Xmas - separated but still living together

[Nighowl]

Anyone else facing this? I’m dreading Christmas. We decided to separate at the end of September and have been living together since. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m organising all of Xmas for the kids and a birthday, upped my working hours, waiting on getting a mortgage approved, looking for houses, trying to hold it together for the kids,but I’m so uncomfortable in my own home. I just want to move and get on with my life but there’s nothing on the market so realistically I’m looking at at least Easter before I’m out.... need a fast forward button

[PressToChange]

Nighowl he's had mental health issues for over three years. Behaved so nastily like he is the only one in the world with problems, not thought about the knock on effects to me or the children. He's been very verbally aggressive, selfish, not engaged with me or children etc and to top it all a year ago punched me. I think I've given it a good go but I'm done. In contrast, at the point where he knows I mean it he has "changed" and is now trying hard to make it all right again. I wonder if it's me he's scared of losing or half his large pension. By trying now, I feel insulted as it just goes to show he could have tried at any other time but chose not to.
Literally crying as I'm going around the house sorting stuff out to pack. However, trying to take control, iPad charging so I can watch stuff, kindle charging for books, magazines purchased....

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

Press, I have one of these types too.

Mental health issues are awful to live with - I have spent the last few years with an angry, disengaged, selfish man who has opted out of family life.

Earlier this year, when he lost his job through MH issues, it was his turn to step up & support me. Instead, he was an opponent.

When I told him I'd had enough, he finally started putting some effort in round the house. Too little too late for me. And yes, isn't it frustrating when they suddenly decide they can start doing it.

It sticks in my throat that I supported him after he'd had an affair - didn't know it at the time.

We had an awful argument last weekend & I wasn't sure if I could stomach being in the same room, but we've managed to find a way to do this last Christmas together.

Haven't told the kids yet. Lots of uncertainty ahead, but I know life will be better on my own.

[Nighowl]

Similar story here too - I told dh I was unhappy two years ago, this followed on from him vertually ignoring my existence we were going through a difficult time loosing our business which he’d kept a secret from me but I said we had to work through it together. Then 6 months ago he turned and said he was going to make an effort again.... too little too late something just clicked and I thought I’ve been wasting my time for two years while he wasn’t trying at all and although he then started doing the right things I was already emotionally clocked out and could not get that feeling back,... Now I’m the bad one and the last two years is forgotten

[turtleinthesky]

Good to know we're not alone ! Wine is helping ... 😬 🍷

[PressToChange]

Nighowl and MakeMineALarge so similar!!! And yes mine has wiped the last three years away too. He's quite literally said "well I've really not been here have I?" (Meaning mentally present I'm assuming) and "I've not been very well".
Now, like you I am the bad guy as he's "trying to put things right" and I've had enough of giving chance after chance after chance. We had counselling 10 years ago. How many opportunities does he need. I've no doubt that if I give in to this new niceness he would lapse very quickly and we'll be at square one again. He's infuriating going around the house saying "if only people could be a little kinder to each other". Really? If only that statement could have been applied when I thought he'd broken my jaw 13 months ago. Oh and what about having been blocked from accessing his bank account since Oct. I was told (how naive) that we didn't need a joint bank account I could just access his. Yes dear. If only people could be kinder to one another. What he really means is - if only you would just agree to do everything I say when I say it I think.
I think I've only just realised how angry I am!!! Sorry for the rant. xx

[Nighowl]

Press to change..... you need to be very careful, try and get that account switched back until you have made a proper financial agreement. Is he the main wage earner? Just concerned you may be left relying on having to ask for money.... and having to pay alll your current bills yourself....we are gradually splitting our finances.... one joint account for mortgage and bills and separate accounts for the rest....

[OEJ1979]

I’m always a little apprehensive to post but I’m in similar situation.
We are yet to confirm separation but in reality we are. After best part of 12 months of nastyness from my dh I have finally realised he is controlling and manipulating and has been for 22 years. I asked him to leave. He refused and now to continue I am to sign a post nup and move back into the bedroom! I moved out because he spent months telling me I was useless in bed...what’s the point in being in the same one???

