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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

How do other people cope with the OW?

88 replies

Whoknows11 · 29/04/2019 20:24

I struggle and have done for 4 years on how another woman can act the way she does.

Today she was pick up at school with my ex, picking my children up!

She's become friends with people I used to be friends with.

What's her game? Why would you act that way, still?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 09:48

@downcasteyes - depends on the country. In India for example male adultery is illegal and men can be prosecuted for it in some states. What often means is that lawyers bend over backwards to arrange alimony for the women affected so they agree to a ‘no fault’ / mutual divorce - which is probably what the Indian government intended when putting in that law.

MargoLovebutter · 30/04/2019 09:48

Whoknows11 it is so hard to deal with. I felt just the same as you.

I loathed that she attended school events for my DC and even pitched up at parents' evening. I found it hard to remain civil and the effort to repress the broiling red mist anger inside of me was monumental.

After two years she had her own children with ex-H and has never been seen at anything connected with my DC since, which was a huge relief to me, although the DC found her switch from the role of 'adoring step-mum to be' to utterly disinterested actual step-mother confusing.

I now clearly see both my ex and her as being fairly despicable human beings. Ex-H is an arsehole and she actively pursued him knowing he was married, so they are welcome to each other.

Stay strong, remember that the pain will ease and you will move on.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 09:48

I also don't think you can compare stealing and cheating. You can't steal a person and no one knows why he cheated or left the op and ended their relationship. A person is not a possession. Once they make a commitment to you it does not mean own them for life. It is not like your car, where you own it till you sell it and you keep it for as long as you wish. And that someone can take if off of you without your permission. Because a person is not an inanimate object.

I also don't think if you stole once, it defines you for the rest of your life either and you should for ever more be branded a thief.

So no I don't think a thief is still a thief if they are not stealing. I think just like the ow, they may once have been a thief, but if they are no longer stealing and have no intention of every doing so again, then they were simply once a thief.

Ivy44 · 30/04/2019 09:49

Infidelity is unforgivable. It happened to me years ago, thankfully we weren’t married with kids, nor was I pregnant. We lived together so I should have seen the signs earlier. It’s horrendous, the feeling of betrayal. I was quite young and impressionable and even when I found out I forgave him and begged him to stay (he was a manipulator). He went anyway and freed me up to meet a much nicer, caring man who I now have a DC with. Took me a long time to get over the betrayal though.

Sending you hugs and I hope that you meet someone much better too. As others have said, infidelity is ingrained and he is likely to do it to her too.

Just keep your head and be polite but cool with them. Make sure your DC are brought up to not think it’s ok to betray the trust of others.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 09:52

teddybear -Sorry, I should have confined those remarks to the UK! I am sure it is different elsewhere than here. That, however, doesn't really invalidate the point that stealing and infidelity are not equal sins before the law here Smile.

I've been cheated on. I don't to seem like I'm minimising how terrible it is as a betrayal BUT I also think there is a horrible pit of jealousy and despair that some women enter and then struggle to escape, and it's not a healthy place to be.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 09:56

downcasteyes, restorative justice requires repentance to be effective.

A repentant "former", or recovered 🤣 OW does not attempt to make friends with the ex wifes friends. A repentant person would leave OP alone and make other friends.

Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 09:57

@PicsInRed - they probably OP and her partner’s joint friends.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 10:03

So no I don't think a thief is still a thief if they are not stealing

Outside of literal survival situations, it takes a certain type of person to steal. They never change. Same with cheaters and OW/M. Other than as necessary in a literal survival situation (e g maybe war, need a man to help feed the starving kids while hubbies on the front?) they all enjoy the thrill of getting one over on someone else, the trickery and social violation of it, the small amount of power they have of taking something important to someone else and trashing it. That's the thrill. Feeling like the "winner" only because someone else "lost". It's a defect of human social connection and not something that can be changed in them.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 10:05

I meant to say retributive justice, not redistributive justice! And not restorative, which is different again.

I do actually agree with you that showing some repentence for the hurt caused is important. The woman who cheated emotionally with my exP was a friend, and her behaviour when caught was just awful and it did make things worse. However, I'm not sure that mutual friends of a couple should be placed in a position where they are forced to choose between two sides. I've had this happen and you feel awful because you often see both sides of it and care about both parties. (Obviously, where one part of the couple is a best/close friend and the other an acquaintance you're mandated by loyalty to take a side!)

Karigan195 · 30/04/2019 10:08

What you are struggling with is fear of being replaced and rejection. She is a physical manifestation of the same. She’s already replaced you with your partner now she’s replacing you with mutual friends and stepping into parent role with school pick ups.

Yes ordinary things but you are allowed feelings too. Try to remember best revenge is living your life happy. Get out. Have fun. Try to put your emotions in a little box. Let them be but don’t let them loose.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 10:12

The point is that a repentant OW wouldn't ask the friends to choose. She would allow OP to keep what OP has left of her life rather than attempting to usurp the lot and leave OP with no support. OW continues to behave like an OW. That's why she's still an OW.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/04/2019 10:19

Today she was pick up at school with my ex, picking my children up!

This is really, really gutting. And you have my complete sympathy.

You know though, there is only one answer: forget about her/try to reach a stage of indifference, and lead your very best life with your head held high.

I wish you the very best of luck.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 10:20

PicsInRed - but surely you can see that many social relationships don't work that way? What is she supposed to do - to go to her bedroom whenever friends call at the house? To refuse to go out with friends of the DH to restaurants or the pub when invited?

Many people like to stay in touch with both halves of a separated couple.

NoBaggyPants · 30/04/2019 10:36

The point is that a repentant OW wouldn't ask the friends to choose.

