Divorce, the house and children

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

Also I know it’s not morally right but could I refuse him coming off the mortgage and continue paying it myself with the income I do get? This would work up to the end of the current term which is another year away. I also know this would get his back up as he can’t run off into the sunset and buy another house whilst on this mortgage

Speak to a family solicitor for some advice, a lot of firms offer a free initial consultation so you can understand the basics and H's financial obligations towards you and the children . Also, definitely worth calling the mortgage company or speaking to a mortgage advisor to see if it is feasible for you to take on the mortgage, they all have different criteria, if it is a new mortgage, there may be a hefty penalty for any changes. Don't make any rash decisions until you have all the information and make sure H continues to contribute to the mortgage in the interim.

He should still be pretty much paying it. At least his share, get legal advice and say nothing to him about it. X

My bank was very helpful but yes legal advice too. You would have to apply for the mortgage yourself so he can't just come off it without the banks permission and you being able to afford it as he has a debt with the bank not you. You may have to sell if he doesn't agree but legal advice is paramount.

And if you are able to take on the same mortgage there will be no penalty fees (with my bank this was the case anyway) but it may be more financially sound for you to have a new mortgage with new interest rate / fixed term but they will give you your options as to what makes best sense.

Would it be realistic me saying I need to wait until I go back to work before we can make a decision on the house? Obviously I don’t know my childcare costs and benefit allowances until I decide what hours I’m going back. As little as 4 weeks ago he said I didnt have to go back to work if I didn’t want to and then he walks out!

Ps I go back to work January

Well for a start, he walked out of his own free will so he needs to be paying half the mortgage at least for now, even if he isn't living there as that's his choice.

Since you're married, any decisions on how the finances will work need to be agreed in a settlement so for now, anything that has his name on it needs to still be paid and anything that has both your names on it, he is liable for half.

I would speak to the mortgage company. Do a CMS calculation for maintenance and also for benefits and get a rough idea of what you'll have coming in. There's probably little equity in the house since you only bought it one year a go so I can see why he's saying you can just keep it if you can pay the mortgage.

It's also worth considering if he has any pensions, investments or savings as you have a claim on those too. It would be off set against any equity he would be entitled to in the house but if he's happy to for go that totally then I wouldn't argue.

Mortgage companies do generally take wages, maintenance, benefits and any other regular income into account when working out your income.

Childcare is expensive, especially for two children. Do you have a good paying job to return to?

I work part time and earn 1k a month. I have built up 1k of childcare vouchers while on maternity leave and I would get 85% of childcare costs paid for with benefits

Yes, you can use the vouchers and the help from benefits for childcare or if the vouchers end, you can use tax free along with the help so you shouldn't have much out of pocket childcare expenses?

Do you know anything about his pension and any savings? Because you wouldn't be working part time and earning £1k a month if you were able to work like he has been able to with you there doing the childcare. This is why both people in a marriage have a claim on ALL assets when it comes to divorce as you've worked as a partnership and just because one earned more than the other, it doesn't mean that the higher earner gets more because they 'paid' for it. Is he still paying half the mortgage?

You can get a 30 minute free meeting with a solicitor to get yourself informed on it all. There's a thing called a mesher order as well where you can stay in the house with your children until the youngest turns 16/18 and you pay the mortgage but he stays on it I believe. You would apply for this if the mortgage company won't let you take on the mortgage yourself. The only issue with that is, he would get some of the equity that was built up until the order was put in place meaning you'd have to pay him this upon your youngest turning 16/18 or sell the house to pay him that money.

Another option is asking a parent, sibling or close friend to go on your mortgage with you or to act as a guarantor and drafting an agreement about how that would work.

The easiest scenario here would be that he stays on the mortgage for a certain amount of time to let you get it down/earn more so that you can take it over yourself

Thank you for your reply. It’s all gone sour since I last posted. He’s pressuring me to get the house valued. It’s only been 2.5 weeks since he walked out! I said he needs to give me time. Ideally I need until I go back to work to sort out finances. There’s another issue which is to do with his drinking. I have discovered since we have been separated that he drinks in a morning. I have camera footage of him getting lager from the boot of his car at 7am. I also have found empty cans of lager in his wardrobe and behind his bedside table before but never put two and two together. I know legally I can’t but I have said I don’t want him to drive the children until he sorts his drinking problem out. He wanted me to take the children on a 27 mile round trip on Saturday so he could take them to a specific leisure centre. I refused and said I’d take them to the nearest one as I obviously have to watch what petrol I am using now I have no income. This has snowballed into a huge row and has ended up in him telling me he’s calling the estate agents and he’s going to use his equity in the house for solicitors to fight me over access to the kids. He sees them 3 times a week! I think I am being more than fair. It’s just a huge mess and I’m not sure how to fix it. A Mesher is my ideal outcome but not sure if a judge would grant me a 4 bed house with 40k equity?