We have a vague plan to get through Xmas which involves me getting a couple hours xmas eve with my family (he hates them so can’t be in the same room) and then Xmas day us and the 2 kids.
The atmosphere is awful. We don’t talk when the kids are around and when they aren’t we argue.
It will be me in the kitchen as always while he gets to manipulate the kids into believing xmas is only fun with dad.
That is now his full aim. Make the kids believe im the nasty one and this is all my fault so he gets more custody. Doesn’t think that he can’t even boil and egg or use the washing machine comes into it.

Roll on 2020. Praying next year will be better.

[Otter71]

Did this last year. Was on the sofa while he had the bed. Boxing day he packed me a case and shut me out telling me to phone a friend whilst keeping both kids. Hope none of you go there this year but in many ways it forced the issue even though it's been ridiculously tough ..Good luck

[SarahBop]

Hi ladies,
I'm also in the same situation. Except pretty heartbroken about it.
Found out about 5 wks ago that DH had cheated on me with an acquaintance but at the beginning of summer. He'd kept it to himself, she had told people and I ended up finding out.
He too has MH issues, has done for a few years (I have too, but was coming out the other side of mine) but it turns out he done lots of cocaine this particular time (also a shock, as that's 'not hime' atall) and as much as I know he was behaving out of character and was pretty ill and acting like a mad man, I honestly don't feel I can get over him nobbing someone else. I'm devastated and feel absolutely broken.
At the mo, our children are oblivious. We are civil when the kids are present, but it is taking so much out of me to "play happy families" and "act normal"..emotionally draining. I work evenings and I dread coming home now, just because my home no longer feels cosy and safe; it feels tainted and negative because he is here. I'm really struggling.

[OEJ1979]

@SarahBop I’m so sorry you are in this position. I couldn’t get over that either. Mine has been using porn. He says it’s to get what I won’t get him. Can’t get my head round that reasoning but he is using other women to pleasure himself...only one step away from affair to me.

That sinking feeling when you put the key in the door does speak volumes. For its when I hear his key or the floor boards creek as he as got up. He doesn’t work so it’s 24/7.

Stay strong. As much as being civil in front of the kids is awful they will thank you when they are older.

If you can see a counsellor try to. I have done for nearly 12 months and she has helped so much. She has built my confidence and bought me back to life.
Choose a movie with the kids and try and enjoy what you can this year knowing next will be exactly how you want it.

[lifeisgoodagain]

In my case he moved out a few weeks ago after 6 months in the spare room. I've invited him for Christmas lunch.

[PressToChange]

Oh my goodness. Who are these entitled men!!
Nighowl, I'm already there unfortunately re finances. Screwed. He earns quite literally 10x more than me and so far, whilst in denial is paying all the bills as per normal, so god help me after the new year. I'm normally a SAHM but due to him being off sick (he's now back full time) and salary decrease with the same bills, took a job 18 months ago which is a pittance but better than nothing to help. I'm now very glad I did as otherwise I would be completely on the back foot. We are living completely separately though (rooms, cooking, washing clothes etc) but when I said that to him the other day said are we really? Wtf!?
I'd also like to know what is it with depression or mental issues that allows him (them) to think that's alright then?
OEJ1979 to be subjected to that criticism is awful. It will be more his problem and projecting on to you. Mine had/has still presumably but I wouldn't know as that is over now, problems getting an erection. That was my fault for previously rejecting him. Not wanting him enough etc. Actually I've since found out it's a side effect of the depression meds and the doc had prescribed stuff but easier to blame me...
Please don't sign anything post nup he's probably realised how much he is set to lose financially and going into protect mode.
What I don't get for those with H in denial is that they're still being horrible but think that they can hold on to us because we are wrong, or they don't agree etc. .
I also know that dread of seeing them as mine works at home. My part time hours would have me home more but I just don't want to be there as it's like his presence seems to leech into every square centimetre.
SarahBop whatever happens, remember that you may be making the decision to separate but it was his behaviour that caused it. My, I don't really know what to call him, H for the moment, told me when I said I was telling my Dad that we were separating, that I must tell that it's me that's separating from him. Not that we were separating. I've spoken to a few people in RL and they've said similar, that their now ExH said the same as though they were tying to save face, even if they were having affairs and not being discreet!!
We can get through this.

