Xmas - separated but still living together

[Nighowl]

Anyone else facing this? I’m dreading Christmas. We decided to separate at the end of September and have been living together since. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m organising all of Xmas for the kids and a birthday, upped my working hours, waiting on getting a mortgage approved, looking for houses, trying to hold it together for the kids,but I’m so uncomfortable in my own home. I just want to move and get on with my life but there’s nothing on the market so realistically I’m looking at at least Easter before I’m out.... need a fast forward button

Just sending to all. Luckily I’m at my families without him - which is a relief, with the kids, which he will be being the martyr to his awful family about, who all hate me, but I just couldn’t face Christmas in the house with him. So hard. He won’t move out and wants me to sign something too!

@nighowl your kids will have a much better day if he is out. Because you will be happier and therefore they will be happy.
I will be a spare part tomorrow. I can see that already. He is just finishing off the nice surprise for ds...cost a small fortune and of course will make him idolise the man even more.
Feel like a ghost in my own home now. Knowing he is doing everything he can to make me feel like a piece of shit and the kids think he’s god.

Will the kids see through this??

Willing the next few days to be over.

You’ll all be in my thoughts today.

Good luck everyone - we have totally got this! Next year will be a whole different story. Don’t know any of you but you are all in my thoughts today xxxx

OEJ don’t let yourself get pushed out of this day..... Get involved with it all as much as you can- he wants you to fade into the background - dont! Be there, be bright and be fun for your kids..... stay strong xxx

@Nighowl I tried.
Morning presents were good fun but then he took over. Let’s do this now we are do that...majority of the day.
I got to do a few things with kids but the ended up in the kitchen when I said very clearly I didn’t want to be alone. Dd stayed with me he turned up as I started carving asking what could be done.
This evening has been lovely. Kids got fed up with him Telling them what to do so came and watched Mary Poppins with me! Even now he is pissing dd off by his stupid childish behaviour and needy ness.
I pray to god next year isn’t like this. It just can’t be.
I hope you’ve had a good day xx

You got through it and even had some good quality time with your kids 😊 next year will be different I’ve had a few tears ( on my own going to the loo) the kids argued a fair bit early on which I struggled with H went out at about 11 and came home very drunk at about 6pm then sat on the sofa and slept While me and the kids had a great game of charades ( their new favourite) with lots of laughter, which kept waking H up. I ended up feeling bad for him... So it’s done,some bits were as bad as I thought it would be others were much much better. Now on to Boxing Day 😬

I have survived too; had to stay at outlaws last night - thankfully in separate rooms as I can no longer bear being in the same bedroom.

This morning was ok as the kids & brothers/sister-in-laws are a pleasant distraction.

We went to my folks in the afternoon. He was so bloody blatant; confident & just seemed to have no shame at all.
I could hardly bear to be in the same room & had no conversation with him beyond essentials. I felt he overstayed his welcome & it was a relief to leave for my sisters.

I'm staying here alone with the kids tonight & tomorrow - maybe he can reflect on his lying & cheating at home.

Looking forward to a fresh start in 2020.

Got through yesterday @Nighowl
Not sure on today.
A day with his brother and family.
He is being a total prick. Over the top hellos everyone I’m here.
The man that never ever drinks is getting pissed. Thanks for that.
Could do with a few to get me through the day.
Sat in the loo crying and can’t even go home as it’s too far.
God knows how I get through this.

Oh wow! Not sure how you’re all managing with visiting inlaws, think that would be too much for me. How long are you there for? If you’re driving say you’re feeling unwell and get Home ASAP.... Do they know the situation?
Makeminea large one..... are your families aware too? I really couldn’t face it. You’ve done so well going.
H has been bought some of the cheap aftershave, you know the ones that mums sell and they have numbers on? I know two people selling at the school, and there’s no way anyone in his family would buy it he got proper stuff from them.... plus it’s turned up after his ‘day out’ yesterday. Really don’t think I’m being paranoid anymore.... feel totally played. House going on the market next week....

