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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

What have I done.

52 replies

snackerextraordinaire · 12/08/2018 23:47

I had asked DH that we tell the children as oldest child had asked me.lnthis week if we were getting a divorce. I was worried they had overheard something, found my book on how to tell the children etc. DH has buried his head in the sand for the three weeks since I told him it was over for me. I had discussed telling the children with my counsellor. I had read the relate book. This weekend was a good time in terms of things they have going on in the foreseeable future. I had had big row with DH yesterday and again today. I was worried about what the children had heard so I felt we had to do it.

DH grudgingly sat at the table with us and I told them. I didn't get past saying that though we both loved them we were going to separate. Tears from all and DH lost it. Shouting at me it was all my fault. It took me a while to calm the younger two down but they were then ok. Our eldest was very upset wailing and it took a long time for me to calm him down. He has asked me tonight at bedtime why it can't just stay as it is. Why does Daddy have to leave. It broke my heart. My DH did calm down and tried to smooth the situation a bit but to be honest he had totally ruined the situation with aggression. Maybe I should have run through with him more before. Maybe I should have gone to a couples counselling session (though we have done it before and it was not successful). I just feel like the worst mother and the biggest failure.

I had posted previously and someone was not very nice in response. I am feeling very fragile right now so please think twice before being horrible. I really can't take it tonight. I would just like someone to tell me that things get better. That I am not a terrible human being.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 12/08/2018 23:51

You've done nothing.

You d tried to prepare for a difficult conversation and your dh has been a dick. Which is why, I presume, you're divorcing in the first place.

Ittakestwo · 13/08/2018 00:05

Things will get better, let go of the guilt it serves no purpose.

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 13/08/2018 00:07

Thank you for your words. I am divorcing him for being manipulative, deceptive and irresponsible. Also for not being kind. I do not want my children growing up with an example of unkindness.

I am doing the right thing I am sure. I just don't want to hurt my children.

OP posts:
Tiddleypops · 13/08/2018 07:54

It is not your fault that he lost it, that's 100% his fault and it is even more reason to divorce him, and definitely not a reason to feel pressured and guilt tripped into staying together!
You are doing the right thing, I am sure there will be tough times to come in the short term, but then you'll have your freedom and peace and your children will thrive Flowers

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 13/08/2018 08:31

Thank you @Tiddleypops.

OP posts:
Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 13/08/2018 08:52

I do understand DH is upset and this is not what he wants but he has been living a separate life for a long time. He is not happy with me, always telling me I am boring etc. He isn't kind or generous. I don't mean financially he just doesn't do anything for anyone else. He is very selfish. I just wonder if I could have sucked it up until the children were older. But that is not right is it?

OP posts:
DownUdderer · 13/08/2018 09:13

I’m sure in a few months you’ll be glad you’ve done this. Your dh sounds frankly awful and you’re kids will be much better off once you can rebuild your life x

SandyY2K · 13/08/2018 13:43

He is not happy with me, always telling me I am boring etc.

Then why does he want to stay married to you if he feels this way?

Life's too short to live like that.

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2018 13:45

His response was to try to manipulate the children. Youve absolutely done everything you can to make that conversation easier. Apart from leave him out of it because he is a nob.

It will get better

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 13/08/2018 17:00

@SandyY2K I think he just wants me to run his life, wash his pants and cook his meals. He is just annoyed that I do all that but then don't want to host dinner parties every weekend and paint the town red when I am a box set and doing craft type girl, always have been. It is not like I have suddenly become like that.

Today I spent the day with my son and we had lots of good little chats. He just asks me things and I answer honestly and without any bitterness. I hope that I stay like this!

OP posts:
Pebblesandfriends · 13/08/2018 17:05

It sounds like it was a manipulative move on his part to make you the bad guy. I would prepare myself for more of the same. Try and stay calm. Hopefully your DC will see through him in time.

LittleCandle · 13/08/2018 17:08

You have definitely done nothing wrong. It is okay to leave, and after a display like that, I know why you are leaving! What he did was another attempt at manipulating you. Do you really want your DC growing up to treat their partner the same way that you are being treated? Your children will adapt. Please do not stay with this vile man.

