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Divorce/separation

OW seeing the children

91 replies

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:16

Just wondered if anyone has ever stopped the OW seeing their children. My children don't want to meet her. My older daughter in particular does not want to see her. Quite frankly, their dad was a liar and a useless father but he has a legal right to see them. As far as I know there is no legal right for OW to see my children. Anyone has any experience of this. I think as the wronged party we are advised to just accept it but quite frankly I wouldn't want this woman to have any influence on my child's life. If my xh meets someone else no problem with them seeing the children at all. Anyone else feel the same. Could equally apply to other man if it was the woman having the affair?

OP posts:
CatyaPurella · 05/03/2019 20:29

What if you start seeing someone and your children didn’t want to meet him...or your ex didn’t want them to. Can’t be one rule for one surely...?

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 20:40

@tisonlymeagain both are equally to blame not just my stbxh. She actively pursued the relationship when he was trying to make it work with me...I saw the texts. He chose to spend time with her rather than spend time with his own children.They were both as bad as each other. Her behaviour has made me realise she wouldn't be a positive influence on my child. Her children don't actually see their father so I think that would in fact raise more issues with my children as to why they have to go to their dad's. Also even though anything possible she is getting too old to have children so unlikely.

OP posts:
2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 20:42

@catyapurella I think I said in my original post if he met someone else rather than the initial ow it wouldnt be a problem. Hopefully it would be someone nice that i would feel happy for my children to go and spend time with.

OP posts:
Andyjakeydan · 05/03/2019 20:54

2018anewstart i’m in exactly the same situation as you except its my wife and OM,my 12 yo daughter absolutely refuses to meet om and i’ll certainly never encourage her to meet him.....i don’t really see any reason not to bad mouth om/ow,om certainly doesn’t deserve to meet my dsughter

Bookworm4 · 05/03/2019 20:56

An affair ending a marriage is hard on everyone but I always think if the marriage is solid there wouldn't be a partner feeling they need to look elsewhere for affection/love? Life is too short to waste time resenting and hating, I have a very good relationship with exDH we have been on holiday together with our DD, whatever feelings I harbour regards him are unimportant; he's an excellent Dad and I would never influence DD opinion of her Dad.

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 21:12

@andyjakeydan yes I agree I'm not going to encourage it.

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2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 21:16

@bookworm4 disagree yes some marriages may be missing something but I think there are more and more selfish people in life who think they can have their cake and eat it. If someone is unhappy in your marriage leave don't sleep with someone else whilst lying to your partner and preventing them from starting afresh. Glad your ex is an awesome dad I wish my ex had been.

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whiteroseredrose · 05/03/2019 21:27

At 12 your DD should be able to make some choices for herself. A friend's DC (a bit older) have chosen not to see their DF for the time being. (He was a dick before he left and even more of one after). At first my friend kept trying to make them see their father but he only talked about himself and never asked about them so in the end she gave up. They're much happier with this arrangement.

BigFatZiggy · 05/03/2019 22:21

At the risk of putting myself in the firing line here... I’m on the other side of this, although not the OW in the sense that I met my new partner via an affair. I’m divorced and he’s separated from her with an ongoing divorce.

His STBEW is not allowing me to meet his child, making up hideous stories about me, badmouthing him... it’s parental alienation. We just want everyone to get along, but there’s been so much drama and nastiness. My DP’s child is horribly confused and upset. The thing is, we are serious about our relationship and I believe we will be together for a long time, so his Ex is taking a risk here... the child, in time, will see that Mum was lying about me and the situation.

BigFatZiggy · 05/03/2019 22:26

Posted before finished...

So I echo previous posters about trying to be neutral and dignified about this.

Once all the heat dies down you don’t know how things will pan out...
I know a few divorced women who actually get on very well with the ‘OW’ and help each other out with childcare.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 06/03/2019 01:58

To Ziggy

Been there.

My Son aged 13 has met my new partner (OW). We took him to an outdoor activity centre. Grandparents were present too.

My son had a great time and new partner joined in most of the activities with him from Kayaking to Rope Climbing as she is young enough.

His mother went ballistic after son began talking about Dad's new friend and how she played with him and his mother does not. Had a feeling it might happen.

Spoke to son since and advised that as there is almost 20 years age difference his own mother would struggle with activities and I would too. That does not mean his mother does not care about him.

So now going down the court route to get access. Meanwhile she goes on holiday for 4 weeks and leaves Son with grandparents at short notice.

Thankfully in a few years he will not need his mother's permission to visit places.

