Xmas - separated but still living together

[Nighowl]

Anyone else facing this? I’m dreading Christmas. We decided to separate at the end of September and have been living together since. My anxiety levels are through the roof. I’m organising all of Xmas for the kids and a birthday, upped my working hours, waiting on getting a mortgage approved, looking for houses, trying to hold it together for the kids,but I’m so uncomfortable in my own home. I just want to move and get on with my life but there’s nothing on the market so realistically I’m looking at at least Easter before I’m out.... need a fast forward button

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

How's everyone doing?

It's still grim here; went for solicitor-led mediation where he lied, gaslighted & manipulated.

No further forward.

Had anxiety symptoms last week & sleeping was awful; things are slightly better this week.

I just want it over with......

[PressToChange]

Dainty that's an awful way to speak to your DD. She's probably going through enough already without being treated like trash. Eating disorders are so serious, does he not know that!? My dd was diagnosed last year and I was told it's got a higher death rate than childhood cancer. My DDs started after he hit me (she didn't witness but police arrived etc) and then he went around the house trying to minimise what he'd done, blaming me, giving his side of the story.
Whinetime, mine has been similarly smelly... it's no fun when you're sharing the same home.
Puke, sorry to hear that you're still trapped. I get the tidy for your own sake unfortunately, I have my own space but try to get back into living room as I don't want t to be pushed out of children's lives because I don't want to be near him. Until he upped his meds he has had about three years of disgusting living. I took pictures of his bedroom for proof later and it looks like pictures of hoarders houses only worse. Stuff everywhere. He'd wash bedcovers every blue moon then couldn't be bothered to put them on the bed again so my nice feather duvet is ruined as it slowly yellowed. Urgh. He also can't clean up after himself when cooking either. Dishes and rubbish piled high in the kitchen.
But now he knows I'm serious about ending the marriage he has started to wash, tidy and put stuff in bins and recycling. If he can try now he could try before.
And no he's not going to leave. He is in complete denial. He doesn't agree that it's over.

[Pukeworthy]

#metoo - almost 2yrs stuck with exDH now. I 'walked away' from the marriage with only my personal possessions due to their clever family business set up and my stupidity chucking my lot in with them at 22. As a result i cant afford to live locally and moving from DD isnt happening, no way. I need a good whack to live independently from exDH but 2yrs of hard trying and just lots of money wasted on interviews but no actual role :(

I have my own 'quarters' but end up spending a lot of time in his main house to be with DD. Its really uncomfortable! I'm particularly bitter because i divorced him so i wouldnt have to wipe his fucking arse for him tidy up after him, but the place has turned into an oppressive shit tip so for mine and DDs wellbeing i felt obliged to gut the place

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@daintytoes - the laws are different in Scotland & probably in your favour.

I'm in Edinburgh & have a good lawyer if you want details?

[whinetime89]

Its horrid and not how i ever pictured things working out. Not much at all. His chattiness depends on what he has been drinking however he is turning on a dime so i dont really have much to say to him at all

[daintytoes]

That all sounds so hard whine

Do you have to speak to each other much, or are you able to stay out of each other's way?

[daintytoes]

oh I've absolutely taken a stand about his treatment of my dd. She can drive me up the wall at times but she doesn't deserve this.

He's been told in no uncertain terms that she will not be going anywhere as this is her home

I could ask dd's dad. They've just welcomed a newborn into their family today (my dd's 3rd half sibling on dads side) so I do think it may be a bad time for them. Plus dd is v tricky at the moment and I just don't think it would be appreciated if she were to go over.

I do need to speak with a solicitor and I'm making an appt on Monday.

• stbxh paid 10% deposit for house.
• I very stupidly did not have my name added to mortgage as I was tied in to my old mortgage at the time.
• we married 5 years ago.
• I have contributed my share of the mortgage and bills for the 8 years except for 1.5 years when he paid the lions share due to tricky childcare for my then 9yo dd, impacting my ability to work full time.
• I am due an inheritance in the coming months () circa £46k with a possible additional £42k (I'm in Scotland which is relevant).
• I have paid in to various workplace pensions since age 16, so over 20 years (including nhs pension for 5-6 years).
• stbxh has absolutely no pension at all.

