myth or truth? Continuing a similar lifestyle

[almostdivorcedeek]

STBX has a very good lifestyle, he earns about £70 000 a year more than me, I was the stay at home parent to our DC who have now all reached over the age of 18. I do work now - 34 hours a week but obviously do not earn anywhere near as much as him. I am literally living hand to mouth each month. I am entitled to a very small amount of WTC but nothing else. I am constantly counting the pennies.


Obviously over the years while he was building his career I was there supporting him especially when he was frequently away, helped with his studying etc.... We had been together over 30 years - married for most of them.

I don't think I am after spousal maintenance but just wondered if I was entitled to anything extra to help make my life a little easier. I'm not expecting steak and champagne every night, but I am in no way living a the life I used to have. He does not want to use mediation or solicitors, mind you I couldn't afford a solicitor anyway!

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To Zsazsa

Not related to OP question, but if you are the main carer your ex should be paying child maintenance. Even someone on job seekers allowance would have to pay the flat rate. Have you applied to the CMS?

[WH1SPERS]

Although wife could buy anything for herself she became unhappy

What an interesting sentence.

[Ella1980]

No maintenance due if courts decide 50-50 custody, irrelevant if he earns a million! 😠

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

What an interesting sentence

Why?

[waffleblanket]

😂😂😭

[waffleblanket]

Whoops 😂😂😂

[Jodieone]

I divorced about three years ago. My ex tried to persuade me that we didn’t need solicitors. Remember - he is no longer your friend. He does not have your best interests at heart. I am eternally grateful for the job my solicitor did & do not regret one penny I spent on the divorce. Like you, I was a SAHM & facilitated his career. I walked away with half of his pension, half of all our assets & spousal maintenance. Go and get some legal advice & prepare for war.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

facilitated his career

How?

[sofato5miles]

Missedtheboatagain. You are obtuse and you know it. You are an expat who married someone from a much poorer culture and therefore your experience is not typical.

Many marriages discussed on here are between people who were equals on most markers. The SAHP provided a stable home environment; cooking, cleaning, socialising, childcare etc and removed those costs and responsibilities, in both time, thought and money from the career spouse and the marital income. The WOHM partner then was free to focus on their career.

In my marriage, to a man who became senior in finance I fully provided the support role. Children and their needs, down to me. Networking dinners, down to me. Friends and our social life, down to me. All household decisions down to me. Moving country and setting up the new social support network, down to me. He focussed on his job and career.

Now we are separating, I will have more time, due to him not being an areshole, and wanting 50/50 with the kids. I will have less money but guess who is floundering more? Suddenly, on his days he is having to think of what to feed the kids, how to cope when one is ill and he needs to work. His confidence is taking a battering as he has few friends to organise seeing, and he was used to a full social life that he never had to put a thought into.

If we hadn't had kids, I would have worked full time but then would have still compromised my career by following him around the world with his. I have always worked each year in contract roles. Enough to keep my career ticking along. But guess who would still meal plan, shop organise dentists etc even though for a few months at a time our hours would be the same?

As he has said to me recently, he had no idea of everything that went on behind the scenes. The boring decisions that needed thought, everyday.

It is only when one is forced to make the intangible tangible that their value is recognised.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To Sofa

If the marriage was that well organized what went wrong?

[sofato5miles]

Stopped finding him interesting or attractive.

[sofato5miles]

But still liked him enough to know that we can salvage a good friendship.

[thedogattacksthetissuebox]

We all need to just ignore missedtheboat, he is only here to be goady.

[Ella1980]

I was a SAHP (well teaching just 3 hours a week) until I left my ex. My ex earned (still earns) over £100,000k p/a. We lived in a huge five-bed family home with four bathrooms and a weekly cleaner.
Five years on I live in a damp rented two-bed with my two children (now 9 and 11) for half of the time. Abusive ex still in marital home with his 24 yo gf.
No maintenance due and he has CB for one son.
So is the "similar lifestyle" notion correct? Certainly not for me.

[NotBeingRobbed]

How does someone get CB when earning over £100,000? The cut-off is around £50,000. What happened to the equity in the house? Or does he just have a very big mortgage?

