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Moving without asking Ex - who has done it?

51 replies

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 22:30

I've read with interest Lou141's thread

But I wonder if anyone has actually done this and can tell us what happened?

I have a very dysfunctional relationship with my ex and 3 young DCs. At the very least my relationship with their father is extremely stressful for me. More likely it is unhealthy for all of us, ex included.

I have to get away. I cannot live my life in his pocket any longer and will be moving 3 hours away in the NY. I plan on giving him notice but not enough for him to get an emergency court order.

I will have a home already set up to move DCs into, school places accepted and a suggested access plan that replaces midweek with extra holiday time.

By the time he manages to get a court hearing or a solicitor the children will be settled in their new home and new school.

Has anyone done this / been through it??

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 23:35

But how can I secure a job and a house if I have to wait for a specific issues order?

OP posts:
BeekyChitch · 19/12/2018 23:39

Will this even go to court? The reason I ask is my ex constantly threatened me with court and it never happened (in the end I took him to court) so I'm just wondering if you think he would? I moved with my daughter without his knowledge.

If he is controlling as you say he is I would talk to Women's Aid who were a god send for me - supported me in court, provided statements to police, HA etc. If you are willing to travel and he will still see the kids as much I don't see a problem. How old are your DC if you don't mind me asking?

SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 23:42

Two are at school. Eldest is under 10.

I have had to try to involve SS but they're not interested. It's not 'bad enough' basically. And of course he's as nice as pie to every one so no one believes me anyway.

The children don't want to be with him especially. He has engineered our split so that he has a well paid job and a house in his chosen part of the county with no consideration for schools etc. I have the children most of the time and am left with no home, no job and have the children to consider.

OP posts:
SoonToBeMissAgain · 19/12/2018 23:44

I don't know if it will go to court. He is incredibly tight and will resist spending money if he can. But he will also be furious. I can't agree the simplest of things with him and he atomically shuts down as soon as he thinks there is a hint of me telling him what to do.

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lifebegins50 · 19/12/2018 23:47

The case infront of a judge will be your need to move vs impact to the children.
Any job is fine or prospect of jobs as I assume you have finances settled and you need to be self sufficient.
If you can show that you are looking to maintain contact and share driving then I can't see why a judge would object as courts can't stop you moving but they can suggest the children change residency. Could that be something he puts forwards as an argument? Is it realistic?

I would recommend you notify your Ex that as you need to move house imminently you are considering a move to xyz, where dc would go to school at abc. As you acknowledge it's important that the children retain a relationship with both parents you suggest the following schedule (worth detailing what present agreement is) and your proposal for shared driving.

If he goes the court route you can demonstrate you are acting without disregard to his PR.
Getting this done legally will be circa 6 months but intime for September 2019.
I know it's not ideal but it looks like you have no choice.
I have knowledge of this professionally and personally so I know the stress you are under.PM if you want the gory details!

sollyfromsurrey · 19/12/2018 23:55

He has engineered our split so that he has a well paid job and a house in his chosen part of the county with no consideration for schools etc. I have the children most of the time and am left with no home, no job and have the children to consider.
How have you been left with the children and no home?

lifebegins50 · 20/12/2018 00:00

I know how tough it is trying to line up house, job and schools with an Ex who wants to stop you..if finances are not court sealed could you agree consent order if he agrees to move?

Do you have family support as it's so stressful but once you have finance agreed, divorce done and move agreed you will be able to relax..and even better if the Ex is living far away

If finances

SoonToBeMissAgain · 20/12/2018 00:05

if finances are not court sealed could you agree consent order if he agrees to move this is a good idea and likely to work as money seems to be his main motivator in life.

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MerryMax · 20/12/2018 00:06

DHs ex did exactly this. DH went to court by self representing and was granted residency of the DC. Ex reluctantly moved back and things went back to the way they were but only because DH thought it was in the kids best interest. He easily could have forced her back to court but he's not an arsehole.

Christmasisforadults2 · 20/12/2018 00:38

Why don't the dc like him or want to see him?