2nd January is a busy day for estate agents I’m sure.
Yes both families are aware.
Mine refuse to see him. My mum And sister will be civil but dad and bro in law won’t. We were suppose to be with them xmas day. Had a few hours xmas eve but he wasn’t invited. Doesn’t help things.
But the huge difference is that he has been rude about my family for years. Never liked them and very vocal. I’ve moaned about them yes but a lot of thoughts about them have been manipulated into me to try and isolate me from them. I’m pleased to say they knew it wasn’t me and just kept going with the feeling it would go wrong at some point.
I’ve never had an issue with his family they are all lovely but H is treated very differently because be buys everything for his parents.
yes they know and I’m the wicked witch that’s hurt golden boy. He now says I don’t deserve to have a relationship with them or see them because of what I’ve done....
But lost on that one as I’ve not said a bad words against any of them.
He was so rude in front of kids about my sis I stormed out of the house.

Just got to keep going. Probably got another four hours to go...I will need a BIG drink when I get home!
No idea how I do it either.

Op

Didn't you or the kids ask him where the fuck he had been 11am til 6pm on CHRISTMAS day ?? Oh my god that is awful !

@Nighowl
Forgot to add on. No I don’t think you’re being paranoid. As you’ve said probably no point stressing about it when it’s all over anyway.

Big Chris weirdly no they didn’t but he’s been out nearly every night since we split. He went out again for a couple of hours at 6. I feel manipulated. When we ended...He basically pushed me until I had had enough and then said you think it’s over I agreed and was then made out to be the bad one..... I’m now thinking there’s been a possible affair for nearly two years! I remember calling him on it after seeing some texts over his shoulder. This was AGES ago and he denied it and made out I was crazy. I know this same person buys the perfume from a mutual friend. I’m trying to convince myself I’m wrong because if I’m right then I have wasted the last two years trying to make my marriage work and feel a total fool. He’ll never admit it and is the best liar ever so I’ll just have to wait. I can’t bear to even be in the same room as him now or even look at him.

Keep that anger with you. You will need it as time goes on I’m sure.
Have you got a friend that could follow him? Or a private investigator?
Would only take one trip I would think! Maybe worth it just to throw at him and show him you’re not stupid as I’m sure he thinks you are.

I’ve been considering it! But then think well I’ll find out eventually anyway.im guess I guess he doesn’t want me to know before the house gets sold in case I try to go for more of the equity??? If I’m right and it’s who I think, I know them really well. It was her birthday he other day and he was out all night again that night

Back home now; that was a tough one.

I've told my mum that we are not getting along just now; she's not stupid & has probably guessed. I didn't think it was fair to tell her over Xmas. Both my sisters & lots of friends know & all have been really supportive. I haven't said anything at work.

He has told his dad, not sure about his mum. But I suspect he's not told them about his affair. Scumbag.

Anyway, I have made plans for spending New Year's Eve/day with family. He'll be on his own - not my problem.

Ok, so just been in our laptop and I’ve never done anything like this before but logged into his email. He’s ordered viagra today and ordered some in November. Before then there’s no history it’s all deleted. He also ordered a massive painting to be delivered to his work address early December! I hate snooping but just want to know and although this isn’t 100% proof I do think it confirms my suspicions. I feel so stupid.

Can’t believe how angry I am right now

@MakeMineALargeProsecco I need to make these kind of plans for NYE too I was feeling guilty about him being on his own... Not any more!

You have every right to be angry. Stay angry. Speak to your solicitor to see if it makes you entitled to more. I’m not sure it does but it makes the whole divorce easy.
If the women you think it is married?
Like to know what her hubby thinks?

Survived day 2.
As not officially separated everything is that much harder. Still have 12 days before kids go back to Sch and as he doesn’t work 12 days he will not leave the house as he thinks I poison them against him.

