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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I being too greedy (EXDH says I am). Need objective opinion.

146 replies

numbbrain · 29/08/2018 14:45

We are about to be divorced and I have made him an offer which he has declined and says is too greedy.

I would really appreciate any objective facts either from professional opinion or cases you know of.

23 years married - both 53
DH - slary £85K + 40k bonus yearly.
Pension CETV 640k
Bought new house with 220k mortgage

Me - earn about 8k part time work.
Left good job to look after children
Diagnosed later with complex PTSD
Pension CETV 24k
Living in home with 298k equity and 73k mortgage outstanding

3 children live with me when not at university.

He has offered for me to have the equity in the house and pension of 170k. His solicitor says that the trade off for capital and pension is 25%.

I am looking for equity, plus 300k pension.

Am I being greedy.

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
numbbrain · 30/08/2018 08:31

Missedtheboatagain

Yes there is more. I cannot work full time due to my complex PTSD. It stems from repeated sexual abuse as a child.

I am setting up my own business so I can earn in the future working from home.

He has already bought a house and got a mortgage with the endowment from our house. With his 120k salary he is more than looked after.

OP posts:
greenberet · 30/08/2018 08:40

HI op I feel for you - how many more of these Bastards are out there - what you are being "offered" is no way fair - he is trying to fleece you and hope you will go away quietly - but as someone who tried to resolve as quickly and as cheaply as possible who got fleeced by the x my solicitors and then by the judge I know where you are coming from.

I expect there is abuse here based on your x taking the endowment and making sure he has a home before settlement - I doubt he gives a stuff what happens to you or kids really but he thinks he does. Was someone else involved - may give indication of how hard you may have to fight

You need legal help but there are crooks out there! I'm same age as you sahp for duration of 20 yr marriage diagnosed depression throughout this as result of PTSd from last job _ ( bullying basically) twins age 17 - my hearing Feb/mar last year - got spousal for 2.5 yrs £30k told can then get back to work fulltime at 55 earning £20k plus by female judge - depression totally ignored.

I'm surviving on benefits pip and equity I got awarded from forced sale off fmh which I have been able to rent. Got 60% of pension similar values to yours! Am fighting CMS for cm due to x telling them only earns £12k and fudging rest _ has own company!

Only way I can survive is to move away from here 200 miles - cannot afford to buy here cannot guarantee could hold down a job if got one - means kid s will have to live with x for last year of schooling. Cannot see Me being able to support them financially in any way past 18.

You have a difficult choice - with no guarantee that even with using solicitors you will get fair outcome - are you prepared to work full time? Could you survive on pension and your salary if you kept home!
You don't say how old kids are . Admittedly I ended up LIP - had my barrister turned up I may have got more - I'm fighting to remedy my situation and likely to be making a formal complaint against my judge under human rights act - that's how corrupt this system can be!

The emotional toll has been unbearable at times but I'm not letting this go - I got abused by the legal system - I'm not the only one - they play on our vulnerability when we are already vulnerable - please don't let this be you - good luck x

NorthernSpirit · 30/08/2018 08:43

I think you are being a bit greedy.

On divorce both parties need to adjust their lives and be able to live.

The ‘children’ are in fact adults and won’t have any relevance.

Why are you only working PT? Women are expected to support themselves once kids are in primary school - so I guess you’ve had circa 14 years to become financially independent?

The division of assets starts at 50:30.

There’s £298k equity in the house. There’s no dependent children so starting point would be 50% @ £149k

How do you plan to secure a mortgage if you only earn £8k (they would get you circa £36k). Even if you were awarded £1,100 p/mth SM (£13,200 p/yr) - this wouldn’t all be taken in consideration for a mortgage (and your age will resrict your lending ability). I think you would struggle to secure a £72k mortgage on your projected income (you would need to be earning circa £16k a year).

£664K CETV In pensions - so you could be entitled to a pension sharing order of £332k

£24k savings - could be entitled to half @ £12k

Personally I wouldn’t want to be financially tied to a man. I would see what you can off set now to get a final settlement. You’ll be expected to maximise your earnings.

Notbeingrobbed · 30/08/2018 08:50

I agree we should all earn our own living. But where exactly does the court think adult children over 18 but at uni should live in the holidays and after graduation if not at home? Cost of housing is immense, as we all know. Many young adults living at home until late 20s.

greenberet · 30/08/2018 08:52

Also with no cash available other than savings do not get involved as lizzyb states - the only way to fund deferred legal costs would be to sell fmh and use equity - your x I think knows this he's taken on a large mortgage - spent the only available cash assets bar savings - other than Issa how much is in joint savings - can you access this before he does

greenberet · 30/08/2018 08:54

Northern your views are way out of line with women of this age - I expect you are much younger - 14 years ago it was not expected women return to work!

PilarTernera · 30/08/2018 08:58

Northern has not read the full thread. OP is unable to work full time because she has health problems.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 30/08/2018 09:00

To OP

So there was more. If husband already has a house that explains why he is happy for you to keep the equity in the Family Home. As others have said you have children, but their age makes them adults in Law and hence very unlikely to be considered relevant by Courts.

