What have I done.

[snackerextraordinaire]

I had asked DH that we tell the children as oldest child had asked me.lnthis week if we were getting a divorce. I was worried they had overheard something, found my book on how to tell the children etc. DH has buried his head in the sand for the three weeks since I told him it was over for me. I had discussed telling the children with my counsellor. I had read the relate book. This weekend was a good time in terms of things they have going on in the foreseeable future. I had had big row with DH yesterday and again today. I was worried about what the children had heard so I felt we had to do it.

DH grudgingly sat at the table with us and I told them. I didn't get past saying that though we both loved them we were going to separate. Tears from all and DH lost it. Shouting at me it was all my fault. It took me a while to calm the younger two down but they were then ok. Our eldest was very upset wailing and it took a long time for me to calm him down. He has asked me tonight at bedtime why it can't just stay as it is. Why does Daddy have to leave. It broke my heart. My DH did calm down and tried to smooth the situation a bit but to be honest he had totally ruined the situation with aggression. Maybe I should have run through with him more before. Maybe I should have gone to a couples counselling session (though we have done it before and it was not successful). I just feel like the worst mother and the biggest failure.

I had posted previously and someone was not very nice in response. I am feeling very fragile right now so please think twice before being horrible. I really can't take it tonight. I would just like someone to tell me that things get better. That I am not a terrible human being.

I don't know Bluebell. I hope he will get himself sorted to be honest I don't think he knows how. I have sent him some helpful links to websites but I think he is going to drag his heels as much as possible.

I wanted him to have moved out by the time the children go back to school but that is looking very unlikely.

So sorry to read this. It is hard on all of you, you included. DH shouldn't have lost it in front of the kids, but life isn't always like a Disney film, bad things happen, difficult decisions have to be made, people get sick, marriages don't work out. It's hard.

I am 100% sure, even though I do not know you, you didn't stand there in your wedding day and envisage this day coming. I'm sure, when you had your DC, you didn't want them to get hurt.

Protect your kids hearts as much as you possibly can (I know that goes without saying).

Just do your best and go easy on yourself.

Wishing all of you, all the best 💐💐💐

Thank you @fieryginger I needed to hear those words tonight.

try to give him a set date to move out. find a good solicitor and take advice and get things moving.
otherwise he will drag it out and torture you more.

@bluebell34567
Unfortunately the solicitor I am going to use is away on holiday. I think when she gets back we will need to start procedings. I don't plan to use her for everything. Do I contact a mediator separately. I am a bit confused. I obviously want to keep costs to a minimum.

The children are all hanging around me and don't want to be with him on his own.

you can check the divorce section of mumsnet to get some ideas.
if you want to keep costs minimum you can do the procedure yourself.
you can contact women's aid, they can help you on that, too.
or cab.
your main problem is him moving out, you have to solve that. eitherwise there are people who are divorced but have to live together because one of the spouse have nowhere to go, or say so.
keep the ball rolling.

i wouldnt mediate with him, he is untrustworthy. keep your boundries very clear.

sorry your thread is already in divorce section, i didnt see that.

Thank you @Bluebell34567.

I think my priority is for him to move out. I am very worried about how we are going to split finances. I am trying to work out our living costs etc. Trying to be practical and organised.

because he is emotionally abusive you can contact womens aid. they are very good in every aspect of seperation/divorce and can help you to split your finances.
you have their number, dont you?
and another idea; you can move this thread to _chat or relationships.
you can get more responses there.

i meant you can ask mumsnet HQ to move it to those sections/topics.

Thank you Bluebell.

I tried to talk to my STBXH today and he was actually smiling at me in patronising way when I tried to explain that the children need to know when he is moving out. They are in limbo.

He said we have a lot to sort out before that happens. I said it will be better if he moves out and then we meet to discuss how things are going to work.

Did he think he was going to hang around for a decree nisi? How can he think this is a good arrangement for the children. I told my parents and they said he is just continuing with the power games. My parents are becoming much more vocal about their feelings about him.

