I need a slap and some perspective (epic rant alert)

[kayaholly]

Ok so DS 6 is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the fact that his dad isn't in the house anymore.

I have left it with scumbag Ex that he was looking after DS while I was working this week, I'm not in again til Sunday, so he is taking him then. I told him that I don't think it's fair that I am having to give him permission to come and see him or contact him, he has open access but probably because he is shielding all of us mostly him from the pain that he can't express and that he is trying to give him space he has not been in contact. I have had to contact him yesterday and today over childcare and then today because someone phoned looking for him and it was important enough that he needed to return the call ASAP.

Frankly it would be easier for me if I could just tell him to fuck right off stay away and give me a bit of space, but I am trying to be mature and reasonable, and put DS in front of my BS which is really starting to suck and I just feel like I am getting nothing back.

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking for him to give me reassurance or guide me through this, I need to do this for myself and it's ridiculous to expect otherwise, but am I crazy to think that if he is hurting as much as he says he is about not being here for his son that he needs to show some emotion to try and rebuild a different kind of relationship that's going to allow me to trust that he is acting in the best interests of our child and not what he has been doing for months and putting his own interests first.

DS has ASD and was watching TV tonight and got over excited, and peed himself. He said that he didn't want to go upstairs because he was scared, which he has been doing a lot lately (only since Ex left the house) This is not a common occurence as DS has always been very independant with his toileting, and has only had one accident since he was toilet trained. I messaged his dad and told him, what had happened, and the reaction I got was "that is strange" roll on epic meltdown about how he gets to walk away and leave me to deal with the shit and see how much this is hurting DS. I don't for one minute think rationally that this can't be affecting him, but am I being over emotional when I expect that he could be showing me that he gives a shit about how this is affecting our DS.

I have told him that any sign of emotion on his part is not going to make me think he wants back in to our home, even if he did it wouldn't be happening, but how are any of our kids meant to engage with him and get past what he has done if he is not showing us that he is sorry for what they re going through.

The fact that I am having to do this on my own is killing me, am I kidding myself to think that we can still be parents together even if we aren't actually in a relationship? Or do I need to just let him piss off and live his life with the OW. I just really feel like he is not engaging because he is continuing to protect himself from the pain he is feeling, and that is really shitty because I don't get to do that.

Rant over, and I'm going to try breathing again :D

I should add in his defence, that he did say he would call tomorrow night, but that was in response to me starting to rant :P

I get what you mean. When I first became a single mum I felt like I was co-parenting with a brick. Same sort of non-commital messages, not really wanting input on any parenting decisions.

It was frustrating at first. But after time I realised it suited me, I want to parent in my own way. I keep my ex informed but only really on the high level stuff, not day to day issues. Not because I'm awkward, but just cos he really isn't bothered about hearing the daily stuff.

In your shoes I would stop asking his advice or for a response, it will just anger you.

I have made it clear to him that I don't want to be a single parent I know that sounds stupid, but he is still their Dad, and it is in his interests as well as theirs to not act like this person, I know he doesn't see it as me doing this by myself, but that is what it feels like.

I know men get threw at them all the time that it's easy to walk away and not have to deal with the mess that's left behind, I don't buy that, it's a horrible situation for all of us, shit as he has been to all of us for the last year, I know this can't be easy for him, so why act like it is.

That's what makes me angry, I feel like a complete pushover for being so nice about what he has done, he tells me that there's nothing he can say to make this better and that is true, and there is nothing he can do to fix it, but that is wrong. He can man up and actually be emotionally mature, it might hurt like a bitch for me and the kids, but at least we would be seeing something honest for the first time in ages.