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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce - is not being in love a good enough reason ??

65 replies

Melissa74 · 27/10/2018 14:54

So is no longer being in love with each other a good enough reason to seek divorce ?
We have been together a long time & he is the main earner , however we lead separate lives ... he reads at the dinner table & I now either eat earlier / later or whilst watching tv in another room . We have no slept together for 2 yrs although we do share a bed .Do I turn my daughters (17) life upside down or do I muddle along or make a break with all the uncertainty that brings ?

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somuchbetter · 28/10/2018 21:57

Have you tried talking about this with your partner?
I have come to value mutual respect far more than the exhilarating in love. Maybe it will be enough, the calm comfort you can get in companionship, but this is between you and him. Maybe you can build a hole different kind of relationship, if only you try together.
And maybe you already tried and it doesn't work - it would still better if you could talk about where you'll go from here.
Good luck!

BathFullOfEels · 28/10/2018 22:01

I don’t know the answer melissa but watching with interest as I am in exactly the same situation, although dc’s are much younger. He works away Monday-Friday and we still can’t find anything to talk about for the two days he is here.

Would it really turn your daughters life upside down if you were to separate? Surely she can recognise your lack of interaction and interest in each other. How would you feel being on your own? It must be very lonely to be in the same house as someone and eat and watch tv separately. I know it is for me.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 29/10/2018 00:12

In UK you needs to have grounds for Divorce such as; Adultery (hard to prove if someone does not put their hand up), Abandonment (this can take up to 5 years) or unreasonable behaviour (seems to be the most common as can be almost anything).

UK at present does not allow Divorce by mutual consent or irreconcilable differences. Would be better if it was allowed in my view. So sadly one partner has to point the finger at the other.

At age 17 it is likely the daughter has already detected that things are not going well between her parents.

Without being rude you seem to have some good examples of unreasonable behaviour. Not talking to you when together. Lack of marital activity. Might need one or two more. Seek advice from solicitor.

Hopefully you can settle amicably and neither of you makes it into a contest. If that happens Legal costs can spiral rapidly. My Ex dragged Divorce out over almost 2 years. Cost was 35K. Money I would have rather seen go into Ex's pocket as opposed to Legal fees.

thighofrelief · 29/10/2018 00:30

My parents have been married 60 years (I'm twice divorced) and they have simply been friends for about 40 or more of those years. Can you be friends with your DH?

MissedTheBoatAgain · 29/10/2018 02:48

Can you be friends with your DH?

From the little OP has said it sounds like they are not even friends never mind Partners?

EcruTable · 29/10/2018 03:11

Yes it is a good enough reason. Its entirely up to you whether you stay in a relationship with someone. You don’t need anyone’s permission to split up.
It’s irreconcilable differences. But you would need to separate and then divorce on those grounds after 2 years of separation. I recommend you get some proper legal advice and start planning for the future.
Your DD is almost an adult. She may not like it but she will learn to accept it. It would set a great example to her that you are taking responsibility for your own happiness and that you have the right to choose your partner and leave when it makes you unhappy.

northernglam · 29/10/2018 11:33

My kids say they didn't notice anything was wrong although I felt we were exposing them to a terrible example of a relationship and lots of unhealthy sniping and resentment. A year on from separation they are fine, their lives weren't turned upside down because dad now lives somewhere else. They are still doing well at school. It helped I think that no one else was involved and no one has met anyone new. Everyone has had some breathing space to adjust. They are still the centre of both our lives. I think it's better to separate before not after the kids leave home and work it through together. It's good they get to see us being amicable. We haven't started divorce yet and will do it on 2 years separation. We are better friends now we don't live together and don't have the pressure of having to pretend to be a happy couple to the outside world. People do drift apart. Our kids may live to 100 and have several long term relationships in a lifetime. I'm not sure people should stay married for 70+ years out of duty. It's a long time to be unhappy.

mistermagpie · 29/10/2018 11:47

I'm not sure about the above info in relation to divorce in the uk. I divorced a few years ago and we just had to be separated for a year, didn't have to give any of those reasons. I do live in Scotland though.

Anyway, of course not being in love is a good enough reason to divorce, it's one of the best reasons. Your daughter is practically an adult and will be off living her own life soon enough, you need to focus on living yours.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 29/10/2018 20:56

We have had many discussions over the years . He’s aknowleged he needs to try & show affection & interest however we always seem to fall back in to the same patten as before . I realise marriage is hard work , but not this hard ! It’s a very lonely exsistance living with someone who only speaks when spoken to or never initiates anything but functional conversation

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BathFullOfEels · 29/10/2018 21:03

Personally the thought of being with dh when he retires fills me with dread. All we talk about at the moment is the kids, the weather and the state of the roads. We both know it’s not working but neither of us are quite brave enough to be the one that admits it yet.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 29/10/2018 21:05

Am I being unreasonable ( high maintenance ) to expect to be asked , or shown some interest after I have had an evening out with girlfriends ? To offer to drop me off or pick up ? To occasionally be told I look nice when dressing up for an evening out ( this has never been said - not even on wedding day !😂)

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Original poster
Melissa74 · 29/10/2018 21:07

Totally empathise BathFullOfEels ... beware the kids grow up sooner than you think . Start thinking about what you want for the future now .

