Can a relationship survive police charges

[frogem366]

Please don't judge everything is very raw and new:

I had to contact the police last week as my now ex partners anger became bad. I believe he's had anger management issues along with depression for some time. But would never seek help. I've tried for years to help & put up with this moods, but after 9yrs and bringing the kids up it became tiresome.

Our separation journey started before Xmas when we really didn't seem to gel, in the new year he advised he wanted us to move as a family closer to his & my work. But I didn't want to uproot our children (6&5) because it felt like we were just moving our relationship issues. Our house went up for sale and I was always firm I didn't not want to move from the area. My ex worked lots of hours so my compromise was he would work less if we moved to a smaller house - less overheads etc. He has been very head strong in what he feels is the right thing for the family (move to the city - 30min commute, so we have more family time) my idea of more family time is downsize where we are. We live in an amazing little village - with first class schools & a safe environment for our children to grow up at their own speed.

Anyway for 5 months my ex has pleaded and begged me to agree to move with him. But I really don't feel it's the right decision for the family and for the first time I have been firm and said no. The house is in his name so I can't stop the sale, but I can choose where my next home is.

Long story short I've become exhausted with the constant pleading, he has stayed on and off with his family - and finally I said I couldn't see any other way but for the family to separate as neither can see the positives of the other's views and there is no compromise. This did not go down well, and in a public place he completely lost himself in anger and became threatening and verbally abusive. Because my youngest was there the police were called and he is now facing police charges which are outwith my control.

We've had ups and downs as a couple, who doesn't but I really believed that if the house sold we would fix it, but now with the police charges I'm not sure it can be fixed. There is bail conditions until his next hearing that he cannot come to the house, contact me or be within 200mtrs of me. He can no attend sports day, nor my littlest girls first day at school.

My question is can we repair the damage, has anyone tried and it's worked or failed? I have no idea how he is feeling about the charges - but I know he will be angry. But if it means he gets the help he needs can it be seen as a positive?? Can we move forward? Or am I kidding myself that once something like this has happened there's no going back

It happened in a car park, outside a store. The store called the police.

I was given no choice in the charges nor spoke to about the bail

I don't understand the term "rescuer" what is meant by I don't have the expertise or emotional distance? I'm not a silly young girl. I've taken non of this lightly - I'm 43 and never experienced such extreme ever

Was he shouting, threatening, physically violent?

It must have been quite bad for a passerby to call.

Yet you seem to think it's not a massive deal.

Shouting

So he was shouting, but not threatening. A passerby called the police, they arrested him and charged him. And he cant go near you or the kids....for shouting in public?

You are minimising this. Which those of us in abusive relationships often do. It's good that's it been taken out of your hands. It's not ok for kids to grow up like this.

For their sake at least, your shoildnt even be wondering if you can get passed it.

How can you even consider this?? Think of your children....do they not deserve better?

Please don't

I made this mistake

It didn't get better

The bas**rd got worse

Sorry you been through this

I am OVER THE MOON the store rang the police

Why my down stairs neighbours did not call the police - they could hear many many abusive attacks - I will never know

They wouldn't impose those bail conditions for shouting at you, OP.

"It happened in a car park, outside a store. The store called the police" which is a pita for them because they'd then have to give witness statements etc so it must have been quite bad.

"I was given no choice in the charges nor spoke to about the bail " but do you not see that is a concern? That YOU didn't take it as seriously as the shop people AND the police?

"I don't understand the term "rescuer" " - someone who wants to "fix" someone else even if that person doesn't want fixing. Google "white knight syndrome"

"what is meant by I don't have the expertise or emotional distance? I'm not a silly young girl. I've taken non of this lightly - I'm 43 and never experienced such extreme ever" " you're not a professional psychologist, counsellor or psychiatrist I don't believe, you're also too close emotionally to him as he's your partner/stbex partner and father of your children. You can't view or assess his issues objectively.

Sorry I don't believe he was just shouting either. I come from a violent, abusive home background myself and my brother is now a police officer too. Extremely rare for someone to even be arrested if it's just shouting - not least because of the lack of resources at the moment. He certainly wouldn't have received those bail conditions JUST for shouting.