Mumoftwo12345 · 13/08/2018 19:17

Gosh you poor thing what a terrible mess he made of it, absolutely not your fault and given time the children will forget this episode. You are doing the right thing. If he’s like this now though i would 100% recommend mediation when arranging contact arrangements. Be clear & consistent with what’s best for the children, he needs to keep a lid on his anger towards you around the children.

Wellyboots86 · 13/08/2018 20:19

Sorry you’re going through this and his behaviour when you told the kids is certainly not going to make it easier.

You and the kids will come out a stronger unit when all the dust has settled, might not feel that way and I didn’t believe it when my marriage ended just over a year ago but it’s amazing how both you and children can adapt in a short space of time.

Only advice I have is take each day as it comes, don’t blame yourself or feel you have to be perfect at everything and don’t be too proud to take any help that people offer you.

Wish you all the best on your new journey Flowers

mathanxiety · 13/08/2018 20:27

You are doing the right thing for you and for your children.

The scene your H caused was not your fault. He chose this appalling behaviour himself.

When the children go back to school, make sure the school gets informed of the new situation and ask if there is any support in place for them there - maybe ask a teacher you like if they could chat occasionally if they need to. The art teacher in my DCs' school offered her services when I gave their school the news that my exH and I were separating. It was nice for us all to know she was there.

Wishing you well.

GreenMeerkat · 13/08/2018 20:33

The fact that he became so aggressive in front of your children is a clear sign that you are doing the right thing.

How old are your DC? It will inevitable affect the eldest the most as they have the greatest understanding of the situation. But they will get over it eventually, kids are very adaptable.

All the best OP xx

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 14/08/2018 08:46

Thank you for your comments. I am having lots of heartbreaking chats with the children. I am remaining calm, I tell them it is sad but also that I think that ultimately it will be better. I had a text from DH yesterday saying we should go softly and I replied that going softly does not mean dragging it out. I think that they will get used to the idea but it will be hard again when he actually moves out. I need to sort out with him how that will work so the children know. One of the main things they ask is if they will have to go every other weekend and I have said these thing wil be worked out but probably not to stay over. They have all told me they don't want to stay the night with him. 😞

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 14/08/2018 08:50

They have all told me they don't want to stay the night with him.

That tells you everything to be honest.

You are in it at the moment, one day you will look back at this and be glad that it has all stopped and you are living a better life.

MrsMozart · 14/08/2018 08:53

You've done the right thing lass. As a PP said, it's not your fault he blew up, those are his emotions to control.

bluebell34567 · 14/08/2018 09:09

you've definitely done the right thing. if you stayed with him the children would be copies of him, disrespectful to you.
but be careful he can manipulate the children against you in the future.
how old are the children?

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 14/08/2018 09:28

@bluebell34567 I am very concerned about him being manipulating with the children to hurt me. They are 5, 9 and 11

OP posts:
Ittakestwo · 14/08/2018 20:41

I understand that fear, and even after 2 years separated I still fear he manipulates the children. But I can’t control that, all I can do is live my life and be authentic. When you leave a controlling relationship it takes time. You have to deprogramme and let go. I am infinitely better in myself now than before after 25 years I can finally be myself again.

Wellyboots86 · 15/08/2018 11:02

He may try to be manipulative but kids are amazingly wise to that sort of thing.

Best thing to do is just focus on being the best parent you can’t and try not to think about what he’s doing when the kids are with him. Hard to do I know as I used to over analyse every second my xw and her bf have the kids but after about 6 months that eased massively.

Original poster
snackerextraordinaire · 16/08/2018 23:38

I am finding it so hard with STBXH (first time using that acronym 😬) in the house. He still keeps saying manipulative stuff to the children, they are telling me. I am remaining calm. Not slagging him off but letting them know that I understand. They don't want to do anything with him, he seems very sad about this but is making it worse for himself. Of course they are not going to suddenly think it is a great idea to go swimming with him when he has never taken them before. When he hasn't been a hands on dad and has let them down loads he cannot expect them to suddenly want to do things with him.

Considering that we told them on Sunday they all seem to already be processing the info. I think it will be awful when he actually goes, or will it because it is really blooming awkward right now.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 16/08/2018 23:45

it will be different of course. but you will be away from this manipulative man. in time everything will settle down.
when will he move out?