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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Entitled?

16 replies

Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 13:33

Hi all,

With summer hols fast approaching, I just wondered what others experience is regarding child care in the break? Exh and I share custody of our 2dd and have them roughly 50/50. Exh believes he is 'entitled' to see them more simply due to the fact it is summer hols - is he right?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 08/07/2019 13:36

You are 50/50 already though what more does he want

Fridaycantsleepdoh1 · 08/07/2019 13:42

More than what? The current set up? What does it look like?

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 08/07/2019 13:42

I agree that if it's already 50/50 then why should he have "more"? I mean if you and the kids don't mind then it's no one elses business but I don't really understand his argument.

Perhaps he's wondering how he could take them away for a full week or something - which could be arranged without changing overall time with each of you - perhaps you could do similar. Same overall amount of time but in different chunks so you can plan holidays?

Me and XH both tend to take the kids away separately for a week in the hols so the routine goes out the window but we return to the routine afterwards.

Original poster
Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 13:49

ExH and I already have a 'holiday' booked each to take them away respectively and I understand that this will interfere with routine. He wants to have them more than the 50/50 split we currently have but the only reason he gives is that he's entitled to this as it's school holidays. I've said I want to stick to our respective days bar the obvious for the planned breaks, but he says he is now going to seek advice......... are they likely to say well you already get 50% so what more do you want?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 13:55

"No" is a complete sentence.

Original poster
Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 13:59

I have tried a simple no - he's trying to accuse me of 'stopping him from seeing his children' other than his normal days - which I believe I'm well within my rights to do. There is no court order in place to say either way and I guess this is a decision to be made between us - but why would I agree to missing out on my time with the DC just because he wants to see them more?

OP posts:
SpringerLink · 08/07/2019 14:08

My ExH does this too. He even tells the children about the extra days he's going to see them and the things that they are going to do...so that if I stick to the agreed arrangement the children are upset that I've said they can't do xyz with their Dad...

He is also big on talking about what he's entitled to, but not so big about living up to responsibilities.

Original poster
Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 14:11

Wow - Springer - I could say very much the same thing as you - promises them the world, very rarely delivers but expects me to be there to pick up the pieces

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 15:43

In that case, you may be forced to formalise child arrangements.

Tactically, I'd wait until he, against your agreement, withholds the children so that he is effectively keeping them more than 50%, then file child arrangements, citing the withholding of the children as the instigating event. His unreasonable behaviour and withholding of access may mean that the court doesn't necessarily consider 50/50 appropriate - in your favour. I'd speak to a very good solicitor.

Do you have the 50/50 in writing, even emails?

In the mean time, "no" remains a complete sentence - even better in email.

SpringerLink · 08/07/2019 15:56

My Ex made a big song and dance about me witholding the children from him, and it was a good job that I had in wirting that he had refused/rejected more offers of extra time with the children than he had taken. And also that he had offeren verbally to do one weekday after school and then in writing backed off to EOW. So I had rock-solid evidence that his allegations were goundless and that he was choosing to have less time with his children than he could.

This weekend he did an absolute classic of turning up somewhere that I was with the DC, and then doing something else in the same venue, and leaving without saying hello to the children even though they knew he was there because he'd told them that he would be...

Inscrutible man that he is.

Original poster
Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 19:29

Can the agreement be formalised without it going to court? I really can't be doing with launching a court case. I'm happy with the arrangement the way it is, dont know how many times I've reiterated to him that if he isn't happy, he needs to take it to court for it to be sorted.
I've never ever stopped him from seeing his children even though the most toxic of times, even when he was mentally abusing and being coersive towards the children. However this was logged with social services at the time.
I just want to get along as much as possible and the way I see that happening is minimal contact and a simple agreement that is already in place.
I don't get where he gets that I'm stopping him from seeing his children given that he has a structured access and in doing so would reduce me to less than 50% which doesn't seem fair.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 20:55

You have an agreement. He isn't following it. He could break any new agreement you make. You need a court order in order to compel him to obey.

He will never stick to anything you agree with him. Never. That's why you're here.

Let go of notions of "getting along". He couldn't give a shit about getting along, and is attempting to bully you into giving him majority care of your child. Read that back to yourself again.

He is attempting to bully you into giving up majority care of your child.

Find your anger or this guy will walk all over you then walk away with your baby.

ColaFreezePop · 08/07/2019 22:29

How old are the children? If the children are teens then they can sort out where they want to be

If they are not then in regards to holidays - if you can't sort of out informally go to mediation and sort out how you want to have the school holidays.

Some parents divide the longer school holidays in to blocks and alternate which parent has them first. Then half-terms can be alternated so who ever has them that week can take them on ho If you both work depending on your jobs this may be an easier. Then once term time comes round you go back to your 50/50 in the week arrangement.

ColaFreezePop · 08/07/2019 22:30

I should add you are suppose to go to mediation first unless you are exempt. You haven't mentioned anything that indicates you are.

Original poster
Tenfourtenfour · 08/07/2019 22:31

I think I knew this all along really - it just sometimes needs someone else to point out the obvious.
Thanks so much for your insight and advice everyone - it is much appreciated.
So for now, batten down the hatches and push him to take me to court if he isn't happy with the arrangement seems to be the way forward for me at least, later once I've got a bit more strength to go down the court route myself.

OP posts:
Frankola · 18/07/2019 20:38

Tell him you're their parent too and want to continue to split childcare 50/50 in the holidays.

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