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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

ExH and alcohol

9 replies

TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 24/10/2018 22:30

I separated from H a year ago. Since then his drinking has increased. He still works, and pays towards our 3 children.
However when he is not at work he is always drinking. I know he’s usually over the driving limit but I can’t prove it. He collects the children from school once a week. He drives to get then and then had then for 4/5 hours until I finish work. I am certain he is over the limit most weeks when he collecys them. I can’t prove it though. Also, there is nobody else who can do this for me, so I would need to quit my job in order for this to stop. I have asked him about his drinking and he just brushes it off.
His friends have mentioned they are worried too.
Has anyone any advice?

OP posts:
noego · 24/10/2018 23:37

Doesn't matter whether you can prove he is drink driving or not. You say YOU KNOW he is over the limit and yet you allow him to have the children in the car!!!!!

Please sort it out before something dreadful happens.

blackcat86 · 24/10/2018 23:40

I'd find a pay phone and call the police anonymously as a concerned parent of the school. You cannot allow this situation to continue. He is a risk to your DCs and other innocent road users.

wintersnowflake · 24/10/2018 23:41

This is not meant to sound as it will but if you believe your ex is over the limit whilst driving with your children in the car , then bollox to the job , he is putting your kids lives and others at danger, if something happened to them or someone else you would never forgive yourself. You can tip off the police , they will sit and wait and chk. I understand you have no one else to have the kids but what's more important?

Flower64 · 25/10/2018 07:05

You need to stop him collecting them or the authorities will say you cant safeguard their needs. I was given this advice by my solicitor after my ex started calling anyone who'd listen to his drunken ramblings about me not letting him take the kids out. I had refused point blank to let him take them and she said if I went back on that then they would look at whether I was a fit parent or not. You need to stop him collecting them. He could kill them, himself, some poor innocent bystander..... The job is secondary to your children being alive. Im sorry if that's blunt.

A580Hojas · 25/10/2018 07:57

Of course you can find someone else to collect them from school one day per week! It's not rocket science. What on earth are you dithering about for? Come on!

Tiddleypops · 25/10/2018 09:14

OP dealing with an alcoholic is extremely difficult, they can be manipulative, impulsive and reckless to say the least. If you were to accuse him of driving while over the limit, I'm sure he'd just deny it and not only that, but rant and rave and do all he can to make you feel like you're stark raving mad to suggest it (I've been there!)
However, he is absolutely not to be trusted. He will lie his way out of anything, so do not be fooled by his assertions and trust your instincts.

If you don't contact SS, someone else will - if someone at school notices or suspects him of being drunk, they will go straight to SS Sad I think it might be worth doing so yourself so you have some back up when you tell him you are not willing to allow him to drive with the DCs in the car or pick them up from school. If you can, I'd see a solicitor too - just to see where you stand legally - do you have legally agreed access currently, or is it just arranged between the 2 of you?
As long as they are safe with you, then SS won't take them away or anything rash like that! Your ex may have to have supervised access only, which you would drive them to and from. You are protecting them that way.

I understand the difficulty with work and childcare struggles - is there a childminder near you or an after school club they could go to? Can you ask your employer for some flexibility on that evening? Please look into all possible options. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
TheGirlWhoLovedTomGordon · 25/10/2018 21:28

Thanks for your replies

I’m not dithering about. There is nobody I can ask to collect 3 children, every week at 3.15 and keep them until 8.45pm and make their dinner/put one of them to bed. My parents are elderly, Ex-H Parents are elderly and 200 miles away, all friends have their own young children, local childminders finish at 6pm. I can’t realistically quit my job or we wouldn’t be able to afford to live.

I have tackled him about it this afternoon. He point blank denied it. Said I have never been there when he had collected so how would I know? I said I have smelt alcohol on him enough times before to assume he’d be drinking on those days too. He just got angry and said I was wrong. I just tried to quite forcefully insist that he cannot drink while they are with him.

I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 25/10/2018 23:15

He will just keep on denying. You can arrange for a childminder to do the pick ups. I realise it’s not cheap but you can keep your job. Maybe they pick them up and take the kids to his, if you are just worried about driving. Nb I wouldn’t be just worried about his driving. You should to stop unsupervised access until he is sober, ie not drinking. Don’t warn him, just do it. He will dry out if you warn him and make you look vendictive.

Yes, you should tip off the police before he kills or harms somebody. That would be a tragic legacy for your kids.

Ss770640 · 03/11/2018 19:16

Just because he likes a beer does not mean he is drink driving with your children.

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