Divorce, the house and children

[Cantsleep22]

My husband walked out me and my two children (6 and 8 months) 2 weeks ago. He is already asking for a divorce and says I can have the house if u can afford the mortgage. On paper I can with benefits, child maintenance, my wage. My question is would a mortgage company look at all Incomings or just my wage? If it’s just my wage there is no way I can get a mortgage. We’ve only been here 1 year, have 255,000 left to pay. Is there anyway I can contact the mortgage lender, explain the situation and they let me drop to an interest only mortgage? I have no idea which way to turn with this. Is there a reason he has acted so quickly to get a divorce? If I agree to the divorce does this affect any rights I have over the house? We jointly own it 50/50

I feel for you. It's all good and well people saying he has a legal obligation to pay his part of mortgage/for his children, etc but from my experience and coming up to 2 yrs since my ex walked out, I am still going through a very tough time with very little help and advice without money to pay for it. He left 2 yrs ago, although I was relieved (not a happy marriage) he hasn't paid a penny towards our 3 children, left me with credit card and loan debts, stopped seeing kids after about 2 months ( got in the way of his new life!) and stopped paying his half of mortgage 8 mths ago. He asked for divorce, said would pay half (no show, my debt again), said wanted sell house (sale now going through) demanding 50% of sale, done nothing but threaten me, had a neighbour watching my every move, even taking photos of house when any cars outside. Made my life a misery, and to think I supported him and dragged him out of crap numerous times during 22 yrs of being together. The long and short of it is tough luck unless u have loads of money spend on a solicitor. There is absolutely nothing u can do if he stops paying the mortgage because guess what they dont tell u when u take it out, if one stops paying the other is liable for full payment even though they may not touch u with a barge pole to give u mortgage on ur own! Go out and commit a crime, u get legal aid, single parent needing help, jog on. We are so let down with this system. I am tired and drained, accepted against all my beliefs 50% of house proceeds and he's even refusing solicitors taking out of his 50% what he owes me, saying he will sort it himself when he gets his share. Now having to move my children to a rented property worlds away from what they are used to just for my own sanity. And to protect my future now need to arrange a consent order at £750 +, while he just sits back and waits for his money. Laws need to change, divorce should mean divorce, end to everything. I'm on the last hurdles but still feels like a million miles away!! I hope ur process is smoother than mine

What u see at the end of a marriage is the real person. Monsters to walk away from responsibilities and think it's ok to not pay anything. I have no financial help whatsoever for our kids (10, 12 and 14yrs) I have to deal with their anger/upset, he doesnt care if I can put food on the table, never mind uniforms and other essentials. He has got me further in debt. But do u know wot, I am way more blessed than he will ever be, I have my kids and no matter how hard it gets I know I'll get there. Alot of prayer and having God has helped me so much. In the end these types of people will come unstuck, my ex is definately getting what he deserves now. Money grabbing girlfriend got him in tonnes of debt then dumped him, he lost his well paid job, got banned for drink driving, but still harassing and pressuring me. Got completion date through for house, told him I had no where sorted for me and kids, his reply "you"ll have move in with ur mum and dad" , thankfully now got somewhere sorted, not updated him though and he still doesn't care if we were homeless as long as he gets his money. Now wish I had become a solicitor, because I would fight all these cases for free, what a greedy world we live in. Where we are turned away unless we can pay!!

Clearly this is all very new fir you and you have very young child so for an interim period it’s not unreasonable that the status quo remains and that he continues to pay the mortgage

You do need to be pragmatic in that this won’t last forever and he will be able to ultimately force a court to decide on the financial split which could involve sale of the house so you do need to think about things going forward

On his salary it’s unlikely long term he’ll be expected to pay and its possible you’ll only. be able to keep the house if a mortgage company will approve you to take it on based on affordability.

He’s now saying he’s only going to pay the mortgage and I need to write a list of things the kids need and he will buy those but he won’t pay any of the bills or give me money for food. He’s trying to force me to put the house up for sale. I actually hate him. So now I am faced with £900 worth of bills. He also won’t agree to paying any child maintenance which I was willing to forego in lieu of him lying the bills just this month until I get my universal credits end of September. I think i am going to have to swallow my pride and go back to work so I don’t need to rely on the poor excuse for a man any longer. How he cannot see this is affecting the kids and he spiting then I do not know. He knows I am on unpaid maternity leave, how does he actually expect me to live.

Jfbjm02 yeah but you have our respect which is priceless. You'll also always have your children's appreciation. Keep going!!!

You are only in the position of having no income because you've had his baby! What a man. And what a prize for his new woman, man who has left wife on maternity leave. You sound really sound, OP.