[Nighowl]

So my H now goes out every night at around 9 and doesn’t come home till morning. He said he’s staying round a mates and walking their dog? He went to leave again last night and I reminded him I was going to the gym at 6am but he still went and came back at half 5...... loves that dog obviously

[OEJ1979]

@Nighowl I will assume it’s a female dog he is walking???
The new year will bring plenty of new homes to look at I’m sure.
I’d make the most of these hours he is out. The house is yours. All yours for those hours. Do what ever pisses him off the most and make sure you fully enjoy it!!!!
If he can enjoy that dog you enjoy your space. Before you know it you will be breathing in your own home.

I long for the time mine goes out. The kids are totally different when he isn’t around as am I. I can relax and be me without being told off or walking on eggshells wondering what I’m going to do next.
We haven’t yet separated but on the basis I refuse to sign his ‘post nup’ it won’t be long. We live separated in the same house which he blames me for. Because I’ve taken sex out of the marriage we no longer have one and without my signature we have zero hope.

Hugs to you.

[Nighowl]

Do not sign that post nup! Do not sign anything.... the fact he’s pushing you to sign is in itself setting off alarm bells- he no longer has your best interest at heart it’s all about him now.
No idea about the dog..... on one hand I think he’s lying and is seeing someone.... I know the whole of Mumsnet would scream ‘affair’ but on the other hand I wonder if it’s all to make me think he’s seeing someone..... if he is seeing going someone it’s very very quick and would make me think it’s been going on longer..... one worrying thing is that about a year ago I saw some texts on his phone ( I was sat ne t to him when it popped up) with kisses and called him on it.... there was a seemingly innocent explanation at the time but now I’m wondering.... I know this person very well.... another part of me thinks my imagination has gone into overdrive.....he pushed and pushed me to call things off would not do it himself.... and then went on to say how he wanted things to work etc.... I feel like there’s a lot of mind games going on... very confused. To top it off I’m now ill - as if xmas isn’t going to be bad enough 😫 H has said he’s going out xmas day though, so planning a Pjday with the kids.
We are the same when he’s out the whole atmosphere changes plus the kids have be or so loving and cuddly, though im worried they feel insecure and that’s why ..... my head is just a big mess full of worries.
Stay strong OEJ dont be bullied into signing that, you are more than likely owed far more than you might think x

[Turnedovernewleaf]

Hi all,

Same situation here.
Completely understand what many of you have written. In particular how the house is so different ( for the better ) when he out and how I have that feeling of dread when either the latch goes on the gate or I see his car lights on the drive to know of his return

Christmas Day almost here. It’s going to be a bit tough

Xx

[OEJ1979]

@Nighowl
I never like to presume affairs but going out xmas day? Is it to walk the dog?
If your gut says he is then he probably is. Sometimes it’s best not to know. One less thing for the brain to process.
You seem to know it’s over so I wouldn’t add the stress of is he isn’t he to yourself.
I hope you feel better by xmas day. The pj day sounds perfect to me. Let the kids do what they want.
I’ve had water and food fights with mine recently. H would have hit the roof!

I’ve tried for many months to be hopeful but when he says I will tell you me plans for our future when you sign on the line I am left with little.
I’m sure there will be some small print in white ink on the white paper...stay size 6-8. Please me when and how I say and don’t talk to your family again because I hate them!
His plans may not be what I see in my future.
I’m sure it will be all signing and dancing holidays and new this that and the other.
I’m know I am very lucky in that finances are not an issue. But this really does prove money doesn’t buy happiness. It causes anxiety in other ways when you in this mess. Will the kids accept a smaller house? Will they want to be with me as he will give them everything? Will they want holidays with me when daddy will take them wherever they wish?
I hope the answer is yes they will want me. Because I’m their mum and I’ve raised them giving them all the emotional support they need. I’ve been there for the falls. The nightmares. Homework. He just buys stuff. And stuff doesn’t make you happy.

