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Divorce/separation

OW seeing the children

91 replies

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:16

Just wondered if anyone has ever stopped the OW seeing their children. My children don't want to meet her. My older daughter in particular does not want to see her. Quite frankly, their dad was a liar and a useless father but he has a legal right to see them. As far as I know there is no legal right for OW to see my children. Anyone has any experience of this. I think as the wronged party we are advised to just accept it but quite frankly I wouldn't want this woman to have any influence on my child's life. If my xh meets someone else no problem with them seeing the children at all. Anyone else feel the same. Could equally apply to other man if it was the woman having the affair?

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 05/03/2019 17:18

To often everyone blames the OW, it was your husband that cheated on you, maybe he never said he was married intialky, who knows. Be the bigger person and let the kids go their own way, don't bad mouth their dad or her.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/03/2019 17:20

No of course the OW doesn’t have a legal right, but your ExH does have the right to introduce the DC to anyone he wants to during his contact time.

The best thing you can do surely is be really neutral and wait it out. They may well not last anyway in which case it’s no longer an issue.

How old is your DD?

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:23

Haven't bad mouthed either of them. My daughter unfortunately is old enough to see for herself the way her dad has treated me. She is the one who has told me I never want to meet that woman. And yes it was my husband who was married and I blame him equally but the OW is equally to blame. She was well aware he was married.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 05/03/2019 17:23

Unfortunately nothing you can do.
A huge helping of spending time with your dc may give her a jolt into reality though....
Wink

Singlenotsingle · 05/03/2019 17:23

Yeah how old are the dc? They don't have to meet her. They might say "if she's going to be there, we're not going"

IvanaPee · 05/03/2019 17:25

It doesn’t matter though. They’re shits but it doesn’t matter. Unless she’s a danger to the dc, you have no right to stop him having them around her during his contact.

I say this not because I’m unsympathetic but because you’re making a rod for your back going down that road.

I promise the best thing to do for you and your dc is to accept the relationship and move on. Fake it till you make it.

Goldmandra · 05/03/2019 17:26

While your children are in your ex's care, you have no control over who they meet or who he allows to look after them, as long as their aren't reasonable grounds to think they are unsafe.

It doesn't matter who cheated on whom. Your DCs have a right to a relationship with their father and that will include other people involved in his life.

You've just going to have to accept that she's a part of his life and, therefore, a part of theirs and move on.

You'll do your children a big favour if you can allow them to talk about her freely and not make them feel uncomfortable for accepting her as part of their wider family. Trying to put barriers between them will do your children a lot more harm than it will do your ex or his partner.

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:27

My daughter is 12. She has lost a lot of respect for her dad due to his behaviour and she can see what is right and wrong. I have had to encourage the relationship with her dad but I have no itention if encouraging relationship with ow.

OP posts:
kbPOW · 05/03/2019 17:27

It really matters how old they are.

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:28

At the moment they haven't met her.

OP posts:
tisonlymeagain · 05/03/2019 17:29

No of course the OW doesn’t have a legal right, but your ExH does have the right to introduce the DC to anyone he wants to during his contact time.

This. There's nothing you can do to stop the OW meeting the children unless there is a safeguarding issue.

Rtmhwales · 05/03/2019 17:31

At that age I would've had a massive strop so ridiculous and OTT my father and the OW would never have wanted me around her again.

Is the access court ordered? I'm not sure at 12 they can make your daughter go. But if she wants to see her dad, she may have to acquiesce.

MrsBertBibby · 05/03/2019 17:33

The advice I would give you is that it is your ex's call.

The advice I would give your ex, with a 12 year old girl saying no, is that if he wants to keep a relationship with his daughter, he will listen to her wishes and respect them, as forcing her to meet his girlfriend is highly likely to cause her to refuse to see him too.

And younger siblings (especially if the same sex as the older one) very often follow their lead.

BingLiveisRubbish · 05/03/2019 17:35

This is a subject that has always got to me. I've been there, except with a 1yr old and we weren't married.

I really, really wish there was a legality stopping these women from being able to ever come near our kids but sadly, there isn't.

However, at 12 I don't think she can be forced to see her Dad at all outside of her terms. In other words, if he wants to see his daughter then it should be up to her when & were she sees him and with whom.

Bookworm4 · 05/03/2019 17:48

@bingliveisrubbish
You wish you could legally stop an ex introducing a new partner to his kids? That's irrational, would you like it done to you?

