My feed

to access all these features

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.


Moving without asking Ex - who has done it?

51 replies

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:30

I've read with interest Lou141's thread

But I wonder if anyone has actually done this and can tell us what happened?

I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex and 3 young DCs. At the very least my relationship with their father is extremely stressful for me. More likely it is unhealthy for all of us, ex included.

I have to get away. I cannot live my life in his pocket any longer and will be moving 3 hours away in the NY. I plan on giving him notice but not enough for him to get an emergency court order.

I will have a home already set up to move DCs into, school places accepted and a suggested access plan that replaces midweek with extra holiday time.

By the time he manages to get a court hearing or a solicitor the children will be settled in their new home and new school.

Has anyone done this / been through it??

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2018 22:33

You are in the wrong and you know it. How would you like it if he had the DC and did the same to you?

olivertwistwantsmore · 19/12/2018 22:36

Well, my h’s ex did this 20 years ago, then refused to ever drive ds to us. So we travelled 3 hours each way to see ds once a month for 15 years... didn’t even think of court hearing or solicitor.

But it’s a shitty thing to do to a man who’s a good, committed dad. But your h is not that.

If you genuinely think the move is better for you and dc, then go for it.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:37

There is a very good reason he doesn't have the DC.

I'm not asking for approval, I'm asking if anyone has stories of having been through the same.

I have very, very good reasons for doing this. And all of them are in the interests of my DC. So, no, I'm not at all in the wrong actually.

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:39

Oliver thank you. I would be accommodating for travel and probably do most of it due to being able to see family not too far away.

He won't see the children any less. But he won't like it one little bit. But I will not spend the next 15 years of my life staying where I'm unhappy so as not to upset him.

OP posts:
giggly · 19/12/2018 22:42

Are you aware that if he goes to court for access you may well have to facilitate his access or at the very least take the child half way to him.
I’m not going to offer my opinion as you are not looking for any simply seeking information on how to do it or what where the consequencesHmm

Doyoumind · 19/12/2018 22:44

From a legal perspective, you don't get to decide what's best for your DC and you know this. That isn't to say I don't understand why you want to.

I moved with ex's knowledge but I have certainly heard of cases where a court has ordered a return to where the DC came from when there has been a sudden move.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2018 22:45

I’m sure people do this often. My DH also did it, though not as far away. The cost to the children was immense. We found out when DSD broke down on me about how she didn’t want to leave her school and her friends and how awful it was mum was making them keep secrets and they were going away from us. It was far too late to do anything about it, even though she actually shouldn’t have taken them out of their school without DH’s agreement. Yes, he also does all the driving as she refuses. But someone’s got to put the children first and thankfully their dad does.

You sound like you’ve got a plan. He won’t have a choice, as you say. Not sure what you need advice on. The only thing I’d say is you can say it’s the right thing for you and the DC but it’s a bit rich claiming it’s in your ex’s interest to take his children away from him, when he won’t get any say in it. If you’re not in the wrong then you should be able to talk to him about it.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:45

I am perfectly willing to do more than half the travelling.

What I'm hoping / assuming won't happen is the courts ordering the children be removed from their new school and home.

I have majority residency of the children. Their father's access will be different but not less and still frequent. I can't really see this is very unreasonable tbh.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2018 22:45

My DH ex

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2018 22:47

If it’s reasonable then discuss it with their father - their equal parent.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:49

From a legal perspective, you don't get to decide what's best for your DC and you know this. I'm not sure how you worked that one out. I have full parental responsibility. That gives me every legal right.

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:50

Anne my plan is reasonable. My DCs father is not.

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:52

What I'm really wanting to know is just to hear from anyone who did it and what happened. I've no doubt he'll go straight to court. But what is the likely end scenario of that?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 19/12/2018 22:53

I really wouldn't assume what the court will order. You can't know. It could come down to which judge you get on the day if it were to go to court.