SoonToBeMissAgain · 20/12/2018 00:40

Oh well thats a whole other story. And one that no one is interested in apparently

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Atleastihavethecat · 20/12/2018 00:47

DPS ex did. Court ordered that she move back. But it was obvious that she did it solely to mess up contact.

H1dingInSight · 20/12/2018 00:54

A friend did this, although in her case it was 5 hours not 3.

Her XH took her to court. The court ordered her back to their hometown as an interim measure until it could be settled for definite. She lost the job she’d found, the house she’d rented and the school place she’d secured for her DC.

After a few months the courts did give her permission to move (she had good reasons to choose the place she did), but by then she’s lost loads of money, and had to find a different job, and a different school.

snitzelvoncrumb · 20/12/2018 01:18

I suggest talking to a family solicitor, because you could be forced to move back.

titchy · 20/12/2018 07:49

A specific issue order could be done and dusted in a week. You're not looking at months of waiting. Post on legal matters. If it's important to move, it's important that move is permanent, and that means legally approved.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 20/12/2018 11:38

And all of them are in the interests of my DC. So, no, I'm not at all in the wrong actually.

Well take it to court and see if you are then. I very much doubt that you would be seen as not at all in the wrong. For starters you are going about it in the wrong way.

Fontofnoknowledge · 20/12/2018 12:30

My DH ex did exactly as you are planning to do. At exactly the same time of year. Went to pick them up for NYE and she and they had disappeared. It's an unbelievably shitty thing to do.

We got the police involved. They advised calling the Principal registry at the family division . The duty officer helped us secure a seek and find order, and an emergency welfare hearing as the children had been removed from home and school without the permission of the other parent with Parental responsibility. (This is an EQUAL responsibility not weighted to the mother)
There was also a bulletin put out at the ports. (We didn't know if she was trying to abduct them abroad)

We had a mobile number for her which she wasn't answering but was able to leave a voicemail telling her what orders had been obtained and what trouble she was in if she didn't return . (The judge ordered that the children be returned to their fathers care immediately).
When she returned the judge was extremely angry and accused her of trying to 'thwart contact' and that she 'did not have permission to move the children from the jurisdiction'
Her behaviour continued in other annoying ways for about 6 more months before the eldest 2 children voted with their feet and moved in with their father. The younger two are now with us 4/5 days a week.
The last hearing saw her threatened with prison if she were to try anymore ways to disrupt contact. This came after a 2 month community service order for contempt for demobbing them without permission.

I really wouldn't recommend it.

Fontofnoknowledge · 20/12/2018 12:32

Demobbing ? Removing

xzcvbnm · 20/12/2018 12:35

Fontofnoknowledge, great to hear the law was on your side and that the kids didn't get brainwashed

WatchThisThread · 20/12/2018 15:53

OP, how financially well off is exDH? Going to a solicitor and then to court will cost thousands. If he doesn't have that kind of money then I'd say you will probably get away with it. There will only be an issue if he decides to act.

SoonToBeMissAgain · 20/12/2018 16:23

Fontofnoknowledge that isn’t quite what I was planning!! EXDH would know where we were going, when and how I proposed he see them, where they were going to school etc. However after hearing some of these stories I appreciate it might not be the best way to achieve what I’m trying to accomplish.

WatchThisThread he has money and a very well paid job. But he is terrfied of losing it to legal fees and has so done all he can to avoid solicitors and court.

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Fontofnoknowledge · 20/12/2018 21:35

One important issue. Is there already a court order in place for the current contact or is that agreed by mutual consent ?

ayupducky · 22/12/2018 06:52

Agree that if he takes this to court you're in the hands of the judge. It's impossible to say which way it could go. It may even be ordered that your DC live with their father and you have contact.

Also, going to court will not cost him thousands. The court fee is a couple of hundred and he can represent himself. No other cost involved.

If you move your DC without his agreement you're taking a huge gamble.

trinity0097 · 22/12/2018 06:58

How far away are you planning to go?

gonzo77 · 22/12/2018 07:01

Soontobe I had almost identical circumstances to you last year. Be very careful. My exh went to court and won residence of our youngest (8) because the court thought it best to keep the status quo for her, even though I had main residence until that point and exh is known to be emotionally abusive.

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