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/03/2019 17:48

At 12 this is something your DD should discuss with her father herself. He needs to be responsible for his relationship with his daughter and needs to be aware that his behaviour has damaged it and that he needs to build bridges.

heidiwine · 05/03/2019 17:51

Agree that it’s your ex’s call and that he should listen to your daughter.
As someone with considerable experience with this sort of situation I’d also say that the best thing you can do for your kids is to have some kind of civil relationship with their dad regardless of how much he has hurt you (and them).
Children are very good at saying what they think their parents want them to hear. Thats why people think they’re resilient. It’s my view that parents help children develop resilience by behaving in a mature and adult way. That means their children shouldn’t be brought into any dramas between parents but should grow up secure in the knowledge that they are loved. My mum hated my dad and I grew up with really low self esteem - not surprising really - I am half of my dad and I had to do everything I could to prove to her that I wasn’t like him. Now 30 years on I totally get why my dad left, why he needed an ow to leave and I am bitterly sorry that I didn’t see him when I was growing up - I wish my mother had encouraged it.

tisonlymeagain · 05/03/2019 18:07

Children are very good at saying what they think their parents want them to hear.

I think that is very true, and should be remembered from both sides of the fence.

Frecklesonmyarm · 05/03/2019 18:21

I really, really wish there was a legality stopping these women from being able to ever come near our kids but sadly, there isn't.

So no parent ever can have another relationship? Or just one that never involves the kids? That's just not practical. However, painful it is for us.

tisonlymeagain couldnt agree more.

What has his behaviour been that the 12 year old is unhappy with?

NorthernSpirit · 05/03/2019 18:27

Very wise words from @heidiwine

I’m with a man with 2 children (now 11 & 14). I met my OH when he had been divorced 3 years. I therefore wasn’t the OW.

My OH and myself are treated with utter contempt. The children tell their dad that mummy says horrible things about him, they aren’t allowed to talk about him and they aren’t allowed to bring birthday, Christmas presents etc back to the house they share with her.

It’s been very very difficult. Years of going to court to get contact.

The 14 year old girl is now displaying signs of issues.

Legally there is nothing you can do. In my case (I had dated my OH over 9 months and was introduced to the kids the mother stopped contact. I remember a vitriolic email something along the lines of how dare you introduce MY children to a woman I don’t know). My OH took her to court for breaching the contact order and she was given a stern talking to by a judge who also threatened to change residency if the behaviour continued.

Please don’t put your child through this. Take the moral high ground.

cauliflowersqueeze · 05/03/2019 19:40

I haven’t been in this position but I would want any person in contact or caring for my child to have a positive relationship with them. Love your child more than you hate each other.

That would be more important to me than my child siding with me over a split.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/03/2019 19:43

Children are very good at saying what they think their parents want them to hear. Thats why people think they’re resilient

I always think this when I read “it all comes from the DC, I haven’t said anything”.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/03/2019 19:44

I haven’t been in this position but I would want any person in contact or caring for my child to have a positive relationship with them. Love your child more than you hate each other

THIS

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 20:17

Thanks for all your advice. Firstly, I genuinely know that what my children are telling me is true. It has been commented on by lots of outside people what a close bond I have with my children. Their dad has been largely absent and unfortunately all relationships work depending on the amount of time you put into them. He had invested very little time into their relationship therefore they don't miss him not being around. I have brought them up to see right from wrong and unfortunately they have seen the way my STBXH has treated me. He mentally bullied me for 4 years. He still shows me a complete lack of respect and actually puts me down constantly to the children. I on the other hand do not badmouth him. On the plus side the three of us are literally happier than ever. There is no stress and we now have a lovely life. I have had to encourage the children to see their dad however I will never encourage them to see the OW. If the decide to of their own choice that is up to them. I know someone my daughters age who told her dad that she never wanted to meet the ow when their parents split and she never did. She has positively flourished in her life and has had no issues. I also think by telling them to accept the ow as a society we are now normalising this behaviour. (Lying and affairs)I would never want my children to be treated the way I have or for them to treat anyone in this way. I want them to grow up to be strong but thoughtful people that if they were unhappy in a relationship they would choose to leave it rather than lie and cheat. 😊

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tisonlymeagain · 05/03/2019 20:26

But what if your ex and the OW stay together forever, get married...have another child which would be a sibling to your children? You'd want them to have nothing to do with them?

The OW, whatever your feelings about her, could actually be a positive influence on their life, maybe even improve the relationship he has with them.

Your ex is the one to blame here, not her. She wasn't in a relationship with you.

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