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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

How do other people cope with the OW?

88 replies

Whoknows11 · 29/04/2019 20:24

I struggle and have done for 4 years on how another woman can act the way she does.

Today she was pick up at school with my ex, picking my children up!

She's become friends with people I used to be friends with.

What's her game? Why would you act that way, still?

OP posts:

isthismylifenow · 30/04/2019 07:11

I agree with you Dinky. I think once you have been in the situation you see it a little differently from those who haven't.

TheGodmother · 30/04/2019 07:14

I was ill in hospital and he just walked away!

And one day my lovely lady, you will be glad he did. Thank god you saw what he was like. I had 20 years living with someone who was not who I thought he was.

You and your kids have your whole amazing life ahead of you. Whenever your mind takes you down the route of what he did to you and your dc, change your thoughts to how amazing your life is without him.

The anger and bitterness will eat you up, you're young enough and strong enough to get past this, my darling.

You've won, as she's ended up with the booby prize.

I promise it will get better, take back your mind and don't waste time and energy thinking of him!!!

azulmariposa · 30/04/2019 07:24

Life is too short!
My ex married the OW after we divorced, he denied an affair, but I knew it happened.
When I realised that it was serious between them I messaged her on Facebook and just said, you're going to be part of my dd life, so don't want to be on bad terms.
Now the relationship is quite good. She treats my dd well, and her family are lovely to dd as well.
When my ex is being an arse, she usually sorts him out.
But... it's hard for me as I can see the same controlling behaviour from my ex, and I know he'll do the same to her as he did to me.

sandgrown · 30/04/2019 07:25

My ex left for my best friend over 30 years ago. It really hurt but I never let them see and put on a good face. I really don't care now and speak to them both on the odd occasion we meet . He still tries to impress me talking about their expensive holidays and nights out but I see the horrible way he talks to her sometimes and realise I had a lucky escape!

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 07:27

RubberTreePlant She understood the first time have you gone over your post.
A little kindness goes a long way.
Never understood how a person could stamp on a persons face continuously

I "stamped on her face continuously"? How? By reiterating that OW status isn't permanent?

@Palaver1 are you feeling quite okay? Have you ever seen anyone actually be unkind?

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 07:29

I understand that you are suffering, but I think there is a point at which the OW needs to become the new woman - when it's clear the relationship is longterm, committed and part of a landscape the kids are aware of and accustomed to. I know it may be hard to hear, but moving on and leaving the hurt, bitterness and rancour behind is the best thing for your own health and peace of mind. It's easier said than done, though, which is why counselling can be useful

Tightarseparent1 · 30/04/2019 07:32

Tbh I too would find that betrayal very hard to get over and she would be a constant reminder of how much they took the piss out of you.

So yeah after four years it would still piss me off too.

I can hold grudges and that one would be till the day I die!

ukgift2016 · 30/04/2019 07:33

No family where we live. He took me to court to stop me moving and it was granted. I have no family where we live.

No wonder you feel so resentful. You are made to stay in a town with no family and still have to see your ex and the ow with your children. What a kick in the teeth.

That would make me very mad too. Give yourself a break, you are going through a lot.

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 07:34

Course she fucking is, stop down playing it! She's the other woman OPs H slept with when he shouldn't have.

I think it's just that we don't want OP to get stuck in the past.

The new partner really is NOT the OW any more. That doesn't make the affair any less shitty, or OP's pain any less. It doesn't make the start of their relationship valid.

But part of OP was;

Today she was pick up at school with my ex, picking my children up!

She's become friends with people I used to be friends with.

What's her game? Why would you act that way, still?

OP isn't going to be able to find a way forward unless she accepts that these things are happening and to be expected really. "What's her game?" in particular sounded like a question from someone stuck in their trauma.

The only way is forward.

Tightarseparent1 · 30/04/2019 07:34

are you feeling quite okay? Have you ever seen anyone actually be unkind?

Hmmm I think it’s a close line tbh. Either that or very flippant to some one that’s obviously been caused deep pain and is still hurt by it

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 07:37

Don't be silly @Tightarseparent1 it's not flippant to urge realism. It's much too easy to get stuck while the cheating bastards skip happily around.

The best revenge and all that.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 07:41

"I think it's just that we don't want OP to get stuck in the past."

SO MUCH this.

I have a colleague whose marriage broke up 20 years ago, and who has never gotten over it. It affects everything she does, every day of her life. She's a lovely lady underneath it, but the venom and hatred she feels towards OW are constantly spilling out. It's such a waste of what could have been a much better life.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 30/04/2019 07:47

I still see her as the OW. To me she's no one else and never will be. I'll never forget what she did and how horrid she still is.