There's no suggestion that she has. However there's also no right for the OP to claim friends as hers and therefore the new partner cannot also be friends with them. I'm sure these people are adult enough to make their own choices, and to be friends with both if they wish to.

Ivy44 · 30/04/2019 10:52

Are they actually being friends with the OW? As in going out for dinner etc or are they just being polite at the school gates / play dates?

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 11:10

They are OP's friends, a repentant OW wouldn't attempt to make friends with them at all. Period. That's the point. She would leave the rest of OPs life alone.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 11:15

As someone already pointed out, they are likely to be friends of the COUPLE. If the OW is actually wandering around deliberately hoovering up the OP's friends to cause offence and push her out, then yes that is intrusive and wrong. But the chances are that she is thrown in the way of these people by circumstances, and they are getting along. Friendship is a two-way street, too - people make their own choices.

I ended up getting exasperated with a close friend of mine whose wife cheated on him. He blamed everyone who knew about the affair for not telling him. Most of those people were friends with both him and his wife, and felt that they had divided loyalties. He also insisted that people had to choose whom they befriended after the split. He ended up losing a load of mates, quite unnecessarily, because he lacked the gumption to understand that most people just wanted to remain friend with both parties.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 11:26

She would allow OP to keep what OP has left of her life rather than attempting to usurp the lot and leave OP with no support. OW continues to behave like an OW. That's why she's still an OW

Your thought process is incredibly odd. And Illogical. Surely you must grasp they are his friends too, and that clearly they socialise as a couple with them.

Just like her husband wasn't a possession, neither are the friends. They have a right to choose if they wish to maintain the friendship with the husband and subsequently his new partner. They have chosen to. They can also chose to socialise and maintain a relationship with the op at the same time. It is not either or.

The fact this woman was for a short period the other woman, does not mean she can now never socialise with his friends, and that he has to end all his friendships because he was unfaithful to the op for a period.

People are not possessions. You need to stop posting like they are.

Roomba · 30/04/2019 11:31

I've been in a very similar situation, OP. Split with my ex just after DS2's birth, clearly was seeing OW before this but still denies it. She was pregnant within a couple of months of him moving out, they are now married and she is now Stepmum to my DC. It felt horrible at first, but tbh I am just grateful she got him off my hands now and glad it's her that has to put up with him! She did me a huge favour in a weird way. They often bicker when I dropping/collecting the DC and she just looks at me with this 'you know exactly what he's like, don't you, it's him not me' expression!

Having made a monumental effort to rein in feelings of animosity towards her (if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else, HE was the one who behaved badly towards me) I find that I like her a lot more than I like him. I wouldn't quite say that we're 'friends', but my ex is so useless busy with work that it is her I text about arrangements and it's usually her I deal with face to face when dropping kids off etc. She's a better parent than him and she parents their half sister the way I parent my DC so very little friction there. I've been very lucky, but it could easily have been very unamicable indeed. I had to bite my tongue a lot in the early days and felt just awful when it was her picking my DC up from school and chatting to my friends. And it was hardest of all when I was really struggling financially on UC when they were putting down a deposit on a lovely big house, with her family helping out and they could take the DC out to nice places which I couldn't afford Sad. Worth holding my tongue for the sake of my DC's stability and happiness though, they're not stupid and they are relieved we all try to be civil and avoid rows .

Roomba · 30/04/2019 11:36

But... it's hard for me as I can see the same controlling behaviour from my ex, and I know he'll do the same to her as he did to me.

God, yes - I see my ex treating his new wife just as he treated me. But if I'd warned her, she'd never have believed my version of events over his. I think she sees it now though!

Chocmallows · 30/04/2019 11:53

OP ultimately how you feel is up to you and you can feel the same way as long as you want.

From my experience, from 3 years ago, I first bitterly hated OW. When I first started doing things alone and dating I wanted to find a better person than my exH and I wanted to have more and be more than OW. I realised I was giving them more thought than I gave myself - what did I want / like / fancy?

I would like anyone who's ever suffered through an affair to take all their energy into having a separate and better life. Why reward an ex and OW with any attention?

I now see exH and OW as my DC's dad and partner. The school refers to them as this too and on the rare times they attend things I think it's good for DC.

My DC have decided she is not stepmum, just use first name, but if they feel differently in the future that's their decision to make.

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/04/2019 12:04

OP. Honestly hating him and her isn’t going to hurt them. They don’t care. All it’s doing is hurting you. You can’t change what has happened and you can’t change the people they are.

What you can do is concentrate on yourself. Raising your children and doing what’s right for you. Rise above it.

However if your exH is trying to control aspects of your life you can and SHOULD remove that control. He has NO say in your life. He only has a say in the children’s lives.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 12:18

I inferred it as the OP's own friends/school gate friends, obviously if they are actually her ex's friends that's completely another story. Would still hurt, of course. And horrid if they were actually joint friends and OP was edged out in favour of new partner.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 30/04/2019 15:12

They were my school gate friends, he didn't bother with pick ups for the first 2 years. Now he acts like dad of the year and his infidelity is all forgotten. I feel completely pushed out in many ways and I'm forced to live here where I have no support and have to watch them all playing happy families.

Once when I saw him on his weekend with our children I asked where our youngest was and he replied " with their family" as in his girlfriend (ow). Our child was 2 years old at the time and obviously very innocent in all of this. That's just an example of the hurt he's tries to cause me on a weekly basis. I now don't ask where they are if I bump into them and they're not with him, it was like a stab to the heart with that comment.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 15:31

Whoknows, that seems very intentionally done to cause maximum social - and therefore emotional - damage to you. That's absolutely disgusting. Flowers

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