Husband thinks relationships supposed to be easy

[Melanie1811]

We are about to divorce. I love him, but his main argument is that marriage should flow and be easy . How to explain that is bull? I’m putting in the work and he doesn’t . I’m not sure if he really thinks that or just want to get out ?! Thoughts?

If you don't really spend time together it's pretty easy not to argue, no? That doesn't mean much.

Spending time with the person you're in a relationship with should be the easy part, but he's refusing? If he can't be bothered to do that then there's no point you banging your head against the wall trying to make him.

I agree relationships aren't easy they shouldn't always be difficult but they take work and I mean any relationship sometimes we have go visit family / friends/ do things we maybe dont really want to to keep the relationships going / make effort / make the other people happy ect I think its unrealistic to think if 2 people make no effort in any relationship ( spouse/ friends,/ family ) the relationship will fail.

I meant that he should stop being lazy and actually do stuff with me and his son

Ah, so he's a lazy arse and wants an 'easy' life & do his own thing whilst you go it alone with your DS?

In that case, his definition of 'easy' is opting out. Lazy pig.

Are you about to actually divorce or discussing separating?

I meant that he should stop being lazy and actually do stuff with me and his son

Sounds like you should be wanting the divorce, not him...

Tired, stressed, needs to do grocery, ..... it’s been always hard time to get him to go out after our son was born 3 years ago ... but it’s been too much lately and I feel terrible being turned down so often (twice a day last week)

We are discussing separation / divorce...

My ex husband thought that too op. But he was a selfish so and so. He was raised in a family where the mum put dad first. Whilst I understand it from one point of view, I do wonder if it affected exH and his brother and they are both incredibly selfish individuals.

Both cheated, ex BIL left his wife when she was pregnant and my ex as I have discovered cheated from about a few years in with countless women. His cheated on the women the ultimately left me for with others as well . Ex was - is - very good at pathos.

Ex MIL left an abusive marriage in the middle east but also has a different out look marriage and raising children. It clearly affected exH and ex BIL.

Whilst I miss huge parts of my married life, ultimately no matter what I did he was not willing to put in the same amount of work and he was always going to cheat. (He spends money to make himself feel better, so much so that he got into debt to the tune of thousands of pounds - again because of his upbringing - but that is a whole different thread I suspect.

I am sorry for you OP it is a horrible feeling when someone you love and thought loved you back doesn't feel like putting in the amount of work into something so special as marriage.

Relationships need work because we change as people as we age. It sounds like you need a conversation with your husband about what he wants and how he expects it to happen. If he wants days out then they need to be planned as with more than just two of you it doesn't just happen. If he wants time with just the two of you how does the childcare get sorted? It sounds like something else is going on underneath. Mid life crisis? Children taking up a lot of time and energy? Problems at work?

Our relationship is arguments free. My son loves him, we have great sex life (every day yay). But this is becoming so much I always do stuff alone. My family from aboard visits and I see them without him while my siblings come with partners. Parks alone, eating out alone ....I don’t expect much - just two family days out together a month and Christmas and holidays but he is failing to do any of that for a two years now

I think life is hard but my marriage is easy

What was your DH's upbringing like? My DP isn't a fan of what he calls 'enforced fun' - ie, structured, 'you must come or else', planned-ages-ahead days out, because he has horrible memories of being dragged round places as a child and hating every second. If I tried to make him come out two times a week I think I'd get the same reaction as yours! Especially if he IS knackered/stressed after a long week at work. So I tend to land stuff on him spontaneously, like waking up in the morning and saying, 'right, it's a nice day, let's do such and such' and he's fine. He also goes out alone with our DC once during every weekend so they get quality time together. He also does loads around the house and is very involved in our DC's life, knowing what they get up to at school and with their friends, etc.

If none of that rings true for your DP and he's just being a lazy arse who doesn't want to be involved in family life, then yes, it sounds like staying married to him is just going to make you miserable.

childcare is easy for us- have sibling close by, but again I have to come up with night out for us and get turned down 50/50. He goes out with friends tho twice a week and comes home midnight (I don’t think he cheats btw)

My ex was like that, refused to come out with me and ds. He just couldn’t be bothered. He would go on golfing weekends with the boys though. Then I booked a week in the sun with my dsis and dn, and suddenly he wanted to come too. And then I left and then he wanted back in.
What he really meant was he wanted me to cook and clean & make supper and keep his bed warm while he put in no effort and did whatever he pleased. It wasn’t a life I wanted.
It’s a choice you have to make.

I don't find relationships easy at all. Usually one person puts the effort in and the other does nothing at all. It sounds to me like he just wants to sit there like a big cabbage.
I like a man with a bit of get up and go.
I don't think you are on the same wavelengths.

At the beginning/first 2 years say, yes of course.

But if we're talking long-term then no not easy all the time but it can be very rewarding when you both put the effort in and make sure you appreciate each other. If you do.

I don't think anything worth having comes easily though.

He goes out with friends tho twice a week and comes home midnight (I don’t think he cheats btw)

He refuses point-blank to come out with you but sees his friends twice a week? Fuck that. Disregard my earlier post and start the separation.

So he's a dick about family time and doesn't prioritise spending time with you. That's not finding marriage hard, that's just him being a twat.

I mean, he's right that it should be easy because he should enjoy spending time with his family. But it's not your fault that he doesn't.

I really don't understand how he even thinks it's an option to opt out?

I have a young child and my partner (mostly!) understands it's our joint responsibility to raise our children and that includes doing things that put the child first eg taking them swimming / to the park etc.

We don't get much time to go out just the two of us but there's no way he's say no if we had somebody to babysit.

He's the one making the relationship hard - because he doesn't understand what relationships are about...

Agree with above poster who says life is hard but marriage is easy. Or it should be if it's a good marriage.
Your husband sounds selfish. You have sex everyday but you are feeling like you want to separate because of his lack of interest in you and the children? I know we are all different but I know I wouldn't want to be having sex with someone who was making me unhappy.
There should be 'family' time during the week when you all do stuff together but it should be because you all want to not because one person feels obliged to. Do you get to have time out on your own? Do you go with your own friends for nights out?
What you've described just sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - the family at home but the independent care free life of a single man.

I don’t go out as much unfortunately but it’s because I work two jobs and take care of our child mostly. I also study uni. So exhausted....still trying to put all my energy into family and time with my husband.

I think he's half right.

"You have to work hard at a relationship but it shouldn't feel like hard work".

Why are you arguing about this anyway? You're divorcing. Agree to disagree. Move on.

A good, loving, equal relationship is absolutely “easy” - because you prioritise each other, you are on the same page with things, you both love your DC and want to have time together, as a family and as a couple.
Your relationship is not easy because your husband does not sound like he is prioritising you at all. He’s more interested in having a carefree single life out with his friends. He seems to have put you in the role of housekeeper and sex provider, but nothing more than that. And you are continually running round trying to make it a proper marriage- which you cannot ever do single handed. You need him to fulfil his half of the marriage and to be emotionally invested in you. Which it seems he isn’t. I vote LTB.

He says he has more things in common with guys from work sometimes than me and he can relax more with them than me it is heartbreaking really