2018anewstart · 06/03/2019 07:43

Just wanted to clarify when I talk abut OW I don't mean someone who xh meets after we have parted I talk about OW as someone who has had an affair with your partner. In my case a prolonged one. In my case this women is not a positive role model for my children. If you are unhappy in your marriage leave, or at the very least if you meet someone else you think you'd want to be with own up. Having an affair is not acceptable behaviour if the other party is not aware of it. As a society we just seem to accept this behaviour however I think it time for things to change. If my stbxh had treated me in a work environment the way he has treated me in life he would be sacked. Telling me I was going crazy when I suspected affair..I started to doubt my sanity. Having read posts on here it is typical behavior of someone who is having an affair. The ow flaunted on social media at every opportunity that something was going on. Neither has shown any remorse in fact my stbxh is still trying to control me. He never will again and I feel thankful for that. However, nothing on here has convinced me to encourage my childrens relationship with OW. A real negative role model as is my stbxh. My daughter is old enough to see that herself I haven't had to say anything and I'm glad she is growing up knowing what is right and what is wrong. She will have a relationship with her dad but she can even see herself he is not a great role model which makes me sad however she has plenty of positive role models around her in her life.

OP posts:
MissedTheBoatAgain · 06/03/2019 08:21

OW in my case refers to new partner after Divorce.

Best to allow Children to make up their own minds rather than seek sympathy from them by running down their other parent.

Bookworm4 · 06/03/2019 09:55

Apart from her behaviour during the affair which to be honest isn't something you should be telling kids, why is she not a good role model; is she a drug user? alcoholic? Stop being so bitter. Are you perfect? She doesn't need to be a role model she can be their friend.

2018anewstart · 06/03/2019 10:24

@bookworm4 I have never run her down in front of the children or their dad. We actually don't talk about her. My daughter knows there was a other woman involved and has no desire to see her. Sorry I just think anyone who sleeps with another man's husband for 4 years is a lowlife and not a positive role model for my children. Their father is an equal lowlife. I think i am entitled to that opinion. Its something I would never do. I'm not claiming to be perfect (although j tjink im a generally nice person) however I wouldn't sleep around with married men. No still won't be encouraging it because it will be down to me to persuade children to see her as I have had to do with their dad. Not bitter just thankful I've been strong enough to ask him to leave. 😊

OP posts:
kayaholly · 06/03/2019 11:12

I am not as far down the line with this as you are Newstart, but I have similar concerns. My older 2 are old enough and stable enough to make their own decisions, and I have made this clear, I have told them that I am not going to ask them to take sides, or think any less of them if they want to meet her or have a relationship, it's going to hurt like a bitch but I will respect it. Although I am being "reasonable" I can't use her name and refer to her as "this girl" or "this woman" I am only human and the situation is all very raw.

I have also made it clear that my youngest who has ASD will not be meeting the OW until I am sure that it is a stable relationship, and I am looking at at least a year, I don't want him forming an attachment that isn't always going to be there. Also because these 2 people have the morals of an alleycat, neither one of them are acting like people that I would allow round my kids, and actually neither would my husbad previously.

I hold my husband responsible for his behaviour, he went out chasing this and didn't do the adult thing, he should have left and we could have had a different relationship with him and also with her, and he has stolen that from all of us, including her. I don't hold her equally responsible because this girl doesn't know me, but she knew we had kids, and she allowed herself to believe the lies and BS my husband was feeding her, so frankly that is not the kind of woman I feel is a great role model for my kids.

I am just hoping for my kids sake that he steps up now and starts being the Dad he hasn't been for a long time. I have told him that his relationship with his kids is now his responsibility, I am not going to stop being reasonable, and I will do all I can to faciltate whatever access he wants for everyones sake, including his. If he has any respect for his kids at all, he will leave a decent amount of time before he expects to introduce her to anyone else. I am trying to separate my issues with them from my issues with the kids, his behaviours are going to continue to hurt me, but I can't let my BS cause conflict for the kids, it's a terrible position for them to be in.

Not saying you are, that's just me, if he cocks up continually, the kids will eventually be old enough to make their own minds up, and as long as they have someone that supports them and allows them to express what they are thinking, they will be grand.

I do not understand what makes any parent behave like this when there are kids involved, if you love your kids they should always come before your libido!!

kayaholly · 06/03/2019 11:14

I also just realised I need to stop calling him "my husband" he's now just my scumbag ex Halo

RightOcciputAnterior · 06/03/2019 11:42

I was the OW. My husband's ex initially said she'd only allow him contact with the children if I wasn't present, and if he didn't tell them my name or show them pictures of our house. He agreed initially because of course you'd never introduce kids to a new partner immediately. His ex continued to impose those conditions and it made it very difficult for the children to have a meaningful relationship with their father so, 6 months after we moved in together, he took her to court. He was awarded 40% of time with the children (more than we had initially planned to ask for) with no restriction on me being present or being involved in their care. We are now married and have a child - a half-sibling my stepdaughters love.