New year is going to be interesting. The four of us at home? All my family are away so his parents will probably come over. Joy

The strength of character and resilience that everyone is showing is just astonishing. I feel like this holiday has finished me off. I have flu, chest infection and face full of cold sores. I think sometimes the body just says it's too much no matter how strong you yet try to be. We're on holiday in familiar place and in many ways I feel it's so easy to slip back into the pattern of years gone by, is it worth splitting up the family because actually I've been pretending for a very long time. Then he opens his mouth and I know I can't do this anymore.
He makes every event so stressful and I feel like I can now see through him and the brainwashing. For example he's always been a really great excellent cook. Why do I think that? Because he tells me his. In reality he is good but now I feel I see him for what he is. A nothing that hypes himself up and I've believed it. This year while Christmas lunch was being served one of the children asked what the potatoes were like and asked if they were like mine. For context I don't do much of the family cooking, I generally do the children's meals but not a family thing like a Sunday lunch as he is so great. Recently I've started to cook a few Sunday lunches. Guess what? They were really good and the children loved them. I told my dd that I'd cook is a proper lunch when we got home and she was excited. It's stupid isn't it but I'm starting to realise what I can do!
Sorry Nighowl about your discovery. It must hurt and make you angry but use it positively to steel your resolve to get this sorted in the new year.
OEJ, your sounds v similar to mine. For the first year did most of the Christmas gifts. Thousands spent. (And also quite unequal spending etc which had led to tears and me smoothing things over) But equally pissing us all off by controlling the day. I too hope they see through this when it comes to the future arrangements.

Hi can I join please? I know the big day has already passed, but I can definitely empathise with pp's stories.

Been married 5 years and I have a 15yo dd (stbxh's sd).

Life has gradually been getting more unbearable at home. I don't know if stbxh has always been so stubborn and a little controlling but I've seven seeing a different side to him these last 1-2 years.

He has absolutely no tolerance for my dd. She's a grumpy teen who is rebelling against all the adults in her life. She's had anxiety for a few years and 2 years of counselling did not help. She takes these anxious feelings out on those closest to her. She has also recently been diagnosed with bulimia life has been quite difficult.

This has been made even worse by stbxh's lack of any type of tolerance for her. I prefer to pick my battles while he'll hit the roof at every eye roll etc. It doesn't mean what she is doing is right however I cannot love in a house where I'm constantly on edge because of the behaviour of the both of them.

We've been told that in terms of the bulimia she is v unwell I have asked him to try go a bit easier on her but he won't. I also lost my DF this year (I find him at home), and this is my first Xmas without him.

Stbxh decided he'd stay home instead of coming to my sister's, as planned. He didn't get me and Xmas gift and has refused to open the ones I got him..still under the tree. Refused to join in our usual Xmas eve traditions etc.

For weeks now I have swithered and hesitated about what to do but the complete lack of support this Xmas has been the final nail in the coffin.

We got a new mattress and put the old one in the garage until he clears his work van to take it to the dump. I've dragged it back in and upstairs and I'm now sleeping in that (on the floor) in spare room. I've had enough.

I too will be looking for somewhere else to live after the new year. He has already made it clear that the house is his. He paid the deposit when I was still living in my own flat, then we moved in together shortly afterwards, been here 8 years now. And I've paid my share of the mortgage and bills since. I think I'm going to have a fight on my hands.

I hope everyone is continuing to remain strong

Dainty really sorry for what you are going through. It makes you wonder why he actually wants to stay if doesn't join in, open gifts etc. You will know what ultimately needs to happen, you just have to be in the right head space to do it. Only you know if you have the strength right now. I wish I'd started this process 10 years ago when something happened, then three years ago when his behaviour deteriorated and then 14 months ago when incident of domestic violence. I don't want to live with regrets but I would have had 10 years of a very different life if I'd gone with my instinct 10 years ago. I may not be any happier than I am today but at least it would have been an opportunity to have a happy life.
If you've got the old mattress back in you should blooming well swap it for the new one and if you are in the spare room, at least have the best mattress.
We are all deserving of a happy life.

I'll reply properly tomorrow as I have a 7am start in the morning.

Just had to say though.... I prefer the old mattress. he bought the new one on a whim without consulting me and it's like a brick! I'm more than happy here