I can't even begin to imagine how we unpick all of that

Thank you the mn handhold.

Hope everyone else is coping ok?

[Nighowl]

@daintytoes that’s awful! Your poor dd. It’s still your home though and he can’t dictate who stays. Also you’re married so surely the house is yours too! You need to get a solicitors advice before you do anything, find out exactly where you stand quickly. How is you Dd with all this? Can she stay with her Dad till it’s sorted? I know you may not want that but it’s awful your dd is being made unwelcome in her own home. I think you should make a stand.... it’s not just his home its yours and dd too

[whinetime89]

What a great thread to find. I amin the same position. Also living with an alcoholic who spends approximately $40 (Australian) a day on alcohol. I have so much animosity, anger snd frustration toward him I can barely look at him. He (and all his stuff) is in the spare room and i am in the new king sized bed. He smells repulsive as he has taken up smoking again. Can't wait for him to move out in jan (apparently(. This is the last thing i ever wanted and am so devastated for my children but I cannot keep living with an alcoholic

[daintytoes]

that sounds awful for you how are you and the kids doing now?

I've seen some pp on here mention about either them or stbx moving out. What's everyone's plans?

I'll be moving out with my dd. It's been made clear to me that that's what's to happen.

[daintytoes]

Thanks everyone for replying last night / today.

Stbxh made things v uncomfortable last night and made dd feel u welcome in her own home. She normally stays with her dad on a Friday night but her SM was in labour so she had dinner with her grandparents then was dropped home.

He answered front door to her and said "I didn't expect to see YOU". She replied "is that a bad thing?".
To which he said "just beat it", before storming in to living room and slamming the door I heard it all from my mattress on spare room floor

She's no angel...she was caught drinking at school Xmas dance, I had to do the walk of shame past the teachers to collect her etc. I'm obviously not happy. However this was over a week ago, and while she has punishments in place, I am able to have a fairly adult conversation with her!

It just cemented my decision even more.

He has now resorted to saying to me that when I'm working my 12 hour shifts she's not welcome in our home as she's not taking any responsibility for her, and she should be with blood relatives. Says he doesn't want to be in the same house as her. I'm furious!!!

She's 16 in a week and doesn't need any looking after at all, in terms of being fed and watered.

I'll be contacting a solicitor on Monday to get the ball rolling. This isn't good for dd. She has anxiety, newly diagnosed bulimia and prelim exams in January.

[Turnedovernewleaf]

Oh Nighowl, sorry to read about your dd being upset but it’s sounds as though you handled it perfectly.

Shouting at the children then leaving the house while they’re upset , that happens here a lot with my ex too. Very frustrating

[Nighowl]

Thanks all. She’s been much better today.... I did ask her what’s she was most worried about and she just said being somewhere different. We were visiting my family all day and literally the second we got in H went straight out for the night. He had a massive go at the kids this morning.... they’ve been arguing alot lately and winding each other up.... however I had dealt with the situation while he was upstairs then he came down shouting swearing threatening to run over the Xbox and cancel art classes. It was just so all over the top especially as he wasn’t even dealing with it so no excuse to loose rag. Then he walks out leaning me with two crying kids!!!

[PressToChange]

That's really hard Nighowl, tough on you both. The husbands/partners just don't have any visibility to these heartbreaking conversations, they get to waltz around, playing victim and in my case blaming me for breaking up the family. (Not his coercive and financial control or DV at all) While we continue to be the adult and stability in the family.

[WildChristmas]

@Nighowl it might help to ask what she is worried about? I’ve already had one break up and had to move with a child, and after a few talks, I realized it was things like... will there be enough room for my toys? Will I still see my friends? Will I see daddy? Will we get a new house? Will I have a bedroom? We can assume a child knows but they don’t and worry about these things. Worth talking to your DD again and saying it will be okay and to ask any questions and mum won’t mind.

