Am I being too greedy (EXDH says I am). Need objective opinion.

[numbbrain]

We are about to be divorced and I have made him an offer which he has declined and says is too greedy.

I would really appreciate any objective facts either from professional opinion or cases you know of.

23 years married - both 53
DH - slary £85K + 40k bonus yearly.
Pension CETV 640k
Bought new house with 220k mortgage

Me - earn about 8k part time work.
Left good job to look after children
Diagnosed later with complex PTSD
Pension CETV 24k
Living in home with 298k equity and 73k mortgage outstanding

3 children live with me when not at university.

He has offered for me to have the equity in the house and pension of 170k. His solicitor says that the trade off for capital and pension is 25%.

I am looking for equity, plus 300k pension.

Am I being greedy.

TIA

Has your ex remained in the same area? Is he refusing to have the DC stay in his 4 bed property on uni breaks?

I am getting legal advice, but with the uncertainty and our two solicitors saying opposite things, I guess from this post I was looking for examples of what peoples settlements were.

I know it's a completely random chance of which way the winds blowing and how the judge feels on the day.

Has your ex remained in the same area? Is he refusing to have the DC stay in his 4 bed property on uni breaks?

He is in the same area but the children have their rooms here and all their stuff and won't want to move everything to his.

Greenberet
just one other question how did he manage to get another mortgage when he is already on one?

He got a mortgage for 220k on top of our 73k one. He also paid an extra 8k in stamp duty for the privilege.

I have been telling my kids for years to speak to their DF directly - they are well aware of my financial situation and how it effects me and subsequently them. For some reason they won’t/ don’t - I believe this is down to fear! They have seen how some one that supposedly loved me is capable of treating me maybe they fear he will discard them too if they do something that displeases him.

He has a hold over them by paying for top of the range mobile phones - the fact that this goes through the company is neither here nor there - the likelihood that this allows him to “snoop” on emails is probably quite high.

I discuss all with them I believe in telling the truth despite how harsh this may be _ he tells them the minimum he can get away with

Will he pay for them after 18 I have no bloody idea - I bought a car that they could use for driving lessons - he has used this as a reason for not paying for lessons - when it suits him I do not exist other times I am still responsible for anything and everything!

You know numbbrain on the face of it your DH sounds as though his “plan” is similar to that of my x - forced me into a situation where I have to leave the area and so by default kids end up living with him! He tried to get 50/50 - they didn’t want it - they have also said they will spend every Christmas Day with me. Dd also will have nothing to do with OW and her kids and so I guess he thinks if I’m out the way this may change. I very much doubt it

Do your kids see much of their father? Mine see him eow & one night a week yet as the older they are getting they are more into spending time with friends! I cant see this changing if anything it will get more !

Their stuff has always been here too - they take what they need when they go to him.

In some ways I am having to adjust to them leaving home a bit premature but to be honest the last few year since he left have been hell! I’m emotionally exhausted very nearly financially screwed - I’ll have a home but not yet sure how I will maintain myself and I’m currently waiting on a back op which will mean I will be out of action for a while anyway. I feel as though i have carried the full responsibility of the kids bar the odd babysitting from him so I’m quite ready for him to pick up the slack! It will be full on in readyness for a levels so he can have it all!

His ow has younger kids - with my two at uni I will have time to myself - somehow I will make room for them if needs be during the summer but judging on this year where they have both been off at festivals, on holiday with friends and staying at friends houses it will not need to be fulltime.

I see this as long term - I’m planning on moving near to the sea for a different way of life - hopefully they may get to see that there are other options for them too - currently where we live is very expensive you are working to live rather than the other any round - anything to do with rise in young peoples mental health - I believe so - everyone is too busy too pressured to stop and see what really matters!

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise for you too x

I certainly hope it will be a blessing in disguise.

I just need to be patient and get through to the settlement point, then I can really really get on with my life.

But I am starting the process now

Had a pub lunch with STBXH to discuss the process and what we both want.

I want equity in house (298K), half savings (14K) and half his pension (CETV of 600K.)

He wants me to have equity in house, half savings and 100k pension.

Would you accept this given he earns 10 times as much, is living in a 4 bed house already, and gets 40k bonus every year.

Should I hold out for the extra pension. I only have a cetv of 24k

No, his pension pot is huge and you are entitled to your share.

Thats true notapizzaeater. But apparently his solicitor is saying that the equity in the house is equivalent to that as it's cash and the pension isn't.

So they are equating his share of equity (100k) if things were split 50/50 is equivalent to 600k of pension. I think they used a 25% which would actually make it 150k anyway.

With a pension of such size I would suggest getting an actuarial report which will look at the true value and work out a share based on equality of income.

The judge in my divorce ordered this as my STBXH will not consider sharing any of his pension. It's a lengthy process and costs around £1k but is the only way to assess the true value of a final salary pension and therefore what is fair in terms of division of said pension and other assets.

My mum had an actuarial report done, she walked away with 70+ % of the pot.

Yes, please get an actuary’s report, that’s a big pension and you need an income in retirement! I got a pension share which gave us equality of income plus 90% equity - he earned 100k compared to my 25k, long marriage. Don’t be bullied!

old - I am thinking about an actuary report.

Did you find that the value changed from the cetv?

old - when they calculate the equality of income, is it based on the point where you divorce or on retirement age or age 60?

My mums was what they would both have at retirement, my dad could plug the gap whilst my mum couldn't hence she got more.

thankyou notapizzaeater

That's helpful to know - my point is he can use his years of not paying me maintenance any more to pay into his pension.

And my mum got spousal maintenance 😀

numbbrain mine was calculated at time of divorce so I guess he’ll have more than me in retirement if we carry on in the same roles. But like you, it was a big pension so not to be sneezed at.

I shared 2 defined contribution pensions and 1 final salary - the final salary one was worth much more than CETV, no difference with the defined contribution ones.

Thankyou old

That makes sense as his 500k pension is final salary and I suspect is worth a lot more.

No wonder he wants to keep it then! I would strongly recommend an actuary’s report. If you go to court the judge will almost certainly order one with a pension that size. I think you will come out of this very well and no, you are NOT being greedy,