By the sounds of it your kids know there are issues and they are trying to support you with their hugs. Just keep reminding them you love them. Just like us they are stronger than you know

[Nighowl]

Omg OEJ these are all my worries too 😢 my biggest fear is loosing my kids. H said in one conversation that ds10 wouldn’t want to live with me anyway in a years time and he’s already doing the ‘women!’ To him and rolling eyes - boys together etc. I’m very close with both my kids and can only hope that my love will be enough as I won’t be able to give them as much as H will when we seperate fully. Yes we are definitely over and tbh if he is seeing someone I don’t really care it’s just the lying and deceit that may have gone on when we were together and trying to make it work.
OEJ so is this post nup a kind of bribe? Sign and I stay don’t sign and I leave? Think with that ultimatum id know what exactly I needed to do ☹️ Why has he come up with this suddenly in the first place. I can’t stress enough that you must not sign that no matter what he promises.

[OEJ1979]

@Nighowl
Agree it is more now the lying. Does make a divorce easier...if he admits it.
Kids always start at 50/50 and then courts work from there. Maybe worth speaking with a solicitor or see if there are any services that can offer for free.
Keep a note of everything he does. Absolutely everything and anything that can help you keep your kids away from seeing what he does to you. They will need a relationship but a couple days a week prevents too much damage.

For me it’s my word against his. And he is very good at manipulating. Even the kids are starting to believe his shit. Especially 9yr son.

The pre nup is blackmail. Basically exactly as you say. Sign I stay don’t I go. It came about because I stopped him purchasing something with most of our cash savings. Asked him not to. Marriage going down the pan and he wanted to use money tying it up and making it not accessible.
So his solicitor suggested this so ‘his’ money and assets are protected. Everything is now his and he is letting me have 1/2.
He thinks I really am stupid!

[Coronade]

Just wanted to give everyone a virtual hug for tomorrow.
I’m dreading it. My friend keeps telling me to just drink lots of fizz and have lots of nice snacks. I’ve already eaten half a box of after eights and loads of cookies so I will probably spend most of it feeling a bit sick 😂😂
Was feeling very sorry for myself today. My 💩 ex took DD up London to see the lights and buy her a present. We would normally have all gone together so felt so sad when they left 😢. He also insisted on taking a pic of them together which I know he will have sent to OW. I’m so pissed off that she (and 💩) have ruined my family Christmas but OW is still having her happy family Christmas (her husband and kids don’t know).
Anyway happy grin on tomorrow, hoping MIL doesn’t stay too long and 💩 ex takes her home early and stays there for a bit. Really want to enjoy Gavin & Stacy in peace.
Good luck everyone and roll on 2020. Onwards and upwards girls 🍀🤞🍀

[millymoo1202]

I got a really shit solicitors letter today and totally had it out with him, sent both kids out. Told him I’ll take my chances in front of a judge, husband is a very high earner who works offshore. I didn’t work for 10 years and then took on part time low paid job to fit in with kids, you can all fill in gaps. Reason for leaving don’t love him and clearly he doesn’t love me as been online chats for over a year which I’d been monitoring!

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

Solidarity from me!

At my outlaws putting a brave face on things. They dare being pleasant enough - I'm pretty sure he won't have told them he'd been shagging the accountant at work

Just need to get through tomorrow morning & then going to my folks.

This will be the last year I have to do this Sh1t!

[OEJ1979]

@millimoo1202 get yourself a good note book and write everything and anything you can think of for your case.
You have been the primary child carer and that will very much stand in your favour and the fact you still work part time around the children.
Don’t change that.

My H is at home. Always. To ensure he gets 50/50 with kids. He is incapable of doing anything for himself but is buying Ds affection. So if anyone asks he would say I want to go to daddy.
I pray to god his natural instinct would be me.
Even tonight putting him to bed daddy gave VERY strict instructions to go to him first. Then mum. Then sister. He called be back and I said go where you want in the morning.
No I have to go to daddy or he will be upset and angry.
Manipulating me is one thing. The kids is something else.
Not a fucking clue how I’m getting through tomorrow.
Been holding it together and now want to curl up and cry cause that shit will run the day.

[Nighowl]

OEJ that’s awful your poor ds. My dad was like this to me as a child and even at a young age I recognised it for what it was ☹️

[Nighowl]

I had a bit of a moment earlier as feeling proper poorly and kids were playing up, but we then ended up playing charades and ds made up a new game where no one can eat any chocolates from the celebrations tub unless they have correctly guessed which one someone else has behind their back! H went out and is still out. I’ve done all the Xmas eve traditions without him. I’m really hoping he goes out tomorrow but then feel bad for the kids if he does 😢