What are the benefits for your DC in this move? That is all the court will care about. They don't care about what you or your partner want to do.

I've been through the court system and if you are suggesting there is any kind of abuse or manipulation etc you won't get anywhere unless the police or SS have been involved.

titchy · 19/12/2018 22:53

Why can't you take it to court? Get a specific issue order. No chance of them being removed that way, and you can prepare the dc's.

Doyoumind · 19/12/2018 22:55

If your ex has parental responsibility you don't get to decide by yourself. It's not how the law works. If it goes to court the court will decide for you what's best for the children.

Doyoumind · 19/12/2018 22:56

If you post in legal matters there are some solicitors who will be able to advise based on their experience.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:57

What are the benefits for your DC in this move? That is all the court will care about. They don't care about what you or your partner want to do.

That I don't have a massive fucking melt down and can concentrate on being a good mother without some arsehole dictating my life to me.

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:58


thanks, will do

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 19/12/2018 22:59

I can tell you now that won't go down well in court if that's your reason. I'm not trying to make this difficult for you. You just have to understand how the system works.

HappyHedgehog247 · 19/12/2018 23:03

I moved, but via court.
Is he the type to take you to court? If so, you need to be clear what the reasons are to justify the move from the DC perspective. You could make ex a generous offer in terms of you doing all the travel etc which may help reduce chances of going to court.

lifebegins50 · 19/12/2018 23:20

If he has parental responsibility then you cannot make changes to schools without his knowledge or agreement. It's one of the few restrictions, name change is another.

I fear a judge would look at your case very unfavourably as it would be seen as a unilateral decision. Your Ex would be granted an emergency PSO within days and then the children could be forced to return or go to his care.
It's a very risky strategy especially if you know he will object and take the legal route. At a PSO hearing the father will flag "risk" to the children and because all the facts are not presented at this stage the Judge could recommend the status quo/low risk option which is the old schools until Cafcass involved. How you get the children there and to see their Dad would be your issue.

It's only at the next hearing, FDR, where you and Ex would submit evidence and a judge then looks at the facts and the Cafcass recommendation.

Conversely if you do this properly and have a good case, such as schools, housing, job, family support and you offer contact arrangements that maintain the childrens' rights to see their Dad you are likely to be allowed to move.

If the children are under 11 then the assessment is by Cafcass but generally courts don't like to prevent parents from "moving on".

If you present this fairly to Ex he may still force it to court (as a delaying tactic) but if he had a fair solicitor he might be encouraged to get a revised contact order as that is likely to be outcome in court.

In summary if you move and Ex takes it to court, the risk is high that you are forced to return them to the old school as judges do penalise parents who act unilaterally. You would then have to apply to move and your Ex would have a stronger case for no move due to more disruption.
If you take the disclosure route and it ends up in court you are likely to be allowed to move.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 23:28

Thank you life

Would any job do as reason enough? With the disclosure route. I mean simply having well thought through eggs in order rather than eggs which can't be found in current location?

And so far as 'disclosure' goes... do you mean notice to my ex putting the proposal to him?

If I apply to court for a specific order then by the time it has gone through I will have lost any job or housing opportunity I may have found.

FWIW Children already have to move home and school for other reasons. That move needs to happen now, regardless of where to.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 19/12/2018 23:31

@HappyHedgehog247, did you apply to move first, i.e apply to court for a Specific issues order, get permission to move and then move?
This is what I advocate the Op does as likely to go through, subject to clear reasons and evidence she has thought through the move.

Op, timeframe for Ex to block you can be very quick, a matter of days. All he has to do is tick a box on an emergency application to court and a hearing is scheduled at the next available can be within days and you would have to travel back to attend and get legal support which could be difficult.

I get the emotion but if you take it through the process you can have a better outcome.

puddled2 · 19/12/2018 23:34

No woman does this lightly , good luck op , hope you & your family have a peaceful life

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.