Such a stress though isn’t it. We have to take care of ourselves somehow. I’m pushing for separation but DP stalls a lot and it will be a disaster if I have to move out of the house. Hoping he will agree to move out temporarily.

[OEJ1979]

@Nighowl your DD sounds a wonderful caring young girl. Which is a testament to you.
On some other chats this morning I’ve expressed my fears regarding DC.
In the back of my mind just like you I’m sure we know for the children to get the best from us as mothers we have have to leave.
It sounds like you have a close bond with her and that will keep you both going through this tough time.
I hope she feels better this morning

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

@Nighowl - that's really tough.

I'm having to move too, but there is nothing locally within budget & it could mean relocation.

I'm absolutely dreading the impact on DC - particularly my 11 year old, he is settled in the area with good friends, clubs, and both DC are settled in after school club.

The thought of changing all of that is horrific. And I'll need to be working f/t too instead of part-time.

So many shite choices......

[Nighowl]

I had a tough night last night with my dd. She was crying her eyes out at bedtime saying she’s worried about moving and the possibility of moving away. If we move out the area it will only be about 10 mins away but she has always lived here so totally understand her fears. I felt pretty useless as what could I say? I said she’d get a new bedroom and yes change is hard and no I couldn’t say exactly where we will move to but promised she would be kept up to date and would visit the new house before we moved and could pick paint for the walls...it’s so hard as I can’t make her any promises, I don’t want her worrying ☹️ And then she said this ‘ I do t want you worrying either mummy’’ She has such an old head on her 8year old shoulders sometimes. I feel so guilty.

[Nighowl]

@daintytoes you’ve taken the first step and made your feelings clear by moving into the spare room. Take a while to get you finances in order before saying anything, because once you say you want out things tend to move quick. So get a plan in action. It will be tough, and I think everyone else agrees on that.... probably the hardest time of your life but think of the future. That’s my only way of getting through this, knowing that in 6 months to a year things will be different. Find your strength and you’ll find your happiness x

[MakeMineALargeProsecco]

I can relate to the wasted decade, dainty & not trusting your instincts.

If I'd trusted mine & left a decade ago, I'd probably have met someone else & been a damn sight happier too. But we can't go back....

But in all likelihood I wouldn't have had DC as I was 36, so I can't regret that I stayed.

And it's not easy to leave when you have 2 lots of childcare & a large mortgage. I could never have managed economically.

It has taken me years to get to the point of leaving & if I'd not had children I'd have been off years ago.

Mine left his mediation paperwork lying around. It's just lies & he's been avoiding all communication, if he would sit down to a conversation then it could have been resolved much earlier.

He has been saying he can buy me out the house, but the reality is he can't. He says I've not shared the rental income from my flat (utter lies) and that he paid the full deposit for the current house from the sale of his flat (I paid 1/2 the mortgage on his sodding flat).

So the reality is that we have to sell up as neither can buy each other out. But he's been talking about telling the children that it wasn't his choice!

So fed up of being lied to and manipulated!

So I went on a run & that helped a lot.

Here's to getting rid of the fuckers in 2020!

[daintytoes]

I'll reply properly tomorrow as I have a 7am start in the morning.

Just had to say though.... I prefer the old mattress. he bought the new one on a whim without consulting me and it's like a brick! I'm more than happy here

[PressToChange]

Dainty really sorry for what you are going through. It makes you wonder why he actually wants to stay if doesn't join in, open gifts etc. You will know what ultimately needs to happen, you just have to be in the right head space to do it. Only you know if you have the strength right now. I wish I'd started this process 10 years ago when something happened, then three years ago when his behaviour deteriorated and then 14 months ago when incident of domestic violence. I don't want to live with regrets but I would have had 10 years of a very different life if I'd gone with my instinct 10 years ago. I may not be any happier than I am today but at least it would have been an opportunity to have a happy life.
If you've got the old mattress back in you should blooming well swap it for the new one and if you are in the spare room, at least have the best mattress.
We are all deserving of a happy life.

