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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband thinks relationships supposed to be easy

57 replies

Melanie1811 · 21/09/2019 07:24

We are about to divorce. I love him, but his main argument is that marriage should flow and be easy Hmm. How to explain that is bull? I’m putting in the work and he doesn’t . I’m not sure if he really thinks that or just want to get out ?! Thoughts?

OP posts:
LisaSimpsonsbff · 21/09/2019 07:26

How long have you been together? To be honest, I agree with him that, certainly in the early days, it should be easy. Life won't always be easy but that should be a shared challenge, not something the relationship is making harder.

EmrysAtticus · 21/09/2019 07:28

Sometimes our marriage is hard but that's when other things in life are hard. So it was hard when DS was a baby and we hadn't slept properly in months. It's hard if we have had particularly stressful weeks at work etc. However mostly our marriage does just flow.

nrpmum · 21/09/2019 07:28

I also agree that a relationship should be easy. Sure there'll be ups and downs but you shouldn't be working against each other.

MaidenMotherCrone · 21/09/2019 07:30

I agree with your husband.

boujie · 21/09/2019 07:31

I think it depends on what you mean by 'easy', but in general I think relationships should be. I don't mean that couples will never face challenges that they have to work through, but I think if you find that you're always arguing, or that you have wildly different expectations of each other, or you're always battling to communicate, it's probably a sign that the relationship isn't right.

I hope you're ok Thanks

Tilltheendoftheline · 21/09/2019 07:36

When people say this I often wonder what each persons interpretation is what it means.

I certainly felt like you with exh. It wasnt ever going to be easy and that was realistic. So I tried and tried. Now I am divorced I can see so many times I should have just left.

I am with dp and I have to say, it's not easy, but it flows. If he has pissed me off we talk about it. Same if I have pissed him off. We are both happy to compromise, to make the other happy. Both do housework, childcare, shopping etc.

Exh did his fair share too. But everything was challenge, or someone was unhappy. He wouldnt compromise anything. I had to think about everything I said and did.

Life isnt perfect with dp, I am nor perfect either. We have had times it's been harder than normal. Moving in together, took adjusting. But it's good and I would say that overall it is easy. Both of our main focus is our happiness. Joint happiness. If I really cant compromise on something I can tell him why. Exh was abusive. Theres certain things I just cant do. But I can explain to dp why and he accepts it. He sometimes disagrees with me on a fundamental level to we work through it together with view of us both being happy.

Maybe your husband is wrong. Maybe he is actually right. But if only you are prepared to work at it, your marriage is definitely harder than it needs to be and it wont ever work.

AdultHumanFemale · 21/09/2019 07:37

What bit about the relationship is it that he believes should be easy?
If you divvy up housework and both do what you agreed on, and find that it's the getting along bit that's hard, then I think he has a point. DP and I have always been great at getting things done, and pull equal weight in the running of our home and family, but boy, he's hard work on the 'relationship' front; prickly, over thinking, fragile self esteem. I'm getting to the point where I am inclined to agree with your DH. Just getting along should at least be easy, given everything else is ticking along.

emilybrontescorsett · 21/09/2019 07:39

I’m also inclined to agree with your dh.

Happyspud · 21/09/2019 07:41

What some people fail to realise is that they are the reason it’s not easy, it’s not the relationship. But yes, relationships should really be easy and comfortable most of the time.

I’d say you’re well shot. I bet you made all the effort?

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 21/09/2019 07:44

Surely you’ve got to be good friends first. I may have the odd niggle with my DH but we have shared values and get along well. Life can sometimes be tough, small kids, heavy workload, sick family, but we are a team against this.

When you say ‘put the work in’, yes to life, but not try try and like each other.

Teachermaths · 21/09/2019 07:45

It should mostly be easy. There can be hard times with illness, stress, work etc. But for the most part marriage should be easy.

What is making marriage hard for you both? What sort of work do you think you are doing?

Lorddenning1 · 21/09/2019 07:47

I would say the hard things are external factors like are out of your control, the relationship on the whole should be easier and not hard. What are the fall outs/hardships about?

AllThreeWays · 21/09/2019 07:48

My late partner used to complain that it should be easy.
What he meant by that, was that he shouldn't ever be challenged on any obnoxious behaviour. So it really does depend on the context.

Elodie2019 · 21/09/2019 07:50

I agree with him.
Life is hard. The stuff life throws at you is hard but relationships and friendships should be easygoing. The way you support & help each other dealing with the shit life throws at you is your comfort. What's the point otherwise?

Original poster
Melanie1811 · 21/09/2019 07:50

We never argue or fight. The main issue is family time spent together. I try to organise family day out at least every two weeks-he refuses to go and says no I’m general to spending time with me. I said he needs to start putting some effort in making time Confused

OP posts:
PuffHuffle5 · 21/09/2019 07:50

I think for the most part it should ‘flow and be easy’. Obviously everyone has their off days or rough patches - but it certainly shouldn’t be constant struggle and effort, what’s the point in that? Sounds pretty miserable Confused

Elodie2019 · 21/09/2019 07:52

and says no I’m general to spending time with me. I said he needs to start putting some effort in making time

I don't understand this

Butterymuffin · 21/09/2019 07:52

Does he pull his weight with the kids? Because my first interpretation of his point is 'you're asking me to do more stuff and I don't like it. I quit'

Original poster
Melanie1811 · 21/09/2019 07:53

I meant that he should stop being lazy and actually do stuff with me and his son

OP posts:
madroid · 21/09/2019 07:55

My ex used to say this. What he meant was that no one should disagree with him.

Are you sure you still love him OP? You may find that feeling passes very quickly once you've left.

AllThreeWays · 21/09/2019 07:58

If you are about to divorce, why does he have to go to planned activities with you? I would assume that you would each have separate time with DC.
Socialising and pretending to be chummy with a STBX is hard work.

Original poster
Melanie1811 · 21/09/2019 07:58

Maybe. I am really struggling. This week we were both off work. Twice a day I asked him out and he never did Sad but then he says he loves meConfused

OP posts:
Original poster
Melanie1811 · 21/09/2019 07:59

I meant that I can’t go like this and will divorce if nothing changes

OP posts:
BookwormMe2 · 21/09/2019 07:59

What reason does he give for doing these days out?

BookwormMe2 · 21/09/2019 07:59

Sorry, for not doing these days out?