Frustrated by finances

[Flower64]

Been split up a year, decree nisi announced a few weeks back, I'm almost over the line! Doesn't see the children due to safeguarding - police and my solicitor advised a court application would be necessary to ensure Cafcass assessments were done. Hasn't bothered. Rents his own flat, we both had some CC debt when he left - I've been paying mine off, he's defaulted on everything he has and has also taken out a huge personal loan, now also defaulted. The house was valued this week at exactly the purchase price we paid. We've only had it a short time, so haven't dented the mortgage much so there is less than £20k equity. Selling costs and mortgage redemption penalty on top would reduce this to about £13k. Deposit and £10k of home improvements paid for by me, and £10k of his debt transferred onto my interest free CC which I've almost cleared. Difference in income of £15k per year advantage to me but I have three young children to support and two have wraparound school care, one has nursery fees. DEO in place for child maintenance with £2k of arrears. Still - he has piped up stating he's going back to appeal the divorce costs being issued against him, and he's insisting for the house to be sold at £50k more than its worth because he needs more than 50% and believes he should get it because he is more in debt than I am. What's mad is that there is nothing now I can do other than apply to court and pay money to a solicitor in the hope that a judge will tell him he's being unrealistic. I'm also potentially facing a pension share order although mine is small because he chose to opt out and spend his money on having relationships outside of our marriage. I so wish someone had sat me down prior to getting married and warned me about what could happen :(

I'm sorry you're going through such a horrid time. Were you married for very long?

If someone wants to appeal a court decision then they need to have grounds for that appeal. Not liking what the judge said isn't grounds for an appeal :). He's unlikely to win that and that part alone won't mean that you have to go to court. That's a fight for him only.

Also, he can't insist that a house is sold for a certain amount because even a judge can't force some random person to buy your house for the price your ex wants. The division needs to be on a percentage basis.

What did the court order actually say?

My court order is for decree nisi "costs to be assessed if not agreed" - we haven't started finances yet, Im at the point where I've offered to take the mortgage and my debt and he keeps his debt - were married 6 years and hes been gone for 1 year.

I just wanted to say I feel your pain. I'm in the early stages but all the news so far is negative. Basically I feel I am being penalised for being the sensible saver, while he wasted every bit of money he ever had. I wish we had never married.

It would be very useful if you could keep the property & therefore the mortgage going just si you avoid the early redemption penalties. When do they end btw ?? If its within the next year or so can you wait until you're out if that period. Surely your ex realises this benefits him too.

Can you get a mortgage on your own...?? Just saying that most lender will refund the redemption penalties if you take out a new mortgage with them within a certain period - usually somewhere around 3-6 months of the penalties accruing.

Yes I can easily afford the mortgage I’ve always paid it anyway and my income is sufficient. The issue is the valuation is £260k and he’s saying it’s £325k so refuses to let me have the house on the basis that I won’t give him over 50% of this non existent equity. Hoping a judge feels different but I’ll have to spend money going to court in order to get it all sorted out.

First of all, I feel your pain. I have been penalised too for being the sensible saver and anyone who has been in a very one-sided marriage like this would understand what a terrible deal it is.

He can’t just say the house is a certain inflated value and demand half the “equity”. I’m afraid you will need to get a solicitor to thrash this out. Get three valuations on the house. Complete form Es and exchange them. Hopefully you can reach an agreement via solicitors before going to court.

I am left with my two teenagers to support. My DD won’t see my ex at all because of safeguarding issues. I am the mum and have done more of the child rearing. I was also the higher earner.

You will find people will say “why did you marry him” or “it’s a partnership and he could have been the more supportive if you had fallen ill”.... That’s all nonsense if you have been shackled to a taker and ripped off.

Best to cut your losses now. The law is grossly unfair and the legal costs of getting out of a bad marriage like this are shocking. At least eventually you will be free of this parasite.

You are doing the rightt hing as there is no equity in the house, in selling it although if it is inevitably going to court and that might take a year if he will agree nothing then would it be best for you and the children to stay in the house as it is likely a court might give you the £20k equity in it despite your husband being the one with the personal debts - because the judge might see he is unlikely to be paying maintenance and you will be keeping the children? That also saves you the stamp duty and other costs of having to buy a new place for you and the children but does not revolve the issue of how much the house is worth I suppose which only really people find out when they sell on the open market.

I earn more than my ex husband and had to pay him about 59% of our assets on divorce although I could afford to remortgage and pay him off. It might even be cheaper for you to remortgage the house and pay him more equity than you think he is entitled to and have a clean break full settlement sealed by the court on the finances before decree absolute once you add in your own costs of moving, legal fees, remortgage costs, stamp duty on a new purchase etc.

Some judges are letting each person hold onto their pensions this happened to a colleague and I’m hoping I will be able to do the same

In our case we decided our pensions were probably worth about the same and we had 20 years still to go of full time earnings so we just agreed each kept their own pension but often it is the main asset if there is no house with equity in it and as children's needs come first it may be needed for that no matter who built it up.

My pension is literally only 3 years old, its worth hardly anything. He doesn't have one. I've always paid the mortgage and bills - he's now renting. As far as I am concerned I have very young children to raise - youngest is 3. the only "asset" is the minimal equity in the house, and he's in huge arrears on child support. the only other things we have is debt, and simply because he's not paid anything off his and has taken out more, whereas I have been sensible and economised to pay mine off he now feels I should pay his too. He's looking for money that isn't there. Selling isn't an option as we'd be homeless without enough for a deposit anywhere else. He isn't interested in negotiation, his last email to my solicitor was a three page ramble clearly written whilst under the influence so that issue hasn't gone away! He just wants money and the more the better. Doesn't seem to care that there isn't any!

if he won't properly negotiate you may just have to push it to court hearings and let the court decide trying to do that with as little time spent on legal fees as possible in the process.

Thank you for the reply. My solicitor has emailed me and said he feels I will have to apply to court now. He's also quoting up to £10k for his fees which is going to be unaffordable for me but he said he feels I can self rep. For anyone who has done this is it hard?

Unfortunately I have no good news. I have paid around £10k out of income over the last year and a bit to get rid of a man who is taking 55% of allegedly “joint” assets - mostly earned by me. The system is broken. Getting by has been a struggle - I have two teenagers to support. From my point of view the only good thing is it will soon be over, the bills will end and he can’t come after me for any more!

@NotbeingRobbed I really feel for you, I have followed your situation. I guess I am hoping that because there is so little to split that I wont end up giving him much at all, even though like you I am the higher earner although my children are infant school age.

The problem you have is that legal fees are likely to exceed his half share in the house that you stand to gain by going to court.

Is there any way in which you'd feel comfortable mainly doing it yourself but using your solicitor for advice now and again?

@Collaborate - that's what my solicitor is suggesting, and I think I agree. I guess I am just nervous about the process