What is ‘reasonable’ financial settlement in my case? Advice please!

[ThunderThighs123]

I really need advice about what is reasonable when negotiating a financial settlement with my STBXH. I have always earned much more than him, and am worried that I’ll be taken advantage of if I don’t have a clear starting position.

Solicitor says we should come to an agreement between ourselves, but I’m not really sure what is reasonable or not. Are Citizens Advice worth speaking to?

Here’s some background— thanks for staying with it!

I am a professional earning a decent salary, while my STBXH is on minimum wage. I have full custody of our primary aged son, whom he sees twice a week and alternate weekends. We both work full-time. Other than maternity leave, I have always worked full-time and paid the lion’s share of everything.

I have always been the main breadwinner, and am currently in the marital home, paying utilities and mortgage. He is still contributing half the mortgage and half of some insurances. He does not pay maintenance, nor have I asked him to, mainly to avoid him threatening to return to the house.

He has already told me that he wants 50% of everything, including the house, the furniture, my pension (20 years teacher’s, so quite good) and my savings (he has none). He is also demanding maintenance. Google says he’s entitled to this, apparently(!!). I am staggered.

Can any of you point me in the right direction, please? Any supportive comments welcome. X

mummy2017 - thanks. You’re a tower of strength. I think the prospect of heavy legal fees would be enough to make him see sense and make more modest demands.

YellowShirt - so sorry to hear about your financial abuse. Could the debts not be written off or at least visited on your ex? You should have some rights regarding this. Citizens Advice have been very helpful to me in the past. Best wishes. X

ThunderThighs123. Had 2 years of reading it all and court with best friend...
She earnt more than him.
Owned house he was a barstool over it all
Stand firm, your son is the reason he won't get maintenance, but you get child support
He only gets pension value right now, and Brexit has devalued that, for now.
All bills are joint, so your credit cards, loans, cars the lot, anything you can find he gets to pay half of, even the clothing account at Debenhams....
Add it all up,

Then remembered houses have devalued right now, good time to split the equity...
Don't agree to not claim child maintenance, as why shouldn't he help keep your child.

Thanks, Random. The issue of affordability is what has worried me most throughout the splitting up process. I carried on with the relationship well past its sell-by date because I was worried that he’d be a financial millstone if we did divorce. However, it can’t be right or just that I should be required to prop him up for the rest of our lives. I suppose I’ll just have to grin and bear the prospect of future financial stress just to make this break clean for all our sakes. X

Thunderflys the problem with the debts I've been told is I agreed to pay the debts when me and my wife were still together so I've admitted liability so it will cost me thousands to now clear my name.
My wife took £1000 from my bank account 3 days after we split but again the bank have told me I gave her my bank details and I'm liable.
My only hope at this moment is a good solicitor who could hopefully see my situation and get me more than 50% but again I've been told I messed up in the first place by moving out of the house even though living together with our 13 year old daughter was actually impossible.

It's horrible when finances mean you've been hanging on way past the sell by date

Doesn't matter what is agreed in court after 11 months you can go to CMS and claim maintenance just as you can go back to court over spousal or private maintenance agreements.

Clean break the best way forward if possible. Of course with you being RP he's free to get a 2nd job in the evenings

Is does anything need repairing in the house?
Yeah spend the savings on it.
That way he has paid half the bills.
Car repairs... Do them.
Then you can claim savings went on necessary repairs, so not there .
Until it all goes on the forms so long as things you had savings for normal living expenses...
Do not transfer money to savings accounts till this is sorted just draw extra cash out each time you go to the cash points and save it . You don't have to declare that..

YellowShirt - I’m sure a good solicitor would be able to force her to live up to her financial responsibilities. Either that or small claims court for anything less than £5000. (I’m a Judge Judy fan!) I can’t see why your claim to the house should be diminished just because you moved out. To stay would have been intolerable, surely? I think the legalities of divorce sometimes cause more problems than they solve. They certainty make people suspicious and defensive IME. Surely they should encourage co-operation and fairness? Good luck and keep going.

