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Divorce/separation

OW seeing the children

91 replies

2018anewstart · 05/03/2019 17:16

Just wondered if anyone has ever stopped the OW seeing their children. My children don't want to meet her. My older daughter in particular does not want to see her. Quite frankly, their dad was a liar and a useless father but he has a legal right to see them. As far as I know there is no legal right for OW to see my children. Anyone has any experience of this. I think as the wronged party we are advised to just accept it but quite frankly I wouldn't want this woman to have any influence on my child's life. If my xh meets someone else no problem with them seeing the children at all. Anyone else feel the same. Could equally apply to other man if it was the woman having the affair?

OP posts:
nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 09:29

Well, she wouldn't have been upset with my words if she hadn't slept with my husband. And I'd say it all again. I'll play nice when the kids are around but I won't pretend otherwise.

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 09:33

And she had her spanky new boyfriend to comfort her aka my husband of 16 years. Fascinating how some posters seem to think that I shouldn't stick up for myself occasionally when I have been massively betrayed by a husband and a friend. Wait .. are you her?

RightOcciputAnterior · 09/03/2019 09:42

And yet you're surprised your husband left you? Perhaps, despite having an affair, the OW is more kind and more dignified than someone who gloats about leaving somebody weeping in the supermarket.

IvanaPee · 09/03/2019 09:44

What could you have possibly said that would leave a grown woman weeping in a supermarket?!

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 10:08

I said nothing terrible, not really. Definitely no raised voices. It was along the lines of her being entirely dishonest, corrupt, disrespectful and a bad example to my children. And I said that I would never forgive either of them and I would be reminding them of this at any opportunity in the future. I also told her to stop playing families with with my children and that I am their mother. And then she started to cry and I walked out and went to another supermarket. Yep, something in my words upset her and I am glad about that. If that is gloating, so be it.

I am bemused as to why i should be sorry for either of them. I was utterly destroyed by their actions for quite a long time. I am curious as to why I should be kind when neither were kind to me, not when I was deceived and cheated on, not when my mum died a matter of months later and they tried to get full custody of my kids whilst I was away sorting out her funeral, not when I was in hospital six months after that with pneumonia. Maybe my ex is better off with the super lovely OW as I am so horrible, but as this is the internet and you don't know me from Adam, I don't really see how you can make that judgement. Perhaps someone will come along and tell me a story about they have been lovely and compassionate to their OW, even though she has knowlngly and deliberately facilitated their husbands adultery whilst pretending to be their friend. I am all ears,

I do find it somewhat concerning that a keyboard warrior is gloating over the end of my marriage due to infidelity. I obviously wasn't so horrible as we were together for 25 years. Some posters need to pull in their necks.

Back to the OPs question as surely this is the point of the thread, if you cant be amicable or 'lovely' to the OW (and that is and always will be impossible for me), then I suggest aiming for neutral whilst you are around the kids. He will introduce her to your kids just because he can and no doubt he thinks he is in the middle of some big love story. I don't ask my kids about her. I don't mention her in front of them. If our paths cross when the kids are there I don't make eye contact and i say very little and preferably nothing. I aim for bland and neutral. Perhaps not as good as civil but in some circumstances and for some people, civil is just too difficult. Hopefully now everything is in the open, the excitement will be gone and your OW will disappear making your dealings with him easier.

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 10:13

Oh and Right, sleeping with a married man whilst pretending to be friends with his wife is really kind and dignified. Sending him little love notes whilst he is married is also kind and dignified. Not. I have been to personal hell because of him and her. I think I am entitled to some sharp words. As for you, your post is simply inflammatory and maybe you need to get back to your married man or whatever it is that drives you to be so nasty to woman who have wasted their best years on unfaithful men and their sidekicks.

Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 10:33

All these posters banging on about being civil can't have been cheated on as neutral is the best I can do. And advice about not being bitter is also rubbish. It's not something you can turn on and off. Again you'll probably have to fake it.

I wish people on mn would stop this shitty line of argument. You dont agree so it just be that you cant have experienced it.

To be fair, I dont know if I have been cheated on. My exh simply abused me and then raped me. By the time I got out of the marriage, several solicitors and 2 relatives who are in the police advised me to not go to the police and report it there was no evidence and could be seen as a play to get the kids. Parental alienation.

Ex h met, got engaged and moved in with woman within 8 months. He probably had been seeing her before as it's not like him to move so quickly. And I have to send my kids to his house every week. He didn't even tell me he was moving in with this woman and her son. All of a sudden my kids have a new step sibling and step mum and be home and I knew fuck all till after it happened

During the process of mediation and then court, I produced evidence of his abuse of me, such as vile texts message, the fact that i had screen shots from Facebook confirming he was logged into my Facebook account etc. But he still got to see the kids as no evidence he has or would ever harm them.

You want to talk about fucking bitter? But do my kids, including my 15 year old know this? No they dont. Do I talk shit about their dad, no. Do I make nasty comments or stand and berate him in the supermarket, no.

Why? Because I need it to be as amicable as I can for the kids. It turns my stomach to call him or text him to arrange parents evenings, or drop offs.

On the occasions I see her, I am civil. Because anything else isn't helpful for my kids.

