myth or truth? Continuing a similar lifestyle

[almostdivorcedeek]

STBX has a very good lifestyle, he earns about £70 000 a year more than me, I was the stay at home parent to our DC who have now all reached over the age of 18. I do work now - 34 hours a week but obviously do not earn anywhere near as much as him. I am literally living hand to mouth each month. I am entitled to a very small amount of WTC but nothing else. I am constantly counting the pennies.

Obviously over the years while he was building his career I was there supporting him especially when he was frequently away, helped with his studying etc.... We had been together over 30 years - married for most of them.

I don't think I am after spousal maintenance but just wondered if I was entitled to anything extra to help make my life a little easier. I'm not expecting steak and champagne every night, but I am in no way living a the life I used to have. He does not want to use mediation or solicitors, mind you I couldn't afford a solicitor anyway!

Missed the boat this thread isn’t about how you screwed your ex wife - the mother of your children. I don’t believe you about your settlement.

So are you saying you didn't work after 2007?

No. I have worked outside UK from 1988 to the present day.

I don’t believe you about your settlement

I don't believe I posted any details of my Divorce settlement on this thread?

So someone did facilitate you working while having children.

MissedTheBoatAgain,

Its not about your Ex wife supporting your career but that when you decided to have a child you didn't give up your career to take on 50% of childcare. Had you been forced to take equal responsibility then you could NOT have continued with the career and earnings.

It not reasonable to say grandparents do childcare, they could be many, many reasons why that would not be appropriate. Quality of care could be one of those reasons.

If you jointly decided to have a child then you jointly owned the responsibility for childcare. Since you abdicated your responsibility to your Ex wife she was forced to pick it up. Your solution was to outsource your child to grandparents (as it obviously didn't do you any harm).

Until you take on childcare for at least 50% of the time please don't lecture those who hold down jobs and look after children. You do not know the challenges and therefore are not speaking from a point of knowledge.

Given your child's age I suspect you have missed the boat on being an actively involved parent so will never have that experience.

MissedTheBoat Did your wife and children live abroad with you? If your wife hadn't been around, would you have been able to do the same work, whilst also ensuring that your DC was adequately parented by their own parent?
You do seem to love coming on these threads to make SAHMs feel like scrounging moneygrabbers.

OP- get a solicitor.

Not helpful to the OP, but here goes;

So someone did facilitate you working while having children

No. Until recently I worked on a 4 weeks on and 4 weeks off rotation. So I was with child 50% of his life any way.

If you jointly decided to have a child

It was not decided jointly.

Missedtheboat you are also completely missing the point.

Back on track for the OP...

What’s happened about the assets of your marriage? Equity, savings, pensions? How have these been split between you?

Missedtheboat I'm not sure what you mean when you say that the decision wasn't a joint one to have a child. When you have sex with someone there's always a chance of a pregnancy.
Also, why are you joining in someone else's thread discussing your issues which are nothing like her experience and are pretty irrelevant.

Also, why are you joining in someone else's thread discussing your issues which are nothing like her experience and are pretty irrelevant

I was replying to others. However, I agree their comments are not related to the OP.

If your wife hadn't been around, would you have been able to do the same work

Yes. It is called boarding School. I know many expatriates who have done the same.

You do seem to love coming on these threads to make SAHMs feel like scrounging moneygrabbers

Many SAHM, particularly those with large families or children with special needs, provide a significant contribution. In my case that did not apply. Ex spent more time going back to her home country than looking after children. A statement made by her own daughter under oath and backed up by the date stamps in her passport.

Anyway. Enough said. Hope any other posts are related to OP

This is how I see it...the OP does work. 34 hours a week. I can understand how it would not be fair if she was saying "Well I am able to work and my children are at school so I could do, but I'm choosing not to, I want to be a SAHM etc and I expect my ex to work ft and keep supporting me financially". I do believe if both parties have the capacity to work to provide then they should be doing so.
But as might be the case with the OP, her earning potential may simply be far less than her ex's.
When I left abusive ex I was working 3 hours a week as a teacher as financially we were well-off, he was making £105k as a finance director of his own business. This "extra" little bit of money went towards the children for things like clothes etc.
However, from the moment I left him I knew I'd have to push up my hours. I got amother teaching job for 16 hours pw (youngest was still 3 so not in school). As soon as youngest was in school I worked ft teaching hours.
Ultimately, I have never thought it reasonable to "live off" my ex. They are my kids as much as they are his and I have a duty to contribute financially. This doesn't mean staying at home when actually I could be working. If women want equality we should be showing it.
The problem comes when there is a huge disparity in earning potential. The most I can earn as an experienced teacher is £35ishk, he continues to earn well over £100k. This means he has a very comfortable lifestyle in a beautiful home with five bedrooms and a weekly cleaner whilst for five years we remain in a damp two-bed rented property and are just getting by.
This is what I see as unfair.
My eldest, bless him, challenged him because he knows dad does not pay me a penny. Ex's response to this was "Well it's your mum's fault she's got a crap job, no reason why she couldn't have been a Chartered Accountant like me and been raking it in. Your mum is a bad parent because you have to share a bedroom with your brother. Come and live full-time with me where you can have everything you like".
Having said all of this, I hope when my boys are older they see that mum was an independent woman who fought very hard to keep food on the table and roof over her childrens' heads. Yes, our house is not perfect but it's enough. A lesson also to my ex that money would not keep me happy and also that I did not need his to survive. Helpless woman who needs him? I think not ☺