I will sit tight and wait until the lawyer comes back from holiday. Then actually start divorce proceeding. That may kick him into action.

it is very good that your parents are supporting you, i am very happy for you.
of course he thinks he can drag moving out or possibly prevent a divorce/seperation. dont believe him that there is too much stuff to sort out before moving out, he doesnt think about children, he thinks about himself.
believe in yourself and follow your plan, dont be interfered by his manipulations.

Glad your getting the support from your family. Took me a year to get my Xh to move out, I think he thought I would change my mind. It also amazed me how many people supported my decision and wondered how I’d put up with him for so long.

I'm late to this thread OP but I wanted to send you reassurance and strength.

I finally split up with a selfish, unkind DP 6 years ago, after years and years of trying to make things work for my wonderful DS who was 5 at the time.

It was tough going at the time. I felt a terrible guilt and that I had somehow failed DS.

DS was initially sad, but very very quickly adjusted and thrived in our happier home.

I now have not one ounce of regret about leaving him. Of course, 'Plan A' would always have been for EXP, DS and I to be a happy family unit. However this was not possible as EXP just wasn't able to be a good partner.

Looking back I am so very glad that I somehow found the strength to end our relationship. I knew I was being treated unfairly, but it wasn't until much much later that I could clearly see how bad things were. I guess I had got used to things as they were.

I now have a wonderful DH who has shown me (and more importantly DS), what it is to be a loving partner and how a family can function. Even if I hadn't met DH I know I would have been so much happier without EXP.

DS sees his dad. He's not a great father, but DS loves him and I facilitate their relationship as best I can. I never say anything negative about him to DS.

Keep going OP. There is light and peace at the end of this tunnel.

@Ittakestwo oh god a year I can't do that.

@freshstart24 Thank you for your supportive words. I really think the children will be better off without him constantly in their lives. He is just not nice to them.

The latest development is that after I attended a family event with him (his family) I smiled and nodded, was polite and didn't give any indication he went off on a business trip today then called me when I was in the car so it was hands free so the children could hear, and he knew that. He chatted with us but I aid I had to go as I was not sure where I was going and had to concentrate. I asked what time tomorrow he would be back and he said he was actually going to Spain for the weekend with some mates that I have never heard of before!!!! Never mentioned it but obviously had packed is bag for his holiday and taken his passport. Said nothing to me so that I want cross with him while we were with his family. I was not angry but he was meant to be doing something with our son obviously sunday which when much DS asked him on the hands free STBXH said he had forgotten and then tried to blame me for not reminding him. (DS said to me later that STBXH knew exactly what was going on but just didn't want to do it anymore. Poor boy.)

I asked STBXH if he could just send the details of where he would be staying for emergencies. He replied that I was in his passport as next of kin so if there was an emergency I would be informed! I had actually meant if something happens to one of the children but obviously he does not care about that.

I am fuming but also having a moment of relaxation that he is gone until Monday.

If he can organise a last min bank holiday trip with unknown people (or is it a woman) he can sort himself out with a flat and move out. Up until know I had still been cooking his meals and washing his clothes. I think that is over now. I am not going to be a doormat anymore. I was just trying to be nice. Arse.

I must admit I struggled for that year, but I was determined. It took a lot of strength to let me true feelings be known and stick by them. He finally realised this and moved out.

How are you getting on? Like you say it’s amazing what they can do when it suit them.

I have told some of our friends today. We were meant to be going to a BBQ this weekend but now he has gone to Spain I felt it was time to tell them. Explain why he is not going to be there. Two friends were very supportive and one tried to persuade me to work at it. I have never discussed my realtionship with them so I am taking what the latter friend said with a pinch of salt.

I obviously have some time to think while he is away. One friend said I should bag up his stuff and put it in the garage if he can go off to Spain. As tempting as that sounds I am not dramatic like that. I think he can move out when he gets back though.

Nearly the end of the school holidays.

Crikey Snacker it really is completely out of order for him to disappear on holiday like that. Unbelievable. Can you imaging of the tables were turned and you decided to flit off unannounced. Quite ridiculous.