Yellow shirt, sorry but I don't think you will get more than 50/50 but I do feel for you on your ex and the debts.
Think carefully about how much it will cost you in court fees, with a nasty partner who causes trouble, if you offer half and she is spiteful while your not, a judge can claim she upped the court costs and make her pay some of your bill.
If you can prove she took on debt on purpose a judge can exclude it from liabilities.

A few things here

"I have full custody of our primary aged son, whom he sees twice a week and alternate weekends". The second part of the sentence suggests it's a shared care arrangement on a near 50-50 basis, or do you mean he just sees him for a very short amount of time? Would he be looking for a 50:50 child arrangement going forward? A financial court will expect both parents' needs to be met for housing.

A teacher's 20 year pension will be worth a lot of money, possibly more than the house. If you don't want to share your pension, I would suspect you would have to make large compromises elsewhere. I have no idea why the other posters have stated otherwise, but from what I've read he would be entitled to half your pension.

I would be very doubtful he would be entitled to any spousal maintenance unless you earn LOTS of money (more than 100k and unlikely even then) and he hasn't made any sacrifices to facilitate your career or bring up the children from the information you have given.

He will have to pay child support if child arrangement are less than 50:50, but a minimum wage job won't require much to be paid.

RandomMess and mummy2017 - I’m way ahead of you! Have already spent money on a lovely long holiday in the sun with my son and my mother, a week-long holiday in the sun to get over my (mini) breakdown, and 2 joyous staycations! Cupboard is now bare. :)

IsItBetter - not a 50/50 custody arrangement. Child is in my full custody, and sees father for 2 hrs. mid-week and alternate weekends only. STBX keen to keep things this way, as am I.

Think you’re right that the pension will be the deal-breaker. Not sure how we’ll solve the housing question. It will be tight.

Assets split in divorce is based on "need". You both will "need" a two bedroom property and as your stbx is the lower earner he will potentially "need" for more of the assets to achieve this.
He will be entitled to a share of your pension but only for the years you were together rather than the whole pot.

We were together for 20 years but married for 7 until our split 2 years ago. Does this mean he can only claim for the time we were actually married?

Possibly from when you started co-habiting as you did directly before marriage.

Is there much equity in the house?
And pensions are not worth as much as people think, your pension is only 20 years worth.

Don't get too worked up over it as he gets his share of the value now, and the judge will take into account your greater need to house your child when splitting things .
Remind him as you said if he fights this he could see a 50k divorce bill and get far less than what your agreeing to split on now, and then you can say rather than you upping the mortgage, you will need to sell, so half the costs of sale will come out of his settlement, so he could be looking at over a year after the 18 months for the divorce before he sees a penny.

In general the courts prefer a clean break arrangement, meaning no ongoing long term maintenance for either party. I don't think you've got too much to worry about there. House could be 50/50, and he could expect some of your pension for those years when you were together.

Thought so. :(

ThunderThighs123,. Just a thought. Do you actually want to move when your child finishes primary?
As you could so use this to make him pay bills ect, and any judge would hold on till then before making you pay the ex off..

mummy2017 - yes, plenty of equity, as we’ve been here for most of our relationship, and the mortgage is almost paid. Thanks for the point about pension. All my friends and family were up in arms about it, but I felt powerless to prevent it. At least I’m only half way through my career, so will continue to build it up.

SingleNotSingle - agree a clean break is best.

Thank you all very much. I’m off to have a long soak before DS returns from his dad’s. Best wishes to you all. Xxx

You need a better solicitor

Definitely get a new solicitor they should be helping you with all of this

Another one who thinks you need a better solicitor

Thank you. I’ll try, but it’s hard to tell which ones are best. I’m in a rural town and used a solicitor from the nearest city. She was really good, but the chambers was wound up last summer, so need to find another one. Any tips?

Look for a family law specialist. Beyond that, it’s luck or word of mouth.

Actually 20 years paid into a teaching pension is worth masses and can't be dismissed.
If there is enough equity for the house to be sold and provide suitable accommodation for both parties then that's what will a judge will expect. Remember even if you agree the settlement between you it has to go before a judge and if they think one party has been given a reasonable share it will be thrown out and you will have to start again.