You're seriously minimising whatever happened and that's dangerous for your kids and you, but you have a choice your kids don't.

STOP minimising, excusing and defending him.

STOP thinking you can fix this

STOP putting yourself and your kids at risk.

Well they did - the words that were used by him "fu£&ing c&@t*, your a fu£&ing c&@t*" repeatedly- because I said I saw no other option but to go our separate ways...... the charge is going ahead because of the way he got out of his car and came towards me is recorded on cctv

That's not just shouting then. That's physically showing aggression too.

So he was displaying threatening behaviour.

It's good the police are taking this seriously. Abuse escalates. Soon it wont be shouting and waling towards you aggressively. It will be attacking you.

Do you realise, if you get back with them, theres a good chance Social Services will get involved. He maybe the abuser, but if you cant he trusted to out your kids first, they will have to deal with that. It's you they will look at.

I asked both the police and social services at the time of the incident as well as the health visitors (as they received a report from the police) and all 3 advise they had no concerns with him seeing the children & having overnight access as long as the kids were happy to go.

It didn't sit well considering the lengths the police have gone for witnesses , bail etc, so I asked for confirmation in writing but I was assured that it was not necessary as there were no issues with regarding him having the children

Him having the children for contact and you living with him again are 2 separate issues as far as SS are concerned.

I disagree personally but the view is that it's your relationship (you and him) that's volatile and likely to lead to risk but if he's ok with the kids without you there then that's fine.

I disagree because as the kids get older and more likely to challenge him and his authority there's more risk of harm. Plus there's the issue of his poor temper control generally.

So how are you facilitating contact and him keeping bail conditions? It all sounds rather more serious than you are willing to admit, what support are you receiving?

There wasn’t a compromise before and there won’t be again. He wants to move.

If he sells the house what will you do? Are you married ?

Contact arrangements are being made via his dad and myself until the courts have dealt with the offence. Because of the charge and this charge alone (threatening & abusing behaviour) he is going to loose his job, in turn he will drown in debt and our family home will end up being repossessed.

The family home is in his sole name only, we aren't married, it's currently up for sale but because of the price we have and very limited interest given the current housing market. We have both invested all assets from our previous own homes (his flat & my house) to this house, and have spent 50/50 on the mortgage, however he is solely responsible legally as he is the sole owner.

If the house had sold under normal circumstances the plan via family solicitor's was to split all profit & equity 50:50 but should the property be repossessed I just have to hope there's still my investment in the home left when it's all sorted out after the mortgage company and the legal fees are cleared.

It's a royal mess, for which we are all suffering, now and in the future

But this mess is his fault, and he needs to see and acknowledge this before you can move on. If he hadn’t been insisting you all move to where he wanted, this would not have happened. Real relationships din’t Work like this. Each party can put their pov and both parties compromise.

Your p does not compromise.

His behaviour must have been terrifying for a store to call the police, and for the police to put all the safeguards in place.

Come 8n, op, you must see this.

It sounds like this move was about isolating you OP.
If your best friend told you this story or your daughter, would you be telling them to smooth it all over and go back to him? You’re out, you’ve done the hard bit. You can’t fix him.

How am he lose his job if he is self employed?

How am he lose his job if he is self employed?

Excellent question!

Also why on EARTH did you put so much money into a house you have absolutely no claim on?!

IF there's money left over from any debts as a result of his business going under and house repossessed etc you're not legally entitled to any of it! Did you not realise this?

Yet another thread where marriage is proven to be better than cohabiting.

When are women going to stop disadvantaging themselves in this way?

You put all your money in his name?

He is self employed, so wether he keeps his job or not, you will struggle to CMS.

Can you keep up the mortgage payments?

This mess is because of him. Not charges or the fact that someone called the police. Because of him.

He's self employed taxi driver, his taxi licence to work will be revoked

He can get another job.

Maybe he should have thought of that before he abused you.

And, to be honest, you should have thought of that before everything was out in his name with no marriage.

He could have lost his licence for any variety of reasons.

These police charges may well be the best thing to have ever happened to you. It's a bloody good job this was in public. He could have really hurt you behind closed doors.

If he loses his job, great. Think of it as a favour to all those who would have been stuck in a confined space with a man who can’t control his temper.