Can a relationship survive police charges

[frogem366]

Please don't judge everything is very raw and new:

I had to contact the police last week as my now ex partners anger became bad. I believe he's had anger management issues along with depression for some time. But would never seek help. I've tried for years to help & put up with this moods, but after 9yrs and bringing the kids up it became tiresome.

Our separation journey started before Xmas when we really didn't seem to gel, in the new year he advised he wanted us to move as a family closer to his & my work. But I didn't want to uproot our children (6&5) because it felt like we were just moving our relationship issues. Our house went up for sale and I was always firm I didn't not want to move from the area. My ex worked lots of hours so my compromise was he would work less if we moved to a smaller house - less overheads etc. He has been very head strong in what he feels is the right thing for the family (move to the city - 30min commute, so we have more family time) my idea of more family time is downsize where we are. We live in an amazing little village - with first class schools & a safe environment for our children to grow up at their own speed.

Anyway for 5 months my ex has pleaded and begged me to agree to move with him. But I really don't feel it's the right decision for the family and for the first time I have been firm and said no. The house is in his name so I can't stop the sale, but I can choose where my next home is.

Long story short I've become exhausted with the constant pleading, he has stayed on and off with his family - and finally I said I couldn't see any other way but for the family to separate as neither can see the positives of the other's views and there is no compromise. This did not go down well, and in a public place he completely lost himself in anger and became threatening and verbally abusive. Because my youngest was there the police were called and he is now facing police charges which are outwith my control.

We've had ups and downs as a couple, who doesn't but I really believed that if the house sold we would fix it, but now with the police charges I'm not sure it can be fixed. There is bail conditions until his next hearing that he cannot come to the house, contact me or be within 200mtrs of me. He can no attend sports day, nor my littlest girls first day at school.

My question is can we repair the damage, has anyone tried and it's worked or failed? I have no idea how he is feeling about the charges - but I know he will be angry. But if it means he gets the help he needs can it be seen as a positive?? Can we move forward? Or am I kidding myself that once something like this has happened there's no going back

Why on EARTH would you want to? He sounds awful!

For you & the kids sake I think a divorce is the most sensible option.

Not only are you kidding yourself that this is just a minor thing that's fixable, you are not considering what is best for your children. I bet your husband doesn't have anger management issues at work, just at home. If he became so abusive in public that police were called you can only imagine what might have happened had this loss of temper happened behind closed doors. You have had a lucky escape. Don't let your children grow up thinking this is how relationships are.

Absolutely, your relationship as co parents may survive, if he takes responsibility for his actions, and doesn't just blame you. If he takes responsibility and understands he can't behave like that you should start looking at co parenting separately. If not do your best to keep him away from you and the kids.

No, and you're risking social services action if you try.

Walk away from him, please.
I totally guarantee you will have a better, happier, healthier life, both for you and your children.
Do not subject your children to this toxic relationship just because it’s your normal.
He will never change, the anger will just continue to fester and grow in him.
Ffs why stay in such a vile relationship?

I feel ashamed for asking, he does have anger issues at work but he's self employed so never had to deal with them. He's been brought up in a horrid circle of physical and mental abuse from both his parents and his mothers husbands after (she's been married 4 times) each husband treated her the same as the last.

He's always said he wanted what I had as a child and how my parents are for his family - I'm not making any excuses for his behaviour- but could some of this be nurtured??

What makes you think he'd be different if you tried again? Has he actively sought help for anger? Has it impacted on your children? What do they want?

It's all very well him pulling the "I had a bad childhood" card, but it means fuck all if his behaviour is giving your children the same.

No, I don't think a relationship can survive behaviour leading to police charges. Because I've lived with a man who only escalated every time, and I ended up fleeing because he'd have killed me and DS1.

It didn't start that way, but it didn't take long once he realised he had me under control

I take it that it wasn't you who called police?

What did he do? And what was he charged with?

I dont think you should be considering taking him back, but you seem to think what happened wasnt a big deal. Why?

I don't really understand either, you were the one who suggested the split. Why are you now changing your mind and deciding you want him back? What's changed?

You are describing an abusive relationship. Take this opportunity to get the hell out of it. Very few abusers are capable of change and he is certainly giving no indication that he even intends to.

You can't fix this - only he can. Take all the support you can get and get out.

You're delusional, sorry. He has never given a shiny shit by all accounts about his anger. And why should he have? When he has a wife who'll live with it? Why on earth should he change, when he's forgiven time after time?

So what, you think he'll get a bit of a shock and change his entire personality??! That doesn't happen outside of TV. This is his personality. This is how he is made. And who gives a shit why he is this way, this is how he is.

So you can take him back and Mammy him and gamble that being sympathetic and understanding will magically change his entire character.... But it's a gamble you'll be submitting your children to. Apparently they just have to tag along for the roller-coaster ride and pray they don't get lasting issues from being forced to grow up in a house where they're all walking on Eggshells, waiting for the next eruption.

If you take him back, better sit your kids down and say "Best of Luck, guys!".

Can people change? Yes. Do violent people tell their partners they want to change? Yes. Do they want to change. Rarely if ever.

You can’t nurture violence out of a person, they need specialist help, they need to want to change and it takes years.

From having dealt with 100’s of DV incidents I’m yet to see 1 that survived police contact. But those who did leave their violent partners in yet to see any that regretted it 12 months later.

You have 2 young children and work , do you really have time and energy to put into "nurturing" your ex? He wants to uproot you all, away from familiarity and support of friends, purely for his own benefit on the promise of change - huge red flag. Stay put and rebuild your life while he is out of reach.

I spent ages staying with men who were arseholes because they had shit childhoods, and I thought that because I could see that, and that they were victims, I could help them.

