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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Mediation- any advice?

15 replies

WhatWouldDavinaDo · 22/03/2019 12:45

Have got a mediation session booked with my STBXH next week & am utterly dreading it.

The subject to discuss is childcare related.

I haven’t seen him in nearly four months & don’t even want to be in the same room as him or look at him.

I’m totally dreading the whole situation. Anyone been in a similar position? Would appreciate any advice or shared experience of mediation with a nasty piece of work!

OP posts:

wobytide · 22/03/2019 13:48

Just ask for shuttle mediation then you don't need to be in the same room. Will slow it down I imagine but surely better than being worked up or unproductive and you can focus on the actual childcare issue rather than your issues with each other

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/03/2019 14:51

Are there any points that you think you might agree on? I'd start with those to get a positive vibe going.

What's the situation at the moment regarding kids and what do you both want it to be

TwoRoundabouts · 22/03/2019 14:52

OP sent you a PM hope it's useful.

kbPOW · 22/03/2019 14:57

Definitely go with shuttle mediation so yiu don't have to be in the same room as him. You can't meet an unreasonable person half way either.

Nnnnnineteen · 22/03/2019 18:04

I did shuttle and it was good, I arrived before him and left after so didn't have to wait with him either, they were v accommodating.
I would say go in with an open mind. You are there for a discussion - no-one is going to enforce it there and then, but you do need to hear him out and vice versa. If you have reasons for wanting a certain split of care, make sure they are valid and child centred, rather than (My starting point) I just don't want to be without dc.

MoomMoon · 23/03/2019 04:01

Hi. I have bad experience as he controls everything. Very stressful and couldn't cope with it.
You might be different. Good luck X
Just bear in mind in one meeting it's not going to sort out everything (childcare, mine, house, pension ect) and still costs and takes time

MoomMoon · 23/03/2019 04:02

Money not mine - sorry

Sally2791 · 23/03/2019 04:08

I wished I had asked for separate rooms, would have reduced the stress hugely

SpaSushi · 25/03/2019 15:26

I found it horrible.
Mediator did no actual mediating, just wrote down if we agreed anything.
Ex was never prepared with figures or anything, always had to talk to lawyer before he would agree anything which halted things a lot each meeting.
Basically said no to everything fir no other reason than didn't want me to have certain things ( actually said that in the meeting)

If i was loaded i would never do it. Its awkward and slow and just horrible.

AForest · 26/03/2019 21:03

I just want to say good luck and I hope it works. I saw my solicitor and as my STBXH and his solicitor aren't responding she said it was best to go for mediation and then court or it will drag on for longer. We still live in the same house and he is abusive in private. I have nowhere to go though. My solicitor wants me to be stronger first so has suggested I see the dr to get some medication to help or I will crumble. It's so hard and I am dreading it too and we haven't even booked it yet.

Original poster

WhatWouldDavinaDo · 31/03/2019 14:33

Thanks for all replies, had mediation- didn’t go well.

Hadn’t seen him for a few months so being in the same room as him brought back all my anger and hatred.

He acted like a complete dick, the mediator called him on his behaviour a couple of times which was great - they did a fab job.

End of session - he obviously won’t budge an inch & I refuse to be in a room with him again - I actually ran to my car, locked the doors & was checking in the rear view mirror to check he wasn’t following me.

OP posts:

Strugglin2cope · 02/04/2019 23:35

I didn't have a good experience either, even though it was shuttle mediation. Tried to go through solicitor initially but ex wouldn't engage so told mediation would be the best option. Felt like the mediation system just helped him continue his bullying and manipulation and I was stuck in a room in the same building as him with no support. Spent 30 out of the 90 minutes sobbing....

CF43 · 03/04/2019 11:17

I don't know mediation helped me address some of my concerns for child contact and I think I came out of it better in a way as he had to agree to less than he wanted in the end as it was just not possible what he wanted. But he hasn't signed the forms to make it legal as were still arguing over finance matters, I would not sit in a room with him again if you feel threatened though.

Good luck - either way mediation sucks but think it does help.

Lorry123 · 03/04/2019 12:00

Mediation was horrendous. My ex just used it as a forum to bully me in front of an audience. I ended up in tears with the mediator patting me on the back and wishing me good luck! Absolute waste of time, money and stress levels! Every battle he puts me through now with the threat of legal / court I know we would have to do mediation first to prove we tried - but it would only be shuttle and at his cost as I always just stick to the court order we have already in place.

CF43 · 03/04/2019 19:57

He phoned tonight to speak to son, it's our son's birthday this weekend and ex is on a business trip, he said he didn't want to go through mediation again and that his solicitor had been in touch and he would talk to me about it over the weekend before he disappears again to work abroad for another week.

I have to say that i don't want to talk to him about finances on one to one basis without someone impartial being there but it could solve a few things and save us some money in the long run.

However, thinking today that i might be getting less than i am actually entitled to here and to go through mediation would be a good thing if it means i walk away with a better deal. The mediation people thought that i should be asking for other things i hadn't considered, it was a bit of an eye opener.

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