Husband left after 6 weeks of marriage - new info

[Fth180519]

Hello all

I originally posted when my husband of 6 weeks left me. He gave me no real explanation other than our relationship was an unhappy one and moved to his mother and stepdads place. We have an almost 3 year old DS together.

After trying to talk it came about that my mental health had been one of the things that had led us down that path. I didn't deal with my depression when it first surfaced after my son was born and it got progressively worse. I am now in a better place mentally.

After being gone 9 weeks, DH had a huge falling out with his stepdad and left. He asked to come home as he had nowhere to go. He's in the spare room and although we've been getting on really well, we're not together.

My update is this: I have never been one to snoop but after going out all weekend to his friends and staying out - something he hates doing...i logged onto his laptop. I found messages between him and a friend and DH admitted to having an affair with a mutual friend of theirs for 9 months - before we got married. She is also very recently married to her husband (they got married in June this year and my DH and I in May). In the messages were no feeling of guilt just trying to justify it. Telling him they are crazy about each other, that was why he left me but she was deciding whether to leave her husband.

When he returned today, he left his apple watch on charge whilst cutting the grass so I took the opportunity to have a look
He had messages from another girl he recently started working with, flirty in nature - mainly on his part - turns out she's a teenager (my DH is 32). I can't get my head around this.. The new girl is only since we seperated but the girl he's having an affair with - if he's crazy about her and left his marriage for her then why message another girl? This is not the man I've known for 6 years.. I have no idea who he is anymore.

LTB
Well, kick the bastard out, to be more precise

I'm so sorry you're going through this, I don't have all that much useful advice other than to say when I was at point about 6 years ago where my depression was at its lowest and I couldn't even get out of bed, my now ex h had a long running emotional affair (not certain it wasn't more) and he was never really there to be any kind of support for me and for years he blamed the depression and me not being there for him as to why he did that, it's not until now and I recently left him that I realise how awful that he blamed my depression for his wrong doings, please don't stand for that ever

He needs to leave. Have you spoken or made any agreements on working to get back together. Do you want to? Does he? He's not behaving like he cares for you or your marriage

What a cunt

No big surprise there are (multiple) OW at the bottom of this "change in character"

And a teenager too. You are well rid of this loser.

Yep get him to pack his bags now

I would check to see if you can annul the marriage. If this is possible take this option.
He needs to leave, toddy.
He had been stringing you on for months, lied and blamed you and your mh. Its unforgivable

Hi everyone thankyou for the support.

He doesn't yet know I know. I'm bidding my time until I am clear what I am going to say and whether I give him a chance to explain. I want to hear what pathetic excuse he has for it all. Plus I want to cause maximum damage for him.. Wait until he has no time to sort accommodation (we're off work on leave this week) lts also our DS birthday tomorrow so don't want that ruined with all of this.

I have screenshots relating to the affair but not the girl at work. I will get them though if he hasn't deleted them.

No we haven't made plans to get back together but the 4 weeks he's been back started us being very seperate. He now spends most evenings with me and we've chatted, watched TV he even got drunk and said he hated who he was and that's why he did cosplay (dressing up like superheroes at comic cons - and where he met OW) to escape from who he was.

I feel totally used. His messages between his friend talking about it, there was no mention of me and guilt until the friend asked if I knew.. My husband said, she'll never know. When OW leaves husband we'll wait a while before going public - sick fuck!

The housing situation and divorce situation. Is shit. I have to be married a year to start divorce. We're both in a lot of debt so I couldn't afford to rent. And our house is a mortgage we took out this time last year so we would likely be in negative equity or zero.

The mental health front is the one positive thing - other than my DS - to come out of this mess. I've been going to therapy and taking antidepressants too which means I'm coping a lot better. If I'd found thus out a few weeks ago when I felt suicidal. And the police were called for welfare checks - I would have likely followed through. But now I feel strong and empowered

I dont want to annul the marriage as that means I would lose any entitlement to what is mine

No wonder you were depressed. In the final years of my marriage I thought I was suffering from depression as well, it was only after we split up that I realised it was situational - driven by living with someone who had become cold and pushed away all efforts at restoring closeness.

Don't let him live with you, no matter what the arrangement. The very fact that he's there will be affecting your self-esteem. You need to be strong now, and send him back to his parents. Not your problem he had a falling out with his step-father. He's treating you like a doormat, don't let him.

Do not give him a chance to ‘explain’ as he will lie to you.

What a shitbag. I can't believe he blamed it on your mental health when he was actually cheating on you.

Kick him out - you don't owe him a single favour.

Oh what a grub! I’d be telling OW’s husband and sending screenshots AND informing DH’s work. He’s being really icky.

Why the hell would you inform his employer

Icky ? Are you 5 !

I'm bidding my time until I am clear what I am going to say and whether I give him a chance to explain

There is no explanation that is good enough to excuse his behaviour towards you OP, cheating and then blaming your MH, at a time when you are still vulnerable is abuse imo. Get sti checked and get to a solicitor for sound legal advice, get financial advice, screenshots of everything saved to a secure email address that he does not know about. You have the upper hand here, so play it wisely.