Oh dear. You're doing the right thing about not wanting him to drive the kids around when you have seen for yourself that he has an out of control drinking problem. You're also not stopping him from seeing them as he see's them 3 times a week so what is he on about?

I would go and see a solicitor. Take the 30 minute free meeting to get as informed as you can then see once you're back at work if you can afford a few more hourly meetings.

If he does want to sell, that won't happen overnight and you can delay it as much as you can. Not the best advice to give someone but he left you, he's an alcoholic and you've got 2 kids to look out for here.

Worst case scenario is that the house gets sold, you get £20k equity and he gets £20k and you'll need to buy something else, something a lot cheaper probably. Bare in mind you have a claim on his pension, savings and any investments as well which you should totally go for if he is going to force the sale of the house. If you get the money from the sale of the house and use it as a deposit for another house, it won't affect any benefits you'll be entitled to. As long as it's invested into a home you will live in

That’s great advice thank you. I’m definitely not rushing anything. And if it couldn’t get any worse I have found there is another woman. A work colleague. He had his works do a little while back and was acting strange hiding a new shirt in his car. He said he thought I would go mad that he had bought a new shirt. I have messaged the other woman a very polite message appealing to her better nature. She has replied confirming they are seeing each other but not while we were together. What an absolute mess of a situation. How can he do this to us

Don't be pressured or bullied.
You need a shit hot lawyer to sort this out, ask for recommendations.
In the meantime get all your financial information (including his) together and don't commit to anything without proper advice.

I work part time and earn 1k a month.

We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay.

You only have £40K equity and it’s a 4-bed.

I’m sorry, but I think trying to hold onto your current house will cause you more pain in the long-run than selling up, asking for a larger portion of the equity and buying somewhere smaller on your own. A mortgage of over £250K is massive, and you’re not a high earner. Bills will be bigger in a larger house too.

I’d look into going back to work as many hours as you can, and maximising your income. He doesn’t sound reliable and so you need to be as independent as possible. Your DC are still very young so it’s a long time to try to hold onto your current house when you could make a fresh start elsewhere.

I'd say sell the house split the cash and lower your liabilities. £250k mortgage is huge even on a £60k salary as a single parent. Get a clean slate in.

Interest rates only need to go up half percent or 1% and many people would really struggle on mortgage payments.

Well they rarely leave without someone else to go to. I'm so sorry. Forget about the financial side at the moment, but I will say one last word on it! Please, please, please, get as much of the equity as you can when it comes to selling so that you can set yourself up again somewhere new. Also make sure you get as much info as you can on his pension and savings and make sure you get a share of those as well.

That out of the way, are you ok? You probably aren't I know, stupid question but do you think you can hold it together at the moment?

I packed up the rest of his stuff today, all 10 black bin bags worth and my sister took it to his moms house and dumped it on her drive so he will have the joy of that after work. I’ve contacted a solicitor and have an appointment on Tuesday. I am going to get a letter written up to tell him to back off and stop pestering me about the house. He is to leave us here and pay the mortgage until I go back to work after christmas. I will forego any child maintenance in return. I just need some time to get my head around the whole thing and my daughter needs some time to process daddy not being here. It’s only been 2 and a half weeks for God’s sake! 4 weeks ago we were abroad having a lovely family holiday (bar his all day drinking) who am I kidding, he spoilt the holiday! And now he’s seeing someone from work. A 30 something career driven woman with no children of her own. Looks like she likes the highlife while before he met me he’d never had steak in his life 😂 I just can’t see how they are compatible but she is welcome to him. It’s all about me and my children from now on. I have blocked him from contacting me today because I just need to space to gather my thoughts. I already feel so much better. I have a direction, I have control and I don’t have him bothering me. We will be ok 💕

If he files for divorce is that when I go for his pension and savings? He has two Isas for our children, he is the only one who can access them. How do I go about those?