[Ella1980]

Simple answer is that he fiddles the system. He re-mortgaged and paid interest only when I left. He was paying abut £400 per month and I was paying £680 per month rent. I did get a pay-out upon divorce (he has a wealthy mum and dad) but it is not enough to get on the housing ladder. He lied on his Form E and said he was setting up his own business and earning £25k per year. Chartered Accountant so he knows how to play the game.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

How does someone get CB when earning over £100,000?

I asked the same question before and the reply was that the CB will be recovered through taxation. Seems a waste of time. If CN can be recovered through taxes why pay it out in the first place?

Chartered Accountant so he knows how to play the game

I can believe that. The case in 2017 where the father was paying £7 per week in Child Maintenance was an example of how someone can be asset rich (the man in question had over £5 Million in properties), but income poor (his only regular income was state pension).

Even the Judge was appalled and remarked that clever accounting and putting properties in trusts had enabled the father to get away with paying very little in child maintenance even though he was a property millionaire several times over. Judge suggested that the asset Variation, which existed before the 2012 CMS Scheme, needs to be reinstated.

[wobytide]

If CN can be recovered through taxes why pay it out in the first place?

Because Child Benefit, as the name suggests is for the benefit of the child, not the parent(s). However it's only after each tax year that the exact circumstances of that relationship and their earnings for the year can be declared. If at the end of the year you find you would have been entitled you can't go back and claim it, however if you find you weren't entitled, you can then pay it back. There are also some nuances around claiming child benefit to ensure other circumstances /entitlements are obtained, if you are a stay at home mum and have children under 12 then the child benefit I think is what triggers you receiving National Insurance Credits for your state pension calculation. So even if the husband earns £100k and the wife earns nothing, she technically has a reason to still claim the benefits even if they are paying them all back via his income tax. And as this is the divorce board, it's probably relevant to those who may be the financially weaker partner

[Jodieone]

Facilitated his career - as Sofa said!

I took care of all the domestic tasks & looked after our children. That meant that he didn’t have to!

It was a joint decision to have the children & that I would sacrifice my career to be there for them before & after school to support their well being & their extra curricular activities.

He never had to take time off to look after them if they were too ill to go to school, because I was there to do it.

He knew I was there which allowed him to work irregular hours and travel abroad for work.

I had to give up my job to accommodate his unusual & demanding schedule.

It is blindingly obvious to most intelligent people, which is why the law recognises that parents can each make an equal contribution to the team we call a ‘family’ & that contributing care, nurture, time, love and stability is as important as providing an income.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

which is why the law recognises that parents can each make an equal contribution to the team

No issues with that statement. However, still not convinced that if wife is SAHM it guarantees that husband will go further in his career and earn more.

[IndieTara]

*@MissedTheBoatAgain
*
It also came out that Ex had not attempted to look for Work and as child's grandparents were both retired and lived close by and could look after child at any time there was no reason for her to be a SAHM.

Why should the fact grandparents were retired and lived close by mean they should look after the child ?

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

Why should the fact grandparents were retired and lived close by mean they should look after the child

No obligation for Grandparents to look after grandchildren.

It was taken into account by Judge when assessing Wife's claim for Joint Lives Spousal Maintenance. Wife argued that she was unable to work because she had a 10 year child to look after. Judge dismissed her claim for numerous reason including fact that grandparents were willing to look after child when wife was at work just as they had done so previously when wife went overseas for weeks at a time to visit relatives.

[IndieTara]

@MissedTheBoatAgain
That's a bit of a large drip feed presumably aimed at goading us on here!

[snoutandab0ut]

*missedtheboat is undoubtedly being goady but as a woman, I think marriage is incompatible with feminist principles. It disincentives women from being financially independent. Spousal maintenance and entitlement to someone’s pension should be abolished. People should obviously be responsible for their children and that should be legally enforced but they shouldn’t be responsible for another adult capable of working. If ever there was a compelling argument against marriage it’s threads like this!

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

Spousal maintenance and entitlement to someone’s pension should be abolished

In some cases it is necessary. eg one partner is disabled or has illness that prevents them from working.

In other cases Spousal Maintenance is awarded because there is sufficient money to go around. Take the extreme case of Jocelyn Wildenstein (the cat woman). She was awarded an initial sum of US$ 2.5 Billion and US$ 100 Million per year for 13 years afterwards.

Nobody on the planet needs that amount of money, but as the Ex husband would still be wealthy after paying it was considered a fair award.