Can a relationship survive police charges

[frogem366]

Please don't judge everything is very raw and new:

I had to contact the police last week as my now ex partners anger became bad. I believe he's had anger management issues along with depression for some time. But would never seek help. I've tried for years to help & put up with this moods, but after 9yrs and bringing the kids up it became tiresome.

Our separation journey started before Xmas when we really didn't seem to gel, in the new year he advised he wanted us to move as a family closer to his & my work. But I didn't want to uproot our children (6&5) because it felt like we were just moving our relationship issues. Our house went up for sale and I was always firm I didn't not want to move from the area. My ex worked lots of hours so my compromise was he would work less if we moved to a smaller house - less overheads etc. He has been very head strong in what he feels is the right thing for the family (move to the city - 30min commute, so we have more family time) my idea of more family time is downsize where we are. We live in an amazing little village - with first class schools & a safe environment for our children to grow up at their own speed.

Anyway for 5 months my ex has pleaded and begged me to agree to move with him. But I really don't feel it's the right decision for the family and for the first time I have been firm and said no. The house is in his name so I can't stop the sale, but I can choose where my next home is.

Long story short I've become exhausted with the constant pleading, he has stayed on and off with his family - and finally I said I couldn't see any other way but for the family to separate as neither can see the positives of the other's views and there is no compromise. This did not go down well, and in a public place he completely lost himself in anger and became threatening and verbally abusive. Because my youngest was there the police were called and he is now facing police charges which are outwith my control.

We've had ups and downs as a couple, who doesn't but I really believed that if the house sold we would fix it, but now with the police charges I'm not sure it can be fixed. There is bail conditions until his next hearing that he cannot come to the house, contact me or be within 200mtrs of me. He can no attend sports day, nor my littlest girls first day at school.

My question is can we repair the damage, has anyone tried and it's worked or failed? I have no idea how he is feeling about the charges - but I know he will be angry. But if it means he gets the help he needs can it be seen as a positive?? Can we move forward? Or am I kidding myself that once something like this has happened there's no going back

He's a licensed taxi driver with a serious anger problem? I bloody hope he loses his job asap!!!

OP, in your opening post, you wrote that you’ve been together 9 years. You later ask if his behaviour could change by nurture as he has said he wants to be more like your parents. It’s been 9 years and culminating in his abusive behaviour to you in public. That says a lot about his behaviour only changing for the worse.

You also wrote that he has anger issues at work, then later added he is self employed taxi driver. If he’s angry at work - that means his fates get the brunt of his anger. He would have eventually lost his taxi licence anyway. He is bearing the brunt of his own problem - his behaviour and his behaviour alone has led to the police action and charges.

I hope you can realise some of your investment in the house and use it as a learning event to protect yourself (financially) in future.

If you can’t sell the house, are you able to take in lodgers to help pay the mortgage? In the short term, Rent out the entire house to pay the mortgage until better fine to sell? With yourself renting something smaller in the interim (trying to think of ways to protect the investment in the house). Presumably your ex is still working until he has actually been to court and found guilty?

"He's self employed taxi driver, his taxi licence to work will be revoked"

Seriously?! Good!!!

I wouldn't want someone like that dealing with vulnerable passengers!

Plus - wtf! Why the hell would a taxi driver need to move "nearer to work"????

And yes he could and should do a different job.

"I hope you can realise some of your investment in the house and use it as a learning event to protect yourself (financially) in future.

If you can’t sell the house, are you able to take in lodgers to help pay the mortgage? In the short term, Rent out the entire house to pay the mortgage until better fine to sell? With yourself renting something smaller in the interim (trying to think of ways to protect the investment in the house)."

ITS NOT HER HOUSE!

She can't do any of that.

If he so chooses (and it's entirely possible given his attitude) he can sell the house from under her, keep any money left over and leave op and kids homeless.

She'll have lost any money she's "invested" because she hasn't ensured she has a legal claim.

and in a public place he completely lost himself in anger and became threatening and verbally abusive. Because my youngest was there the police were called

Please put your children first. What if next time it isn't in public and he goes one step further and hits you, or your child. Why would you want to be with a man who calls you a fucking cunt in front of your children?

I think the concern would be that if he is so aggressive in public , what goes on at home. Op, might you have just come to accept verbal abuse as normal? If he loses his licence he will need to find alternative work. Does he work for a taxi firm or just himself?

Oh my goodness why oh why would you have put all your money into a house that doesn’t have your name on it??