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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Husband left after 6 weeks of marriage - new info

82 replies

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 05:21

Hello all

I originally posted when my husband of 6 weeks left me. He gave me no real explanation other than our relationship was an unhappy one and moved to his mother and stepdads place. We have an almost 3 year old DS together.

After trying to talk it came about that my mental health had been one of the things that had led us down that path. I didn't deal with my depression when it first surfaced after my son was born and it got progressively worse. I am now in a better place mentally.

After being gone 9 weeks, DH had a huge falling out with his stepdad and left. He asked to come home as he had nowhere to go. He's in the spare room and although we've been getting on really well, we're not together.

My update is this: I have never been one to snoop but after going out all weekend to his friends and staying out - something he hates doing...i logged onto his laptop. I found messages between him and a friend and DH admitted to having an affair with a mutual friend of theirs for 9 months - before we got married. She is also very recently married to her husband (they got married in June this year and my DH and I in May). In the messages were no feeling of guilt just trying to justify it. Telling him they are crazy about each other, that was why he left me but she was deciding whether to leave her husband.

When he returned today, he left his apple watch on charge whilst cutting the grass so I took the opportunity to have a look
He had messages from another girl he recently started working with, flirty in nature - mainly on his part - turns out she's a teenager (my DH is 32). I can't get my head around this.. The new girl is only since we seperated but the girl he's having an affair with - if he's crazy about her and left his marriage for her then why message another girl? This is not the man I've known for 6 years.. I have no idea who he is anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 09:51

He's due an inheritance when his grandad passes... Is it wrong to delay divorce in the hope that happens before - sorry that's morbid!!! I love his grandad and hope it doesn't. He gave me password in the past so I'm pretty safe.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 09:58

@AddictedProcrastinatorMan this is very sound advice thanks. I want to remain in a positive place and ultimately I'm sure that causing damage won't help with the revelation or making me feel better. I'm strangely calm as I suspected he was - although he was very careful to keep it hidden - I purely thought it because he never wanted sex, I'd asked a few times and he denied it but it was a feeling so let it drop. My son is at the heart of everything I do and I don't want him to suffer at all.

I just want to see him squirm I guess and I do want to hear what he says about it all. I feel extremely deceived and that my life and marriage has been based on lies. It's not the act but the lies that hurts.

OP posts:

DrBlackbird · 23/09/2019 10:02

But I want to see his face when i tell him I know..

Please be extremely careful about what you say and how you say it. You said you want to see his face when you told him and want to mess with his mother. This desire for payback is completely understandable but 31ruecambon had sensible advice.

This is no disrespect to you OP (more a compliment) but your exH is far more calculating and devious than you and deep down is an anger filled person. Whatever you think he may do in response to any confrontation, it's likely to be much worse. Keeping it civil but clear boundaries is ultimately better for you and your dc.

squeakybike · 23/09/2019 10:04

As I mentioned in a PP you won't be entitled to anything. Your marriage lasted 6 weeks and you're separated.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 10:09

@DrBlackbird I don't want to mess with his mother... She would be devestated. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want this whole welcome with open arms please bring your mistress to Christmas table. She might already know. I don't want an argument with him. About it.. Nor do I want to while my son is around but I want to hear it from the horses mouth.

@squeakybike are you sure... I thought assets were equally split at the time of the divorce and that time in the relationship counted as time together before the marriage

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 23/09/2019 10:13

Get legal advice before you do anything, op. Proper legal advice.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 10:16

Yes I'm going to get some

OP posts:

squeakybike · 23/09/2019 10:21

@Fth180519 nope. I spoke to a solicitor and they said I'd be entitled to nothing.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 23/09/2019 10:23

Absolutely what AF said. Consider the opinions and experiences shared on MN but act upon independent, qualified legal advice.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 10:30

I will. I've looked @squeakybike and I think you're right however the courts would look to do the best for the children. I don't care if 8 get anything other than maintenance from him anyway. I want this chapter of my life closed. So I can move on.

OP posts:

MrsMaiselsMuff · 23/09/2019 10:30

The starting point for a divorce is 50%, but then all the circumstances are taken into account, and that amount could potentially reduce the proportion to zero. I'd be very surprised if you got anywhere near 50% of an inheritance that was received after you split and after such a very short marriage.

The time before marriage is not usually taken into account because unmarried couples do not have the same rights.

You can ask him to leave the family home, but he does have a right to live there.

Your wish to see him suffer is understandable, but you need to put that aside and focus on what is best for you and your child. You need housing and an income. You'll be entitled to child maintenance from your ex, but other than that you'll need to get a job and/ or claim benefits.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 10:52

I work...part time for childcare so that's earnings I've lost during the last 2 years. Surely that's got to count for something?

Found out he's been paying for ow prescriptions too.

OP posts:

PeoplesPoet · 23/09/2019 10:59

Op I'm right there with you, I know how much it hurts, how your blood runs cold, how you feel sick and dizzy. This is what mine did, saw the same kind of stuff on his phone after he started taking it to the toilet ... giving it more attention than me & his kids. I NEVER snooped before that, had no reason to. There were months worth of flirthing. Pages and pages with the new girl from work, the only person he'd not mentioned working with. 10 years younger than me.

A bit of attention, a smile, from another girl and that's all that it takes with some men and that's worth wrecking his marriage - leaving his own kids. Save your dignity (seriously I wish I had, I begged and grovelled and cried, what an absolute loser I was) and chuck him out of the door, out of your life.