It is true: they did have shit childhoods. It's also true that their childhoods shaped them into the twisted people they became.

What wasn't true was that I could help them.

No.

What I was doing was perpetuating my own childhood pattern of being in unbearable circumstances - because that's the only thing I knew, and in the vain hope that I could do now what I couldn't do back then: change my parents.

You can't do a thing, OP. Except save yourself, and leave.

He says he doesn't want the same cycle of abuse and yet here he is, dishing it out. Crocodile tears.

He's responsible for his own behaviour and his shit childhood doesn't mean that he can't do that. My father had a shit childhood and he said that as a result he vowed that we would never ever be exposed to the same. And he lived nearly 90 years and never so much as raised his voice to my mum.

My dad had a shit childhood but unfortunately he followed in his fathers footsteps. My mum always used the 'oh he had an awful childhood ' excuse. Seriously, you won't change him no matter how much nurturing you do. Growing up with an angry abusive parent has caused me severe anxiety and PTSD problems now as an adult. Do you want that for your children ? If you take him back and the police are called numerous times again the police WILL get social services involved. I know it's hard taking that leap, but for your children's sake you need to call it a day.

I would tell him, quite frankly that he has started to subject his children to the same childhood he had, and ask him that makes him feel.

I had a crap childhood, and I was determined NOT to do the same to my children, so I do everything in my power to parent completely differently to my mother.

If he wants it bad enough, he can turn it around. Has he has any type of counseling, or anger management?

Sorry, wanted to add that for him to be how he is, and be the parent he is (being threatening and abusive in front of his child) doesn't make me think he wants to change.

It doesn't have to be violent to be abuse op. And I wonder how many other occasions he has been abusive when your children are present. Don't think they don't see it just because they aren't in the same room.

Thank you for your messages I suppose it takes time for the heart and the head to agree.

I suggested that we separated yes, but I also thought he'd see my reasonings and see a compromise that would suit us both.

Do you mean you were bluffing? The problems that caused uou to issue your ultimatum have not gone. It seems nothing has changed. In fact things got worse. I'm assuming it wasn't you who called the police and if he's on bail with those considions I'd also assume it was quite bad, worse than you're articulating here.

I Think you need to take some Time out to see what you want and what's causing uou to behave as you are.

Are you a bit of a fixer, OP?
Well, forget the husband. Fix your children.

With police charges, this is a golden opportunity to leave husband, and obtain majority custody to protect the children from him. If you take him back, you will lose that opportunity.

I was never bluffing - I'm a little insulted by such comment, I simply thought we could come to a compromise rather than uprooting the family and what we have because it's more convenient for him.

I wanted us to work out if we could fix any issues we had (I felt we had drifted apart, he was always working and I was always at home with the kids) he resented always working and me being at home & I resented him for never being at home and having to struggle with the kids and the house. We felt like 2 people in a house rather than a couple. But as much as I didn't like the situation I always believed when both kids were at school and I did not relay on childcare to go to work the stress & the pressures would lift meaning we found each other as a couple again.

For 5 mths he has been at his mums with a you either move with me or we split up attitude, however at every opportunity he has begged me to agreed to the life plan he feels is best for the family. But I disagree and he has known long before now I don't want to move back to a city life now we have kids. I've become exhausted with the same record and sales pitch he gives me each time we meet or spoke on the phone - every time stating I didn't want to move, but I also don't want the family to fall apart.

Things came to a head - and I just said I am fed up of fighting, if we can't compromise what's the point. Our relationship is such a mess i couldn't ever feel confident moving to the city for him would work. Because of this and my lack of fight to keep us together now he just seemed to loose the plot.

A compromise to me is moving to a smaller house where we live - and as a result lowering our overheads. which would mean him not having to work so much.

His compromise was to move nearer work - he felt he could pop in and out of the home & be about more to help, but the reality is we'd be moving to a smaller house that needs renovation and have a similar mortgage. Yes he could be at home more but he'd still be working huge hours to then pay for the renovations (IMO) therefore the work life balance will be no different for him & in turn we have moved away from our friends, school etc and loving a city life rather than country.

As a result of him loosing the plot, he's now facing charge of threatening & abusive behaviour. I understand he is hurting and desperate to keep the family together but now it would seem his desperation has made actions happen that should never have - I didn't call the police, nor did I have a choice to press charges, nor have a say in the bail conditions- it was all put in place after the police took a statement.

Why weren't you the one to call the police?

You do understand I hope that generally people are still VERY reluctant to call the police for "domestics"? And that the police are also usually quite reluctant to push for certain charges and bail conditions without the agreement/request from spouse/partner?

So that strongly suggests to me his behaviour was not only really quite bad for the police to have been called it also sounds as if he didn't remotely calm down once they were there!

That's very concerning.

You DO need to acknowledge this isn't "stress" or "pressure" or any other excuse, this is his choice to behave like this - and I don't just mean the incident on that day.

His refusal to compromise, putting pressure on you to make a change that you believe will have a massive negative impact on your family, without considering your point of view is also bullying behaviour. And he can't blame that on "temper" even.

With the police involvement and the bail conditions if you were to consider getting back with him there is also a very strong chance that the police will refer your family to SS and I can't see them looking favourably on you exposing your children to such an aggressive man!

Your kids HAVE to come first.

You're dangerously close to becoming his "rescuer" when you clearly don't have the emotional distance and expertise to do so.

IF he wants to change there's a very small chance that he can do so with intensive therapy with an expert in such things but honestly it's extremely rare, because the feelings and habits that inform such behaviour are usually set in childhood and adolescence and patterns set then are incredibly difficult to undo.