How do other people cope with the OW?

[Whoknows11]

I struggle and have done for 4 years on how another woman can act the way she does.

Today she was pick up at school with my ex, picking my children up!

She's become friends with people I used to be friends with.

What's her game? Why would you act that way, still?

I understand how difficult this is, but @Roomba gives excellent, level-headed and sensible advice I know it's bloody tough and a right struggle, but it really is worth getting some support and help to avoid becoming one of those embittered people who can't get beyond a traumatic life event. You sound absolutely raw about this still - hyper-sensitive and hurting like hell. To get past that is difficult, I know, bit it is doable.

You have so much to offer, and with what sounds like a joint custody arrangement, you have some freedom too. Why not take that and use it to forge your own path, in your own way? There are plenty of great men (and women) out there who are single, plenty of exciting career opportunities, plenty of chances to do something sporty or creative or whatever makes you happy. Your life didn't end when your cheating OP left. You still have choices!

I think downcasteyes is giving you good advice here. If you continue to let it hurt and dominate you like this, then it's only you that looses out. Revenge is as they say, a life well lived.

School gate friends are simply acquaintances, the relationships pass when the kids move on. So what if she chats to them. It's irrelevant. It doesn't mean you can't.

It really is time to focus on your own happiness. ITs been four years now. Other than being your children's father and his partner, they should mean little to you other than children liaison and care . That's where you need to aim.

It's time to focus on developing a happy fulfilled life and put this hurt behind you.

Some great advice thanks and some very supportive comments.

We share our children 70/30 and I do find even with that 30% me time I'm normally working so not much time for me. Although when my youngest starts school in sept it'll be a chance to evaluate my career and maybe take up new ventures!

80% of the time I'm in a good place with it all but sometimes the situation gets me down. In those moments I try and remind myself I've had a lucky escape and even if they seem happy on the outside it's not all it appears behind closed doors.

I'd love to meet someone but after giving online dating a couple of tries, it's been such a rollercoaster I honestly feel happy on my own! One day......

"Although when my youngest starts school in sept it'll be a chance to evaluate my career and maybe take up new ventures!"

Attagirl. There needs to be a million fistbump emojis here!!

You're totally allowed to have a moan about it on here too. What he did was utterly, utterly despicable, a real dish of shit three ways. I'm glad that you are able to be upbeat most of the time. It really is worth focusing on your own wellbeing, happiness and serenity from here on out. Someone as nice as you will surely meet someone new and much better sooner or later, possibly in the most unlikely of places.

You get all the medals, OP. I don't know how you manage.
Your situation absolutely sucks. I don't understand men who are happy to have all this shit all over their own doorstep. Men like your ex just love drama and the smell of their own runny faeces all over town. It's weird, isn't it? You'd think he'd want space. You think he'd, at the very least, give you that much.

Is there a reason all of you have to be at school pick-up and drop-off at the same time? Does she have kids herself at the school?

The OW gets the same ol' shit, you know. Same shit, different woman. I know it's hard to see this. And I'm not a big 'karma's gonna get you' believer at all. But the reality is, men like your ex do not change. They're too self-centred to be bothered to change/improve. And no, she won't magically change him into a great guy. Men like your ex live by the 'Why mess with perfect?' mentality. He's the same turd to her that he was to you. That's cold comfort.

Your road will rise to meet you, OP. Four years is still a bit on the raw side. I found five years on was the magic moment for me. I really healed then.

TheVanguardSix
Wow couldn’t have put it better spot on.

Once when I saw him on his weekend with our children I asked where our youngest was and he replied " with their family" as in his girlfriend (ow).

He is intentionally winding you up and that's also what they're doing by both turning up to school pick up. He sounds like a complete shit who is still getting pleasure from tormenting you and she is helping him to do it.

Try to hold your head up and not give a toss...but I know from experience that it's really hard when the woman who didn't care about two small children when she was shagging their dad then starts to try to play mummy and care about them!!

I just want to say I feel your pain. I dont think anyone can truly comment on this unless they have felt the pain and anguish of being lied to over an affair. The OW will always be the other OW in my book. My STBXH will always be a narcissitic, selfish, pathological liar with an over inflated ego. What would be a massive step forward if people who had affairs actually showed some remorse and held their hands up and said I'm sorry. However, in my case, my STBXH has acted with complete arrogance and has denied affair is continuing and has continued to try to control me and make my life as difficult as possible. On the plus side I am feeling stronger every day and literally want to shout it from the rooftops how glad I am to finally have got rid of a selfish liar out of my life. Literally, rise above it. Walk down that school with a smile on your face knowing that she is stuck with a man who can lie to his wife.

Thank you, so many of you have it spot on and the advice is great. It gives me strength knowing I'm not the crazy one and 4 years down the line their games are still affecting me.

She had no reason to be at pick up this week. Their child is not yet at school so like people have said she was only their to prob play more games.

I only wish I could have moved. I worry about trying again. Court was so stressful and hearing the lies he told was so difficult to take. Especially hearing his sob story with it all. He's always blaming me for things and never can take responsibility for anything. And his lies continue. I feel I don't and can't trust him which also worries me.

Our youngest recently broke his arm whilst with his dad. He didn't tell me he'd hurt it, apparently argued with his gf whether to take him to hospital or not (both my children told me this). Then on handover the next day failed to mention anything. My child was clearly in pain and I had to email to ask him what had happened to his arm. I took him to hospital, he met us there and when the Dr told us it was broken my ex said " I feel like I could cry, I'm devastated, I should have brought him yesterday". So instantly turning the situation on him, like I should feel sorry for him when the real concern was our 3 yr old. I was so cross he'd not consulted me when arguing with his gf whether to take our child to hospital or not. And then not even telling me he'd fallen from a climbing frame which he hadn't been watching him.on!!

So sadly I feel he has no respect for me, our children's mother still. Again I question this a lot 🤔

If you try to work him out you'll drive yourself mad.

He's not normal. He's likely not capable of the same complex human connection as the majority of people. The only access he has to strong emotions is by manipulating it in others, and observing it, so this is what he attempts to do, in upsetting you. Just keep a good emotional distance and when your kids are around 13 you'll barely need to have anything to do with him again. It will go fast, just keep busy and keep living your own life. Go completely grey rock (google), make yourself utterly boring so that he turns elsewhere for his abusive supply ... "oh look, my new girlfriend."

You'll get there. I promise.

Good advice.... there is a book called "becoming a narsasist nightmare" its very good. X

My ex cheated and did far far worse and I hated and despised them both for a long long time, not only because of what they did to me but for my boys, their father destroyed them both it was horrific. We had a bad time.

But it got to a point where I needed to let go because it was all consuming and affecting all of us. Really I just needed to live my own life and not dwell on the past I moved on had 2 more kids and we ended up being civil/almost nice.
But it took a few years, and I’m quite sure they didn’t sit wondering what I was up to or if I was playing games etc so wasn’t going to waste time doing the same.

Enjoy your ‘me’ time when your youngest starts school, move on and be happy for you. Leave them to it.