The upside maybe is that you have had some time without him in the house.

I have no doubt that once all this is sorted the DC will thrive in a better atmosphere at home.

Glad that you confided in some friends. It seems a shame that one of them suggested that you battle on, but everyone has their own way of viewing things I guess.

It may be worth you keeping a note of what is happening. I found that sometimes EXH twisted things and made me doubt myself. I started making a factual list and it was helpful to look at it. So, with the most recent incident note that he went away, gave zero notice, called you on speaker phone, let DS down etc etc..

@freshstart24 thank you. I think this just highlights how for 20 years he has done exactly as he pleases and I have just been the stupid doormat that let him have the most cushy life.

I have been keeping a record of all incidents since the end of last year. I am not sure why but you are right. I need to look back over it and realise what I have been dealing with. I never go out, he never looks after the children. It was heart breaking the children heard that phone call. DS asked me today where Daddy was and I said that I didn't know anymore than what he said on the phone which DS had heard. So DS rang his mobile but it went straight to voicemail. DS then said, 'he lives a totally different live to us'. I don't want to point it out to DS but STBXH always has.

I feel such a fool.

Be kind to yourself snacker. You know in your heart that you and your DC deserve better. Sometimes it takes a long time to be able to take the action that is needed. In my case I clung on to the hope of a 'traditional family' for a long time before I realised it was a pipe dream. But life is now immeasurably better.

Have you heard the frog analogy? Apparently if you palace a frog in a pot of water and slowly heat it to boiling, the frog will stay in the pot and boil to death.

If you place the frog in very hot water it jumps out.

No frogs were harmed in real life! I found it a useful analogy relating to how it's easy to gloss over all the little disappointments in your partner and keep trying to make things work, whereas if you'd been subjected to them all at once from the start you would have run for the hills.

Ideally you need to lean on friends, family and MN if it helps. Let them support you in finding the strength to separate.

It's very hard to see your DC being let down by him. It's tough but I don't think it's good for them to hear you say negative things about their dad. Maybe you can be straight with DS by telling him you are really sad that he's missed out on what he wanted to do with his dad, that you don't really understand why he didn't prioritise his son, and that you will always be there for him no matter what.

My parents split up when I was young and my mum fell apart. That was the worst thing for me. I was frightened to see her so distressed. For this reason I've always tried to be strong for DS. His dad is very flakey but hopefully he knows he can rely on me.

Hope you are managing to have a pleasant weekend.

So glad you are leaving him. It will be better for you and the children. He won't co-parent with you so don't expect it. Keep a log of his behaviour. Don't attempt any more shared talking to the children. He will make life as difficult as possible. You all have a much brighter future to look forward to. Make the most of his absence by making copies of any financial information you can lay your hands on.

@freshstart24 I had never thought of the frog analogy before in reference to myself but you have hit the nail on the head.

I had a chat my with eldest in the car today who said he thought he might have a better time with his Dad if it is actual time to do something. I hope to god that he is not disappointed. He is more switched on than his Dad already.

@bastardkitty Thank you and good idea. When then children are asleep I am going to search for any documents I can.

Snacker, I was the frog too and I know many other people who have been in the same position.

It is really hard to see your DC's daddy let them down. I've spend hours trying to understand how my DS's dad can be the way he is. I've come to realise that I'll never understand, it's just the way he is and so we work with what we have. I facilitate their relationship the best I can, and I think DS appreciates that. DS adores his Dad, despite him being pretty flakey. I consider EXP lucky that DS can see past his flaws, but I'm glad that he can.

I hope DS knows that he can rely on me and maybe that makes up for having an unreliable dad...

Anyway enough about me, how is your bank holiday going?

@freshstart24 I am sure your DS does see it and if he doesn't see it now he probably will when he is older.

We have had an ok weekend largely due to STBXH being away. We had now idea when he would be back so we were a little tense today. We now know he will be back late tonight and by some detective work I think his flight is delayed so might be even later. I have done some photocopies of finances.