Sorry, really strong

Cantsleep22 I've been where you've been. I've written about being a single parent and racking up childcare debts of £8000 (loans, credit cards) by putting both my kids age 3 and 5 in full time nursery so I could take a job in the city. I went back to work full time with a 2.5 hour a day commute and my kids were in nursery 8am to 6pm. It was fucking HARD. I was net negative, in the red every month and I wasn't able to afford anything for myself for 2 years. 7 days a week was a slog and I didn't have any family help, my mil all but disappeared, my house was a mess and my ex at the time wasn't available to do the slog of morning and evening care. 10 years later I tell you I am now on a 6figure salary, I own 2 properties and this month's pay check is more than some people earn in a year (full time). I pay a huge amount of tax though no joke. I made enough to hire the very best lawyers and sue the fuck out of my ex.

I did out of sheer grit, ambition and propensity to work hard. And stubborness to be independent and outshine my ex. Once I made enough money and kids in Primary school I got an aupair which really eased the burden. My kids have turned out to be beautiful well behaved angels and my time as a single mum feels like a very long time ago.

I hope you can see you will come out of the other end but it will take time. You need to concentrate on improving yourself and get yourself independent. It gives you choices and dare I say happiness too.

You need to not expect anything from him moving forward. I know you want him to do the right thing but that clearly isn't going to happen. He has shown you what his priorities are

You need a plan moving forward. Work our what your income is going to be ( benefits and cms etc ) and what your bills are. Can you rent out a room? I know that's not ideal in anyway. But gives you some money coming in.

Think you need to look into if you can take over the mortgage. If so get it sorted. If not put the house up for sale. It won't go over night. So you need to know what he is prepared to pay long term.

Cms. Will calculate what he should pay. This is a minimum. Not a target. But it looks unlikely you will get more from your ex going forward. Is this figure more or less than the mortgage?

I know you don't want to move. It is shit you are dealing with your relationship breaking down and supporting the children. But it is like pulling off a plaster. Get the hurt all done at once.

A year from now you could be in your own happy home that he is a guest in My ex still thinks he can walk in and help himself to drink etc. I hate it.

The children will cope. And in a few years time won't even remember. You just have to remain strong for them and make it all ok.

I do know how hard this is. And how you expect them to do the right thing by you and the children. I'm 2 years down the line and still expect my ex to do the same. As yet I'm 12 months without any child support. He is not the person you want or expect him to be.

You need to go back to your solicitor and issue divorce petition and make application for maintenance pending suit.
As you have no income you won't have to pay the court fees.
You could have a go at doing this yourself if you can't afford solicitors fees

There is also a provision that makes him pay your legal fees.

Please contact CMS ASAP to put in a claim for maintenance. Don't forgo this for mortgage payments!!!

I have asked solicitor if they will take payment out of final settlement but they won’t. I really cannot afford 180+vat especially now I need to find £900 for bills and food this month. I haven’t slept and now I’m on the phone to bill companies begging for any help. It’s so demoralising

You can’t afford a mortgage that size on £1000 a month. You can’t rely on CM he could just ask for 50% custody and there would be no CM to pay. Nothing will happen fast and legalities will take months to sort out. Can you afford to buy / get a mortgage somewhere smaller on your own salary and equity? The important thing now is not to go into debt. Get a mortgage holiday. Use the CM for bills. Apply for CM so it’s collected directly and he can’t not pay you. Cancel any non essentials. And probably you will have to put the house on market. In return go for all the equity and share whatever other assets there are - the court will prioritise housing the children and £40k is not enough to do that (remember it will be nearer £30k after legal / sale and purchase costs). It’s more likely you would get all the equity than a mesher order and financially a mesher would not be a good deal for you - would you want him to walk away 40% your home in 18 years time when you have paid the mortgage and all upkeep? Better to take what you can now and start over free of him. You may have to rent on that income or look at shared ownership. You won’t be able get any mortgage if you run up debts and unless you can get a much better job or lodgers then I think the house would be a massive financial drain on you. I would not assume he is going to help with childcare or pay you more than minimum. It’s all so new and raw and too soon to be making financial decisions or negotiating away anything as you don’t have all his financial info on savings / pension etc. You don’t want to waste money on legal fees really you want to get and keep every penny you can. I would think seriously about agreeing to sell the house but getting a mortgage holiday agreed while it’s up for sale as that’s the only way you can afford the bills. Or maybe he will agree to pay more for that period if you agree to sell as it’s not in his interests to have poor credit history either. Even if you agreed to sell you would still have 6 months or so before you had to move and that would give you breathing space and time to spend with the kids and to get your finances back on even keel. I pay a mortgage 1/3 of that on a larger salary and benefits (I get no CM). I manage but there’s little left over. I think your kids would rather have your time than a big house.

So I did a food list and he refused to buy any household items. I asked how I was going to wash the kids clothes or bath them or keep their home clean. He also missed off a few food items and when I pointed them out said I needed to return to work. I replied and said I am looking after our baby!

