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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Separated spouse now 'depressed'

22 replies

DisobedientWoman · 10/07/2018 21:31

We recently separated, against his wishes.

A day after this he declared that he is not well and suspects he is depressed. Has since seen gp, got signed off work and on antidepressants.
He is now claiming that the past several years of appalling treatment of me is due to this depression and I should be giving him another chance.

Is this a known script? Because I'm feeling manipulated and pissed off tbh.

I didn't ask him to leave because he seemed low but because he's been a very shit husband in lots of ways. For a long time. (summary - unsupportive of sn child, constantly stoned, v heavy drinking and huge porn consumption)

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 10/07/2018 21:37

If you feel manipulated it's because you are being manipulated. What a low life your husband is. Don't give this a second thought, he didn't have to treat you appalling for all those years just because he's depressed. And his mental health is not your responsibility. The timing is no coincidence, and you clearly made the right decision.
He thinks you should give him another chance - well he would, wouldn't he?
Stay strong, don't accept this bullshit.

Sistersofmercy101 · 10/07/2018 21:51

Well it's in the emotional abusers script that's for sure. It doesn't sound like this is the first time that you have been to blame for the consequences of his behaviour? That's what it was about with my exH - he wanted all the plaudits and credit when the children did well - he showboated his dadskills in front of others but soon as the door shut - it was back to being my sole responsibility (and fault if they were cranky/unwell /misbehaving). Soon as I and the children were free - instant depression instantly totally my fault and I was the bad guy, adulter, abuser. According to him, he's perfect, blameless, hard done to... So yes, it's a script, designed to make you responsible and guilty for his mistakes and misbehaving.

Original poster

DisobedientWoman · 10/07/2018 22:05

Thanks. I'm not changing my mind at all.

He is still frequently ringing, messaging, gifts, etc etc (from someone who didn't bother replying to messages a few weeks ago ) and it's quite wearing.

It's come as a big shock to him. Even though I've previously asked him to leave. This time he's realised I mean it.
I've already processed my thoughts and feelings and come to a decision. There's no way I could look myself in the eye if I forgave the unforgivable.

I just wasn't expecting this to be the way he reacted

OP posts:

Original poster

DisobedientWoman · 10/07/2018 22:08

And yy it's all my fault for not realising earlier. Nothing is his fault. And he appears to believe that I should give him a year (!) or so to sort himself out. How silly of me.

OP posts:

opheliatickle · 10/07/2018 22:28

Having similar with my ex.

We are still living together while the house sells. Because he has been so horrible to me I ended up on ADs but now he is falling apart and went to see the doctor today, who has given him some panic medication.

I feel guilty but what can you say? It just opens up a can of worms and you end up getting blamed for everything again for trying to help.

That's what these men want and fall apart without: a scapegoat, somebody to pour their scorn on or to take responsibility for their wellbeing.

It's not your job anymore as you say.

Tiddleypops · 11/07/2018 07:34

Seems to be a common theme. My STBXH also uses "I didn't know I was depressed" as am excuse for poor treatment of me, and throws the "in sickness and in health" line at me to prove I'm betraying my marriage vows. Despite the fact he spent years betraying his and I spent way too long honouring mine when I should have walked away.

mydogishot · 11/07/2018 07:50

Usual script. I think there is some sort of club that the arseholes go to so they can't vent about these awful people who wouldn't let them live their lives and shag who they want.

I told my ex that rather and try to get sympathy from me, he should talk to his sister (mental health nurse) and suddenly it's not that serious but the GP thought you should know.

Knob.

iamthrough · 11/07/2018 09:47

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. Yes - I'm afraid it is part of the emotional abusers manual. Expect to be faced with talk about suicide and fears about him losing his job also.
I think all these men go to lessons together.
Stay strong and everytime you think you're being manipulated - realise its just one of the reasons you decided to leave in the first place. He's probably been manipulating subtly for years and you may not have noticed. Now you have made the decision to leave his manipulation has become more obvious - that is all.

limon · 11/07/2018 17:23

I'd just add an opposing view. Of course it is entirely possible for underlying depredsion to cause a person to treat others badly. Take the depression and anxiety of menopause, or seriously bad pmt for example. Or ptsd.