Good you have found your angry.

It is so very hard to excepted someone you trusted more than anyone can walk away from you and the children. This is not someone you want in your life.

Legal advice will be a good start.

Arrange to get 3 valuations. It is good information to have.

Claim benefits. UC take up to 5 weeks to kick in so don't delay and put in a claim to CMS. go through them as further down the line you don't want to be arguing with him over money. Let them deal with it.

Council tax benefit you will get 25% reduction as a single adult. Go through your direct debits. Hand back all his bills car. Phone etc. And look at anything you can reduce or cancel.

Contact is agreed at a set time and day. Every Sunday and Wednesday tea time. Whatever works for you. The children then know where they stand.

Get support for you. See your gp. Look for local counselling services. This will help get your thoughts in order. And give you a safe place to rant

Start a diary if you are concerned about his ability to parent safely. Keep notes and you can use this for reference. Notify school/childcare setting so they can support your children.

Go as low contact as you can. This one is hard. But it is time to draw a line. Contact is about pick/up drop off only. Money is via CMS. And house via solicitor. Show him you are taking control and mean business.

I know the house feels important right now. But long term that mortgage is going to hold you back. And do you really need such a big house? My priority was to be able to enjoy my children whilst they were young. So cutting my out going was a priority to maximise my income.

It doesn't have to be now but maybe 6/12 months time you feel more prepared for a move it will be a fresh start for you and the children. And to be honest I think you will struggle with the mortgage. Mine is half that. And I earn the same as you. And I am struggling to find a mortgage that will excepted benefits/CMS. For a £100k mortgage.

It is going to be a roller coast of emotions. But you need to show him you won't get pushed around. Feel free to pm me if you want a understanding ear. I'm 2 years down the line. (Younger more fun OW here too and the drinking) You will get through this. Because there aren't any other options. You will come out the other side. Stay strong. You deserve much better than this excuse of a man.

Voice f reason you had no right to pack and dump his possessions be very careful it’s his home.
Others have gotten into trouble with this sort of action don’t fuel this.
Your angry but be cautious that you don’t become the aggressor

You file for divorce first it’s much better that way

So just as I think I am feeling stronger dd asks to call daddy last night. He answers, she asks where he is and he says his “friends” house. She asks which friend but he avoids the question. He’s crying down the phone saying how much he misses her and her baby sister. He’s asking what they are doing and she tells him his youngest daughter said “hello” for the first time today and he breaks down. Now I can understand how heartbroken he must be to not be with his children but how can he really care that much then be at another woman’s house in bank holiday weekend when he should be at home with him children. I feel sick to the stomach. I spent all last night wondering what they are up to, are they sleeping together? Is this why he wants a quick divorce, are they planning on getting married. I know thinking like this isn’t healthy but I am alone in the family home with our old life while he is swanning off doing this. How can he do this to us? I just don’t know how to cope with all this

You can get through this. Try not to torture yourself with thoughts of what he is up too.

When he is away from you and the kids it is easy to pretend he is doing the right thing and everyone is happy. And he isn't giving you or the kids a thoughts.

Just keep yourself busy with family and friends and focus on the children.

Just an update. Ex has messaged me last two days asking if I’ve had the house valued. I’ve ignored him. Had a solicitors appointment and she said he can’t pressure me to sell the house. He will have to start legal proceedings and obviously on paper he is earning way more than my nothing at the moment. (56k vs 0k!) I have also contacted my mortgage advisor who also said he should be paying the mortgage until I am back at work and can afford to move out/take over the mortgage. Following the solicitors meeting I messaged him the following:

I have no income. I am on unpaid maternity leave. I can not afford to move elsewhere or pay the mortgage here. You have a legal obligation with the mortgage company and to provide a roof over the heads of the children. I am not going to be selling the house until I return to work and I can work my finances out then and what’s best for me and our children. Now that is the last I have to discuss with you about he house. Please don’t message me again

His reply was “This is ridiculous I’m getting the house valued end of”

Of course I know he can’t do anything even if he has had the house valued but the whole thing is stressing me out to the point I’ve had to book a doctors appointment. I have two young children so life is stressful enough without this worry in top. I’m not eating or sleeping. How can he or OW think that him doing this to us is ok. How is he expecting us to live. There is £17 in the joint account and he hasn’t even asked if I need any money for food whilst he takes his OW out. How can any man do this to his children.