I messaged him last night asking if he was going to put any money into the joint account for today as the mortgage and other bills are due out. He said yes but only if you will drop the kids off at my moms. I said yes that’s fine but can you promise me you won’t drive them please. He decided on Saturday he didn’t need to adhere to my wishes following legal advice and dropped them off himself. He says I am controlling him and have no leg to stand on as he has never been charged for any alcohol related offences. I will not back down so he says he won’t pay the mortgage. He also won’t pay any joint bills so I have had family giving me money to cover those. Low and behold this morning the bank account is overdrawn in excess of £700 I use the last of my savings to stop any charges on the account. He messages me a few hours later and says what’s happening I was going to pay the money in. I say well can you pay it in now please so I can put it back into my savings and he says only if you bring the kids to my moms. I say I will as long as you won’t drive them. He’s now booked a mediation session and says I don’t have a leg to stand on as if I thought he was a danger I wouldn’t let him have the kids at all.

I am now really panicking about mediation. I can’t claim legal aid until my universal credit application goes through. Do I actually have any leg to stand on where the kids are concerned?

He also says he doesn’t need to pay the mortgage and child maintenance. Is this correct? If he has a financial interest in the house I.e any equity from the sale the surely he should still pay the mortgage. Also maintenance as I am not earning a penny?

You need to call the mortgage provider and get a payment break or holiday while you sort this stuff out. They should have a team to deal with this - start there.

My understanding is unless you have proof of drink driving (an arrest). Then They are just 'concerns'. Of course you have a duty to keep your children safe. But think you can't stop contact.

Have you had any legal advice?

And no he doesn't have to pay twice. It is either child support or mortgage. As already suggested I would phone your mortgage company and ask for three month holiday. Give yourself some breathing space.

I can help you on the mortgage although it's not good news. There is no obligation to pay the mortgage due to the fact that he is not living there. You are occupying his half of the property and he is unable to and therefore you should be paying him rent on his half. You will find the rent due equals half the mortgage payment. This was told to me by my solicitor and you can check online. Therefore I would push ahead with CMS (prob be about 450-500 a month) but if he wants 50% custody then it's 0£) sorry I know this is awful you need to get on your own feet quickly and never ever rely on a man again. Good luck xx

You need to sort out ancillary relief/maintenance pending suit which has already been advised. You need a solicitor to take control of this.

I'm in the midst of a divorce. The form e is what you need to complete to sort financials. He will have to declare all income / debt/ pensions. A decision will then be made on split. You can apply for financial settlement until the nisi is complete but I then believe you cannot get an absolute until the financial order is confirmed. It's in everyone's interest as otherwise 5 years down the line one party can go back to the other for more money.

Mesher orders are discouraged now in favour of a clean break I believe. I certainly didn't want to go down that route and pay him equity for a mortgage he hadn't paid in 10years. I would also the put myself in a position of being too old to remortgage to pay him off but children still needing housing (so downsizing would not be an option)

I think from the sounds of your income / equity / childcare you may need to accept you have to sell.

I am taking on a 250k mortgage to buy him out on a good salary - it terrifies me. Payments will be £1200 ish a month over 19 years. I have minimal childcare costs to consider. (I also don't get much maintenance!)

Take control and stop asking him about money he’s using that to bully you. Put in your CMS claim and either ask the mortgage co for a break or just call his bluff and see if he defaults on paying the mortgage. I bet he won’t as that would affect his credit rating. As far as the bank is concerned you are both liable for the debt and if neither of you pay the mortgage it will seek to sell the house itself and probably for less than if you sold it yourselves. Don’t forgo the CMS you need to be able to live and mortgage co’s are generally understanding as if there is equity they will get their money back. If you miss or halt payments then the interest will be higher as less capital as been paid off. It’s not a disaster for a few months. If his intention is to get a new mortgage and buy again he’s not going to default. I hope you have told his family how appalling he is being to his children leaving them without enough to live on. I don’t think you can stop him driving. I think you need to go low contact as he seems determined to do the opposite of what you ask. Once the UC and CMS is in place then he will have fewer cards - he knows you are desperate which is why he is forcing things to go fast. My STBXH and I have waited for 2 years to divorce amicably and while it hasn’t always been easy between us we have always put the children first. Worst scenario get your benefits in place and see if you can get housing benefit and rent somewhere and leave him to sort out the house and bills. I don’t suppose he has left any possessions you could stick on eBay???? Have you got council tax reduction? I would be freezing the joint account once you have your savings back and opening a separate account for your benefits so it can’t go overdrawn again. And yes apply to court for spousal maintenance until you are back at work. I would also not be bullied into doing mediation before you are ready. But don’t use the kids as a lever the court will frown on that and unless he is really a danger to the kids then you need to keep arrangements about the children and finances totally separate.

