Divorce - is not being in love a good enough reason ??

[Melissa74]

So is no longer being in love with each other a good enough reason to seek divorce ?
We have been together a long time & he is the main earner , however we lead separate lives ... he reads at the dinner table & I now either eat earlier / later or whilst watching tv in another room . We have no slept together for 2 yrs although we do share a bed .Do I turn my daughters (17) life upside down or do I muddle along or make a break with all the uncertainty that brings ?

Never heard of that specific scenario so would be for the courts to decide.
I would still assume it doesn't matter

Would he be there for you if needed?

Best question of all. The true test of love.

@missedtheboat
Depends on the definition of “there”

Thanks. That’s good advice? How are you doing today?

Go for it.
I split up with exDH when our DD was only a year old. The thought of being with him for the rest of my life filled me with dread.
6 years later, my life is the best it’s ever been and I’ve pushed myself in so many ways that I doubt I’d have done when with him: bought a new house myself, set up my own business, and most importantly, have now found someone incredible and loving who ticks every single box.
Do it and have no regrets.

@hattie78
Actually really positive . It’s strangely reassuring to know that I have been settling for less than I deserve . Steps are in progress ... it’s still slightly terrifying but the thought of the next 20 years being in the same situation is far worse

I know exactly what you mean xx

Is he engaged in any area of his life, such as your daughter or friends?

If his behaviour is just "him" then I think his behaviour is likely to get worse as he gets older.
Knowing he doesn't have your back would be a line in the sand.
I find that I am more supported now as when I was married it was assumed my husband was being supportive. Now family and friends happily support me as know I am single (I was practically single but married previously).

@lifebegins50
We mostly have separate friendship groups I socialise frequently with mine & he rarely does any with his . We have a few mutual “couple friends” & he will attend if invited to an occasion .
I’m pretty sure this is “ just him” & it’s something that has developed & got worse as time has gone on . Pretty sure at the start of our relationship he was pretty attentive if not a bit smothering

Hi, I've walked in your shoes until very recently. I've just come from exactly the type of relationship you talk about. I'd been married for 20 years, but unhappily for around 10 of those years. No regular intimacy for many years and sex free for the last 3; rather embarrassingly I'd feel repulsed at the thought without drinking first, so I finally moved out of the bedroom. I have two amazing older teenage daughters, I thought I'd stayed in the marriage for their stability and to refrain from tearing their lives apart. I now realise I used this as an excuse to stay as I wasn't brave enough to be financially independent.

Anyway, long tedious story short, he was given attention by a colleague at work and started a relationship with her. My oldest daughter kicked him out when he 'mistakenly' sent me a photo of him and her (bastard lol) and I didn't fight it. It's been the most stressful 6 months ever as I had to find a rental properly quickly as my husband is military so we lived in married quarters, my income is hugely different from before so my family had to help, but I can just about pay my way by myself as I have an ok job. I've cried, and cried and cried some more with the fear of the unknown, but the reason I've joined Mumsnet today is specifically to tell you to not waste your life being with someone that you don't love. Yes it's hard, but if you are brave enough and in a financial position where you feel you can afford to leave your husband behind, your daughter will be upset but she'll also be fine.

My tears have now stopped, as have my children's, and the only feeling I have is that I wish I'd have done it far sooner. Even my children tell me I put up with him too long. I may be alone for ever (although I doubt it) but I was equally alone being in my marriage. What I have now is happiness as a singleton, with my girls to focus on, but with the added excitement that I may actually meet someone in the future that doesn't make me feel as though I'm dead from the neck down, or simply the live in cleaner and cook! Life is short, I'm 48 but I'm an eternal optimist. If you think you can be happier alone start planning. Good luck with whatever you decide to do though. It's such a huge and hard choice to make. X

God no thanks Marads . I'd rather stick pins in my eyes!

@crunchiegirl Thank you ! Thank you ! Thank you ! You have literally just described every emotion I’m feeling perfectly .
Your message really does inspire me & although f terrifies me I have a feeling
I’m gonna be just fine .
All the best to you for your future xx

@Melissa74 You are very welcome. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're in that position, but as I sit of an evening in MY house, drinking MY G&T that MY money bought, I literally smile to myself at how far I've come in such a short time. No looking at his miserable face, no resentment, none of his washing or attitude (and most importantly his Star Wars and Star Trek collection...Please don't judge me lol) to contend with, just hope and excitement for what the future brings.

My mum asked me earlier today if I had any regrets; not for a second. I'm not saying I won't have challenges ahead, but I'll face those head on when and if they arise. X

@crunchiegirl
I think you are brill ! You should be very proud of yourself
Fancy writing a blog to help us newbies with the benefit of your wisdom ?!

@Melissa74 Hehe, not sure people would be interested in my whinging. Thanks though; I'm glad you feel I'm helping. X

and the only feeling I have is that I wish I'd have done it far sooner

I did the same. Stayed in unhappy marriage for sake of stepdaughter. As soon as she obtained UK Citizenship I was in the Solicitors office to file for Divorce.

Good to hear that you have been able to move on and and are now more happy. Well done to Crunchiegirl. I hope you and Melissa74 become friends.

Hi @Melissa74 and @Hattie78 I'm in the same place. But I'm ashamed to say I have been for months. We've been going for counselling for ages. It has made things better - he's admitted his moodiness and anger that I and the DDs have been on the receiving end of. And he's Mr Nice Guy (for now). But even if this is an actual transformation I don't feel any different. I'm emotionally numb. But he's changed, so I should be happy, shouldn't i? Breaking up feels like a hugely selfish thing to do.

@missedtgeboatagain Any regrets ? (Think I already know the answer

@namedchanged77 - absolutely no need for guilt ! Has literally taken years of back & forth , promises made & broken to get to the point where enough is enough .. you are being too hard on yourself !
How long have you been doing counselling? Were things ok in general between you & hubby apart from moodiness & how long did this behaviour last ? & how long has the new / better behaviour been evident ?
Whose idea was it to seek counselling ? Soz lots of questions !
I would take a guess that you are feeling numb as you have been through an emotional roller coaster & poss afraid to let your guard down in case of more disappointment & hurt ?

Thank you @Melissa74 I feel like you're being too kind! As briefly as possible, moodiness/anger on and off for years, shut myself off from it. Got really bad towards the end of last year, eldest also became a target. It was EA and controlling behaviour for sure. But I knew he could be different - and that I'd feel guilty if I didn't try. So counselling since April. Progress in that he (eventually after many many sessions of refusing to accept what I said was true) finally did. He's sorry, he loves me etc etc. He has been much better with DD and she is happier for it. Both DDs still want to be with me more though. So there is progress. But I still feel very distant from him, can't think long term. He's back in our room (after a holiday where we had to share) but I want my space back I think. He did ask me a few times on holiday if I was "all right" but I chickened out of giving an honest response. Just felt like it would upend things when we were stuck together for the week!!

Sorry for the essay!!

Do the 'date night' test. Does the idea fill you with dread or delight. If the former it's worth hanging in there. If the latter then perhaps this relationship has run its course.

Opposite way round there!!!

He moved out on Monday - I found some pretty bad things out (see my thread on Relationships) so I asked him to go so I could think but I’m fairly sure what I want. I’m only giving it some time so I can be absolutely sure as I do have my boys to think about. Even though it’s only been two days and my emotions are all over the place, there’s definitely some relief in there and I prefer not having him around.
Next step is to see if I can buy the house which I’m worried about as I might not be able to afford to and the thought of moving fills me with horror, but I’m strong.

@hattie74
What have I missed ?!!