However that doesn't make it excusable.

Original poster

DisobedientWoman · 11/07/2018 20:45

I find it difficult to believe that depression would cause someone to be persistently watching internet porn (not an occasional browse, hours and hours each week) , deny the existence of diagnosed SN for 4 years, and then be explained through a garbled mess of simultaneously apologising profusely and claiming no responsibility for any of it.

I can't put up with any of it any more.

OP posts:

Jengabrick · 11/07/2018 20:47

What a tiresome dickhead.

limon · 11/07/2018 20:58

I'm not suggesting you put up with it for one more minute - you shouldn't.

But depression and other underlying mental health issues can absolutely manifest in things like porn addiction.

My ex (who I left because of it) had bipolar and serious depression which manifested in porn addiction (used as an escape in the same way that drug addicts use drugs to escape), violence and coercive control.

OP you absolutely should leave him. No one should have to put up with what you've been putting up with.

Original poster

DisobedientWoman · 11/07/2018 21:04

He is complaining most strongly that I should give him more time. But there is no more time.

And tbh even if he is depressed now, I don't believe he's been depressed for years and only takes it out on us. Because that's bollocks. Tbf it's reasonable to be depressed now, he's a late middle aged man who's wife has kicked him out. But it's for sound reasons, ie his behaviour, his decisions.
He thinks he can fix it, but it's not fixable. I've lost all respect for him, I don't want to be his wife any longer.

OP posts:

limon · 11/07/2018 21:50

Then you absolutely have your answer and should not doubt yourself.

If you're done, you're done and what he now says are his feelings ate nine of your concern.

wantstostartanadventure · 12/07/2018 19:02

Same here, he had an affair and when I said that's it he suddenly developed depression and got signed off (leaving me to cover all the bills and childcare costs) and said I was going against the sick and health vows. Ignore it and move on with your life you deserve better x x x

Original poster

DisobedientWoman · 03/08/2018 21:22

Sorry to bump this again but it's still the same here.
Several messages daily from dawn til dusk along the lines of I'm sorry why won't you give me a chance, why didn't you tell me, why won't you forgive me etc
When does endless pleading become harassment because I'm really fed up with it now

OP posts:

wantstostartanadventure · 04/08/2018 06:17

If you've made your decision and there is no going back, maybe time to start drafting the petition. Have you any assets? Have you spoken to a solicitor?

Mary1935 · 04/08/2018 08:19

Hi can you not block him. You can’t keep listening to his shit. If you maintain contact with him he will continue emotionally battering you.
You owe him nothing. It’s hard when we are decent human beings to be like this - but you must cut him off as much as you can.

NorthernSpirit · 04/08/2018 09:28

Yes, he’s manipulating you to get what he wants.

You are not responsible for his behaviour and how he treats you, that’s his responsibility alone. He may be depressed (which is obviously awrful) but I gat depression is having an effect on you and your life. Life is too short.

Stay strong. You have been brave and started the process. For your own happiness see it through.

mummytothree87 · 04/08/2018 09:40

my ex did this. told him to leave after finding out he had been lying about finding work and a whole host of things and what do u know less than a week later having moved back to his mum's he had been to the Dr and been diagnosed with depression. Asked me to give him another 6 months and got pissed off when i said no so told everyone i had been cheating

mummytothree87 · 04/08/2018 09:43

also he constantly rang and text aswell as made up shit about his boss being worried about him ( boss didnt seem worried when he told me he'd been lying about his work situation 🤔)

Sohardtochooseausername · 05/08/2018 10:11

I can relate. Don’t let him make you feel guilty!

My stbex has an endocrine disorder and is claiming that the break up is making him ill. He shouldn’t have shagged other women then! I’ve put up so long with him being tired and ill and saying that’s why he’s horrible to me.

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