[daintytoes]

Hi can I join please? I know the big day has already passed, but I can definitely empathise with pp's stories.

Been married 5 years and I have a 15yo dd (stbxh's sd).

Life has gradually been getting more unbearable at home. I don't know if stbxh has always been so stubborn and a little controlling but I've seven seeing a different side to him these last 1-2 years.

He has absolutely no tolerance for my dd. She's a grumpy teen who is rebelling against all the adults in her life. She's had anxiety for a few years and 2 years of counselling did not help. She takes these anxious feelings out on those closest to her. She has also recently been diagnosed with bulimia life has been quite difficult.

This has been made even worse by stbxh's lack of any type of tolerance for her. I prefer to pick my battles while he'll hit the roof at every eye roll etc. It doesn't mean what she is doing is right however I cannot love in a house where I'm constantly on edge because of the behaviour of the both of them.

We've been told that in terms of the bulimia she is v unwell I have asked him to try go a bit easier on her but he won't. I also lost my DF this year (I find him at home), and this is my first Xmas without him.

Stbxh decided he'd stay home instead of coming to my sister's, as planned. He didn't get me and Xmas gift and has refused to open the ones I got him..still under the tree. Refused to join in our usual Xmas eve traditions etc.

For weeks now I have swithered and hesitated about what to do but the complete lack of support this Xmas has been the final nail in the coffin.

We got a new mattress and put the old one in the garage until he clears his work van to take it to the dump. I've dragged it back in and upstairs and I'm now sleeping in that (on the floor) in spare room. I've had enough.

I too will be looking for somewhere else to live after the new year. He has already made it clear that the house is his. He paid the deposit when I was still living in my own flat, then we moved in together shortly afterwards, been here 8 years now. And I've paid my share of the mortgage and bills since. I think I'm going to have a fight on my hands.

I hope everyone is continuing to remain strong

[PressToChange]

The strength of character and resilience that everyone is showing is just astonishing. I feel like this holiday has finished me off. I have flu, chest infection and face full of cold sores. I think sometimes the body just says it's too much no matter how strong you yet try to be. We're on holiday in familiar place and in many ways I feel it's so easy to slip back into the pattern of years gone by, is it worth splitting up the family because actually I've been pretending for a very long time. Then he opens his mouth and I know I can't do this anymore.
He makes every event so stressful and I feel like I can now see through him and the brainwashing. For example he's always been a really great excellent cook. Why do I think that? Because he tells me his. In reality he is good but now I feel I see him for what he is. A nothing that hypes himself up and I've believed it. This year while Christmas lunch was being served one of the children asked what the potatoes were like and asked if they were like mine. For context I don't do much of the family cooking, I generally do the children's meals but not a family thing like a Sunday lunch as he is so great. Recently I've started to cook a few Sunday lunches. Guess what? They were really good and the children loved them. I told my dd that I'd cook is a proper lunch when we got home and she was excited. It's stupid isn't it but I'm starting to realise what I can do!
Sorry Nighowl about your discovery. It must hurt and make you angry but use it positively to steel your resolve to get this sorted in the new year.
OEJ, your sounds v similar to mine. For the first year did most of the Christmas gifts. Thousands spent. (And also quite unequal spending etc which had led to tears and me smoothing things over) But equally pissing us all off by controlling the day. I too hope they see through this when it comes to the future arrangements.

[OEJ1979]

You have every right to be angry. Stay angry. Speak to your solicitor to see if it makes you entitled to more. I’m not sure it does but it makes the whole divorce easy.
If the women you think it is married?
Like to know what her hubby thinks?

Survived day 2.
As not officially separated everything is that much harder. Still have 12 days before kids go back to Sch and as he doesn’t work 12 days he will not leave the house as he thinks I poison them against him.

New year is going to be interesting. The four of us at home? All my family are away so his parents will probably come over. Joy