So ex ignored my drink drive wishes and dropped girls back on Saturday. I have refused to send them until he agrees not to drive them. He missed seeing them Tuesday because he wouldn’t agree and finally agreed today so I dropped them off earlier. Im due to collect them now. Looks like mediation is our only hope now.

I have contacted CMS who have now spoken to him. I requested payments be taken from his wage because of the recent financial dispute but he disagreed. So by law they have to allow him to pay me directly. Let’s see how well that one goes 🙄

I have contacted the mortgage company who have written to him. They don’t offer mortgage breaks or interest only unless the mortgage is non affordable. I.e neither of us can afford to pay. They will ask us to prove our income and decide if it is affordable. Therefore he has to pay as I have no income. They did say we have the whole month to pay. I paid start of September so theoretically it doesn’t need to be paid again until end of October. They also recommended cancelling the direct debit which I have done and he can set one up himself out his account.

I applied for universal credit really early luckily. It takes 5 weeks so I won’t be getting any payments until 21st sept. Just in time for next round of bills

I have also been advised to file for divorce and apply for maintenance pending suit. That was done on Tuesday so he should be getting the papers tomorrow. Hopefully if he doesn’t contest the divorce it goes through quickly. Solicitor also advised to request he pay any legal costs. I also get the court fee for the divorce wiped or discounted as I am on benefits.

I had the house valued today and it’s been valued at £310 so that means we have £55k equity in it. How much equity can I ask for at mediation as I will need all of it to afford to get my own mortgage. I have spoken to a mortgage advisor who is in standby ready to assist me when I am ready. The estate agent was very sympathetic and said if I put the house up for sale now i wouldn’t be ready to move until Feb so at least that means we will still be here for Xmas and both my daughters birthdays.

I have been to the doctors today who have referred me to talking therapy. I will get this help on Monday

I’ve also got a meeting with work tomorrow to discuss going back early. Hopefully thy can pay me my holiday pay the end of September to help me out a little

I just need to sort my childcare out now and I’m all done

My ex meanwhile has sorted not a fat lot other than looking at a 50k car. What an idiot. He hasn’t paid the mortgage, bills or given me any child maintenance! Honestly can’t believe this is the man I married 2 years ago and wanted to spend my life with

@Cantsleep22 good you are taking control. You are on your own now so don't expect him to help. You know what's going on and won't be let down when he does nothing.

I wouldn't ask work to pay your holiday until you have had benefits otherwise you may be in a position of having to pay them back.

It's good you have got a plan. If he doesn't pay first month cms then they can go for collect and pay. It took from Oct when I first claimed until feb when I got first payment. My ex ignored everything. Hope you don't have to wait so long

Also on the mortgage front you will need 3 month cms for that to be included. So if ex wants the house sold he needs to start coughing up so you are in the best position to move forward.

I know this is exhausting for you. I promise you a year or so from now when you are in your own home with the dc and doing great on your own. You will be glad you did it.

Try not to give him any head space. Hard I know. But what he is doing or the car he is buying is t your concern anymore.

Did you talk to the solicitors about him driving the girls around.

Yes I did and she said I am well within my right to be doing what I am. He is currently organising mediation and says I do not have a leg to stand on with the drinking thing. However knowing what I know I need to do everything in my power to keep my children safe and if it ends up at court and they order me to allow him to drive then at least I can say I have done all I can to protect them. At least I am maintaining contact, even with limit money for petrol I am still ferrying them around so he can see them. That will make me look reasonable in a court of law

Good for you. That’s good he can just deal with the mortgage co direct. I hope he doesn’t mess you around with CM. Yes you can ask for all the equity because the priority is to house the children who are mainly with you and he has greater ability to get a larger mortgage. You won’t necessarily have to trade off pension etc. Does he have lots of savings to buy the car?? All savings, pensions, cars etc go in the pot to be split. He is going to have to answer to his kids in years to come about how he can afford fancy cars but doesn’t look after them. If he can afford £50k car it just shows he doesn’t need the equity and doesn’t need it fast. Go back to work if it’s the least stressful option. I know I prefer to know I can cover my bills. You may find you spend a lot less without a second adult. I manage fine now while with ex we were always overspending. You are doing amazing job!

He’s tried to obtain a loan to cover the car I believe. I just worry he’s doing this so that when the divorce goes through he can say he’s got all these outgoings so can’t afford to give me this and that. I am currently at work now and going to arrange to come back hopefully the end of October and all the divorce and financial side will be settled then. House will then be put up for sale and I can move on with my life. Still can’t believe 6 weeks ago we were on it family holiday planning our future and now I’m filing for divorce. It’s a crazy world but it’s definitely a lesson learned on my part