in childcare so he can have 50-50. If he rarely saw the children during the week before then, like you said OP, he can cope with one evening and EOW, and more importantly the children can cope with it.

I made the mistake with my exH to try at all costs to do everything 50-50 before realizing, hang on a minute, this isn’t actually working for our child and also her dad wanted 50-50 on paper (I.e. the right to see her 50% of the time without any responsibility to see her 50% of the time).

If you aren’t happy with 50-50 and don’t believe its best for your DC then stop putting your exH’s wishes first because this will set a precedent and put you in a very weak position regarding the family courts.

Best of luck OP

If they want 50-50 with the kids and/or 50-50 of house equity you need to ask yourself if they are sharing their assets, savings, income, pensions etc 50-50 too? If not why not? 50-50 works very nicely for higher earning spouses. Get a solicitor and they'll help even things up

We don't share assets/pensions/savings etc under Scots cohabitation law - it's just the equity in the house & childcare arrangements which need sorted out.

So it should be straightforward enough. If you are dealing with someone reasonable of course....

These negotiations with him are worse than Brexit. He's almost abusive, controlling & manipulative.

I think he has a personality disorder (pretty far down the narcissistic spectrum).

Has he any clue how much childcare is? For most men, it's far more than the maintenance that they pay to their ex.

OP I think you're right to pursue a house sale and go after at least 50% of the equity. You don't want to rent a new place then find out that he's not being paying the mortgage and have the bank come after you for the mortgage payments too,

He's a proposing I come off the mortgage after giving me 20K, then move in to a 2-bed rental. It would do for a short time, but I need a much bigger cut of equity to get somewhere in long term.

This would leave him in a 4-bed house, with 130k equity.

No way.

He is having a laugh isn't he? Time to stop trying to negotiate with him and see a solicitor , it's the only way you will get this resolved