SillySallySingsSongs · 30/08/2018 09:02

I'm not sure the courts will put much weight on the needs of the DC as they are adults. It will be seen that if they want help from their DF it will be for them to arrange separately.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 30/08/2018 09:03

You need a way to pay your 73k outstanding mortgage. I would perhaps aim for that rather than spousal maintenance which according to pp's has a precarious future. Can he raise 73K for a clean break?

MissedTheBoatAgain · 30/08/2018 09:03

Northern your views are way out of line with women of this age - I expect you are much younger - 14 years ago it was not expected women return to work

What nonsense is this? My mother returned to work in late 1960's as soon as I was old enough to go to Nursery School. No choice as without her wage family would have struggled.

SillySallySingsSongs · 30/08/2018 09:05

Northern your views are way out of line with women of this age - I expect you are much younger - 14 years ago it was not expected women return to work!

Completely disagree. Many people had to go back to work!

Original poster
numbbrain · 30/08/2018 09:19

I am more than happy to work full time but don’t have the accounts yet to secure a mortgage. I have run my own business for 16 years but only very low key for extra pin money. I now need to build it up to a full time salary

We have 23k of savings and he had a 23k bonus (after tax) in April.

OP posts:
Original poster
numbbrain · 30/08/2018 09:21

My current thinker no is to get him to pay the mortgage for 18 months till I turn 55, then use pension lump sum to pay off mortgage.

OP posts:
greenberet · 30/08/2018 09:30

Apologies for those who's mothers had to return to work - op does not appear to be in this situation from what she posted earlier - but her later posts - expand her situation anyway.

If I were you op I think I would be wanting the mortgage reduced with the existing savings and his bonus and his bonus next April too - 18 months is not a long time on one hand but Is very long on the other if you are worrying about money. If your DH knows your intentions re your business I expect he will use this to get out of paying SM

Notbeingrobbed · 30/08/2018 09:58

Never mind our mothers going back to work (and mine did) - I remained in work throughout my marriage! Staying at home with kids is a luxury - it’s also a choice to rely on someone else and not one I wanted to make. As I have worked and saved throughout the marriage I now have to pay a large sum to my STBEXH. That’s the flip side of this coin.

greenberet · 30/08/2018 10:09

Notbeingrobbed - yes I agree it is seen as a luxury by some - I also did not see it as relying on someone else - I saw marriage as being a team - each taking on different roles for the benefit of us all - my X was happy with this at the time or so it seemed - my health was a significant factor too - I have depression it affects my energy levels which then effect my mood - if I had been capable of doing more I would have done it - just like now - very few still seem to understand this even with all the MH stufff in the media - kids now are suffering even more - is it really technology and social media behind this or working mums - but the govt aren't going to tell you this whilst their plan is to have as much of the population working as possible regardless of age disability etc because who benefits?

It seems there is no "right" solution - we all do what we think is right only to be at the mercy of somebody else's opinion on the matter

Original poster
numbbrain · 30/08/2018 10:09

I had a successful job as a college lecturer until I had the children and then worked part time. When I had my twins I decided to work for myself and worked from home during school hours.

It's only in the last 3 years that I have not been able to since finding out about his affair etc.

OP posts:
Notbeingrobbed · 30/08/2018 11:20

I do understand about MH and also about needing to earn a living.

All I’m saying is the law has a bias in favour of SAHMs - so you’ll be fine.

wakeupsmelltheroses · 30/08/2018 11:22

@numbrain I too have 2 DC at university . The stbxh has offered to pay them a monthly contribution on the condition they have the student finance and maintenance loan paid to them as I am a single low income parent . However, I still have a 15 DD who lives with me so there is room for the time being to come and stay with me in the holidays etc . No extra for food when they are home with me though.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 30/08/2018 15:02

The Children at Uni should be contributing to the bills when they are staying in your house, they are adults now.

If you have a deal that will get you the house mortgage free then you probably have a reasonable agreement. You might get a bit more or a bit less but your in the right ball park and you probably dont need the stress lawyers and courts will give you.

Holidayshopping · 30/08/2018 17:31

Northern your views are way out of line with women of this age - I expect you are much younger - 14 years ago it was not expected women return to work

What?! I had DS 16 years ago and went back to work-along with most of my ante-natal Group.

I am more than happy to work full time

I cannot work full time

Which is right?

Original poster
numbbrain · 30/08/2018 19:29

Sorry I confused you. Due to my PTSD I cannot work full time for someone else in an employed manner.

I am fully prepared to work full time on my own business. Hope that clarifies things.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 30/08/2018 21:14

Op, I do think Judges are looking at a starting point at 50:50, so it is fair to start there.

You will need to look at pension as that will be important. Could you look to downsize in a few years so that you don't have to use pension to pay off the mortgage?

What % will be be getting on your proposal?

If he is agreeing SM, how long does he propose this runs for?
I am a similar age and my award at FDR was not generous as Judges are following the 2015 Judges ruling which is for 50:50 and SM limited tp 2 or 3 max.

Butterymuffin · 30/08/2018 21:21

I was about to ask about the full time work thing but you've clarified that now. Do you want to stay in the house?