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EcruTable · 30/10/2018 02:25

Melissa. No you are not being unreasonable to want these things. DH1 was the same. No interest. Didn’t compliment me on wedding day or even give me a hug or kiss. Went to bed on my own. DH2 totally the opposite. Loads of affection, compliments, conversations, interest, helps with anything, gives lifts anywhere.
Leave himand be single and maybe find someone else. There are better men. You can have high expectations for yourself.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 30/10/2018 02:33

To offer to drop me off or pick up ? To occasionally be told I look nice when dressing up for an evening out

Sounds like you are being taken for granted. Big turn off for any woman. Time has come to make a choice:

Remain in unhappy relationship and waste the remainder of your life

or

Move on and enjoy the remainder of your life.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 30/10/2018 23:43

Thanks for all comments / advice it really does help .Things can not continue as they are & I deserve to be treated better .

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Hattie78 · 31/10/2018 09:28

I feel very similar. We haven’t had sex in years, barely talk, I initiate everything with the kids (and often take them out on my own because he doesn’t want to). I am contemplating my future because I dread the kids growing up - we literally have nothing to say to each other when they’re not around. The thought of leaving is hideous but so is the thought of staying.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 31/10/2018 09:49

I know exactly how you feel . This has been going on for years but was easier to deal with when kids were younger as I guess we had them to concentrate on & fill the gap . I do think the situation has got worse though as time has gone on . The thought of leaving is so scary I know , it’s literally taken me years to get to the point of thinking of leaving .Im now going to contact a solicitor & consider my options .
Start allowing your mind to consider not being together , the practicalities ( sounds like you are pretty much doing it on your own now any way ) financial situation etc .
Ask yourself if you won a million pounds tomorrow would you want to work things out or would that be the ticket out ?
Good luck !

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Original poster
Melissa74 · 31/10/2018 09:52

I think the biggest fear is would I be swapping one set of problems for another ie loneliness & lack of respect for financial uncertainty & struggle . May seem shallow but it’s the truth

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Hattie78 · 31/10/2018 09:54

Oh that got me thinking! I’ve been doing a little bit of research into how I’d manage financially etc. I’m also considering going to see a solicitor so I have all the facts. It’s just the kids. I feel so guilty for how it will affect them but I guess my happiness is important too and hopefully they’d be happier if I was happier? I’m not going to do anything this side of Christmas- just going to take some time to think things over.
Good luck to you whatever you decide to do xx

MissedTheBoatAgain · 01/11/2018 01:15

To Hatie78 and Meliessa74

Don't stay in an unhappy relationship for Kids no matter how tempting it may be. I did it for years and only made things worse. Stepdaughter spent as much time as possible at her BF's house as could not stand being in the family house. Son used to stay in his room to keep out of the way.

I pulled the plug when Stepdaughter went to University as one less variable to think about. Son was 8 at the time, bit seemed to handle it well.

SputnikBear · 01/11/2018 01:32

Personally I value mutual respect and support more than butterflies in the tummy. What you want is someone who’ll support you if you lose your job, care for you when you’re incapacitated after surgery, hold your hand when your mum dies, buy you a thoughtful Xmas present, make your dinner when you’re tired, cheer you up when you’re sad, etc. Romantic love is overrated. It’s great when you’re a teenager but when you become an adult you need a reliable family member.

Having said that, it sounds like you’re not even friends? Would he be there for you if needed?

fatbrows · 01/11/2018 01:59

Legally yes you can. I do not know the law in full depth but I studied it only a few months ago in my law degree.
You can argue you've separated a long time ago, and the fact that you still live together shouldn't matter as you don't eat together, sleep together etc.
Yes you should be able to but I would seek professional legal advice, I doubt that you will struggle to find grounds to divorce.

As for your daughter, I hated seeing my parents together and not in love and encouraged my mother to get a divorce. While it broke me still (I was 18) I knew it was for the best. She will understand I think and she will become accustomed to it.

Original poster
Melissa74 · 01/11/2018 11:54

Emotionally no . When my father passed away he did not visit him once in the hospital. When a friend passed away recently I text letting him know & he sent a text back & was never discussed again . He does howerver support me financially

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Original poster
Melissa74 · 01/11/2018 11:56

@fatbrows would it be classed as separation if we physically sleep in same bedroom though ?

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Original poster
Melissa74 · 01/11/2018 11:59

@hattie78
I have a feeling you will be just fine .
Perfectly ok to go at your pace , think of it as a marathon not a sprint .Good luck xx

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