And for fuck sakes stop the cosy wine drinking and chats on the sofa of an evening, he is still manipulating you, realise that he is cosying up to you because the OW was a coward and didn't dump her husband, you are there in front of him and to be blunt if he gets to fuck you it's no skin off his nose if you get hurt again.

Also consider how confusing this is to your DC that DH is moving in and out at his leisure depending on who is available to amuse him, put a stop to all this and protect yourself and DC.

Signed someone who had a partner cheat then blamed my MH, I worked to move forward and forgive, found out that he never stopped cheating, don't be me.

The cosy wine drinking was before I found out....im trying to avoid him but not arouse suspicion. I have the upper hand and I plan to play it with maximum damage and consequence for him without it affecting me or my son financially. I'm gutted my son will be confused and I am scared hell refuse to go... I have the leverage of telling all everything so that's a plus.

I'm going to make him leave.. But I want to see his face when i tell him I know... When I tell his mother who will be devestated as he has done to me what his biological dad did to him..

The world will know when im finished. But I want to mess with her a bit first... Pulling a will she won't she tell my husband..

i logged onto his laptop.

This is illegal. Lookup the misuse of computers act.

www.sqa.org.uk/e-learning/ProfIssues02CD/page_07.htm

Also, yes planning on getting tested for STI and free legal advice. I'm Already pretty clued up on the financial side as did this when he left.

So all those people saying you have the upper hand and storing the information. I would be very careful about doing that.

@wijjjy that's work computers... It wasn't work it was personal.

It's for any computer that you don't have permission to use. It's not just work.

I wasn't going to tell him i did that. I'm going to tell him someone messaged me and sent me screenshots..

What a horrible situation OP and well done on looking after yourself and your dc. There's been some good advice here and it's sensible not to reveal your cards too soon.

Your DH sounds like my ex bil. Turns out his avowed self hatred didn't lead to any change in behaviour. In fact, he turned out to be capable of some extremely nasty actions when confronted and corned with evidence of his affair. The nastiest was trying to get my sil sectioned for her MH (she had suffered PND as well). So be careful. Initial consultation with a lawyer is usually free.

Re your exh spending evenings with you also sounds like my exbil as he was always extremely charming and friendly whenever the woman (and there was / is always some woman) was useful to him in some way. What was scary was how he could 'switch off' at the drop of a hat when that usefulness stopped.

If he gave her his password then she has permission to log on, surely.

Honestly I'd just tell him that having him around again has madenyou realise how dull he is and you're glad you didn't end up stuck in a log marriage with someone who bores you so much.

If what he says about hating himself is true, that will hurt him more than knowing youre pissed off about his cheating. Dont give him the ego boost, tell him he's dull and pathetic and you're relieved its ended quickly.

You might as well get it annulled. If your name is on the house then that financially will still be sorted. As for anything else, you won't be entitled to anything else even when you get divorced as the marriage ended in 6 weeks.

My marriage lasted two months. I was with him for almost 7 years with a child. He got inheritance two months after we split and I'm not entitled to anything whatsoever. My divorce will be finalised in about 6 weeks. It's just not worth the hassle. We split back in Jan 2018. It's unnecessarily time consuming.

That's an awful turn of events for you Fth180519. It mus be a roller coaster of emotions, from getting married, to the early demise of that, his departure, the impact on your son and how things were going well when he returned.

It is brilliant that you have bounced back from your lowest moment.

It must be confusing and emotional to learn of this affair, as he is not who you thought him to be and what happened in your marriage is not what you thought.

I think you should take some time to take this news in and start the healing process. This man remains your son's father and whether on a false premise or not, you have given your son a great gift by getting along with his father.

What you descibe in causing pain to your husband, clearly is rvenge. Revenge means that you will have to focus on negativity and this is usually all consuming. By trying to cause hurt to him and the other woman, I do not think it will cause you to be happier. It is likely to impact your relationship with others, which will be a disadvantage for your son. Your son is only 3 and this woman could end up being his step mother. Acrimonity between them and you in the long run will impact you and your son, as I do not think you can stop them being in his life.

Ultimately, I think the people in your husband's and the other woman's lives will remain with them despite knowledge of the affair and will rationalise it. If they become estranged or hated, this will not help you anyway.

If they go to war with with ou, they may spin it so that you are portrayed as someone who led him to the affair.

Finally, I know this will be unpopular and hard to hear, but perhaps he is repeating what he saw in his family as I think physcologically there is a greater chance of history repaeting itself as we do what we see. I know there will be others whose parent/s cheated and they are very loyal.

For you, I think you should work on forgiveness. Take some time to feel a bit better and focus on what will make you and your son feel good. WHat will make you stronger in the long-term and happier. That is more edifing for the mond and soul. Plus you have done nothing wrong. Revenge leaves a nasty feeling as you have to get embroilled in scheming and cauing harm.

You're the innocent pary, remain so and be clean. I am sure your life will improve in you will feel much better in the future. At least you know what happened and are no longer being deceived.