I get emails from him but clearly written by her asking for pants and socks back (our children's). It's like she counts them - what a sad life.

OP posts:

ComeOnGordon · 30/04/2019 07:49

You have to somehow see it that you’ve won - you know what kind of man he is & altho you would never have chosen any of this to happen you now have your eyes open to what a scumbag he is.

She knows how they got together & will spend her whole life with him wondering if he’ll do it to her & you don’t have to live like that anymore. She thinks she’s got the prize but as a PP said it’s a very crap booby prize.

I pity my ex’s OW - we’ve been separated a year & he still keeps her a secret. She’s giving up the best years of her life to have illicit meet ups with a scumbag of a man who thought it was ok to cheat on his partner of 20 years. Not a prize I’d want.

You are free of him & I totally get that you resent being stuck in a town you don’t want to live in (I’m in a similar situation) but I’m thankful every day that I don’t have to listen to his lies anymore.

RubberTreePlant · 30/04/2019 07:51

It sounds horrible and particularly bad that he's blocking your house move.

But you're not really confused that she's going with him to school pick-up, are you?

Can you switch to sealed notes instead of email? (She can't fake his handwriting.)

It will get better once the DC are in double figures. So you're nearly half way there.

Teddybear45 · 30/04/2019 07:52

A man disgusting enough to have an affair and leave his wife while pregnant and get another woman pregnant at the same time , will do it again. You don’t need that. As for his stopping you from moving, I suggest you go back to court and fight that. Being in the same town clearly helps him more than you.

Propertywoes · 30/04/2019 07:53

The only person you're hurting is yourself.

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 08:15

I still see her as the OW. To me she's no one else and never will be

As much as I understand your pain, I think that the only person you're probably hurting now is yourself. To be the other woman means there are two women in a relationship with him. The main one and the other one. This is no longer the case.

Coming to terms with the fact they are now a couple, no matter how much you hate her, will likely be beneficial for you, as you would then be able to mentally accept she will do very normal things like pick the kids up, or socialise with him.

aprilshowers12 · 30/04/2019 08:21

Sitting behind a keyboard it would be easy to say hold your head high and go about your daily life. Anything else would make you look bad. In reality I really really don't know how I could have coped seeing the OW on a daily basis, in fact I never met her and my children only met her once in ten years. I think I would have wanted to make her feel some of the pain I was feeling. However my ex would never have done this to me or the children, he was a bit of a prat but never disrespectful or insensitive. I feel for you, I guess you can only walk with your head high and keep remembering if he cheated on you he's very likely to cheat on her ( my ex did and so have lots of other ex's of cheating friends) So smile and hold that thought when you see them

aprilshowers12 · 30/04/2019 08:24

Oh and to anyone saying otherwise she IS the OW and will remain so until he has the next OW

Bluntness100 · 30/04/2019 08:39

Oh and to anyone saying otherwise she IS the OW and will remain so until he has the next OW

I think logically you must know this isn't correct. She may have started as the ow, but when he ended his relationship with the op, then she no longer was the other woman.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 08:46

Excellent advice from @ComeOnGordon.

The whole OW narrative is tremendously damaging because it encourages women to compete with one another for male affection as some kind of prize. When, by cheating, the bloke has pretty much proven himself to be a shit partner who really isn't worth competing over. His currency is totally devalued by what he does.

NotBeingRobbed · 30/04/2019 09:00

Sounds like you are well rid of him. More fool her.

PicsInRed · 30/04/2019 09:36

Is a thief still a thief if they're not currently stealing?

"But cheatings not quite same! I hear you cry. You can't steal a person!"

Fair point, but stealing and cheating a similar disregard for and violation of the social boundaries we have put in place to maintain a civil and stable society. I would imagine that the OP feels this OW making friends with her own friends as a further visceral violation of what she thought was her secure and safe place in her own society. Now she finds herself seemingly replaceable. This is what cheating does to its' victims. It should be abhorred.

Like becoming a thief, once you have the status if "cheater" or "other woman", it's there forever. Some things just don't wash off.

downcasteyes · 30/04/2019 09:43

Actually, the point of redistributive justice is that once the person has atoned for thieving (e.g. spent time in prison) and been rehabilitated and moved on to another life with a more legal source of income, their stealing no longer defines them.

I don't think cheating shows the same disregard for social boundaries as stealing either. It's not even a close comparison. Thieving is considered very much more antisocial, which is why serial offenders end up in prison, whereas serial cheaters remain mostly outside the remit of the law. Divorce is a civil matter, stealing criminal one, right?

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