The house

[DucksInRow]

How's it decided who gets it?

The other day he said "Legally I wouldn't have to move out..." I can't get it out of my head. I know it's true - neither would I (we're both on the mortgage). Before he's said he would go. So what happens if both of us want to stay? Is it just a case of letting the solicitors decide? We have 2 DCs.

You can go to mediation (this is true for both child issues and financial issues), and if mediation doesn't work it will be court. Housing is part of the financial proceedings and will be looked at as part of your overall assets and needs. There are many variables which would determine the split.

He's right, legally he doesnt have to move out and neither do you. It would put him at a disadvantage if he did so.

House will be part of the assets along with savings, pensions, etc. If you are determined to stay in house with DC you will have to buy him out and take over the mortgage in full yourself. If you can't afford to do that then either agree an equity (assuming there is equity) split between yourselves or spend a fortune going through the Courts and incurring the associated stress.

My Ex burned 35K in Legal Fees and the Divorce took almost 2 years to complete. She ended up with a lot less than my offer at the beginning of the Divorce as by definition there was 35K less in the pot to share out by time the Final Hearing took place.

Settle amicably if you can.

My ex remained in the house for 8 months after I started the divorce process, in the spare bedroom, living entirely separate (food cooking washing etc) threatening to call the police on me if I left our children in the house with him on any other day than the one per week he was prepared to spend time with them. It was pretty hellish and testimony to his absolute abusive control that he managed to verbally abuse and intimidate me but never tipped into physical abuse because he knew this would provide me with the grounds for a court order to remove him.
I used grey rock technique which he hated, and I gave up any hope of him being reasonable, which has stood me in good stead post divorce.
Strangely once he was in a flat on his own and we'd been to court and I'd paid him for the house, he let that control go and assaulted me, something he'd intimidated me with for the previous 4-5 years.
That meant we avoided mediation for the child arrangements order and i had special measures at court.
Be clear on your legal rights, don't trust him, if you trusted him and he had your best interests at heart you'd probably not be separating. Even if you think it's amicable, see a solicitor and know your entitlement, you don't have to be "screwing him for every penny" to get legal advice.

@Originallymeonly - that sounds absolutely hellish. I'm sorry you learnt all that in such a hard way. I think you're right that I shouldn't trust him. He has had anger issues for a long time (and I had contact with Women's Aid a while back, so there's a record). He's being OK now -a changed man (on the surface) so it's all 'what do you want me to do - I've changed now).. but I've seen how he can be.

@MissedTheBoatAgain - Sounds terrible for you too. Thanks for your advice. It's really helpful.