Ahh, Missed's wife fell on his penis and got herself pregnant. Clumsy woman.

I have always worked, even when children were babies- part time. But due to husband going away frequently and sometimes short notice it wasn't possible for me to work full time. We had no help from grandparents.

I have taken your advice and booked an appointment with a solicitor, I sent an email explaining briefly what I needed so I am hoping that she will be able to sort me out. It's going to cost me £150 for 45 minutes. Fingers crossed it will be worth it.

You can go to Citizens Advice. I did and even though my ex made £55k and left me with nothing, I qualified for a Legal Aid solicitor and ended up with Spousal support until the divorce was final and 65% of the assets to balance out his additional earning potential.

There is a reason he doesn't want you to seek legal advice and it's important that you have someone represent your best interests.

Write down everything before you go to solicitors . I mean type it out on the computer and email it to her

Names, ages, DOB of you , husband and children
Addresses
Place and date of marriage
Details of both of your employment and salary

List of all assets of both of you -
House, properties, car, pensions, savings, life insurance
Details of debts eg credit cards, outstanding mortgage

Details of bank accounts, Pensions,

BTW Don’t listen to any advice your ex gives you about what you are entitled to. The starting point will be 50% of assets.

So if he has even paying into a pension for 35 years and you were married for 30 years of that, you will get half the 30/35. Of course that will be offset against your own pension.

Can I ask why you haven’t got legal advice before now ?

WH1SPERS - Can I ask why you haven’t got legal advice before now ?

Honestly! I have stuck my head in the sands and hoped he would come back, it was a massive shock when he left. I never thought it would come to this.

@dustyfan Not to worry, just send the child away to boarding school so you don't have to bother with them (seriously? Send the child away?!), or tell some other relatives that they will be watching the children or go back to work at six weeks while still bleeding and recovering from blood loss/stitches/surgery and do not breastfeed the child.

I am thinking he is just trolling, he cannot be for real.

Op, do not go to CAB, go to a proper solicitors. CAB do not have the best track record at advice giving and you can get their info just by reading their website. However some do offer appointments with a solicitor so perhaps call them and ask if they do that?

@GummyGoddess right?! If he is a real person then I'd love to hear his wife's side, I'm sure there'd be a very different story. I bet she posted years ago and got a unanimous LTB 😂

Op definitely get proper legal advice. Don't let him push you around or talk you out of advice that you have a right to. If you've stuck your head in the sand for three years is that because he's strung you along?

I can understand about the ‘sticking your head in the sand “ thing !

I’m guessing that you and the children are still living in the family home? Has he been paying child support for your children ( or giving them money directly now as they are adults ) ? Does he pay anything towards your home ?

To OP

In addition to WHISPERS I would say:

If you have joint bank accounts take your half now before it is emptied.
If you have a mobile take photos of all documents available.

Good that you have sought professional advice. Hope your 3 years wait has not enabled your partner to shift or dispose of assets as once 3 years have passed such transactions may be difficult to overturn?

Good luck

To Ella1980

Hello again. Beware of your ex's suggestion to children they stay with him full time as if he was the Main Carer you would have to pay him child maintenance even though he is a much higher earner!

A truly crazy system.

@MissedTheBoatAgain
He would as well! Well I'd tell him good luck with that, as I'm currently in between jobs atm (complicated story, can't go into detail).
Please don't tell me he could claim from my partner?!!!

@missedtheboat I too worked outside the uk long before my dcs were born and had a well established and lucrative career. I had to give it up and do something much less demanding after my dc as I had to do most of the childcare. That may not be the case in your situation (although it sounds like it was) but this is a major block to women achieving financial equality. Like it or not, the childcare was my responsibility. I was the higher earner but this didn’t matter, I was the woman.

To Ella1980

What your partner earns would not be taken into account as they are not the NRP.