Restrictions on meeting an OW are rarely in the best interests of the children if it's a lasting relationship, as those restrictions can undermine the father's relationship with his children.

Courts don't see having an affair as a safeguarding issue. Plenty of people who have affairs are otherwise good people and are not unfit to be around children.

If you block contact with OW long-term, or badmouth her or their father to the children, then your STBXH would be perfectly entitled to take you to court for a C100, and you probably won't get the outcome that you want.

Have you spoken to a solicitor about what would be reasonable to expect in terms of contact?

Bookworm4 · 06/03/2019 12:09

@rightoccupitanterior
I agree with you, this bitterness never helps the kids. OP you obviously aren't going to like her, calling her a 'lowlife' regards the affair is all well and good but that doesn't extend to how she will be with your kids.

kayaholly · 06/03/2019 12:09

Being the OW after a relationship has ended is not the same thing as being the OW who an ex has put in front of his kids.

Relationships change and move on, but the sad reality is, when a parnter (male or female) cheats, taking the wife/husband out of the equation, they also lie to their children. My scumbag ex told lies to his kids, took time out for himself and her when he should have been doing things with and for them, he was saying he had to work and I had to arrange childcare when he should have been parenting so he could spend time with this woman, and socialise with her friends and family.

Frankly that is not someone who is acting in the best interests of their children, if you are that concerned about sending time with your kids and being a parent, you do it all the time, not just when it suits you, the partner left behind doesn't get to act like this, and it really does sting when all this comes out.

You can leave your marriage/relationship and still be a reponsible parent, you can even realistically have an affair and still be a responsible parent if you are not sidelining your kids and lying to them about where you are, it sucks for the partner left behind, but at least you are still taking your responsibilites seriously.

When you put your genitals before your kids, I don't think you have a right to complain that a responsible parent doesn't want kids to be involved with someone who facilitated and encouraged that lack of respect for your role as a parent.

2018anewstart · 06/03/2019 12:20

@kayaholly you have just summed exactly how I feel! I think my original post should have said if my child doesn't want to go to see OW should they have to? My daughter is adamant she doesn't ever want to meet her amd this has been her decision not influenced by me at all. And yes I agree her dad needs to build up a relationship with his children first-he has put them bottom of his priorities all his life- and you're right it is his responsibility not mine to build that relationship with his children. I have the most awesome relationship with both my children because i gave always spent quality time with them. In my case the OW was equally to blame. She would not leave my STBXH alone when he came back to try to make it work. However he was still telling me he loved me the day before I kicked him out and sleeping with us both. He makes me sick. However I no longer have to worry about it as he is out of my life! ☺

OP posts:
Figgygal · 06/03/2019 12:29

I really do think it's your childrens decision here. How old is your son?

Is there court appointed contact?

Bookworm4 · 06/03/2019 12:30

@2018anewstart
Reading your posts I feel you put the bulk of the blame on OW
'She wouldn't leave him alone'
Yr ex had the choice to tell her it was over but he hedged his bets ; tried again with you probably to appease you but kept her dangling so he had her to go to.
This person has feelings albeit misplaced at the wrong time but they are together now and will be part of the children's life, they aren't YOUR kids they belong to both of you.

kayaholly · 06/03/2019 12:55

Unfortunatley, we don't get to make the choice when they are so young, I have to suck it up and expect that further down the line my younger child will have a relationship of some kind with this woman, that is if they stay together being that he is so young, my older 2 are 19 and 20 so noone can make them do something they don't want to do. I can only hope that he beahves like a decent person and puts the wee man in front of what they want, he needs to have access to his kids, but frankly she doesn't, not at this point anyway.

I don't know where the law lies when it comes to ages of kids when they get to make the decision of seeing parents or not, and having seen the fallout for other families when a child is used as a battering ram I would never do that to either my child or my scumbag ex, but that doesn't extend to the OW at the minute, because honestly at this point we owe her nothing and she hasn't earned the right to be involved in my childs life yet, only time will see if she can change that.

I'm against it now because of the pain they have both caused, but that is not to say that further down the line when the wounds aren't as raw that she can't be someone my child likes to spend time with much as it will kill me, but that has to be my issue, not my son's. And it will also be waaaaaaaaaaay down the line......

BingLiveisRubbish · 06/03/2019 13:22

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