I am SO glad I didn't marry him. But I did have kids with him, and that's the only good thing that came from ever meeting him because they are incredible boys. Whereas I don't regret them & never would - I regret that he's their dad. You'd NEVER have guessed he'd have been such a bad one. Even at the start, really hands on with the newborns... but then.. a bit of attention from a new female. Now he's gone.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 11:08

I'm. Sorry that happened to you people'spoet - won't let me tag. It's an awful feeling. But I do not want to be in any kind of relationship with him. I'd begged before I knew about this... When he left and claimed it was just my behaviour. I will not beg, cry or even get angry when I confront him. I want him to know I know.

OP posts:

AMAM8916 · 23/09/2019 12:19

Ok so this guy is trying to get a woman to leave her very new marriage but all the while he's messaging the teenage girl from his work?

He is an absolutely self absorbed twat! Not only for what he has done to you but for what he is doing to this woman as well. So he's going to have ruined 2 marriages, 2 women's lives and another man's (her husband) all for what?

I am tempted to say it's karma for her for having an affair with a taken man but where is his karma?

PicsInRed · 23/09/2019 13:02

As I mentioned in a PP you won't be entitled to anything. Your marriage lasted 6 weeks and you're separated.

Not strictly true.

The marriage is 6 weeks, but the relationship is 3 years and they have a child together.

This marriage, whilst heartbreaking for the OP, is also potentially the best thing that could have happened under the circumstances as she will receive a legal settlement as a married mother, rather than an unmarried one.

As AF said, get good legal advice and take everything you can get. Any goodwill of feckless bastards like this doesn't last long - even for the support of their own children.

Take him to school.

squeakybike · 23/09/2019 13:09

Well I didn't get a legal settlement and I was also married with a child.

I was just left with a shit tonne of debt from being made homeless. Best thing I've got from my divorce is the courts have made him pay the fees after he demanded I pay 50%.

He also had inheritance. Did I get any? Nope.

madcatladyforever · 23/09/2019 13:16

OMG that's horrible what a scum bag, no wonder you have mental health problems he sounds awful.
The cheek of him blaming your problems for him moving out.
Sling him out, I guarantee you will start feeling better right away.

sandyvacancy · 23/09/2019 14:07

Time spent living together before marriage counts as long as it’s unbroken. This was advice from my (very good and expensive!) solicitor less than a month ago.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 23/09/2019 15:37

We had been together 6 years living together for 5.

Yes he's a selfish narcissistic arsehole.. Both he and OW are in that nature. Self absorbed.

His karma is this:
He's in love with this woman - the fantasy, the excitement. She drinks champagne, looks like a model, goes on exotic holidays.. All at the expense of her much older husband. They live in a huge house with her salon running from. Their property. They have a cinema room, hottub. Basically loaded. That's the lifestyle she is used to. The Instagram fakery showoff mess. They met as they both have a cosplay hobby. (dressing up like superheroes at comic conventions and photo shoots) because they are narcissists and love attention. They have only this in common. My husband can't give her that lifestyle. Wouldn't want that lifestyle. Hates luxury, happy with a takeaway pizza and a film. Hates travel hates sun hates exercise and spas. He has a lot of debt and a wife and child to support. He can't even afford to rent a place of his own. That is why he is back living in our home. He thinks in a few months time, she will leave her husband and they will be together and come out as a couple when enough time has passed, he also said I can never know about the cheating even after they come out as a couple - he can't stand not being the good guy in his story....but she is dragging her heels from the messages I've read and based on his demeanor and actions this weekend her decision has been to stay with her husband i think but not certain...as I would imagine he would have left here to be with her. She just wants to fuck him behind her hubbies back - as my husband has the gift of the gab and can be very charming. He has given her the attention she craves and listened to her sob story about her husband not being interested in her as a person and using her as a trophy, she has listened to his dreading coming home being with me for our son, sex less, arguments. I've been described in the messages as toxic and he's so happy he got out.
But she will not want to give up her lavish lifestyle or business for my husband to be poor and live in a rented terrece in Middlesborough. Because he thinks he's a lethario now.. The other girl, who he has heard has a crush on him at work, has come into the picture when he's realised he can't have the OW fully. I know, as he's only met the teenager since moving offices, that this is since we have seperated.

In a nutshell he left me to be with OW... Slowly over the weeks he then watched her go on honeymoon with her husband... Not have much contact with her.. Met this teenager and when they all find out about this fucked up pentagon were in... None will want him. He's out on the street with nowhere to go and doesn't get to see his son as often and has become the man he hates most in this world... His biological father.

OP posts:

Miniloso · 23/09/2019 16:49

What a loser he is! Incapable of being on his own and now will soon have nothing. He deserves it!!!

PicsInRed · 23/09/2019 22:23

He's a saddo. A stupid one.

That 5 years cohabitation counts as part of the length of marriage.

5 years + small child = settlement.

Thank goodness for you he's such a giant thicky.

Original poster

Fth180519 · 24/09/2019 09:08

It came out. I couldn't hold it any longer. On the eve of our sons 3rd birthday. He denied it for 20 minutes while I let little details I knew out until he had to admit it. I told him someone told me. He doesn't know who to trust. My in laws have known, his friends... Not one thought to tell me or even tell him to do the right thing. That hurts more than anything.

He said they love each other, had sex mainly in her car but talked too. Not dated. She is still unsure whether to leave her husband. The other girl he doesn't know why he messaged. Claims the woman he's had the affair with knows about the teenager. I doubt that.

Told him to find somewhere else to go. I don't want him here. Gave me a sob story about not wanting to be him and wanting to die... But it's bullshit. He's all about him. Narcissist. Glad I'm out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fth180519 · 24/09/2019 09:09

But I was calm.. Didn't lose my temper. Called him on his shit. I'm proud of how I have handed this.

OP posts:

Miniloso · 24/09/2019 09:12

Well done OP! Stay strong. Each day is a day getting stronger and towards a great life without this mess of a man.

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