I am not perfect, but grew up on a household where divorce meant lots of bitterness between the parents. Nothing was ever said to me, but I heard stuff when adults were talking. Heard the muffled phone conversations where they would argue. Started picking up on nasty comments made under their breath if I mentioned the other parent. Or just the look on my parents face when I mentioned something. I stopped mentioning the other parent and did make out I wasnt that fussed about seeing the other one.

I am now to contact with both. That bitterness never went and very negatively impacted my life.

So before you start throwing round 'if you dont agree, you cant have dealt with this' why not just remember that actually some people may have been through the same, or worse and just simply disagree.

I am not saying the OP has done the above simply replying to the statement I have quoted at the top.

LemonTT · 09/03/2019 12:35

Well said Freckles, you nailed the issue. Your behaviour is admirable and remarkable.

It’s about the children not the ex or the OW/M. Too many comments on this thread are centred on the OW, setting her at the heart of the issues for the family. Too much headspace, too much obsession.

It’s about the children. They are children. They are learning about life and primary influencers are their parents. Along with a ratbag full of celebs and social media influencers. But mainly their parents.

Children will learn about relationships from their parents. That includes how relationships break down, people split up, people let go and people move on. Parents don’t get many opportunities to set example in this respect. As parent you can only be responsible for your example not that of the other parent.

Children don’t see infidelity from the perspective of a betrayed partner, wife or lover. They love their parents, even the shit badly behaved ones. They can’t just reject them or condemn them. Most children will choose neutrality because it is best for them.

BigFatZiggy · 09/03/2019 14:24

Freckles & Lemon - yes!

I’m currently going through nastiness with a bitter Ex busy filling her chuld’s Head with lies, having NOT had an affair (they’d been separated nearly 5 years)... and yet...

MY Ex husband had an affair over 7 years. I’ve never said anything bad to my kids about the OW in my life. They just don’t need it.

BigFatZiggy · 09/03/2019 14:25

So to the OP - I have experienced two sides to this. Really: dignity, neutrality and calm is honestly best.

nannytothequeen · 09/03/2019 21:16

And do my kids know about my feelings? No they don't. Because I manage neutral when they are there and I don't talk about my ex or his sidekick to them or in front of them. But I consider that I am allowed sharp words when they are not around. And I do express my feelings to my friends. I think that no one should have to pretend all the time. And as for bitter, it is an emotion like grief or fear. It can't be turned off and saying don't be bitter is a bit like saying don't grieve. Again I can act not bitter, but it is only acting. And why do I bother with all the acting and staying neutral? For my kids of course. Why else?

Frecklesonmyarm · 09/03/2019 21:33

You dont stay neutral though.

Having a go at her in the supermarket is creating more and more aggression between the adults.

Feelings can be felt without being acted on. And actually you can learn keep your composure. Feel it. But that doesnt mean you have to act on it. When you keep acting on it, bitterness fuels itself. You make yourself feel better, by embarssing her. But that's fuelling the bitterness.

As I said, I am bitter, but dont act on it. Because that's not making the kids lives better. I dont have a go at my exs gf in public, for the kids not for her.

Think of it this way. In 20 years when all of you are at your kids wedding or grandchild christening, incidents like the supermarket will continue to create tension. If you think it wont impact big life events for your kids, then you arent being realistic.

Do you know what though? Its fucking shit. It really is.

nannytothequeen · 10/03/2019 01:01

Ok freckle. I'll take it on the chin. But you know what creates the most tension ? The fact that she slept with my husband and claimed to be my friend. Now that is tension I can do nothing about as I'll never be in a position to be good humoured about it. And I imagine I will have to bow out of any events in my kids lives where she is present. If she is still around in 10 years that is. I pretend all the time. My life is one big acting gig. And there are times I stop pretending.

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 01:11

I do get it. Its shit and they created it.

I totally get why you would want to do that. But I dont think it helps the kids to.

Even by bowing out of your kids wedding, if she goes.....you are putting your kids in that position. Either piss off their dad or not have their mother there. That is the position they will be in, whether it's your fault or not.

I used to organise weddings and have seen this loads of times. I have seen the upset caused to the couple, because everyone cant just be trusted to be civil.

Is it fair on you? No, but it's about the kids.

nannytothequeen · 10/03/2019 01:14

Well we've a long way to go until these life events freckle. My ex has still to show his true colours to her.

2019willbegreat · 10/03/2019 12:42

My DC are older and can choose to meet her or not - DS is more compliant but DD has said she will never meet OW. I have explained that I don't mind if either of them meet her and they know their dad had an EA with her before leaving me to make it physical.

My situation is different as the break down in the marriage came about due to my alcohol abuse (after years of unhappiness) but I think stbxh forgets that DC form their own opinions - DD has difficult relationship with him at the moment but as a PP said, this is largely due to him having a shit relationship with her prior to leaving and was in fact one of the reasons for my unhappiness. He blames me for turning her against him - but she worked things out for her self as many of her friend's parents had break ups, affairs etc. So even if you manage to maintain a dignified silence, be civil even and not tell them about the affair, most DC will work it out in the end - start asking questions about how they met, when they met etc. unless they are very young.

The issue for me though is that most DC want to have a relationship with both parents, even the affair parent, as no kid wants to think their parent doesn't love them or put them first. You only need to look at stately homes to see how difficult it is for children to really be NC with a parent - even an abusive one (apologies if this is worded insensitively).

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